Docs-ology

To catch up...

2011-02-05T21:35:00.000-08:00

So it's been another big gap in time since my last blog and there has been a ton of things that have happened since the last one. I became a father again on September 20th to Meester Elijah Shane Mateo Mompean born healthy and is now 4 months and doing quite well.

Our Sarah Bear started kindergarten at a charter school as a brand spankin new 5 yr old! Seeing her in school and learning and doing well is just awesome.

I was able to meet, perform, and play with my favorite guitar player of all time, Phil Keaggy, in a benefit for my son Joshua along side Tommy McClendon who was a teacher to me 25 years ago, also one of the best guitar players I have ever known, and one of the nicest guys I know. That night meant a lot to me on so many levels and continues to bring my heart joy every time I think about it. Along side my other good friends shell, Tracy, Taylor, Troy, and the guys in Random Status. It was a night I will never forget. My son also did very well and I was very proud of him.

As if that night wasn't enough, the next day I spent the day with Phil Keaggy and his road manager Darren, also a very nice guy, chauffeuring them around Monterey area to Roseville North of Sacramento. I not only got to jam with and perform with Phil but I got to know him for a day and he was gracious, humble, down to Earth, and everything I have always thought he would be. I was blessed beyond measure because I had that night, then the next day, then three days later my son was born.

Now I am playing with two bands, my brother got me in to see the NAMM show a few weeks ago and he got me a gig recording some of my own music that I have written that will be in a movie called Living By The Gun, and we got to take the kids to Disneyland while we were in LA. I am also preparing to take the test again for my license.

All in all it has been very busy but it has been good and we are very blessed.

God is good.

2010 is rolling on...

2010-07-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

I just read my last blog back...and it makes me swoon and become very tired LOL. Wow...life has just lost it's mind in 2010. Since that last blog...

Josh has a second surgery and he reports to us his Dr.s basically force him to have if by threatening to not treat him after he is released from the hospital. Yikes! The surgery is to remove the left Pleural Sack which surrounds the left lung. The reason is because he will not stop draining form the transplant. Draining like a liter a day...he had the surgery...and he kept draining. Damn.

We went to Hawaii for two whole weeks! Ahh....fun and sun in one of my favorite places on Earth...while Josh remains in the hospital and we still can't see him because after Heather got sick for round two....I got sick for round two. We couldn't be there for the surgery...still couldn't see Josh...I'm pissed. We relaxed...missed people...enjoyed each other...and did...basically...nothing...for a change. I got a new tattoo which is colorful, bright, and done by the same guy I got one from the last time I got ink in Kihei. But as nice as it was...the stress just wouldn't completely go away for me.

I have a birthday, we go and get back from Hawaii, Heather and I have an anniversary, and Josh has a third surgery...this time to remove the right pleural sack. Finally...he stopped draining...thank God!...it's about time. Still couldn't go to see him...I could bite nails in half....but he is finally healing...and he gets out. Harmony has a birthday...and I make an appointment to take my first test for my marriage and family therapy license.

Suddenly I am not feeling well...and I find a funny looking spot on my left shoulder...I go to an urgent care...I am starting to break out across my shoulder...and then it spreads to my back, neck, head, and face...I go to my work and asked them what do you want me to do? They say go to your Dr and get a note....OK. Everybody tells me I have shingles....GREAT!...and they don't know what the rest of the rash is...so here is a antibacterial...and an antibiotic...manOman...

Heather goes in for the amnio and sonogram and I go with her. Scary...but got her done...found out we are having...a boy!!! WooHoo!!!...a week or two later we find out that he is healthy and doing well...no bad stuff...Yeah!!!

Sarah says goodbye to the only daycare/preschool that she has ever known. Sarah has attended Delta College's Child Development Center since she was 3 months old. She also ended her time being watched at her friend Bella's house...and said goodbye to her beloved teachers.

On a good note we finally....FINALLY....get to see Josh and Bree! We go to them and visit at their apartment while we are picking up Jacob to bring him home after helping them out for a while...again. Yeah!

Heather meets Dr. #2....strike 2. Dang it.

I take my test...nervous...anxious...feeling unprepared even though I have been studying like crazy...and...I....fail....argh!!! I get through most of the test but do not get to the last 2 questions...I miss it by 7 questions total. Dang it! But God has a plan.

One of my oldest and best friends...writes me on Facebook and says...we are putting together a benefit concert for Josh....WooHoo!!!...and we want you to play....all right!...and headlining is your favorite guitarist Phil Keaggy....um....woah!....no way!...are you kidding me?!?!?....and there's one more thing...you get to play a jam with him at the end of the show...OK....now you're just messing with me LOL...I knew it....you had me going until that last part....play with Phil Keaggy LOLOL...yeah...right....No...Really....It will be in a 1,600 seat theater in Monterey...I sent him the recording of the song you wrote for Josh...no you didn't...He likes it...huh?....did you just say that Phil Keaggy has heard my music?....my playing?....AND he likes it??? um...I don't know what to say....Welp he is contributing to the cause as well...made a donation...WHAT?!?....woah...um...I just frankly don't know what to say...thanks?...Thanks! Woah....

Heather meets Dr. #3....finally someone that she can do this with! Yeah!!!

We go to Pismo for the 4th...have a great day...and a great visit with friends...except for a bottle rocket which came within inches of clipping Heather and Sarah while on the beach during fireworks...YIKES...

Next up...Sarah's birthday party...tomorrow...and Monday after next she starts kindergarten...gig is in September....the 16th....the Thursday right before the start of the Monterey Jazz Festival...woof! LOL...

To catch ya up...

2010-03-18T23:33:00.000-07:00

Wow...what can I say...life is rolling hard and fast and it is a bumpy ride...I am just trying to hang on. Since my last post...Josh came out of ICU and his CO2 levels came down which helped his severe headaches...and eventually OKed being put on the list for transplant...turned 26 yrs old...and then got back out of the hospital. We started doing fundraising for Josh...

We went to a Magnet schools fair for Sarah for kindergarten...hopefully she will get in...crossing our fingers...

Then we found out Heather...my wife...is pregnant! Number 5 for me and 2 for her. Sarah our 4 year old will have a little sister or brother...due in September. Wow! Two sonograms later and we can see a sack...but no baby inside....welp...it is still early...we just can't see it yet says the Doc and the sonogram nurse...ManOman! Yikes...what is going on here? Finally...the 3rd sonogram...there they are (they meaning 1 baby....but not an "it")...the little peanut...and a flashing little heartbeat...this is real!

Then...the call came. Exactly 1 month after Josh's birthday he is on the table having his double lung transplant. He gets through the surgery...including having the surgeon stitch a whole in his heart closed....in his words....since he was in the neighborhood LOL...only took about 15 minutes he says....WOW!

Two days later my eldest son turned 28...but we were all too distracted...(for good reason)...to celebrate Jacob...we still need to do this...he was a major trooper in helping Joshua and Breanna (Josh's wife) post-op. Same day I also find out that I have had my hours accepted by the Board of Behavioral Sciences...so I am ready to start the testing faze...

The day after Josh's surgery...Sarah starts a little cough. Holy crap! She is sick and she can't be around him...and we can't avoid being around her...so we can't be around him either! Damn! She has a cold...she is sick for a week and as she is getting better...Heather gets sick. AAHHH!...double damn! As Heather starts getting better after a week...I get sick! AAAAHHHHHH!!! Aww Comeon!! This is killing me...

We call and find out Sarah didn't get into the Magnet schools we were hoping for...bummer....what are we gonna do for her because she starts kindergarten this summer...

We get a letter in the mail....Heather's OBGYN...the same we just saw with the little flashing heartbeat...talking about when he plans on taking the baby...the same Doc that delivered Sarah...Dr. E's last day at this practice is the 5th...the end of that week. What?!?

Find out Sarah did get into a charter school...we have to research it...this is after already getting her set up to attend the local public school...not the greatest of choices but at least she will be in somewhere.

I am at work and I hear a voice over the intercom describing a car that sounds just like mine and they say, "go to your car immediately"! I know this is bad...nothing good comes from these words LOL...sure enough...the passenger window is smashed...glass everywhere...I cut myself and get glass slivers trying to clean the glass out of the car...and almost $200 out of pocket to replace it...have a bad experience with making the police report...that sucked...the people stole our registration and insurance information...

Next up...Heather starts getting sick....again....as I am getting better...shaking head...MAN!

Josh...is still in Stanford....still draining from the surgery...still there...in a lot of pain...and having his pain meds reduced...and now...they want to do a second surgery on him...to remove the sack one of his lungs is in and scrape the inside of his chest to make the lung attach to the chest wall....so he will stop the drain. You have GOT to be kidding!?!?! Hasn't this kid been through enough?

Just to catch anyone up who might be interested LOL...I am tired. Next up? More medical adventures and fund raising...the hockey game with the Stockton Thunder...

And tomorrow...Heather goes to see the new Dr...the one we don't know...alone...because I can't go...this is the first time she has had to go to a Dr. appointment in 2 pregnancies where I will not be there....argh!

Babe...I love you...crazy life...never boring...whew....welp...breathe....there we are :)

First 2010 post...

2010-01-15T23:10:00.000-08:00

So...a new year is upon us and here we are in 2010. I still feel the same way I did in my last post although I will say I have finished my 3000 hours for my license and gathered my paperwork, paid my money, and await the decision of the BBS (Board of Behavioral Sciences). What are they deciding? They are deciding whether or not I have completed everything needed in order to move forward and get on to the testing faze of this pursuit. If they write back and say yeaup!...you have done everything you need to do to test...then I will set up my first of two tests that I must pass to earn my license.

That is exciting stuff and I am relieved to be here at this point. I am hopeful that I will be allowed to pass and go forward to test. I know that something like this isn't everything in the world...but it sure would mean a lot to me. So here's to crossing fingers and toes...crossing my eyes as I look at my nose...and hopefully...get to move on to the next stage.

I still feel the same way as I did in the last post...maybe even more so...but I have not moved forward musically. I did see another orthopedist and he wanted to give me the same shot in the same hand...or do surgery. Hmm....scary...

I spent half of yesterday sitting in the ICU of Stanford because my son Joshua is in there. He is very ill and they are really putting pressure on him to make a decision about having a double lung transplant. His numbers are not good and he could use prayer and lots of it. Thank you if you have already been putting in time as one of his prayer warriors.

I will go back up to see him tomorrow...I hate...absolutely hate...watching what is going on with him...it makes me sick and feels like I am powerless to help...I know that's not completely true...attitude is everything...but it is very very...very hard to watch your child suffer and deteriorate...and not be able to fix his needs...even financially...because if he does have the transplant...he and his wife will need to live within 20 minutes of the hospital and not leave because of the possibilities of and logistics of getting to the hospital once there is a donor...which brings up the fact that he is waiting on someone else to die in order for him to live...I don't know how to feel about that...I know it is a natural process and we can't do anything about his deterioration on some level...but it is still a harsh reality.

There is a wide range of things that trouble me...my daughter who also has CF...and how is she feelings watching her big brother go through this and relating to it...and wondering about her future...and her health...my four year old daughter Sarah and how she will deal with this process as it progresses. My oldest son Jake who keeps his emotions buried so that he doesn't really have to deal with how he really feels about his brother and his sister and what is going on with each of them...my wife Heather and how all this affects her, knowing that it takes a huge toll...and my own feelings which are jumbled and strong...over the top and often sudden and out of nowhere. And all of this is the short and in my face list...not mentioning my job, our financial mess, my license pursuit, my feelings about my music, my stress, other family, friends, and on trying to find it's place in my attention and I am struggling with it all. So what now?

So here we are.

Where do I go from here?

2009-10-24T02:07:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew where I fell off the path in my life...took a left turn that was subtle...not a pivot at the time...just a step...and then another....and then another. Where I am now I sometimes don't recognize. How the heck did I get here? I'm not sure where I put things down and picked other things up...wandering in my own dark forest...looking...searching...for something...for balance...for self...for freedom...

I am chasing a license to practice as a marriage and family therapist and in order to do that I have to complete 3,000 hours as an intern. As of today...I have only 50 hours left to go. I am so close I can taste it...and yet...even as I close in on my goal...I feel like I am fulfilling only part of who I am or what I offer. I have more to give...and utilize...more to offer...more to explore...

What do I expect of myself? Why do I yearn for so much more...am I being realistic?

I've spent sooo much of my life playing guitar...playing music...and currently I am hiding from it...but every time I pick up a guitar...today...this afternoon...night before last...and I listen...my words...my notes...my music...my life...I am there...and I speak...

What the hell did I let go of? I am pissed off about it...hurt by it...twisted by it...and it is of my own doing.

Now...my hands hurt...and putting my hands on her...my old friend...my other wife or mistress...the one whom I share all my intimacies with...all my emotions bared...and who doesn't judge me...but partners with me to bring God's work forth...His gift....to me...through my hands...through the wood...and the steel...to my ears...and others hearts...to the world...this is THE only place...where my hands don't hurt as much.

Last May...a doctor...an orthopedist...diagnosed me with carpel tunnel...and I have it in both hands...gave me a shot in my left palm....that hurt like hell...and then he sent me to a neurologist...who tested me...who confirmed...yeup...carpel tunnel...you got it...both hands...right hand is worse...but it is my left that has more pain...a trigger finger with my middle finger...and I am certain that it has to do with using the old, outdated, computer systems and non-ergonomic desks at my workplace...because that is where I have the most pain...not at home...not playing the guitar...actually playing is the one place...the only place...that actually relieves my pain...both physically and emotionally...spiritually...using whatever level of gift God has given me...

I am not saying that I am the most talented or gifted...but there is something there...something that is beyond little old me...something more...because I feel it...feel Him...when I play.

I am a father...I am a teacher...I am a mentor...I am a therapist and counselor...I am a business owner...I am an artist...I am a photographer...I am a writer....I am a philosopher...I am a student...I am more than all these things...but all that said and done...I am a guitarist...I am a musician...I am called to it...it speaks to me...it calls me...and frankly...I am not heeding the call...and I feel the lessened for it...I feel the tear in my heart and soul...it pulls at my spirit...and I know...I know...

There was a point in my life where playing music was hard for me because I felt like a failure. I beat myself up over it all the time and everytime I played it was a reminder...I never stopped playing...I kept my chops up...but I became emotionally cut off...so I switched my emotional release to art...and drawing...I worked for 3 years to develop that skill...and this was where I was able to take that...

But....

Whatever else I am....whatever else I can do...at heart...I am a guitarist...and I am a musician...even if it isn't how I make my living today...this is who I am...but almost no one knows it...only those that are closest to me...and only those that are truly closest to me...have heard MY music...know my voice from those strings...and I question why haven't I believed my contribution is worth it? Why am I not enough?

I hear songs on the radio that sound like things I have already written...listen to guitar solos that sound as if I could have played them...even before they have been put out...I was playing similar pieces...that was part of how I knew I was headed in the right direction musically...

I may not be the greatest...but I am no worse than those that the world listens to...those that are out there...those that everyone...including myself...admire...and yet...here I am...an unknown...unimportant...unnoticed...I will not be remembered...not for my music...which is such a HUGE part of who I am...and not even my family will remember...will know...there is something fundamentally wrong with that...I think...

Maybe I can't make the world stand up and listen...maybe I will never have the attention and validation I crave publicly...but my kids should know me...they should know who their father could have been...

My daughter in law...Breanna...said to me a year ago or less...and this is someone I have known now for 10 years at least..."I never got to see you play...I mean with a band...I know you play rock and roll and blues...but I have never seen it...I've never heard it"...she is my son's wife...and she has never even seen what I can do...who I am...she hears me play my acoustic guitars...but has no clue as to what I am capable of musically...for goodness sakes...for someone that has invested most of their life's desire in the pursuit of musical recognition...and to have nothing to show for it...there is something really....really...wrong with that...and it makes me look at something I hate to see in myself...I quit. I gave up. I let the dream drift over me...like a warm summer's breeze...to quote a song I like LOL...and I sit here tonight missing it...and regretting...

So where do I go from here? Pursue another career...I am doing that...concentrate on becoming a better dad and husband...I am doing that too...search for balance in my life....I am working on that front as well. But those things just aren't healing my heart. I miss who I was trying to be...who I aspired to be...and I know...I let myself down...I let my dream drift away from me...and I am poorer for it. The bigger question is though...

Where do I go from here?

I was jez thinking...

2009-10-01T23:49:00.000-07:00

Anytime I stop long enough to think about it...I see my life and environment as supportive...but also volatile...and while I know that in times where things are going well...I think it is fitting that my thoughts and focus remain on those things positive in my life...I also know that when there come those times where things are not going the best they can be...in those moments...I tend to try to stay focused on those things that are healthy. I am not nearly as concerned about right or wrong....good or bad...as much as I am concerned about healthy...

In my life...especially in my work...I see a lot of unhealthy...but I am there to try to help people help themselves so it makes sense to me that I work at keeping my focus on my own balance and trying to stay healthy...and in the spirit of this sentiment...I write tonight...though yawning and dead tired...I guess I am looking to reach out and get myself out here...it's been awhile.

Seems to be a theme for me...a good deal of time goes by and then I write again...hmm...wonder if that is healthy or not LOL...

Lately I have been killer busy...racking up a lot of countable hours at work...as of today I have less than 130 hours left of the 3,000 to go in this chase for my license...and it feels great....but I am tired and this work is hard. There are so many folks having hard times...it really is hard to believe how tough things are. But that's what keeps me in business I guess.

I am worried about my kids...all four of them...for different reasons of course...but they weigh on my mind...it's hard not to worry about them...but it actually helps me to relate to the parents I counsel...and keeps me humble...so it is OK that I think about them all the time and worry about them...pray for them...that's what we dads do...

I guess that is the foundation of it all really isn't it? As stressed out as I sometimes get...and we all do...I love my bubbies...from 27 to 4 they are all my heart and I love them always...

I love you guys...with all my heart.

Wrong number...

2009-07-19T00:36:00.000-07:00

This blog is a little different but I felt like I just needed to share...and for some maybe warn a bit...

I know that most everyone is aware of what some people do with the cameras in their cell phones and texting...and as long as they are consenting adults...hey...it's a free country...have fun if that appeals to ya...go for it...but...one suggestion here...make sure you dial the right number when sending private photos...because one digit off...and you could be sharing yourself with anyone out there.

I was the recipient of one of these types of texts...four actually...three pics and a follow up question...Hmm says me....

Last Wednesday I am minding my own business driving Sarah home from swimming class and my phone starts going off...blowing up...and I wondered what was going on...is Heather trying to get a hold of me or is someone in trouble or what....

I was close to home so I just waited until I pulled in the driveway...I didn't want to be checking text messages while driving...and as I am getting out to go around the car and get Sarah out...I open it up and WHOA! Who is she...she sure looks like she is having fun and all...but why am I WHOA! close up...um...why am I getting this?!?...WHOA! even closer...yikes! Of course this stops me in my tracks....before I get to where Sarah is in the car and get her out...I can't have this open on my phone around her...I click the next one and it is just a question that is something like...hope you like...send me one of yours....or whatever...and I am thrown...WTF?!?

I get out of the texting part of my phone so that Sarah won't see anything she shouldn't...and get Sarah inside and send her to get her swim suit off and go in to show Heather what just came over my phone...she looked and started deleting and asking me questions...LOL...and I told her what had happened...

Now a few things occurred to me here. I don't have any idea who this is...in the pics one could see everything there is to see...except her face...and so I have no idea...who they are...how old they are...who they are trying to send this to...why I got it...and then it occurs to me...this might not be coming from the girl in the pics...it might be coming from some guy who is sharing photos of someone he has been with...whatever...and he is trying to share this with a buddy or whatever...

I dunno...Heather deleted 3 and I deleted the last one and we talked a bit about it...but I gotta tell ya...there is a part of this that really bothered me.

One...I didn't want my wife thinking that I had anything to do with receiving these pics...it was random and nothing like this has ever happened to me before. That's why I showed her myself and talked to her about it because I didn't want her to see anything and come questioning me...thinking I did anything wrong.

Two...I don't know the age of the person and thinking that it could have been a minor makes me sick to my stomach...not only for seeing it but for the person in the pic as well as her parents.

Third...if this was some guy spreading pics of a girl that let him take pics of her so that he could share them with his buddies...at least without her knowing...I know some people do it...but it isn't respectful to her...not cool...

Maybe none of this was the case...maybe the girl was sending something of herself to a boyfriend or spouse...trying to spice things up...maybe...actually...I hope so...but the other possibilities bother me....and I felt bad for her because I know I wasn't the person she meant to see those pics...I am thinking...it was a wrong number.

DOH! LOLOL...Yikes!

So for those that text...be careful opening up things from a number that you don't recognize...like Forrest Gump said...ya never know what you're gonna get...and secondly...parents...of kids that have cell phones...with texting and a camera...take a look through your kids' phones regularly...make sure they aren't doing anything like this...talk to them about it...even if they are in college...talk to your kids about this...cause...welp....they never know who is looking in on what they send out...especially if it is a wrong number or on someone else's phone...and they send it out to share without her knowledge...even if they "think" they can "trust" that person.

Things that me ya go Hmm...
DOH! LOL...

My old friend...

2009-07-11T09:23:00.000-07:00

I picked up my guitar last night for the first time in awhile and I started going through riffs and scales warming my hands up. Since I was diagnosed with carpel tunnel in May I have been more hesitant to pick it up since the Dr and the nurse at the office there kept telling me that playing guitar contributes and with some can even cause carpel tunnel. Personally I think that it wasn't playing guitar that did this to me. It "might" have been a contributing factor...I'll give ya that...but I think "the cause" is the computer work I do at my job. I have had this job for a year and a half now...and during that time...I have had many periods of pain while sitting at my cube that caused me to get up and walk away from the desk. It hurts.

As I played and got re-familiar with my neck and fretboard I started to notice things. It's kinda like any other kind of workout...when you are just starting to do your warm up with any kind of exercise, your mind kinda has the tendency to drift and you do certain things by rote. As you attention returns...if you are paying attention....you start picking up on certain things...form...the way things feel...the fact that you are doing things on autopilot instead of thinking things through...the tone...

As I meandered through several things I started to experiment and fool around. I can't say it was truly creative or productive but I will say it brought me back to a place I need to be. I started to feel as I was playing. Ahh...I remember this...my best friend...my old friend...the wood...the steel...this fretboard...I can play one note...and I could cry...or I could fill with joy...

This is an important point because I can play whole passages of music...including music I have written...with no thought or emotional tie to it because I have played it for so long...my hands just do this by physical memory and I fly through things unattached...personal note here...I hate it when I do this...there is no emotion and it is purely structured ritualism...going through a motion...and this is something I dislike doing...but I will say it is natural and normal...and every artist knows exactly what I am describing...especially musicians...because it is common...but I don't like it. It's like just phoning it in...and I try never to do this while performing...but when practicing...it isn't uncommon to slip into that space.

When there...personally...I need to pull myself out of it because music...specifically...and art...generally...is about being creative and expressing emotional output and feeling.

If you ain't feeling it then you ain't playing it right.

So somehow I wondered over to one of my songs...and I started humming along to it as I played...and I was stirring inside. After playing this way for a short while...I went to get my binder and pulled out my lyrics and started to play my songs in earnest. I played one song after another...singing...playing...feeling.

It's been awhile since I have done this and it felt really good. As I played I was listening at the same time...and as I listened...I found myself reconnecting with my own music...with my own art. Now...most of my music...very few people have ever heard. My wife...knows a good deal of it...my children to varying degrees...are familiar with at least some of it...Harmony probably knows my songs better than my sons since she has lived with me and been present in the most recent years. Some of the stuff is old...some is not. However I feel bad because none of this has been recorded...old and newer...and I need to get this stuff recorded just for posterity's sake if nothing else. I want to be able to gift it to my kids...so that they can remember...

I don't know if anyone else will ever hear my music. I am not so sure anyone would care...

As I listened to the songs myself...I kept feeling it and thinking...this stuff is pretty good...I don't know about my renditions of it LOLOL...but the songs are pretty good. The ideas are there. Then as I play and sing I think about where some of the songs came from...different people in my life...and I started thinking about how others might relate to what I am saying in some of these songs...how some people have related to my songs in the past...and it started occurring to me that...as personal as my music is to me...it will mean different things to different people and I started seeing how things that I've written could be taken in by other people...and they would make their own meanings to the music.

Then I remembered a conversation that I had with a very good friend of mine...Tracy...many many years ago...sitting at a food joint...I told him that I wanted to get my music out to people...without even putting my name on it...so that the focus is the music and not me...and I had a flood of these memories come back...feelings and impressions...desires...hopes and dreams...and a reconnect...for me...with my artist inside.

I could certainly use extra income...we are really tight and the stress is high over finances in our home...we both have jobs and we have a side photography business...but I am always looking for ways for us to help ourselves out of the financial bind that we are in...the business man in me wants to make money from my hard work...but I sometimes...often times....wonder...if anyone would care or be interested in my art...I often doubt it...but it does make me wonder...the artist in me is starved for the pats on the back...the attention....but my heart and soul is about moving people and helping others...and in that...it makes me wonder if my music could help...could my music move people?....could my music move you?

It moves me...so maybe...just maybe...it might be bigger than me...

One wedding, one moving out, one job loss, & one possible transplant...

2009-07-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day...and a sad day...for me.

I had the honor of walking my little girl down the isle yesterday...watching her wed her love and taking a huge step into adulthood. I woke up this morning feeling the absence of her in our home and wishing it weren't so...and yet...happy for my little girl....who is not a little girl anymore...she is an adult embarking on her life...with hope and expectation. She worked very hard yesterday making sure everything was getting done and was out there in the morning working in the sun to ensure a good evening. She had fun and she worked hard...what more could a parent ask for...I was very proud of her. I am very proud of her. She is a grown woman and she is a good woman.

My son...Joshua...officiated the ceremony and he did an amazing job. He was nervous but well prepared and made us laugh and cry and think. He took on the honor of doing this for Harmony very seriously and he took on the commitment with passion. He also did this with a sense of humor and humility. I was proud of him. He is a good man.

My son Jacob was there to celebrate with us and acted as a witness for Harmony...signing his good name to say that he was there and supported his sister...even when he didn't feel well and he is going through a very tough time in his life right now. He was present and participated and laughed...and made others smile. He was in the moment and present. I am proud of him...he is a good brother and son....he is a good man.

Sarah was so cute...running around blowing bubbles and playing with Bella and another little girl close to Bella's age...taking pictures of everyone in the crowd with her Dora camera...enjoying the crowd and the day...taking full advantage of being a kid and being the oldest of the little girls who kept following her...never slowing down and laughing all the day through...especially...when her brothers, her new brother in law, and his friends and family started this cacophony of fart noises with the neon colored putty in a jar called Flarp! which sounded very much like Blazing Saddles when they sat around the campfire eating beans. Heather bought a case of these things at the dollar store so that everyone could join in the fun. Sarah was in the moment and had a blast...she kept saying...that's disgusting!...pphhhtt!...LOL...she was very good with the kids younger than she...I was very proud of her. She is a very good girl.

Breanna...Joshua's wife...was very supportive and present in the moment. She supported Josh and took care of Zeus...their big dog...so that Josh could focus on what he was there to do. I was proud of her and she is a good woman. My son is blessed to have her as a wife and in his life and I am very happy that she is there with him.

Alicia...Jacob's partner and long time girlfriend...did a fantastic job of making the cake, red white and blue complete with an American flag fitting for the occasion, and being there, being present, and having a good time. I was proud of her and she is a good woman. My son is blessed to have her in his life and as his partner and I am very happy that she is there with him.

Brian...my new son in law...has been a big help in getting ready for the day...he mowed our front and back lawn twice in preparation for the upcoming day...no small feat since our back yard alone is 70' x 70'. He was out there helping yesterday morning and he helped me get my P. A. gear from storage and I greatly appreciated that. He manned up and he is trying to do right by my daughter and I appreciate that more than he knows...I was proud of him. He is a good man. My daughter is blessed to have him as a husband and in her life and I am very happy that he is there with her.

Heather worked very hard and long to make the day special for Harmony...trying to take care of me...thinking about Jacob and wanted to make sure he felt included...thinking about Joshua and supporting what he needed to do...trying to keep people on task while being a good Mommy to Sarah as well...she put out a lot of effort and I noticed...and appreciated it...she did good...ya did good buttercup! I was proud of her...and she is a good woman. I am glad to have her in my life...in our lives.

Harmony's mom Sandy and her husband Mark were here in the morning working on the back yard and putting in long hot hours and hard work helping out and getting everything prepared...and they did a great job. I was so grateful for their help and effort. Everything looked wonderful and things went off well. I was proud of their teamwork and they are good people. Thank you guys for your efforts.

Kymn was there with bells on and camera in hand...snapping pics and catching the moments during the ceremony so that we could focus more on what was happening...we took some pics and video anyway but it was so nice not to "HAVE TO"...and we could focus on Harmony and what the event was all about...we both appreciate her efforts and we are blessed to have had her help. Thank you so much for being there and helping us out...as well as your spicy turkey.

Both families seemed to get along and have a good time. Brian's dad serenaded the group after the ceremony with a couple of songs on his acoustic guitar and harmonica. Heather took pictures and I took videos...and everyone mingled and then got to the buffet table and got down to the food. I cranked up the music through my P. A. and we all had a good time. We created a nice time but more importantly a great memory.

We capped off the night with conversation with Josh as everyone dwindled away and went off on their own ways...saying goodbye to Harmony was hard...and it signified the end of an era for us...for me...the youngest of my earlier set of kids...has officially moved out....and moved on. That was hard. That still is hard.

The conversation with Josh hit a lot of areas but a good deal of it was about his recent trip to Stanford and what the Cystic Fibrosis Dr's and transplant team there told him, his recent positive test for TB, and what he plans on doing with his life if he actually has the surgery. I feel like my life is surreal and I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around everything...it is all so much.

How come I seem to have to have the great...side by side with the crappy and scary....I mean really...can't it just be one good day...and leave it at that? WTF?

I am tired of being scared and worried...I do have faith in God and God has blessed me immeasurably. He has blessed me and blessed my family....but damn...it is sometimes exhausting...the push and pull of emotion and the conditionality of it all...

Maybe I am whining...but it is how I feel...and that is real.

It would be nice to have a day where I don't have to be reminded how close I am to having my whole world turned upside down...where I can celebrate without any negativity or negative feeling.

I know some will read that statement and say Hmm...it is all a choice...and I guess that's true...but I would invite you to stand in my shoes and look through my eyes for a minute before too much judgement against me. I feel like I am a positive person...I make a very concerted effort to stay positive in my life...but dangitall...come on!...LOL.

Life is indeed good...I just wish I felt better about all this. It is tough...and I would be lying if I said otherwise.

PS....we missed you guys...shell and Tracy....G & Walt...I'm sorry you guys couldn't be here...you were missed...and I hope things get better for each of you guys. I know things are tough...I hear ya ;)

God bless this mess...

What it all means...

2009-04-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

Sooo...

Stockton....California...has been nationally....in the top 3 or so...and number 1 several times for over the past year...on the list of highest home foreclosures...as I said....in the nation...this town has one of the highest illiteracy rates in the entire country...probably because of being in the valley of growers and we have a high population of farm workers...many of whom are illiterate...then we recently get the news by some one's research (a big company like Forbes but I don't remember who it was exactly) and reporting...again nationally...that Stockton California is one of if not "the" unhappiest cities "in the nation"...and then recently...within the last week...I heard on the news that one of the high schools here in town (it happens to be the one I attended and sent 3 of my 4 children to) has one of the worst rates of graduation in the state...in...the entire state....and other high schools here in this city are not far behind it...with less than 50 %...average currently here in town at like a 46 % or below graduation rate...and then to top it all off...I hear on the news this last week...that this city is one of the most violent in the nation...within the top 3...THE TOP 3!....IN THE NATION!....

The news caster goes on...that means we are worse than Detroit........Philadelphia........etc. etc. and I am thinking now...hmm...things that make me go...Hmm...

My 25 year old son was hit in the face by a stranger outside a liquor store on this last New Years Eve...over like $1.30...because the person (read bum/loser/jerk@#%) asked for this odd amount as my son and daughter-in-law went in and again as they went out...and then as my son came out...this....person...sucker punched him....from behind...like the coward he is...as hard as he could...coming from in back of and behind my son, splitting my son's lip and causing his teeth to come through below his lower lip and needing a host of stitches...inside and out...all this in front of his wife.....he then ran away. He was caught quickly...the perpetrator was prosecuted on a reduced and lesser charge than the aggravated assault and battery that it was...to a simple battery...a misdemeanor...after causing fairly serious and permanent injury to my son...who already has Cystic Fibrosis and spends a good deal of his time on oxygen from a tank (although he wasn't using it at that particular moment)......so that the D. A.'s office can process it quickly, easily, and unencumbered. There are too many people out at the county jail and they are routinely letting people out to release the congestion. The same for our prisons. I know this from having been a facilitator for 3 years of court ordered domestic violence and anger management classes. This is the reality we live in.

The D.A.'s office tells my son that the attorneys don't want or need to talk to him or his wife...the witness to the crime...no need...they will call if the D.A. needs to talk to them and BTW please do not come down here and try to talk with anyone or come to court...no need...no need for going after a felony either BTW...even though there is a permanent scar on my son's face...even though a police officer taking their statements on the scene told them that they had caught this same guy doing this same thing to someone else at an earlier date...and that person refused to file charges (probably out of fear). So he was back out on the street and able to do it again...this disgusts me.

The guy spent 30 days or less in the county jail...and then he will most likely have to do a 16 week program...just like or maybe even the same one's I used to teach...and probably pay fines...and that will be it....except for one little problem...this whole insane thing happened because this jerk was panhandling for a buck thirty...Do you think he will pay his restitution? I do not. The county...will never get their money.

I counseled folks like this for three years and I can not even tell you how many times I listened to grown adults talk about not needing to take responsibility...because they can skirt the system and get away with it...and they laugh about it...it is a joke to many of them because they know the game...and I promise you folks...from someone that has worked inside that system...it is a game. It is not about justice...it is about numbers. I tried my best....to make a difference in the lives of the people I counseled...and some of them told me that I did exactly that. But I could not get to everybody...and I can not make anyone else change. I did what I could in the 3 years I worked in that system...I tried...and succeeded...at least to some degree.

Then I think about the shooting right outside my home less than two years ago...50 feet from my bedroom. My car took a bullet....which was headed into my neighbor's children's room if it hadn't hit my car...and my neighbor's car took a bullet....which was headed into my brother's bedroom if it had not hit their car...and a young man took a bullet and lay in the street across the street diagonally from my house. I heard that he was paralyzed from the ribs or waist down. June will be two years ago. I blogged about it then.

http://docsdoxology.blogspot.com/2007/06/911what-is-your-emergency.html

What's more...only about four months after that...I was very near another shooting while doing my domestic violence and anger management classes at work. Praise God no one was injured in that one but it happened as a drive by...they sprayed one of my group member's car with bullets...13 to be exact...I counted...and there were people on the porch in front of the house that the car was parked at and children around in the neighborhood. I blogged about that one too.

http://docsdoxology.blogspot.com/2007/10/bang-bang.html

So with all that stuff running around in my head...I am thinking...dang...I don't want to raise Sarah in this mess. Who's afraid of Compton, south central, or Harlem? I have heard that some of the tough guys from south bay...around San Jose area...where gangs run rampant...are afraid to come up into Stockton...because they know it's the real deal here.

My brother calls a couple weeks ago with a business idea. Good idea I tell him...something on order of an idea we have discussed for years. But he wants to do it here. Yikes. I tell him how I am feeling and we have a long discussion.

I don't want to have another incident happen to one of my family. My son that was attacked and his wife are leaving and while that is very hard for Heather and I we are also jealous because we want to move towards the coast ourselves. I want to raise Sarah in a place where this cute, fun, very smart and talented girl will thrive...and not just exist. But it just isn't that simple. No matter how much we might want to get out of here...we don't exactly have a support network anyplace that we might go to...so we will mostly be on our own...and we don't want to get too far away from any of my kids...not to mention the finances for doing something like that. It feels as if...no matter which way we go...there is a piece of something that we will have to leave behind...and it will be a hard financial road to get there.

This has been my home. All of my life...I was born here...I grew up here...buried my father here (so to speak)...I had my own children here...got married here...the first time at least LOL...the second time around I got smarter. I asked myself...why NOT get married on a white sandy beach...in Hawaii? I couldn't think of an answer! Heather couldn't think of an answer! So that is exactly what we did!

We were even blessed enough to have another couple with us...good friends...that were able to share the experience with us. Then a year later we did it all over again with all my kids and both our moms and Heather's step-dad and other friends and family in attendance at a beautiful B&B in Point Reyes...all of this was April 28th (Maui) and April 29th (Point Reyes) 3 and 4 years ago respectively. Our anniversary...the 28th of April...was chosen because that signifies the day we actually met...11 years ago. Tomorrow. This...has been quite and adventure.

So tomorrow H and I will make it officially 11 years...and in that time we have had real ups and real downs...but we have stayed strong through it all...even in the nation's most foreclosed, illiterate, drop out ridden, depressed, and dangerously violent places in these United Stated.

Between us there are four amazing people that we have been blessed by being able to call them our children, a home, 3 master's degrees, careers, a growing photography business, music, art, web sites and blogs, and more blessings and memories than we can count.

Maybe...someday...we will be able to make a leap...a leap of faith...and who knows what will come from it...but I bet...no matter what...it will be a great adventure...and create fantastic new memories...and hopefully...God willing...lead us to an even better example to the people that we come in contact with in our lives.

Babe...I love you.
Happy anniversary.
May the next 11 years be even more rewarding and may the 11 years after that raise the bar even further.
May we always strive to be better people, better parents, and better citizens of the world.

Surreal...

2009-04-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

I had a weird experience this week. It was just...surreal.

As I mentioned in the blog prior to this one I recently got a couple of traffic tickets and so they were due to be paid and taken care of this week. On my lunch from work Tuesday I went down to the court house to pay them and take care of business.

As I approach the building I see the police have the small parking lot next to the court house blocked off and as I get closer I see a glut of vans and trucks with tall antennas and every news logo you can imagine. I drive around to go to the back side of the building. That road is also blocked off and filled with more news crews. What is going on here?!? I have to travel another two blocks to go around to try to reach the parking structure...I go in, park, and start walking to the court house.

As I am approaching the building I am struck with the feeling that I am very close to the middle of something...something big. There is excitement in the air...the people are buzzing around and the photographers, both still and video, are lined up along the walkway as if there is an invisible red carpet laid out in front of my path. They are huddled in packs...shoulder to shoulder...and they have a hungry look in their eyes. I might have even seen one drool a little...not sure.

The good news is they are looking straight past me and I am very OK with that. This is an uneasy feeling. The air is heavy with anticipation and the crews are thick and ready. There are news reporters actually doing stories all around me...all three networks...locals...etc. talking into microphones and looking earnestly into cameras...answering questions from their anchors...it is about 12:05 and they are all broadcasting. As I walk up the ramp to the court house, to my left I see a small forest of video camera tripods standing in front of a large row of microphones...clearly there is going to be a press conference at some point...but the cameras are on shoulders and pointed in all different directions...moving and searching. There is anticipation in the air. They smell something coming.

I asked people to let me through because they were excited and adrenalin was pumping...there was a semi-politeness to it...they were not rude...but it was evident that they could be...and they appeared like blood hounds on a trail...alert...anxious...blood pumping...ready. I made it through with only being bumped into twice...and I realized why they were there.

I realized that today...that Tuesday...they were bringing in to court the woman they have arrested and accused of murdering that little 8 year old girl...Sandra Cantu...in Tracy. I hadn't thought about it when I left home that morning...or work just prior...that this was happening here this day. I just wanted to pay my traffic and brake light fines and go on about my business and day...I didn't know that I would get exposed to this...circus...this sick...negative...bloodthirsty gathering.

I make it to the security gate where I have to take off my belt, watch, and lanyard for work and empty pockets. As I get ready to go through the metal detector someone ahead of me is telling the security guard that, "if she really did it I hope that they kill her". I go through the metal detector and as I am retrieving my stuff from the other side I look up to my left and see Tim so and so from News 10 being hassled about his belt. I look up to my right and it is Mike Lesalle from KCRA News 3 coming through and putting his belt back on literally shoulder to shoulder to me. I am taking my time. These guys are in an all out hurry.

Then I look up and there is commotion and movement from outside. A lot of noise coming through and all the cameras are focused in one direction. There is pushing and shoving...yelling...the blood hounds are barking. Then I see what all the commotion is about. I see the Cantu family. I see the large man first...he is the slain girls uncle and he is trying to make a path for the aunt and the mom. There is a woman in a bright blue blazer with them. I recognize her but I can't exactly place the face. I thought because of the way she was dressed that maybe she was a lawyer. Later I realized...this was the mother of Shondra Levy...the intern who went missing and was eventually found dead. I am still pulling my belt on...looping it through my pants and feeling rather exposed by all the cameras and attention...I am in the background but I can feel the heat of it...and frankly...it is most unpleasant.

At earlier times in my life I dreamed of getting press attention for making movies...making music...cameras...reporters...my name in lights...but surely not like this. This...is...something quite different. Surreal. A month ago...the family of Sandra Cantu from Tracy was living their lives...unaware...blissfully unaware....that they would be facing this on this Tuesday.

I saw a couple of the 11:00 news reports and I saw the family...walking up the same path as I had just moments prior...I saw the uncle barking at the photographers because they were impeding their entry into the court house. They are not respectful...in the way they treat these people...they are doing their job...I understand that...but they are so hungry and thirsty for that shot that they get rude...disrespectful...and they lose their humanity and dignity...because of the frenzy...it is truly surreal.

I was surprised by several things but I think the thing that stuck with me...that affected me...was being that close to it. I see it on the TV all the time...news stories and journalists trying to get the shot or story...but that is the closest I have been to the actual...and I gotta tell ya...as an outsider looking in...I really felt bad for the family. Haven't they been through enough? It was weird.

May God be with them and all of us...and may we really look at why we do what we do.

Venting...phew...

2009-04-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

I am kind of feeling...well...sort of out of sorts...and I am not exactly sure if this is the place to bring it out but I will vent a bit anyway. Not that I even really know exactly what the heck the point is...other than to just vent...I have several things going on and so it isn't a simple thing...I have a lot on my plate. Don't we all?

Money problems, house problems, health issues, work issues, I haven't had a traffic ticket in like...20 years or something like that and then recently I got 2 in one week...luckily one is just a fix-it-ticket...all my stuff from my garage is still in my back yard...and it's raining...and earlier this week my son and his wife tell me they are moving far away in two weeks (far away is a 3 hour drive from here)...along with what he is planning to do concerning his health. He has Cystic Fibrosis and could definitely be a lot healthier...he isn't doing all that great.

I want the best for them and I want him to be healthy. I am glad that they are doing what they feel they need to do...and they are getting help from friends of mine...which is very nice of them to offer it up...but it breaks my heart in some ways...and I will miss them...more than either of them could ever know.

They are no longer going to be a phone call away...dinners or visits...and especially not here for Sarah to enjoy. I know they are doing what they need to do...and I am proud of them for having the guts to do that...but I would be lying if I said it doesn't bother me...quite a lot.

Of course nothing is ever simple. Later in the week I have a conversation with someone else concerning a matter of the same magnitude but regarding a different person very close to me. Sorry to be so cryptic but information has not been shared with all parties so I therefore must be secretive for now. None the less it was news of the same proportion and magnitude and thereby carried with it the same weight.

A lot of meaningful change in a short amount of time.

All this at a time when we are struggling in my household with basic things as well. Heather is struggling with what she can and can't eat, worried about her weight loss and health, concerned about whether or not she is where she is supposed to be. Both of us are concerned for Sarah and how to decide the next phases of her development, education, and growth. We are both so concerned about this little girl being alone...we want to make sure she is surrounded with love and people she can love and will learn good things from.

Both of us are stressed about our jobs...both on multiple levels...meaning...will we still have jobs considering the national economy and the health of our state here in California...and that we both work for governmental entities...as well as the fact that we both are having personal struggles on our own individual jobs...for individual reasons. Neither of us have easy jobs...and we struggle often with just getting through the week.

The stress is overwhelming at times...

I am sleeping less and less. I can't seem to even get 6 hours a night at this point...and it is getting worse. I woke up today before 5:00 AM and this is a Saturday...after going to bed at midnight. I have health things going on as well...and that isn't helping.

To top it all off I am not doing what I know to do to make my own personal stress level better. The stuff I teach and preach for a living. We need places to vent and express. We need ways to release or it builds. Why?!? you might be asking yourself...aren't I doing what I do know?...and truthfully...if I knew that I wouldn't be feeling like this. Of course I can rationalize...and I do sometimes....but the truth is...I personally believe it is the stress itself coming from so many different directions with a force that I am almost constantly feeling build inside and against me...leaves me feeling drained. I do mindfulness, meditative, and stress relieving exercises at times but the current and pressure is too swift and I can't keep up.

One of the best vents I ever discovered in my life has been music and playing guitar. I have had a passion for it for decades. Sometimes...I just hold on to my guitar...and feel the fretboard...under my fingers...because I am truly in love with it. The guitar is a part of me. Now though...I still play but I am struggling with it...again on multiple levels...including having physical problems with my hands...and it is becoming more and more difficult for me...so at this point playing is as much physical therapy for me and less about venting or creating...which changes the experience greatly. I also have nobody that I play with and I greatly miss that...as well as missing performing. I love to play for people and watch them groove to my melody...my beat. There's nothing like it.

For a time many years ago...I was struggling with the feeling of letting myself down concerning music and so I turned to drawing. I had a passion for drawing and loved it...for years and through art classes and drawing groups...now...I barely pick up a pen or pencil. When I do...I still get compliments on the work I produce...but I feel cut off. I have loved to read since I was very little and I got to love writing...and at least I am doing some writing on my two blogs...but it has become increasingly infrequent and I have had a harder time focusing to be able to write the way I would like to.

I love photography and capturing people and places...moments...moments in the meantime...and the creative focusing while taking the picture is fun...and feels creative...and I am still doing this with Heather in our business...although I think it is correct to say that I have not been shooting very much outside of business or family times...which again...bothers me.

I am a man of many passions and this reality has always been one of the personal truths I have really liked about myself and been proud of...but lately...I am feeling deflated and out of touch with my own creativity and inner strength.

I know I probably sound like I'm whining...I am a blessed man with a good family, a job where I get to help people for a living, relatively good health, a good marriage, and I have at least half a brain and a few talents to enjoy. All this is true. But I am feeling like I am not completely here...with all my passions firing...and I am less for it.

And...I miss Maui...

Anybody got any suggestions?

Welp...it's kinda like...

2009-03-02T18:15:00.000-08:00

In today's world...we have many choices and many things we have to decide on everyday. Choices, choices, and more choices...we can get bogged down with decisions and options...which way do we go and what would be better...left....or right...should we this or should we that...which is better...which is worse...on and on.

I find myself sometimes creating an overwhelming array of obstacles for myself based on deteriorating processing power with my ever taxed brain, feeling about as up to speed as a caricatured cartoon of myself.

Have you ever wondered about what you would look like as a cartoon? I think I would still be round...but more bouncy :)

Hmm...I wonder if things get easier somewhere down the line...I'm thinking that I need to switch tracks if I want it easier but then I wonder if that would give me what I really want. I tend to doubt it...I think it would simply create a new set of the same ol' same ol'.

So what then...can one do...without making one's self crazy?

Have you ever been on vacation and not brought your watch? I did that once...we went on a cruise...and I didn't bring my watch...on purpose...a choice...cause I didn't want to be reminded of schedules and timetables...and we went on a nice relaxing cruise...where every 5 minutes...a new activity was starting somewhere on the ship...tons of things to do...if you can simply get to them on time...I had to buy a stupid cheap watch...just to be able to keep up LOL...

So much for spontaneous...

Kinda reminds me of hanging out the window of a car...when I was all of about 3-4 years old...butt on the car door and hanging out the window...hands on the roof of the car...traveling down highway 50 coming back from Tahoe snaking along the river with the wind in my hair and patting my hands on the roof of the car...feeling free...until my dad looked back at me from behind the wheel and freaked out...seeing his kid hanging out the back window of a car speeding down a winding highway LOL...I thought it was a good idea at the time...

Hmm...choices...kinda makes me wonder...what if I would have...manOman do I have some doosies...LOL...

Isn't it absurd how time flies by...and what's up with this having it go faster as you get older stuff. It seems to me that it really ought to be the other way around. Somehow that feels like we're being ripped off.

How's about a downshift? Maybe it would be better to hit the clutch and grab the gearshift and get into 3rd gear...slow 'er down...not to coast...of course...but damn...I was so much more peddle down 20 years ago...LOL...now I keep looking for some other way...

Have you ever had a label that you didn't like? Most of us have at some time or another...sometimes we adjust and grow accustomed to the label and sometimes it gets worse as time goes on...I have one like that...more than one actually...it's my own doing mind you...no one elses...this one label...but I am not liking it...I need to change it...needing to DO something about it...

Choices...hmm...

Decisions decisions

2009-01-03T00:17:00.000-08:00

Sooo...I'm fat. I'm not 800 pounds...but I am fat...

Now...I know I'm fat...but it is a weird thing to see pictures of myself because I do not see myself as how fat I really am...and when I see the reality of it...well...it is disturbing to see at the least...and at most it is just plain out and out scary. I had that experience this week...a picture of Sarah and I together...and it wasn't expected.

My lovely wife Heather just got home today after having the gastric bypass surgery and she is just beginning this journey...but in the next year she is profoundly going to change physically. She keeps asking me how I feel about going through the same thing myself...and I keep telling her that I am still thinking about it...which is the truth.

The catch is...I have a preexisting colon problem that I was born with...and this surgery could/would impact that condition...and I asked her surgeon about this and he confirmed it...so it is not simply a fear of mine...it is a reality....however he also told me that he could do a similar but different form of the surgery on me (a procedure called "the sleeve" which effectively actually removes most of the stomach from the body but does not involve the smaller intestine, therefore it's form and method is not malabsorbtion as Heather's surgery but restriction) and then given some time...a few months...he would reevaluate for a second surgery to remove some of my colon to fix the colon problem I was born with.

This was...to say the least....shocking to me...I was told by a surgeon at the age of 12 years that this was inoperable...that I would live with this the rest of my life and there wasn't much I could do about it. I have learned through my own personal growth that there are things I can do about my condition and it has made an enormous difference for me both in function and in overall health in this regard (Heather's surgeon was impressed when I told him how much I have improved on my own just in the last 4-5 years). I can be proactive and it does make a difference. But I have operated (no pun intended) under the belief all these years, that I would just have to live with this forever and try to do my best. Now...I find out that this belief is no longer true.

That is profound for me. The thought of being normal in that regard has always been a dream that is completely unattainable for me. Now...the idea is no longer unattainable but very real and the surgeon was very frank and casual about this, telling stories of others whom he has done similar things for, albeit not for the same reason.

So I am left with a great big void of uncertainty...and an even more daunting question...do I go through two major surgeries...risk my life twice...to loose this weight and to get rid of a lifelong digestive problem? Would I truly be better off by all of the pain and risk...the possibilities are exciting and scary as hell.

I would be the ideal candidate for a gastric bypass type of surgery...other than the colon thing...I have three of the four conditions they ask about and use as qualifying factors, I have lost 75 pounds on my own and put it all back on plus more...and then lost 30 pounds through weight watchers last year ...and have put it all back on plus...and concerning the surgery her surgeon told me..."ya gotta do it"...and I am still trying to figure out if that is the sales pitch of a businessman plying his trade....or if he is actually right...and if he is correct...then maybe I should be doing everything I can so that I can be here and be healthy for decades to come.

My goal...at this point in my life...is to still be here and have a good and positive quality of life...by the time Sarah is my age...which would put me well into my 80's...and in order to accomplish this task...I need to get this stinkin weight off...and keep it off.

I am in a weird position because...realistically...I have lost 75 pounds before on my own...using a book I bought as a guide...a book called, "Weigh Less, Live Longer" by Dr. Arrone. Good book and I used it effectively, it works. I now "know" I could get this weight off. I do not question whether or not I could get it off. The problem I have is that I can't seem to keep it off. I am an addict and I use food as a drug to relieve my stress and use it as a friend when I need to feel better or differently. Maybe cutting my stomach out and having it completely removed, except for a 2-3 oz. pouch, is the answer. That is scary though. Even the surgery that Heather has had does not remove the organ from the body...they just place it to the side but it is still there.

Should I just....basically...loose/amputate my stomach....and for that matter some of my colon while I am at it? Is this really my only way? Or should I be allowing my weight and the medical complications from it to take me down slowly? Yuck...

How the hell did I end up here? Not in a million years would I have guessed earlier in my life that I would have this as a decision to face. There seems to me to be no clear and easy answer here. Everything is still on the table as for this moment...but I gotta tell ya...I am really struggling with this one...

Both paths are scary. Even if I lost all my weight through diet and exercise...which is still on the table too BTW...could I keep it off? Could I change me so much that I never go back to the way that I have lived the last several years? That...is the final question...and I am in no way reassured that I would be able to accomplish the long term goal. I "know" I could do the short term goal...but could I keep it off? That...that is the real question...hmm....I wish I knew...

It's Friday!

2008-10-10T17:34:00.000-07:00

Whew...it's Friday! Wow what a long week. Have ya ever had the feeling that your life is just flying by in a big blur? I had a week like that this week.

I logged a lot of face to face hours at work this week and had some of it affect me to some degree. That's always hard...when I feel like I am doing good but I keep walking through others lives and spending a lot of energy on helping them...at some point I start to tip over to depleting my own energy and focus on my own life...

Sometimes I wonder what the cost of all this giving is....does it just drain me of...well...whatever...or does it energize me because I know I am helping people....hmm...dunno....jury is still out on that one...

Still...it is good to help...I hope I am helping...sometimes I wonder...I like being sure of things...and sometimes all this doing for others is hard because I really don't "know" if it really is helping...it is all up in the air and we will find out in time....I guess that leaves me with my effort...and in that I do feel pretty good...I do have plenty of room for improvement of course...but I do work pretty hard as well....DO tah DO tah DO...suffice it to say...life is good...and I am tired...but it is Friday! So I can spend some time with the girls and hang out a bit...and talk with my wife cause I miss talking with her...we get so darned busy...Yeah :)

I certainly like being able to help...and hope that I am...I know I know....ya can't help everybody...and I know I don't...but I am pretty sure I do help some of them...and that my friends...is worth it...every time....now if I can just fix my own stuff LOLOL...hmm...
:)

Let me tell ya...

2008-09-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

So in between trips to see friends and to relax with family...with kids large and small along...life is going on...up and down...good and not so good...easy and hard...and while that is the way of things...as always...I find myself confronting things that I am having real difficulties with and unsure as to how I want to handle where I am surrounding my circumstances.

Today is Saturday...average weekend day so far...I cleaned up, dressed, and fed my daughter breakfast and got her those daily vitamins we give her to get her day started...I mowed front and back lawns and wrote an Email...and the girls are currently taking pictures...I'm sure Heather will have some up later today or tomorrow...

A regular leave it to beaver type of day...

Day before yesterday I was subpoenaed and had to go testify in court for a criminal child abuse case. This is the first time I have ever had to testify in a court case. I got through it and survived...I did not like it and it had a negative affect on me that is still reverberating...but it was a learning experience...that I truly hope I never have to repeat...but a learning experience all the same. I think I did well overall. I have no idea what effect my testimony would have on this case...but they all seemed to think it very important.

It amazes me how much of a game the experience is...the courtroom. It is a production...political...full of drama kings and queens putting on performances that rival the greatest of stage and screen...a ring master who presides over the production with a mix of boredom and exuberance...a procedure for every little thing...every little word questioned and examined as if a question rephrased...ever so slightly differently...or even sarcastically...will change my opinion or testimony and warrant some sort of pivot that sends one of the two players of the game reeling...one for the worse...one for the better...

The thing that may have bothered me the most though...was a choice of one of the prosecuting attorneys...to basically force me to look at pictures of the victim of the case, 3 pages worth...not just one or two pictures...even after I had testified as to reading the reports. I know what happened...thank you very much...I do not need to see it...

I deal in my daily profession...with children who have lived these realities...and some of which who are literally in the middle of living these realities...I was offended...as well as grossed out...hurt for the child and angry...both at the perpetrator and at the attorney...it was callous of her...and...it was intentional...very intentional...which to me makes it worse.

I let no one in the room see any of this in me of course...it did not change my testimony and it did not change my opinion of what I had to testify to...they told me to tell the truth...so help me God...and that is exactly what I did to the best of my ability...even after being rudely cut off and treated...more than once...by this same attorney....it wasn't needed or necessary...in my humble opinion.

Now an attorney reading this might say welp...ya know....it's all part of the game...nothing personal....but I have to tell ya...

I took it personally...very personally...it was personal to me...it might not have been to her...but it sure was to me...and for reasons that she...I am sure....does not even understand...she treated me like I do not understand what an abused child looks like...and has gone through...when honestly...I think I have a better understanding of it than she does...it's not because of pictures and what something looks like...but because I am one of the ones that they, the survivors, turn to...to try to heal from these atrocities...it just plain pissed me off...and hurt me...on multiple levels...

My prayer is for health...that child's...every child's...my own....that attorneys...that defendant...the judge and other people in that courtroom...because I don't want to hold on to anger or the pain...

I don't want to be in the fray...I want to actually help people...don't get me wrong...I am all for getting predators and people who can not control themselves off the streets to make it safe for my wife, kids, and family...not to even mention myself...and not to mention everyone else and their families...I know we need folks to do those things...to protect us...and I do appreciate that it is a difficult job...I can't tell you how glad I am...someone is out there to do that job...I just wish that people would stop to think about who it is they are talking to and what perspective they might have...instead of trying to be heavy handed and win...without consideration as to what their own actions are...because I walked out feeling very much like I had been abused myself...by the system and a person in it...who is supposedly fighting for justice...but it felt like she was just fighting to win...because she sure did not take me into consideration...and I would bet she doesn't even know how she hurt me...or why. She doesn't get it.

But I do...I get her...and the system...I know it's all we have...but damned if it isn't seriously flawed and hurtful.

Peace, sunsets, serenity, and prayer.

And the winner is...

2008-08-20T23:28:00.000-07:00

So...I am totally into the Olympics this four year stretch and I am not exactly even sure why. Getting totally into it and am already feeling the first pulls of them being over soon. Yikes!

I am loosing sleep over this LOL...and I am OK with it. I have gotten to see some incredible moments...and sometimes asking myself...what are you doing? But all in all...it has been worth it this time around.

I am not usually into this stuff this much. Usually I will watch some stuff on TV...but not loose sleep over it. But I gotta be honest...it has been exciting this time around...and worth it. It started with the incredible opening ceremony. Wow...

It makes me think about the things possible and I guess that makes me feel good. What it is like to fulfill a long time fought for goal.

I just watched May/Walsh win gold...again...this time in the rain...amazing. Very cool.

What is possible? If you need to dig down deep...what can you accomplish? What's out there for ya?

Indeed...

For fun...

2008-08-02T14:12:00.000-07:00

Welp...it has again been awhile since I last posted so I haven't improved that much...ahh vell...and nobody had any advice to give from my last post...hmm...everyone reading this must be as poor minded as I am LOL...or nobody's checkin in LOL...I guess I'm on my own to learn...

Today...momma's down visiting G with aunty Kymn so Harmony and I took Sarah Bear out to the zoo for a little fun in the sun. We had a good time mostly....although close to 1:00 Sarah, hot and very tired, started to cry...then it turned into a full on meltdown.

Daddy tried to make it better...Sissy tried to make it better...but the Boo Bear just wasn't havin any of it so we left and came home to put the big girl in bed. She had fun for awhile at least.

Getting some well needed warm sun!

This is Sissy trying to get Sarah to play like a goat and say Baahh! She never would lower herself to such nonsense LOL ;)

But sissy would!

This was Sarah's imitation of the monkeys we were looking at.

Our beautiful girl...with a mouthful of fingers.

And then things started to get hot...and someone started to get tired...soon after this...

things went south rather quickly...someone needed a nap.

There was a couple of folks from a program called Wild Things and they had a few animals there that they were presenting and showing off. Very cool and held Sarah's interests for a few minutes at least! :)

Here is a fairly large moniter lizard and a baby black bear.

We had fun...mostly. The folks are bringing animals in for show at noon and 2:00 every weekend until Labor day. Fun stuff!

It's about time!

2008-06-17T19:55:00.000-07:00

Welp...
Last week and the week before, Heather and I crossed milestones on our new jobs. Both of us hit the 6 months mark and are doing well. Both of us are having success and having struggles but we are making it...sure 'nuff.

I am currently less than 100 hours away of being 1/2 way to completing my 3000 hours and that is exciting. 1500+ hours and two tests away from being licensed and having some freedom to decide what I want to do next.

I haven't written in a while and haven't posted much this year so far. I am feeling bad about that because I should be sharing more and so I apologize to the two people who look at this LOL...I will try to do better in the second half of 2008.

Some of the problem for me has been stress. I am soo stressed out and I have not been doing great about releasing the pressure valves to relieve the problem for myself. I know better than this of course and so in recognizing this I am taking this as a step to try to start rectifying the problem.

One of the many things I am stressed about is money. I have been relegated to being a back up in my second job, which means they did not fire me, I am still an employee there for now...but they did take my groups and give them to another facilitator who is full time because the agency is "in financial straights" which basically eliminates me from making money from them...and in effect reducing my income.

The money I made from that 2nd job, for the last 6 months, has all gone into a savings account to be put into an investment...although I have not invested yet because I am unsure as to what to do what with the markets being what they are now...

Is there anyone out there who has a clue about making money and has a realistic suggestion as to what I can invest this money in before it is gone?...from good intentions...of course...but gone all the same.

Right now...we are $1,600 down out of the money that I put away just....cuz....pay bills...pay this...buy that....whatever...but the money is still gone and it is not being replaced. I was able to put back $600 into the account so that the amount rifled wasn't $2,200 but well...you get the point...I want a good chunk of this into a strong investment right away...so the temptation isn't there...to get lazy...

I have spent time reading, studying, & educating myself about finance and the markets, real estate, and basic financial literacy. I have a B.S. in business from a well respected private school. But I am not a financial planner, I do not know any financial planners, and I do not know anyone who is actually wealthy.

My definition of wealthy is when... one has passive income (this is income that comes in from assets and investments that one does NOT work for) that exceeds one's expenses. = Wealthy. I do not care about being rich...having fancy this or that...I mean it would be nice...but that isn't what I really want...I want my time...so if I have assets and investments that pay enough to pay my expenses...I will be a wealthy man...

This is my financial goal for me and my family. I KNOW it is do-able. I'm just not sure where to get started.

Is there anyone who has a clue as to what I am talking about and can help me get started? Please? What do I take a look at or who can I talk to? Any advice...anything that might help...throw a dog a bone...woof!

Anywah....this is where I want to go...got advice? :)

blog blog blog....

2008-04-26T00:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what it is that draws me to be so interested in the study of human nature...but I often attribute it to a study of my self and the people in my life. Ultimately though, I think it is because I relate what I learn to how I feel, what I see, those things I believe, and how I relate who I am in the framework of the world I live in. Me. But...

What are we supposed to be doing in our lives? Each of us has to figure that out for ourselves of course, but for me, I am all over the map and I am truly not sure.

I play, write, record, and create my own music. I also write in literary terms. I blog. I draw pictures and paint. I photograph and paint with light.

I teach. I counsel. I listen. I am a student always.

I problem solve. I am a seeker and I organize. I observe. I lead.

In all these things I have done almost all of them professionally.

With all this said...I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I am good at all this stuff. My passion is in the arts...music primarily...but I truly believe I would be good at other arts I haven't even done much of yet...drama...sculpture...but the point being I feel like this is really who I am. But it is not who I live to be professionally and that is at odds with what I actually live...on the inside.

So how do I resolve this? What do I need to do? I hate living the example for my kids of being someone that is not who I was put here to be...but is that really true? Am I really on the wrong track? Am I really supposed to be doing something else or am I exactly where I should be?

Hell if I know...

I go on photo shoots with my wife and I consciously try to take a lesser role often...because I want her to shine...and she does...because she is good. She is really good. So am I, but I want her to have the glory and praise.

I have pulled out of playing music professionally for the last two years...in part because it hurts me...to fiddle with it like it's some sort of hobby...when it is such a huge part of who I am. It feels like pouring salt into a wound at times...and of course at times it is a blast and I remember why I started it in the first place.

I have several book ideas and I want to be published...in something other than a blog LOL...something that I can actually make money at and have more than 3 or 4 people read LOL...but I really don't pursue this either...same with my art...my drawing...I fold it up and lock it away in me...I hide.

I hate that part of me. I feel like a coward. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I don't deserve it. The therapist in me knows where all that crappy thinking comes from...I know exactly where it comes from in me...although it still doesn't stop me from feeling it...just allows me to know intellectually it isn't true...but emotionally...it is often a different story...and that is a hard admission to make...because it is shaming...self shaming...but it is the truth. I feel how I feel.

So in the larger frame...who am I really? What am I really here to do?

I am here to tell the truth. My truth. Through my words. Through my music. Through my pictures. Through my artwork. Through my life. I am here to tell the truth... as best I can...to anyone that'll listen.

Hmm. I'm not sure that really helped me...but at least it is something. A direction. A place to start...so as not to stay corn-fused.

So I will tell the truth...and do my best to touch people wherever I can in my life...but I will fight to be healthy...and that means to tell the truth.

It's that time again...

2008-03-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

So it has been awhile since I posted last and I thought I might toss another out there. Since it has been a whole 6 weeks or so since getting back from Hawaii this last time, I have talked to two people at work, who in that time either have just gone or are about to go and I am already jealous...I think I'm hooked LOL.

This coming week I face that annual date where certain things just stare you back in the face and I must admit...normally I try...I mean I really do put effort...into trying to be positive...but this week....with this date...it is really hard for me to keep that up and I do have a hard time with it.

I know I know...I should look to the positive...the good things in my life...those things that I really am remarkably grateful for...

and I am grateful...but I guess this is the one time in the year that...well...I just simply have to look at my own personal reality...as an individual....not just as a father/husband/professional/etc. etc.

Outside of my roles and relationships I am an individual and I sometimes struggle with my own reality. I think it was Henry David Thoreau that said, "most men live lives of quiet desperation". I may not have it exact but it is along those lines and I believe I agree with this. This is where the feeling of a loss of control in one's life comes into play and certainly part of that loss is in the aging process and the fact that we are all....and more objectively....I am....approaching an eventual end.

While that does come out a bit morbidly I must admit there is a variety of different levels of desperation and fear attached to this for me. The fear of some illness taking over my body...a sudden accident which will hurt me...or I think the thing I fear the most...the losing of my intellectual capabilities...not being who I am anymore....ack!

We all have these things to look forward at...not to of course but definitely at...and decide how we will proceed. I teach and even preach to people that one needs to think about who they are and who they want to be before one gets into the position of being faced with decisions and change. How you decide and what you act on do actually make up who you are.

Even though I have reached my dawn...and I have moved on...I forever watch the changing of the guard...and I see...how I will forever be losing me.

Piece by piece, mile by mile, I go the course of time, but I stay strong, because I am forever where I belong.

It's funny how creative expression...no matter how old one becomes...still holds strength in the message and a personal truth...which reigns.

Gina & Walt...please pray for them...

2008-02-18T20:13:00.000-08:00

We have gotten back home from Maui (as of last night) and I miss it again already...but that is the least of where my mind is tonight. I have just left a note on my friend Gina's blog for her...because she is not able to do it at this time...thanking everyone for the support and love they have offered in the most terrible of times.

Late...last Tuesday night...the 12th...in Maui...after a great day of fun and sun...G & Walt got the phone call that no one can imagine getting. An accident...two sons...one survived...one in the hospital...critical...Walt was a trooper on the phone and getting information and thank God that Heather was there to comfort Gina...she was a life saver that night. G was devastated...and I can not...I will not...even allow myself...to imagine it. To be in her shoes. But there it was...a reality for G...

I felt helpless...numb...dumbstruck....how could this happen? Damn....OMG....I can't even think about it...we sat up for hours....trying to let it sink in...and trying to be there for Gina & Walt. Surreal....

I am human...I sat wanting this to not be true for G...hoping there was a mistake...and selfishly thinking of my own children...one son whom is approximately the same age...and I get sick to my stomach...I can't wrap my brain around all of it...the...all...of it....and it hit me square in the face...the reality and finality of it all...

Walt & G were on a plane the next day...their trip cut short...a pivot in their lives...nothing will ever be the same again...this is a fundamental shift in a person's reality...forever...and it will someday be all right again...but it ain't ever gonna be OK.

It's weird because I wrote the lyrics for this song...awhile ago...maybe a couple years or more...about this very thing...and this very sentiment...and it just brought it all back. I'd like to share it with you...

It Is Gonna Be All Right ©

Chorus:

It will never be OK…but it is gonna be all right

Yeah It ain’t ever gonna be OK…but it is gonna be all right

1 .And when those moments happen…and all the darkness seems like it’s night
2. And in those momentous moments…and all the blackness shows no light
3. And if those moments happen…where your heart just don’t want to fight

It ain’t ever gonna be OK…but it is/you are gonna be all right

Verse:

In all my days and selfish ways taking for granted the life I own
I looked upon the path I was on and didn’t realize how I’d grown
And in a flash of crimson ash and blackness I’d never known
I got the call that ended it all as I dropped the phone like a stone

I thought I knew what hurt could do until I heard that you had died
I never knew the depth that grew from knowing you’d never be by my side

Verse:

If I’d known I’d be on my own and living life without you
I’m not so sure that I could cure the sinking feeling of despair which grew
But in the light that I’d be right if I learned to live with love anew
I saw the fact that I’d attract the life that God gave me in real truth

I can never be so clever as to pretend that I will be the same
My life has changed and rearranged my portrait in my tear stained frame

Bridge:

But we are the chosen ones who have to take the lead
To tell the luckiest ones if not for those who really have the need
To rise above and live with love that passes through our hearts
And mending all those broken lives by telling where our story starts

Gina & Walt...I wish nothing but the best for you both and my heart goes out to you. May God bless you both for all of your days.

Namaste

Soon now...

2008-02-04T23:21:00.000-08:00

Soon...

Soon we are Hawaii bound...soon...

Soon we are Maui bound....my home away from home...I can wait brah...I can't wait.

I just keep breathing...waiting...wanting...trying to be patient...and having such a hard time...but it will be over soon...the waiting...and I'll be able to breathe...

I'm not sure what it is about Maui...there is something spiritual about the place...something sacred...and I feel free there...except for those moments when I think about having to come back...and so it goes...I keep listening to bruddah IZ...his high sweet tenor booming in my ears from my Ipod while he takes me away to the green wet humid island...and the tradewinds of the Pacific....and the voice of God on that wind...calling me home...it is more than just a vacation...

My job is still going pretty good...still very stressed there because of deadlines and just trying to do my best...still in a huge enormous learning curve...but it is good...I am just learning sooo much.

I miss playing...my musical life is stifled...and I feel strangled by the loss of it...but I am not sure I have the time or energy to do anything big about it at least right now...which makes me feel like I am letting myself down...but I also know I will find the time to jumpstart myself like I always do when anything else takes a lot of my time...and that part of my life suffers...I always come back to it...always...it is in my soul...I can not help it...it is a part of me...a part of who I am...if only....if only....

Dreams are funny things...careful what you wish for...and be careful of what you aim for...because you will most likely hit it...and you may not be too happy with where you end up...especially if you aim too low...I need to follow my own damn advice...

What's left? What is there now? What's next? It seems like...to me...I should be shooting for something bigger now...raising my sights...and then I have this other part of me...who wants to go to Maui...to the west coast...to visit Kihei...and see my old friend...the beloved and sacred isle...to let my heart sing again...

I can't wait to see my daughters enjoying the sand and sea...my wife stand on the beach where we were married again...the green lush tropics...and the sights of humpback whales....the tattoo shop...the sunset over the neigboring isle...and the dream...I can feel it calling already...come on Brah...it's nutting over heeyah...it is truly all....good.

Honestly...

2008-01-27T08:12:00.000-08:00

Ya know, I am pretty sure that where ever one goes in life, the issues and problems one has is taken with them and that as much as it is a possibility to change for us...and we do change...we are still who we are underneath it all.

I say this because no matter how much good I try to do...and no matter how much changing I actually do...there is something out there...always...that is just waiting to rear it's ugly head and try to convince me that somehow or another...I am in some way screwing something up.

But my question is why does it always seem to be about deficiencies? I mean honestly...why is it that it is so easy to focus on the negative in our lives and relationships? It is truly a more unhealthy means of communicating and when we talk to each other in these kinds of ways we end up tearing each other down. So what is the point of it really? Frustration? Envy? Spite? Resentment? A general lack of our own self-esteem? Not being able to be more creative in our approach? What is it?

It is about fulfilling a need of some sort...I do know that much...but what the payoff is I am not sure. I guess it is different for each individual and even each situation. But honestly...it is tiring. I so want to focus on the good in my life. The positive stuff that helps me to keep on going. I mean really...why is that so hard to do?

I want to be honest. With myself and with everyone else. But honestly...I hurt people and scare people when I am totally honest...so...there ends up being some sort of a balance there...a filter. I will be honest...but not tell you everything necessarily...and then we can still be OK with each other. But honestly...that sucks.

I would much rather just tell you like it is...and then hear it back the same way from others...so that I can know what I need to work on...and give you the same...but not be told in some demeaning fashion...that is out of wanting to jab at me...but to help me change...in a way that supports and even facilitates change in me...it seems like people are so concerned with their own stuff...that we forget how we are making others feel when we tell them what we think...so where is the middle ground? Where does it become balanced? How do I balance my needs with those of others?

I guess these are the eternal questions...this is life...it is messy...and real...but it is what it is. Honestly...

A new beginning...

2007-12-30T20:44:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how my life will unfold from this point on...but I am pretty sure at this point in my life that I am on a path that will take me to a place I will be happy about and at least feel good about my choices.

Today is Sunday evening and I finished my third week last Friday at the county as a clinician. I am overwhelmed but my supervisors and peers are telling me that I am doing very well and right on track. Awesome!!! One supervisor told me that she has heard only good comments from everyone about me at this point. I am managing with a few speed bumps but I am surviving so far and I am learning so much. This is truly a gift.

I am starting to see that I just need to settle in to a groove just like I did with being a professional musician...just like being an instructor at a college...just like being a business owner...just like running my own domestic violence and anger management groups...just like being an academic advisor...or a job coach...or several of the other jobs that I have had...it is just a matter of patience and persistence...of perspective...and adaptation.

Christmas has passed and we had a blast. You would have seen some of this and heard about it on Heather's blog by now I'm sure. We had such a good time with each other and with all the kids at Josh and Bree's house. It is so cool to have the chance to give each of them things that you can see in their eyes that they truly appreciate...I...just....love that. Everyone felt good and enjoyed themselves I believe. A few were a little under the weather but aside from that I think it was a great day.

Today was another great day. The boys weren't there for different reasons and Harmony is visiting family out of state...but we had a great time with family members and Sarah today. Again there are lots of things about it all on Heather's blog so I won't be redundant but suffice it to say that I am, as Heather is...so proud of that little girl and I love her so much. She has brought so much joy into the world and I am so grateful to be her dad. What an honor.

I am really really proud of all of my kids and I know that most parents wax on about their kids and all...but I frankly have real reasons to be proud of each and every one of them. They are all awesome people and I am just a blessed man for having been given the opportunity to have these great people in my life. It is an honor and I am humbled by the gift from God.

In my work now...I am spending time with a wide variety of people and some of them are really struggling with issues I would not wish on my worst enemy. I am trying to attempt to help them and I know in a few cases for sure I have been able to already...at least a little bit for now. But I wouldn't want to trade places with them. I do not know how I was so blessed...but boyOHboy am I glad I have been. Even with all the junk that has gone along with it...cause it has not been an easy road...and there are things to face in the future I refuse to look at currently...I still see more blessing than anything...and days and weeks like this just go to reinforce this belief in me.

All this and I have an awesome wife to boot. We have our struggles as everyone does...and there are things that we work on to improve...but we are a team...rough around the edges...but a team...and we are family. I can't think of anything better in the world...anything more important...anything more valuable...and anything more worth...my time and effort. It is my family that makes my world worth living in...and I mean...living in...being engaged in...plugged into...part of...present...in every meaning of the word.

It is this way...because I care. It is this way because WE care....and that....makes all the difference...

This is not new...but there isn't anything more important. I wish and hope for all that read these words...that you may find or have found these things in your own life. I hope for you a life of caring and commitment...a life of new beginnings...and of realizing the importance of home...being in your families...and the work that it takes...to make them healthy and strong...the work never ends...the effort is as alive and breathes as any of the members of the whole...you don't forget...to love each other...love is a verb...an action...and when it is acted upon...it is returned. May God bless you and yours...belated Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year...and a safe and sober one...

The new job...and Heather's birthday!

2007-12-14T22:35:00.000-08:00

Welp...I made it! I have Oh-ficially survived my first week as a clinician in a county mental health office. I have had quite the experience already and my learning curve is just absolutely HUGE! But I am so appreciative for the opportunity and I look forward to the next year with excitement and fear...knowing that I am going to grow exponentially.

I just amazes me that as much as I know...I can clearly see how much I don't know...and when it is put in my face like it was this week it is challenging to keep up. But I am. I feel great because as much as I am unsure about what I want to do with the rest of my life....I do know that I want to get these hours finished and get on with getting my license and life.

I chose to leave the classroom for the moment and I did that very reluctantly. But I knew that if I am ever to get moving with this professional pursuit I need to get my hours finished. Now I will be able to. I already have done five intakes and therefore I now have 5 clients. This is only my first week. Woof. I hit the ground running...and I am still on my feet...on my feet so far...and I will go back to a classroom someday....somewhere...

Today was Heather's birthday. We went out last night and had a good time...went to dinner and we saw Larry the cable guy...and we laughed a lot...and tomorrow we will get together with everyone to celebrate. I am a very blessed person to have her as a wife. She is a blessing in my life. Happy birthday babe...I love you.

Doing well...

2007-12-03T16:30:00.000-08:00

Today...I sat with one of my current bosses and listened to some advice...parting advice...since I am leaving that position roughly at the end of this week.

I say roughly because although my last day in one of his classrooms will be at the end of this week...I have papers...so many papers...to grade for the students...so he is checking in on extending my last pay period by a week so that I can get paid for finishing the work...instead of making him do it LOL...

Anywah...he tells me that in the year and a half that I have worked there...teaching for them...he has never had one student complain about me. Not even one! I was thankful to hear this and really pleased. I mean...I didn't expect a lot of complaints...but heck...not even one?!? WOW! He told me how much he has appreciated me and reflected on his hiring me...saying it was my personality that sold them. He could joke with me and I with them (he and the other deans)....and they felt like I would bring in that way of being into the classroom. He was absolutely right of course. Several times with my first four classes I asked for his advice on different things...and he told me several things that all seemed to boil down to one assertion...just...be...yourself! He was and is...sooo right about that.

As I listened to him today...he tells me that I am gold now...with my graduate degrees and teaching and counseling experience...I can get a management position at a community college or university. Pull in more money and move up. It was really nice to hear and I felt like it was just at the right time for me. The other thing was it was unsolicited. He just opened up to me...about me...and I appreciated it.

He has always treated me well and I have always felt good about that relationship. He gave me a shot...and I ran with it...and it is tough giving it up now. I told him that I was really struggling with the decision because I really don't want to leave it behind. He said well...call me in a couple months and we can reevaluate...he said I am welcome back there any time I please...with open arms. That was really nice to hear...it really did feel good to be valued like that.

So why am I not staying? I keep going back and forth about it. I am starting my new job with the county as a clinician on the 10th. It is a good job and will give me that oh so hard to get and ever present pain in the neck piece of getting licensed...my precious hours...with lots of supervision...AND...I will learn....learn a ton...and quickly...so it is good...really good...but I am still going to moonlight a couple nights a week. As for now it will be doing the domestic violence groups...it is just down the street and it does actually pay a little bit better...and I will look for an online teaching gig...something I can do from my home computer.

But it is hard...giving up the classroom...and as rewarding as doing those groups can be...it is a tough choice. But it is one that I feel I had to make...for money....for experience...for convenience...well...maybe that is really what it is...I will see how it pans out for a while and reevaluate as he suggested. It is just nice to be valued by one's boss. It is a good example for me to follow in the future...when I have employees of my own. I guess for now...I will just appreciate that next week I start a whole new journey...and support Heather in her new journey...which she started today! Go Heather! She's a manager for the city now! It's good to be the King!

The Follow Up...

2007-11-20T22:10:00.000-08:00

So...I need to apologize for this update taking so long....I'm sorry for the wait...

OK...let's see...on the following Wednesday from the last blog I spoke with the same manager in the morning and she offered me the position. Yeah!!! It was contingent on me passing a background check...which I knew I would...

But before I had spoken with that manager...I believe the same morning before I got the offer....I had gotten another call from a different manager and was asked for a third interview...which I said I would be happy to go to. So after I accepted the one position on Wednesday morning...I went to a third interview that afternoon...I told the folks that I was offered the other position but I went through the interview anyway...and I was glad I did...it was interesting and informative...as well as good practice...and about 3/4 of the way through I told them... I had actually accepted the other position because I realized I had forgotten to mention that part initially...but it was a good experience...

Last week...on Wednesday...I spoke with the supervisor I accepted the position with...and I passed the background check...so I am set!....and I'm starting the new gig on the 10th of next month! So now I am working through the transition...trying to make sure it goes smoothly...at least as much as I can...

Ya know...it's weird...there are things I am certainly going to miss...and some things are really going to change around here...Heather starts her new job on the 3rd...and I start mine one week later...so December will be a real month of change for us...big changes...but all for a lot of good stuff...and even though there will be things I will miss...I am looking forward to learning new things and growing...becoming more than who and what I am now...and that growth will create new opportunities for us. All good stuff.

As for the other parts of life...we got to spend this last weekend in Carmel/Monterey...do a photo shoot that we both felt very good about and had fun with...got to enjoy each others company as well as time with our daughters...got to go to the aquarium...and even got to drop in on some friends for a good visit...

I wonder...what will the next year bring? I hope it will be filled with happiness and love...learning and growth...peace...sunsets...serenity...and prayer...

As the story unfolds...

2007-11-01T22:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday...I was told late in the day...after business hours...that I received a phone call from one of the other managers from my first interview from last week...asking to talk to me. I thought since I had interviewed a second time with another department...well....really....that it was kind of somehow decided that this manager who called me for the second interview was the only manager I had met from that first interview that was interested in me. Then I get this call from the other manager....

I was not able to call her back until today...and mid day at that...once I had taught my classes, picked up Sarah, picked up Heather...and the lot of us traveled to the Dr. office for Sarah because of an ear issue...I called and left a message and after maybe 20 minutes...if that...she calls back.

I was hoping it might even be an offer...nope...no such luck...she just called to ask if I was still interested in her department and if she could call my references......well...of course you may...by all means...please do....she tells me that she plans on having her decision by the middle of next week....sure! says me....thinking all the while about the first manager who told me this last Monday at the second interview...that she would try to get back to me by the end of this week...which leaves just tomorrow at this point...or to call her if I have not heard from her by Monday...

So...now...this leaves me with a weekend that will be fraught with wondering if it will go either way...which way...and do I have a choice in picking where I may "want" to go?...of course I know that situation may not even present itself...but apparently...I am in the running for both...which at least feels good...or will it come down to timing...hmm....I did tell the manager that I spoke with today...that I had done the other interview on Monday...and that manager had already called some of my references....so she asked if that would be my preference....to work with that population...and I said...well...no not really...I am open to anything right now...and I could go to either population...I am still very interested...and she says great! and then makes the comment about when she will reach her decision...oiy vay...nothing like being in limbo LOL...ahh vell...good stuff is coming...may God lead me as to what He wants for me...His will....I just wonder if I will get a call tomorrow...what to do if I do...man I can over complicate things easily...LOL...

It's hard though...in other ways...as I am teaching my classes...and running my groups...comments are being made to me...about me staying and being there for my clients and students...that I can't leave them....and it makes it a bit hard because I know that within the next month things might change...for me...and for them.

I have a training on Monday and Tuesday...for one of my jobs...which means I can not be at the other job and I have someone covering for me...and in telling people over the last two days...they were making sure it was just for that single day for them....and reassuring themselves and each other...that it is really only for one day...so it is OK....it is hard to hear those comments...knowing that in another 3-4 weeks that might change drastically....and they of course are not aware of anything right now...because I am still in the dark...and I don't know what will happen...I am just hopeful...

and so it is...and so it goes...

Life is funny...ya know?....things get crazy and I wonder what is right and what would I really want and prefer....and what will it be like...and what is right for me...which way will be better and how do you decide....or will things just fall into place and move in the direction that they should...so why put so much energy into worrying about it...because I can't do anything about it...not yet...and why worry about something that hasn't even happened yet...that seems so anti-productive...what a waste of my time, energy, and focus...when I could be focusing on something I am passionate about and need to be "in" within my life....it's better to focus in something that really matters...things that are truly important to me...regardless of how this thing goes for a job...live in my moment instead of the future...and what the future will bring...to live in my now...and focus my attention on that...right here....right now....

and on that note right there...I think I will...

Interviews...round two...

2007-10-31T00:04:00.000-07:00

OK...so yesterday...Monday...I had my second interview with these folks and this time it was with one of the managers I had met before...plus two other folks. Apparently there are 11 different jobs open that they are hiring for and I am hoping to get blessed with one of them. We shall see...I am hopeful...

The 11 positions...are for several different departments...but all the same category basically...so the differences consist of working within different populations...but they are all clinician positions...so any one of them would mean I would start counting my face to face hours again...which means I will be working towards getting closer to my license....which will be awesome...and a huge deal for me.

I felt like the interview went well...we sat around and basically had a conversation for about an hour and fifteen minutes...and again....as I wrote in a previous blog...I just concentrated on being myself...and staying in the moment...so that I could do my best to shine...to the best of my ability...and I walked away feeling like I was able to do that...so once again...I feel like I did my part...I did what I could do....I did my best....and now it is what it is...and I just have to wait and see. This is hard to do...because I want to know...but I have to be patient...and trust that whatever happens will be for the best.

The funny thing is though...that getting this job would be a big deal for me...no matter which population that I worked with...because I would be back on the road towards achieving my goal...and I would be learning more in the field...and I would be getting better at one of the things I do...and I would be earning more money...and I would feel more secure again...which would help in certain areas around home...it would be a big deal for me...and it would be a big deal for Heather...and it would be a big deal for us.

Everything has two sides to it and so there will be frustrations and hard parts to it as well...I know that....and that can be a bit scary...but there would be some big pros as changes if this happens...especially since Heather has gotten a new job for the city...and will start that in early December...which again will be a big deal for us in many ways...

She will have a job that she is going to absolutely love...doing things that she has dreamt of...and it will actually be a management position for her...so that is a really big deal...because that opens up so many possibilities....as well as more money...and better insurance...which is not only better...but also cheaper...it's all good...all good...

So now...we will see what happens...and hope for the best...

Even after everything happens it will be hard for me to change the life I have built in the last year and a half...it will be a change but as I have written in recent blogs...I need a change and this would be great experience...so we shall see...

Long live our lives of balance and change...whose ideas wander and courage ponders the greatest wonder of our lively luxurious lustfully passionate lives...and may our minds render the heart's surrender of loving our clinging relief to our safest security when at once and for all time we find that we were never...ever...who we feared we would become...by being who we truly...and completely are. I am.....me.

I need to figure out what I want to get tattooed on my next trip to Maui...life is too short...and we need to make the most of it while we are here. I have some ideas...and I am jonesing to get more ink...I ab...so....lute....ly....can...not...wait.

I love Maui...

2007-10-25T22:56:00.001-07:00

I love Maui....

The west coast of Maui to be specific...

This is me on a beach right across the street from our timeshare there. It was early morning...everyone we were there with on this trip last November ('06) went over to the beach with us at 8:30 AM. This is how our day started...

Hallo....

I am not even sure what it is about Maui that made me fall in love with the island...but I would if I could.....own a place there and be there at least three months out of the year....at least...

This was the view that same morning from our room before everyone else was up...awesome sunrise...and view of a construction site LOL...no worries...it was still absolutely beautiful...

Banyon trees are absolutely awesome...and huge...and not found anywhere else to my knowledge...

Everytime we go...we have been there three times in the last three years....and each time...it is getting harder to come back home...and I hear that from every person that travels there...they don't want to come home...some of the people that we have met there....welp...they never did...they just found jobs in the paper and they just never came back to the mainland...it is truly paradise...I would want to travel back and forth regularly just to avoid island fever....but man....what a life...and when I am there...it "feels" like home...and when I do come back...I am just trying to figure out how to get back...

Interviewitas...

2007-10-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

So the interview has come and went...

and I am still here...

I started freaking myself out about it for awhile...and then somewhere along the line I remembered...breath....breath dummy....just....breath....the night before...I was full of anxiety...the next morning....when I went to work and taught my class...that was the only peace I got...because I could get my mind off of the situation....and then I finally went....and they made me wait there...I was fifteen minutes early...so they made me wait there....for another ten or fifteen minutes...beyond the fifteen minutes I had arrived there early...so I sit there for close to if not a half hour...devouring a package of Breath Savor mints...and trying to remember everything I know...and then it hit me...well...I'd say about ten minutes into the half hour...hey....I need to just be in this moment...

Not in the moments to come...but in this moment..."mindfulness"....stay in this moment right here....right now....not in the future....not anywhere in the past....but in this moment...and just....breath....

Ya know....it's silly...but this is such a huge lesson...get out of your head...and just be.....be in the moment...because that is really all we have anyway...just right now...so BE present...fully...and things will work themselves out......and they did.

I was nervous until I remembered all this...and then I looked up and out a window...I could just barely see the top of a tree...and I just stayed there...in that place and in that moment....and I breathed....letting the panicky feeling wash over me and out of me...and I said to myself...ya know...self....I am just gonna be....me.....I am just gonna be who I am....and I managed to stay in that place....that frame of mind...until they came out and met me and invited me in to the interview room.

From there I felt in control of myself...I answered their questions....asked my own...listened and paid attention...made them laugh a few times...and walked out of there feeling like I did a good job at representing myself.

We will see how they felt LOLOL...but I felt good...and so...der it be mon....it is wat it is...and I be dah bettah fer it mon...eder way it goes...cuz I did me best...an I feel guuud ah bout it mon....nuff said...

If I am fortunate enough to get it.....one of the 11 positions they are hiring for...it is almost a guarantee that I will get the rest of my hours towards my license pretty quickly...which will be a good thing...a good thing indeed.

Thank you for your support...I do appreciate it! ;)

New Risk...

2007-10-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

So...tomorrow...I have a job interview...which could be good if things go well...it is a risk...and it will be an adventure...wish me luck...and say a prayer for me if you are so inclined...I definitely appreciate it.

Thanks...and we will see what happens!

Bang bang...

2007-10-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

OK.....so....um...I go to work Tuesday afternoon/night right? Everything is normal and moving along like any other Tuesday night. Questions are asked and answered...role is taken...check ins are done and things are moving along. I run three groups back to back and each are two hours.

We are in the second of the night and in comes a familiar face...I have seen him only once before. He was very somber the first time...acts as if he is not interested and just not really a part of the process. I have seen this before...more than once or twice. Apathy...anger for being there...the you ain't gonna control me attitude...the you're just another one of "them" vibe...but at the end of this second group...this night...after sitting through two thirds of the night as stated above...his face changed. He grinned from ear to ear and his face lit up...he was animated and alive...and quite different. I got a check in he says. He has met a girl.

He carries on about this for some time and I do my usual thing...listen and look for areas he might not be conscious of or thinking about...areas where he might be able to improve on how he is treating this relationship, his partner, and himself...so that I can advise him and teach....so that I can find a way to help....in other words do my job...

I let the class go at the end of the two hours and I have another group coming in...about 7:00 in the evening...and as they are passing each other in the parking lot...this individual heads to his car...the following is told to me from members of both groups...because I remained in the group room.

Apparently...as he approached his car which is parked on the street right next to the parking lot where all the other group members are parked...he approaches his car on the passenger side. No one else is with him or in the car. Suddenly a black truck whips around the nearest corner...drives straight up to his car and opens fire. This is located directly in front of a house which houses young kids...adult teens mostly...who are pregnant or having other life issues and troubles...two of which are standing on the porch of the house as this happens. Of course everyone ducks and runs for cover.

I still do not know at this time what happened to my group member. I went out and inspected the scene about an hour later when my current group was on break. There was a lot of broken glass and shell casings covering the ground right next to the car. The shooters could not have been more than approximately five or six feet from the vehicle when they opened fire. There was no blood and no bodies thank God. Not like the last shooting...the one by my house. My group guy must have gotten away...but of course that is my assumption based on the evidence I viewed at the scene.

There was a line of bullet holes approximately three to four feet wide and maybe eight to ten inches high along the middle of the drivers side door. One bullet hole through the center of the drivers window. Approximately thirteen bullet holes and shots fired in all. I took a flashlight and peered in without touching anything from the passengers side window which was intact. The bullets clearly went all the way through the drivers side door of the vehicle. If anyone had been actually in the car...they would have been killed...no doubt about it in my mind.

This was no warning. They were trying to murder this man.

As I said...on the groups break...I was out there an hour after the shooting for about ten minutes. The police had not yet arrived. There were approximately eight to ten neighbors standing around in the street looking at the car and surrounding scene...two of them...two women were on their cell phones with 911. They reported to the group that they were both being told that the police would not come out until the owner of the vehicle called in. I told my group that we needed to finish and so we went back in and finished our last hour.

As I left for home...one hour later...after inspecting the scene...and two hours after the shooting had happened...I walked out and found one police car parked next to the shot up vehicle. I approached the police car and gave the police officer the information I knew...and he requested...with one exception...I just let him know I wasn't positive about the constraints of confidentiality in regards to the group members which "might" have been witnesses to the crime. I gave him contact information for myself and the agency and he told me that detectives would be in touch. Somewhere in the middle of all that I had called Heather to let her know I would be late coming back from work and that I was OK.

So...anywah...once again...twice within the past three months...I am left with the feeling of being ultimately disrespected and overwhelmed because other people...my suspicion is young males...possibly even young adult males....who do not understand what actual self-respect is...and how to define themselves as men...and instead think....as thugs...that respect and being a man has something to do with violence. We are in a need to call to arms...the lack of real "men" in our society...men who will take care of their business....not by endangering other people and children...but will be there to parent and raise their children...because a "man" can not be a "father" from a jail cell or from a casket.

For those fathers out there...who might be reading this...please...please....be there to raise your children...and do a good job at doing that...because the consequences that we all pay...when your child does something like this violent act...simply because they did not have a "real man" around while growing up...is the worst sin a father can commit...and the heaviest burden a man can carry...knowing that your child is living this kind of life...

Sorry to be so heavy handed...maybe I am really feeling it right now...because it is all so fresh...no maybe about it...I am fairly stressed out by being exposed to two shootings in three months...but I am working through it...I just wish....wish...it would stop...before anyone else gets hurt...or worse...God forbid...

And now for something completely different...

2007-09-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

I do love Monty Python...

I just reread my last blog...amazingly indulgent...I must say...but I still feel good about it weeks later...so I think I am on the right path. Yeah G...I want it all too.

You know...sometimes I get lost in my own life...in myself...and that isn't such a good thing...although I do believe it isn't such a bad thing to have happen occasionally...but I for one certainly don't want to live there. I have been going about my life for the last few weeks...I haven't written...blogged...progressed much at all from that last blog...just living...experiencing...trying to move forward...and I feel like I have made a step or two in the right direction...things that I feel good about...but I do still feel the same...in a word...stuck.

I don't mean to sound negative because really...I'm not. But...I'm not really...truely...on a positive front either...I am kinda just stuck in a place...and feeling it. Deeply at this point.

I need to move on professionally from where I am at and I think that has me feeling a great void because I know I am not growing in my current placement. I am troubled by that...but I think I am troubled even more by my reluctance to move on...I am just staying there...why? I think because it is safe and comfortable...I have fallen into a groove and I have learned it...but I am not growing there...and not feeling like those there care about me or my needs...because I am meeting their purpose...even though I am not meeting my own...and that feels terribly stifling and lonely.

The hard part of that is I am in the caring profession so when those employing me don't...well...that is hard to accept...I keep hoping that things are different than they are...but it is just time passing...without the situation changing for me...so...I think I really need to move on...and even writing it is hard for me. Change can be hard...oh but change is sooo good...and I do learn from it and enjoy the new challenges...and I always do my best to make the best of it...I always learn tremendously...so why does it scare me so much? I guess it's because I have to let go of my safety and security...those things I find comfortable...and become uncomfortable for awhile.

But heck...why should I look at that as such a bad thing?...well I guess I don't exactly...just a scary thing...and scary can be bad...so maybe I was right in the first place...but I digress LOL...what's so great about being comfortable? What's so great about being safe and secure? There is a big part of that which I am adverse to in some ways because I like taking risks...I enjoy the edge...so why do I get so locked into this safety security thing...WOW that's weird to me...I feel like I am two different people...one holding on for dear life and the other pushing away from the edge to see what it will bring...I'm not sure how to reconcile these two halves of myself. To get my balance here...I need to have a bit of both I guess...

Balance...ahh balance...Do you ever find yourself asking these same questions? Am I alone here?

I have actually been writing about this for months...quite a bit of my blogs talk about the same things...just different angles...but the same subject...why is it so hard to take that leap of faith?

Change is a constant...something we can actually depend on...safety and security is an illusion...we are sitting atop a spinning rock hurling through space around a huge ball of gas which has ignited and sends us deadly radiation as well as warmth...with a thin layer of gas in our atmosphere that protects us from harm...all the while oblivious because some pop star drank too much the night before she performs at an awards show and the flying nun gets bleeped by another awards show..and finally....finally...OJ might actually go to jail for awhile. ManOman....What am I worried about?!? LOL.

Maybe....just maybe...it is my gut telling me to let it go...do what I need to do to be healthy and to go for it...instead of trying to hold on to my stupid illusion of the idea of being safe and secure. Maybe it is even God telling me in my gut....whispering....let go stupid!....OK....He probably wouldn't say stupid....LOL...but He might think it :)

I think I am being stupid...just get on with it already...get another job...build a business...get on with it and quit complaining...whine whine whine...have a little cheddar with that whine? Good grief....I think it's pretty bad when you make yourself sick LOLOL...

What do I want? I want...

2007-08-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile I feel the need to voice an opinion or shout something out...and this is a healthy thing I think...to do in my life. I am glad to have this blog to share what is happening with me...with the world...even if not many folks ever see it...or even with a flood of people...it doesn't really matter...it is my world and I get to express myself here.

I have been reading a good amount this summer and spring because it is the first time in several years I have not been in school. I have gotten to read all kinds of stuff that I wanted to read...and I have been loving it. I just finished a short book that has been around for awhile...The Alchemist...which was very good and had me thinking...and I just picked up...The Secret...which I have started...and it also has me thinking...some of the things the two books talk about dovetail...which is really nice because it reinforces what I am learning in my life.

I am not sure how I will implement this new information yet...I am still soaking it in...but I know it will change me. I have decided that it will.

My own opinion is that I will find...a path if you will...that will allow me to focus my energy and concentrate my intention...so that I will move in the direction that I choose...but as of yet...that is my biggest obstacle. What is my choice? What do I want?

What...do...I...want?

Hmm...I want a variety of things...and I want certain things more than others...not necessarily in this order...

I want to be healthy. Both in my body and in my mind. In my heart as well as my spirit. I want to live a long time...and have a rich quality of life. But I know that my heart and my spirit will be healthy if I get my mind straight. I want to be a good model and mentor to my children. All my children...all four. I want to be loved...and cared about. I want to be important to someone...I think I am so maybe I already have what I want there...but it is always nice to be appreciated. On that note...I want to be better at appreciating others...to making them feel as if I love them...because this is very important. I also want to become a better communicator.

I...want...time. I want the time I have in this life. I do not want to give away my time...in a wasteful and meaningless manner. I want my time to mean something. I want my effort to mean something. I want my time. I love being able to help other people...and I love being able to teach other people...and I want to continue doing those things...but I want my time.

I want to travel. I absolutely adore the West coast of Maui. I am in love with the place. I want to see more of the world though...go back to Europe...to Spain where I have family and to Rome...and to Paris...I would love to travel for two years...and just soak up the world...I would love to see a few different places in the Middle East and Africa and Asia...to go Down Under...there is soooo much to see and experience...

I want to play and write more music...to record another CD...I have so much still in me to do...I want to become better at drawing portraits...and painting. I want to better my photographic skills and start doing meaningful work with it...something that makes me feel.

I want to learn. I LOVE to learn. I will never know enough. I will search to learn something in this life until I am not in this life any more. That is why I love to read. That is why I love stories so much. I want to learn. I want to learn to better myself. I want to learn how to be a better husband and father. I want to learn how to be a better communicator. I want to learn how to counsel and to teach better than I do now. I want to learn to make more money. I want to learn to spend less money. I want to learn what it feels like to work because I WANT to and not because I HAVE to. I want to learn Spanish. I want to learn two different martial arts. I want to learn how to fly. I want to learn how to play a particular piece of Mozart's music on the piano...although I am not sure what it is called...I just know it when I hear it...it is a more famous piece.

I want to write professionally. I want to be published. I want to be read by other people. I want my opinion to matter to someone other than myself. I want to write different kinds of material as well. Fiction, functional self-help, educational and inspirational work, and maybe even a children's book or two.

I also want a doctorate. I want either a Ph. D. or an Ed. D. or a J. D. I have not yet decided but I am planning on going after at least one of those three.

I want to be a person that has not allowed fear to rule their life...I want to be fearless. I want to be a risk taker. I want to truly live my life and savor it. I want to be...who God intended me to be...and I know in my gut...that is someone who is fearless and without barrier...but also humble and caring...I want to be that person...

I want to watch my wife laugh...out loud. I love to see that. She makes me feel good when she is feeling good. I want to see Sarah Bear grow up and become the most awesome woman I know she will be...just like her big Sissy...Harmony. I want to....someday...not saying any day soon...but someday LOL...be a grandpa...I think I will be really good at it...and I want to see Heather be a grandma....someday LOL...

I want to see all of my children be taken care of and safe...and they are not. Not yet anyway. Health care is a major issue in this country and especially in this state that I love...California. We are in danger and our leaders...both state and federal are dropping the ball on this issue. It is bad enough if a person is healthy and risks having an accident...but if you live with someone who is in chronic pain...or has a chronic illness...well...the health care industry and our political structure are just plain letting us down...I should not have to worry so much about having patients with Cystic Fibrosis having medical coverage and seeing the Dr they choose. I want to be able to provide for my children...even my grown children...because my government refuses.

I want to live by the coast. I want to get out of this valley...my allergies are getting worse and I am positive it is because of what blows through here. I love the ocean.

I want more tattoos. I want a lot more tattoos. I want to cover my back with a sunrise and I want two full sleeves. I want both my legs done from "at least" the knee down to my feet...but probably more...I want the money to get more without hurting my family. I want to get a tattoo for my father. He was a great man and I love him and I miss him. I want to commemorate him on my body. I want to get another piece done with all my children's names in it and I want something that will represent all of my family. I already have eagle feathers that represents my four children. I want more and I do not mind the pain. I don't exactly enjoy it...but it feels like I am earning that artwork that I will wear forever on my body...it becomes a part of me that I take with me where ever I go. I find peace in that. A certain comfort that I understand not everyone understands. But that is OK.

I want to own and run my own businesses. Yeah...that's right...it's plural LOL. It is how I think I can finally provide for my family since my society won't (I only mean health care here...not money). I want to build....something. I want to help people and build and strengthen communities. I want to help feed and educate people. I am not sure what to start with and so I sit here writing about all the things I want...but have nothing to show for it. The only thing I know for sure that I want to own...is real estate...and lots of it. That will in itself be a separate company someday...but I need something that will provide a vehicle...a machine...for cashflow. That is where it will start...and that is what I want to find. I want to find my cash machine. Ultimately...this will provide more than just health care for my family...this...will give me my time...which is to say...my freedom...I want my freedom...I want to be free.

This...believe it or not...is the short list...of what I want in my life. I have loads of stuff to be thankful for...so don't misunderstand...I am a blessed man in many ways and on many levels...and I know this. But....that does not stop me from growing...from reaching for more...becoming more...wanting more...as it should be...so...it is...

Welp...you've read mine...What is it that you want? What do you want?

4 Things...

2007-08-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

In answer to G's tag...

4 things you may not know about me:

1. I want to be a writer and would love to be published someday.

2. I want to become involved in Martial Arts.

3. I have always wanted to become an actor in the movies. I think that being an actor doing movies would be an awesome way to make a living and a very creative process. I have actually been in one movie which has aired on TNT several times. It is called Karate Cop and I am briefly in two scenes in the beginning of the movie...don't blink or you'll miss me LOL...but my name is in the credits.

4. I wish there were healthy avenues that men could gather in groups, create close friendships, and grow emotionally without feeling like they are somehow not being true to their own nature…and I include myself in this group.

4 Jobs I have had:

1. Musician (My passion and the heart of my art…I wish I could make a living at performing, writing, and recording)

2. Counselor (This is where I got “Doc” when I was 12…what can I say…I am really good at listening and telling other people what they need to do)

3. Teacher (Couldn't get away from it…I fought it for a long time…runs in the family)

4. Sales (hated parts of it…but I was good at it…glad to have the experience)

4 Movies I could watch over and over:

The Sandlot (This is not my childhood…and yet it is my childhood…all at the same time…it has and reminds me of all the stuff I loved and miss about being a kid)

Sleepless In Seattle/City Slickers (First…I love romantic comedies…and second I love to laugh…but choosing between these two I couldn't do…City Slickers was the first movie I went and saw in a theater alone…just after my first marriage failed…and it hit home for me…and made me laugh)

Shawshank Redemption, (Have to agree with G on this one…excellent movie)

Unforgiven (This is in some ways to me…the ultimate Western…and my favorite)

4 TV Shows I watch:

Miami Ink (Chris Garver just absolutely rocks...the guy is a true artist and I would love to have some work done by him)

L.A. Ink (Kat is an amazing artist and I would love to get inked by her someday)

Heroes (Who doesn't want to have a superhero power?!)

Numbers (I love art mixed with intelligence, logic, rationality, set in a good drama…good work)

4 Hobbies:

Photography (Would love to make more money at it…have to say the same about music as well)

Drawing/painting (It still amazes me that I can start with nothing literally and coax, prod, embellish, and pull something out of clear space with a pencil, pen, piece of charcoal, or paint)

Writing (I would love to be published someday…I absolutely LOVE to read…I love stories)

Traveling (If I could I would spend 6 months a year traveling to different places and visiting different family and friends)

4 Places I have lived:

Stockton, CA (My whole life)

In my mind:
Maui (West coast)
Carmel, CA
Italy…somewhere close to but not IN Rome…

4 Favorite Foods:

Home made tacos (love them so much I lost 75 lbs with them 10 years ago)
Pizza (Many kinds)
BBQ (I love stuff right off the grill…especially meat…beef in particular)
Mexican (I could eat this stuff every day…spicy…with guacamole)

4 Places I would rather be:

On the beach in Maui
On the beach in Carmel/Monterey
On the beach in Cabo
On the beach in San Diego (Seeing a theme here? :)

4 Websites I visit daily:

My 2 Blogs
The Sarah Bear
Yahoo News
Weight Watchers (when I am being good)

The Portal...

2007-08-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

I love to read....I love stories. I mean I really love to invest myself in the search and discovery of a story...finding something...somewhere in it....a morsel...a tidbit...a little treasure...something I can learn and grow from...something that I can feel....something that I can attach to...at least for a little while...and loose myself in thought and let my imagination run as free and energetic as the wind with a message attached to it's meaning and meandering in a journey towards an uncertain end.

Reading to me...is a window...a portal...to anothers perspective...anothers world. I can imagine without the boundary of sight and sound... I can see with my mind and capture the words from the page as they grace my vision and gloss the edge of my own perception with just a hint of meaning and understanding. Just when I am not looking and open to whatever will come...the author will throw a curve...an unexpected but completely welcome avenue towards a whole new perspective and as I travel with the author's voice in my mind...sitting at the feet of the great story and imagined path...I find myself living a different life...a different perspective...with different meanings and thoughts that are not totally and wholly my own. In these instances and moments I find myself thoroughly lost and engulfed...overwhelmingly underneath the rim of my reality and succumbed to my creative self...a self that defies my normal and rational logic and manages to actually ask the question.....WHAT IF?!?

What if the world didn't work the way I know it does? What if the future was actually somewhere and something that was not ordinary and unexplained? What if I could be anything I desired and it could come true? What if my hope was meant for a purpose? What if my purpose was bigger than I am? What if the whole and sum of my experience was actually enough to be complete in and of itself? What if I could actually see the cycles and patterns of anything I desired to see and see into the future? What if the sky were orange and the sunset blue? What if gravity was not actually based on the scientific law that physics tells us it is based on? What if I could travel back or forward in time? What if I could make myself invisible...and then visible...at will? What if I had unlimited wealth, fame, and fortunes beyond my imagination? What if I...was not myself but something...or someone else?

I just finished the latest and last Harry Potter book and then right on the heels of that I just finished "The Road" and I am in the middle of about five other different books right now.

It makes me want to write. What if I could write? What if someone actually liked what I wrote...and had to say? What if it was my imagination that took you on a journey...a path into the unknown...to laugh and giggle...to contemplate and to suffer...to see through my minds eye...what could be?

What if?

Interesting thought....

I just wanted to say...

2007-07-24T00:10:00.000-07:00

Some days are created just so that we remember that we are NOT the most important person in the world...and that in the best of times we can hope for being treated with some dignity and respect but not in any amount that will go to our heads because it is false. In the times that are not the best we must make due with the simple understanding that we are not always the person that is most important...and it is OK for life to be so sometimes. But either way...remembering the things which are more important to one's growth and forward motion...most often return to the idea that it is people...and relationships in one's life...that are most important.

Today was a good day...and yet there were things in my day that had me in pain...wincing and limping...hoping for some part of balance to visit my furrowed busy mind with a break from the stress and pressure that I put myself under. But all in all...this was a really good day.

I got to go to a movie with my daughter...just her and I...the big daughter....something we do not get or take might be a better way of putting it...the time to do often...and I had a good time...we laughed and talked...shared each others company...and in the end I am glad and even honored for even the possibility to spend that time together alone with her...much needed and not often enough taken...and I will say...thank you Harmony...for being such a great person...and you are fun...and funny...and while I am at it...thank you Heather...for watching short stuff for us so that we could get this chance to enjoy each other's company for an evening. I had a blast! Thank you ;)

Sarah is two!!!

2007-07-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

I am continually amazed at the way time invades my sense of security and safety and yet, I am always rewarded by how much the work I have put in previously in my life comes back in ways I haven't even expected...and that is to say there is a legacy and I have at least done some things right.

Sarah turned two yesterday...and all my children were there. I was proud of Sarah...and I was very proud of her brothers and sister...and her two sisters Bree and Alicia. They were all there and celebrated Sarah with their time...their effort...presents...but most of all their love and attention. Seeing them all love her and be so open about their appreciation of her...well...it just made my heart swell.

I can't believe my little girl is two. I am so proud of that little girl...she is awesome!

Sarah...I love you...and Jake...Josh...Harmony...I love you guys all very much...thank you for being who you are...and being so open to share that with Sarah...you guys all do my heart good...I am very proud of you guys.

These are my girls...The Sarah Bear...and her Sissy Harmony above...and her Mommy below.

Heather...our baby girl is getting big...and I am proud not only of her...but of you as well. You are a wonderful mother to her and step-mom to Jake, Josh, and Harmony...and all of their significant others...Bree...Alicia...and Brian...and I want to thank you for who you are with them...you are important to them all and you do a wonderful job of respecting them and loving them and giving them all a great example and I am proud of you for that...thank you...I love you babe.

Ahh Fridays...

2007-07-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

Ahh...Friday...the end of the work week...the beginning of the weekend...it even sounds nice doesn't it? Friday...hmm...it just feels like a breath of fresh air....TGIF....the day of division...separating the time of profession and transitioning into the time with the family...to ourselves...fun, sun, sleep, bleep, anything we want in an over the top relaxation or time to get some work done in an area in our lives that we would prefer to work in...gardening...building a deck...cleaning of the weeks worth of living in a home filled with busy lives...cleaning the swimming pool...tree trimming...lawn maintenance...computer work...playing music...taking pictures...drawing/painting pictures...watching movies...listening to music...reading a great book...doing yoga...BBQ's...family time...playing/watching sports...camping...short term travel...day dreaming...and on and on.

Ahh...Friday...the beginning of the freedom that we work so hard to get...the entrance to our lives apart from making money...the gateway to our life...the soft place to land in the week...the date for dates and mate for mates...the feel good, dreamy, take a deep breath day of sunsets and new beginnings. I think it is the day to celebrate because it is the day where work and play are simultaneous...we get to dress down...feel good...get relief from a harried and stress filled week and the time when we can turn our weary eyes from the world's woes to our own lives and finally...gratefully...thankfully...leave all that "stuff" at the doorstep and...breathe!

Back to it...

2007-07-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

Ya know the more I do in my life and the older I get...the more I seem to gain more knowledge and feel dumber all at the same time. I have lots of degrees...2 Masters of Arts, 1 Bachelors of Science, 4 Associates of Arts...Certificates in Technical Drafting and Real Estate...lots of education...the only thing I don't have yet...and I say yet because I plan on going forward to earn at least one in my lifetime...is a Doctoral degree...and yet I feel like I am getting further behind...not ahead...

At this point in my life I thought I would be feeling better about where I am in my life...my "lot" in life...and yet I am unsatisfied in so many areas...feeling like I need to hurry up because time is against me...feeling like I know myself so well...and yet I still can't help doing some things that still bother me...and not doing things that I know I need to in order to feel better...to feel good...to feel like I have forward motion...but maybe this is the way in life...some things are great...and some things...not so much...

I have a wonderful family....awesome kids...awesome wife...awesome marriage...I have never been happier in so many ways...and we are all doing better...Heather got out of that situation that she felt so stuck in at work...even though they did wrong her and I am still wondering if it is actionable...Sarah is just so awesome I can't stand it...I really love that little girl...she is so bright...and loving...so cute...and her future is so bright...I am excited for her because I know she will be great...no matter where she goes or what she does...she isn't even two yet...but I can see it in her...she is so awesome...and Sarah's brothers and sister are all doing really well too...I am so blessed as a father...I am such a blessed man...

I have my mind...I have my health for the most part...I have an awesome marriage...I am talented in at least a couple of areas and I am doing pretty good in the things that I do as far as jobs...my clients and my students seem to appreciate me...and the job I do for them...what am I missing?

Maybe...a little of this...

I took these shots a couple of weeks ago...actually the day of the shooting...These guys are attached to kites...and it looked like so much fun...cold....but fun...just North of Santa Cruz...

Maybe what I need is more time in my life...maybe more money so I can have that time....maybe the freedom that comes with it.....or maybe the control...feeling like I am in control of my own life...

Maybe I need to do something else...because I am screaming inside...Let me out! Let me out! I don't want to be a prisoner in my own life...set up by my own hand...How cool would it be to suddenly just break out of an old life and into a new one...oh before you get worried I'm not talking about my marriage or responsibilities as a father and husband...as I already have said...I love that part of my life...but man...we only go around once...and I am supposed to be having more fun...being more authentic...being more...welp...ME!

So...hmm...how do I do that?

Maybe....

I need to get back to it...OK...so I have been out of a band for a year now...maybe it is time...anybody out there looking for a guitarist?

Update ~ 911

2007-06-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

OK so...this week while running my groups I talked about what happened last weekend with my guys in a few of the groups and I did this for a couple of reasons...one being therapeutic and one being a bit curious...even a bit selfish...

Therapeutically I used the events of last weekend to talk about violence in general and in the decisions that we as individuals make in specific and how they affect us, our children, our relationships, our families, our communities, and ultimately our society. The fact that each and every decision that one makes affects many others lives...and we have a choice as to what kind of force we will be in the world...someone known for and respected as a positive force and influence...or one known for and feared as a negative force and influence. We also talked about what those affects can be and the level of or lack of respect and self-respect that are connected with those affects. In other words...how one affects other people around one and how that reflects back on to the individual.

The curious...and a bit selfish reason was...I was curious and interested if any of my guys might have heard anything about the incident. Now I will say I never asked....I never directly asked anyone or any group...if they knew anything...I simply told my story and was trying to use it to illustrate a point...but three different times...in three different groups...individuals spoke up without being questioned...as to not only hearing about the incident....but knowing the young man that was shot...and all three gave me a report as to who he was (no names thank God) and what they had heard...about his condition. All three men were in different groups and so each told me what they told me independently and freely...but all three told me the same exact thing.

The young man shot on our street last week did in fact NOT die...thank God and praise the Lord for him and his family...however...he was paralyzed from the waist down. Also two of the individuals reported to me that this young Hispanic man is a gang-banger who has been shot before. They last time he was shot was apparently some time within the last year to two years and he was actually shot in the head...from the back...and had lost an eye...apparently where the bullet had exited. Left eye I believe...and all three individuals tell me that the young man is, "kinda crazy" in his behavior.

What a waste. What an absolute waste of life. A waste of time, effort, and energy. An absolute reason to change. What a story. What disrespect. What a waste.

I'm still too angry to look at what I might be able to take from this with a disconnected objective view. I am still too shattered in my view of my safe and secure world...my safe and secure home...to be separated from all the emotions that came with this...and I feel OK with that. I think I am right where I should be considering the gravity of the events. I liked my wife's recent blog...it is very close to home for me because she and I feel approximately the same way...definitely in the same ballpark.

I have to say that this whole event has changed me...as it should. But...I will not loose my positive energy in the world...I will not succumb to fear and the folly of racing imagination...looking over my shoulder to see when it might happen again. I have always been cautious...and I will remain how I have always been...but I will not give in to the risk of constant fear. We live in a dangerous world and in a dangerous time...and yet as true as that is...I live a life of peace...in the search for serenity...and balance...and no one...will push me off my path because of their selfish and self-serving ways. I will rebuild my world but I am determined that it will be better...somehow...someway...I will find the way to make things better...I mean really...what choice have I got? I have to make things better...at least to try to...that is the right thing to do...and that is who I am...and who I choose to be...in the world...and in me.

911...what is your emergency?

2007-06-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

OK...so...last night...we ended up with a brand spankin new bullet hole in our car...and blood on our street from a shooting.

Heather, Sarah, & I went for a long drive and had a great time...went to the beach and drove along the coast...took a few pictures and a little bit of video of Sarah on the beach freezing...watched wind surfers and people surfing with these really cool kites strapped to their bodies...it was fun...and we all had a great time and a great day.

We pull up into town at 1:00 AM (later than we would have wanted but still having a good time w/Sarah asleep) having traveled from Santa Cruz to Santa Rosa...and as we pulled up to our street we noticed a large party going on at a corner house close to our own. There were spinning colored lights and tons of people (at LEAST 50) inside and outside with cars going half way down the block...but I didn't hear any real noise so we went home gathered the Sarah Bear and our things from the car and went on inside.

Being very tired we all went straight to bed. About 2:30AM we awoke to the sound of rapid fire gunshots going on very (read...way too...maybe 50 feet) close to our house. Yelling, chaos, car lights shining, and the gunfire woke all of us up including the baby. I recognized it as gunfire right away...about 15 shots in rapid fire succession and then people shouting. I ran out of bed for the phone and immediately called 911 to report as Heather scooped up the baby and headed for Harmony's room towards the back of our house. As I wrapped up the call I told Heather and the girls to get on the floor and the gunfire started all over again...this time approximately 10 - 12 shots and more yelling, chaos, and people running. I watched people dashing into backyards and trying to get away. I heard a woman screaming. I saw at least two people limping trying to get away. I called 911 again. I reported...they took the info...and then they put me on hold...waiting...waiting...I watched through the window as one car drove away...and another drove up...pulled into a driveway directly from my house and dropped neighbors off across the street...they ran huddling into their doorway...trying to get into the house as quick as possible. Whomever dropped them off left as quickly as they could. Maybe three minutes after I heard a siren. The law enforcement folks caused more people to try to scatter and I watched someone run up the driveway of my next door neighbors and Heather heard him climbing fences. We found a chair out of place in our back yard the next day (out by our back fence)...obviously the persons route through our yard and into someone elses.

Then another cop shows...and a third...then an ambulance and a fire truck...the chaos has changed into chaos with officials in charge now...I put a shirt and shoes on...turned on a light in my house and my porch light...and grab my keys and wallet and head out to talk to the cops...since I called them. I gave information to one and watched paramedics working on someone laying in the middle of the street...right across the street from my next door neighbors house. Glass covering the ground next to him beneath the car whose window had been shot out, blue and red lights dancing off of glass and metal, men working furiously to prepare the victim for the ride to the hospital. Surreal. Disturbing. What a waste. What the hell?!? I asked the cop if he would live and he said, "oh he'll be alright...don't worry about it"...and I knew...it was his way of saying...nothing to see here...on your way now as he walked away from me...

I heard from a neighbor the next morning the man didn't live...although I have no idea how accurate that information is...no news in the paper yet...

We live in a middle class neighborhood...usually quiet...neighbors are polite and friendly...average by all standards...older homes...decent value to the neighborhood...we do not live in "the hood"...I've spent a fair amount of time in "the hood" when I was a teenager...and this...is not "the hood"...but last night...and bullet holes in my car and my next door neighbors car this morning....the hood came to my block...

I grew up two doors down from where I currently live...my mom and brother still reside in that home...we bought two doors away...and in all my years in this area apart from the 7 years I lived elsewhere...this is the only time I have ever seen this kind of violence on my street...at my home...with my children asleep in my home. My brother called from two doors away when it all went down and said that he had called the cops around 12:30AM because there were 30 - 40 people gathered in front of his house...half a block away from the party...yelling and making noise...drinking...being...well...what people are when they are partying...and young...in the middle of a wild Saturday night...

I am pissed off...because of the carelessness of it...because of the disregard for others...and the babies here...ours is not the only child within a two to three house area here...because of the disrespect...the absolute unequivocal disrespect...and lack of self-respect of the people involved...but mostly...at this point...I am most pissed off about the absolute feeling of helplessness. I am not helpless...far from it....but when someone gets shot...almost right in front of my own house...in the middle of the night...I feel helpless. Especially when the police were called 2 hours before the shooting...and told of the behaviors and crowd gathered...at that time of night...and the cops never came to see...never showed up...had they shown up...that young man might not have gotten shot...might still be alive.

Helpless...sick...disrespected...that's how I feel...

I know it happens every day...as a therapist/counselor I run 8 court ordered domestic violence groups per week at a local agency here in this town. I deal with my guys coming to group having this type of thing happen in their lives all the time because many of them do live in "the hood". I am fully aware of the pain and burden that those folks are living with...and I am sick about it when they come in talking about the funerals, shootings, wakes, drive-bys, parties, and senseless violence that they endure every day.

But it really doesn't matter where one lives does it? The level of disrespect in this country is amazing to me...it is as high up as the White House and as low down as the streets and I am consistently amazed at the lack of integrity and self-respect of the people in our "advanced" society.

The truth is...that we are OK with it...not all of us are...because some of us are trying to "DO" something about it...I know I am...but many of us are complacent...and because of NIMBY (not in my back yard) we accept that the disrespect shown to people is acceptable because it isn't affecting us.

It is time...it is time to take a stand and have personal integrity...self-respect...and deal with these problems at the level that they exist...in our homes. As parents...and as neighbors...let these young people know...it ain't gonna happen on my watch...not on my watch...

Because somewhere...somehow...someday...we are all accountable...both for the things we have done...and for the things we have not done...

So I say...not on my watch...it ain't gonna go down like that on my watch...not if there is anything I CAN DO about it...not on my watch.

Somehow...someway...someday...

2007-06-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had just "one of those experiences" where your life is passing by and you are in it but you are seeing it pass by as if you are watching someone else's life go by? Almost as if it were a movie you are just observing and that you are somehow separated and distanced in the experience. A separation that although an illusion...feels in the moment as if it is surreal. Some sort of a deja vu... a dream like state that is almost as if you have experienced it before...but you know this is the moment that you are in...and not another.

Sometimes...I feel as if my life has been lived before...as if I am not original in my being...that somehow...my soul is old...and that the energy that is me...the image that I possess to the outside world...is actually a review...or a recreation...of something that was once bold and new...fresh as the morning springtime dew on the light filled mint green leaf of an apple tree not positioned in an orchard but next to a small quiet stream running gently towards a bend in a sun drenched ravine with billowy cotton balls stuffed into a floating corner of an aqua sky...

Maybe I am a new soul...with new energy and I am a new creation...or....maybe I am an old soul.....rekindled and reborn...because I am not sure if it is real or imagined...if I am somehow someway so creative that I can conjure up knowledge, emotions, and wisdom that is beyond what I was sure of myself being capable of...because in some vague way I have the ability to see things as they are...and pull that knowledge at will...not all the time of course...but this happens to me in my life...I just see what is going on...the path...and I do not have access to the mechanism that creates this wellspring...there seems to be this faucet I am somehow someway always in fear of being suddenly turned off...and I am denied access to what I have always known as me...or my ability...which is a large part of who I am...and it...just.......goes........away....

Maybe I am an old soul...some...how....some...way...some...thing...inside of me...sees...there is a sense...of the prior...and therefore shines a light on the path...shows me what is going on...shows me where things are headed...and yet...I don't really know...am I illuminating a path...or just my own ego...hmm maybe somehow....someway...someday...I'll learn or know...

As time goes by...

2007-06-11T16:18:00.000-07:00

One thing I am feeling today is honored. I had someone talk about a recent change in their life and told me that it was through information that came from me that this change took shape...which was very gratifying. I was not a party to it...but my comments were. That was nice.

I sat through an interview today and it was kind of an amazing experience because it was in front of a panel of 9 people and I was nervous however I was mindful throughout the experience and felt as if I actually did my best in that moment. Maybe I could have done better in another moment however I think I did well and that made me feel positive.

I keep thinking that I will find a way to move forward to the place I wish for or want to be...and then wondering if that place actually exists at all. I keep thinking it does...and then I keep questioning myself...

I thank God for the time I have had in this life...because in many ways I am continually surprised by how much I don't know and how much I don't understand. I am always learning...and always growing...even in bad times...especially in bad times would be more appropriate...since we learn our greatest lessons from our pain. Ahh but how many times I have wished for such knowledge and wisdom without the struggle...and I always come back to the same answer...full circle...it is because of the struggle that my life stays interesting...the challenge...is the journey.

It reminds me of watching a clock...how the hands go around and around...in a circle...covering the same ground...again and again...only to repeat the same chime...the same song...the same lesson...and yet...it is always new...as time goes by...

But seriously folks....

2007-05-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

One thing after another....one foot in front of the other....living in a virtual treadmill...stress is as stress does...looking forward without looking back...just to keep myself on track...just like it aught to be...a blend of substance and insanity....

When did it happen that I brought myself to a place where the simple mention of...or a statement about...oh....just fill in the blank here....was enough to raise my blood pressure...send a signal to my brain that I should jump to an emotional response which is wholly inappropriate for the moment or situation...we call it "emotional reactivity" in the profession...and indulge and allow myself to reduce my behavior to....well....I guess one could say...being human....humph....

I really try to live my life and treat others in such a way that I can respect and feel good about...and I constantly find myself doing things that I didn't mean to go the way that they eventually end up...and I find myself repetitively having to diplomatically fix messes I have made...not major stuff usually...although we all have our moments...it is really annoying...and seriously consistent...which begs the question of me...will I ever get this stuff right?

OK...it is Oh-ficial!....I am a human being after all...in all my consistently honest fumbling bumbling and mind-numbingly self-admitted dim-witted well meaning slip ups...I still try to make things better...and sometimes I actually accomplish it...but through it all...I am who I am...consistantly...I am OK with it all...I work on bettering those things I can...and drive myself crazy occasionally...only to come back in balance...and find that even though I sometimes tank myself...I am valuable...I am worth something...I am lovable...I am likable...and I am loved.

And so it is...and so it goes...

Blahg, blahg, blahg...

2007-05-23T11:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that the things I am discovering about myself aren't really new but somehow recycled ideas and views from earlier in my life and somehow regenerated into something I think is new...but really isn't. I think I am looking for something...searching for an idea or plan that will be a vehicle to get me where I "want to go"...yet...the idea of where that is....keeps changing...rearranging...evolving...expanding...and sometimes I feel like it is hard to keep up with myself.

Sometimes...I feel like I am chasing my own tail...and sometimes...I feel focused and in control...funny thing is...it is all an illusion...and none of it is really true except for in a moment...which is relieving...and frustrating LOL...all at the same time...

I guess I need to get back to my guitar...where things make sense...and I am connected to the greater universe...a place where my voice can be heard...even when there is no one around...and I can channel whatever creative energy is floating in my general vicinity at the moment...and play...as the wise Frank Zappa once said...."shut up and play yer guitar"! :)

I think I will...

Hindsight...

2007-05-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

Last week I had a day of counseling that was great...and hard...but in the end...made me feel as if I made some kind of a difference in at least a couple of lives. I watched a person cry...and watched them literally feel the pain that they are in deep in their bones...over the apparent end of a marriage...this is someone who would traditionally never be one to express their emotions in this manner...and yet...here they were feeling...openly and deeply...

The thing about someone being able to express themselves in this manner...is that they release things...physically and emotionally...that can allow them to reach a point where forward motion is possible. It is through the pain that we are in that we find and learn our greatest lessons...and in doing so teach each other and remind ourselves of what we are really trying to do in this life.

I walked away from the experience feeling...first of all...which is a good thing...and secondly feeling hopeful that with some encouragement and some small guidance there will be...hopefully...some future forward motion for others because of my being there and hopefully...maybe...my words. I will not and can not take credit for their motion...but I will take credit for my being there and sharing the experience with them...and sharing some tools and guidance with them. But the progress they make is theirs and theirs alone to take credit for...and I like that...because they can own it...and it is right that they do...and it is right for me to celebrate their achievement with them.

Teacher learns twice...

2007-05-16T23:34:00.000-07:00

Today I got to honor someone for doing the right thing in a moment where they did not feel like doing the right thing...because they were emotionally hurting...and someone else had said something that triggered them....but they got up and did what they knew was right. They showed someone respect even when they themself felt disrespected. So...I honored this person publicly for it. Afterwards...I honored them again...privately for it...so that I could make sure they had gotten the message...and it did them good...I could see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice.

It made me think about what I do...and the way that I do it. I travel down my path often thinking that what I do...the way that I do it...is not really that consequential...that although I do matter in the big picture...I sometimes am not making the impact I wish I could. Then I come upon a moment where I do something instinctively...because I feel I should in a moment...and then I step back and see the impact on someone else.

Maybe the impact will be lasting...maybe it is fleeting...I don't know...I may never know...but I know I made a difference in someones life tonight...and maybe several someones...and from that...I take away an impact with me...on me....it has impacted me and in my life. The impact that helping others has on me is something that I can not measure. I have tried to find a way to measure it...but have not found it yet. I just know...that when I tell someone else a truth...it comes back to me...teacher learns twice...and thank God for it...because I have sooo much to learn...there is soo much I don't know...we are all teachers...we are all counselors...we are all healers...we are all students...and I find myself hungry to learn...and be....more...

What it is...

2007-05-15T22:36:00.000-07:00

I have this blog as a way to move through self discovery and personal growth...a way of seeking to know me in a deeper way...with a possibility of finding a thing or two out about the journey. I am wondering about moving through a couple of major changes in my life and I think this is a good way to track and work out how the process will go.

Everything has a process and this blog is a record and relation to the process that is me. I guess it is a way for me to figure out and search myself in an honest but also public way so that I can keep myself accountable.

I can't say that the honesty will be brutal or that I will disclose every thought or feeling...I would not be respecting my self or family if I was that brutal or open...I have seen what happens to those that do not respect themselves in this way and I will at all times try to keep my self respect intact. However I will be as honest as I can allow myself to be and I will be who I actually am...throughout. Hopefully in this commitment I will find a way to my deeper self through self disclosure. This is the hope...this is the process...this is the experiment....this is me.