And The Beat Goes On...

So what can I say...this is becoming a bad habit...not blogging for like a year LOL. So where are we currently? Welp...

Sarah is finishing 1st grade and will turn 7 this next July still at the same charter school and doing very very well. She is quite smart and one of if not THE best reader in her class. She did some martial arts earlier this year as well but we couldn't afford to keep that going at this time..she did earn her orange belt...however it is my intention to have her do more of that just for her own safety's sake.

Elijah is now 19 months and walking, running, climbing on furniture and earning the name Mr. Grabby Hands! He is absolutely a cutie and reminds me and everyone who was around long enough to know...of his older brother Josh when Josh was the same age...Josh is now 28 years.

Heather did not lose her job and is still there albeit with having to accept some cuts to maintain the position...but she has been a monumental help in getting me playing and gigging again...it would not be happening for me without her help...she has done our pictures, some videos, got us booked at several places, linked us to several people that have gotten us booked at different places, done our flyers, made our logos, designed and ordered our T-shirts for 2 of the 3 bands, yelled, cheered, and screamed loudly for us at many a gig...and last but certainly not least has been a champion with watching and taking care of my kids while I rehearse, gig, and in general take care of music and band business. Thank you babe...for your support and for everything!

I passed my first test on the second try...YES!!!...and took the second test only to fail that one by 6 questions...DOH!...so now I am waiting until I can take it again and hopefully...prayerfully...I will pass on the second chance as I did with the first...crossing fingers and toes...that one will be soon...

I am now playing in 3 bands...and have done a lot of gigs in the last year and a half. I am so grateful for how much music is in my life and even in the variety...I am truly blessed between family and music...some money would be nice...to reduce stress by paying bills and debts owed LOL...but otherwise I am very blessed with the things that are most important.

And so the beat goes on...

To catch up...

So it's been another big gap in time since my last blog and there has been a ton of things that have happened since the last one. I became a father again on September 20th to Meester Elijah Shane Mateo Mompean born healthy and is now 4 months and doing quite well.

Our Sarah Bear started kindergarten at a charter school as a brand spankin new 5 yr old! Seeing her in school and learning and doing well is just awesome.

I was able to meet, perform, and play with my favorite guitar player of all time, Phil Keaggy, in a benefit for my son Joshua along side Tommy McClendon who was a teacher to me 25 years ago, also one of the best guitar players I have ever known, and one of the nicest guys I know. That night meant a lot to me on so many levels and continues to bring my heart joy every time I think about it. Along side my other good friends shell, Tracy, Taylor, Troy, and the guys in Random Status. It was a night I will never forget. My son also did very well and I was very proud of him.

As if that night wasn't enough, the next day I spent the day with Phil Keaggy and his road manager Darrin, also a very nice guy, chauffeuring them around Monterey area to Roseville North of Sacramento. I not only got to jam with and perform with Phil but I got to know him for a day and he was gracious, humble, down to Earth, and everything I have always thought he would be. I was blessed beyond measure because I had that night, then the next day, then three days later my son was born.

Now I am playing with two bands, my brother got me in to see the NAMM show a few weeks ago and he got me a gig recording some of my own music that I have written that will be in a movie called Living By The Gun, and we got to take the kids to Disneyland while we were in LA. I am also preparing to take the test again for my license.

All in all it has been very busy but it has been good and we are very blessed.

God is good.

2010 is rolling on...

I just read my last blog back...and it makes me swoon and become very tired LOL. Wow...life has just lost it's mind in 2010. Since that last blog...

Josh has a second surgery and he reports to us his Dr.s basically force him to have if by threatening to not treat him after he is released from the hospital. Yikes! The surgery is to remove the left Pleural Sack which surrounds the left lung. The reason is because he will not stop draining form the transplant. Draining like a liter a day...he had the surgery...and he kept draining. Damn.

We went to Hawaii for two whole weeks! Ahh....fun and sun in one of my favorite places on Earth...while Josh remains in the hospital and we still can't see him because after Heather got sick for round two....I got sick for round two. We couldn't be there for the surgery...still couldn't see Josh...I'm pissed. We relaxed...missed people...enjoyed each other...and did...basically...nothing...for a change. I got a new tattoo which is colorful, bright, and done by the same guy I got one from the last time I got ink in Kihei. But as nice as it was...the stress just wouldn't completely go away for me.

I have a birthday, we go and get back from Hawaii, Heather and I have an anniversary, and Josh has a third surgery...this time to remove the right pleural sack. Finally...he stopped draining...thank God!...it's about time. Still couldn't go to see him...I could bite nails in half....but he is finally healing...and he gets out. Harmony has a birthday...and I make an appointment to take my first test for my marriage and family therapy license.

Suddenly I am not feeling well...and I find a funny looking spot on my left shoulder...I go to an urgent care...I am starting to break out across my shoulder...and then it spreads to my back, neck, head, and face...I go to my work and asked them what do you want me to do? They say go to your Dr and get a note....OK. Everybody tells me I have shingles....GREAT!...and they don't know what the rest of the rash is...so here is a antibacterial...and an antibiotic...manOman...

Heather goes in for the amnio and sonogram and I go with her. Scary...but got her done...found out we are having...a boy!!! WooHoo!!!...a week or two later we find out that he is healthy and doing well...no bad stuff...Yeah!!!

Sarah says goodbye to the only daycare/preschool that she has ever known. Sarah has attended Delta College's Child Development Center since she was 3 months old. She also ended her time being watched at her friend Bella's house...and said goodbye to her beloved teachers.

On a good note we finally....FINALLY....get to see Josh and Bree! We go to them and visit at their apartment while we are picking up Jacob to bring him home after helping them out for a while...again. Yeah!

Heather meets Dr. #2....strike 2. Dang it.

I take my test...nervous...anxious...feeling unprepared even though I have been studying like crazy...and...I....fail....argh!!! I get through most of the test but do not get to the last 2 questions...I miss it by 7 questions total. Dang it! But God has a plan.

One of my oldest and best friends...writes me on Facebook and says...we are putting together a benefit concert for Josh....WooHoo!!!...and we want you to play....all right!...and headlining is your favorite guitarist Phil Keaggy....um....woah!....no way!...are you kidding me?!?!?....and there's one more thing...you get to play a jam with him at the end of the show...OK....now you're just messing with me LOL...I knew it....you had me going until that last part....play with Phil Keaggy LOLOL...yeah...right....No...Really....It will be in a 1,600 seat theater in Monterey...I sent him the recording of the song you wrote for Josh...no you didn't...He likes it...huh?....did you just say that Phil Keaggy has heard my music?....my playing?....AND he likes it??? um...I don't know what to say....Welp he is contributing to the cause as well...made a donation...WHAT?!?....woah...um...I just frankly don't know what to say...thanks?...Thanks! Woah....

Heather meets Dr. #3....finally someone that she can do this with! Yeah!!!

We go to Pismo for the 4th...have a great day...and a great visit with friends...except for a bottle rocket which came within inches of clipping Heather and Sarah while on the beach during fireworks...YIKES...

Next up...Sarah's birthday party...tomorrow...and Monday after next she starts kindergarten...gig is in September....the 16th....the Thursday right before the start of the Monterey Jazz Festival...woof! LOL...

To catch ya up...

Wow...what can I say...life is rolling hard and fast and it is a bumpy ride...I am just trying to hang on. Since my last post...Josh came out of ICU and his CO2 levels came down which helped his severe headaches...and eventually OKed being put on the list for transplant...turned 26 yrs old...and then got back out of the hospital. We started doing fundraising for Josh...

We went to a Magnet schools fair for Sarah for kindergarten...hopefully she will get in...crossing our fingers...

Then we found out Heather...my wife...is pregnant! Number 5 for me and 2 for her. Sarah our 4 year old will have a little sister or brother...due in September. Wow! Two sonograms later and we can see a sack...but no baby inside....welp...it is still early...we just can't see it yet says the Doc and the sonogram nurse...ManOman! Yikes...what is going on here? Finally...the 3rd sonogram...there they are (they meaning 1 baby....but not an "it")...the little peanut...and a flashing little heartbeat...this is real!

Then...the call came. Exactly 1 month after Josh's birthday he is on the table having his double lung transplant. He gets through the surgery...including having the surgeon stitch a whole in his heart closed....in his words....since he was in the neighborhood LOL...only took about 15 minutes he says....WOW!

Two days later my eldest son turned 28...but we were all too distracted...(for good reason)...to celebrate Jacob...we still need to do this...he was a major trooper in helping Joshua and Breanna (Josh's wife) post-op. Same day I also find out that I have had my hours accepted by the Board of Behavioral Sciences...so I am ready to start the testing faze...

The day after Josh's surgery...Sarah starts a little cough. Holy crap! She is sick and she can't be around him...and we can't avoid being around her...so we can't be around him either! Damn! She has a cold...she is sick for a week and as she is getting better...Heather gets sick. AAHHH!...double damn! As Heather starts getting better after a week...I get sick! AAAAHHHHHH!!! Aww Comeon!! This is killing me...

We call and find out Sarah didn't get into the Magnet schools we were hoping for...bummer....what are we gonna do for her because she starts kindergarten this summer...

We get a letter in the mail....Heather's OBGYN...the same we just saw with the little flashing heartbeat...talking about when he plans on taking the baby...the same Doc that delivered Sarah...Dr. E's last day at this practice is the 5th...the end of that week. What?!?

Find out Sarah did get into a charter school...we have to research it...this is after already getting her set up to attend the local public school...not the greatest of choices but at least she will be in somewhere.

I am at work and I hear a voice over the intercom describing a car that sounds just like mine and they say, "go to your car immediately"! I know this is bad...nothing good comes from these words LOL...sure enough...the passenger window is smashed...glass everywhere...I cut myself and get glass slivers trying to clean the glass out of the car...and almost $200 out of pocket to replace it...have a bad experience with making the police report...that sucked...the people stole our registration and insurance information...

Next up...Heather starts getting sick....again....as I am getting better...shaking head...MAN!

Josh...is still in Stanford....still draining from the surgery...still there...in a lot of pain...and having his pain meds reduced...and now...they want to do a second surgery on him...to remove the sack one of his lungs is in and scrape the inside of his chest to make the lung attach to the chest wall....so he will stop the drain. You have GOT to be kidding!?!?! Hasn't this kid been through enough?

Just to catch anyone up who might be interested LOL...I am tired. Next up? More medical adventures and fund raising...the hockey game with the Stockton Thunder...

And tomorrow...Heather goes to see the new Dr...the one we don't know...alone...because I can't go...this is the first time she has had to go to a Dr. appointment in 2 pregnancies where I will not be there....argh!

Babe...I love you...crazy life...never boring...whew....welp...breathe....there we are :)

First 2010 post...

So...a new year is upon us and here we are in 2010. I still feel the same way I did in my last post although I will say I have finished my 3000 hours for my license and gathered my paperwork, paid my money, and await the decision of the BBS (Board of Behavioral Sciences). What are they deciding? They are deciding whether or not I have completed everything needed in order to move forward and get on to the testing faze of this pursuit. If they write back and say yeaup!...you have done everything you need to do to test...then I will set up my first of two tests that I must pass to earn my license.

That is exciting stuff and I am relieved to be here at this point. I am hopeful that I will be allowed to pass and go forward to test. I know that something like this isn't everything in the world...but it sure would mean a lot to me. So here's to crossing fingers and toes...crossing my eyes as I look at my nose...and hopefully...get to move on to the next stage.

I still feel the same way as I did in the last post...maybe even more so...but I have not moved forward musically. I did see another orthopedist and he wanted to give me the same shot in the same hand...or do surgery. Hmm....scary...

I spent half of yesterday sitting in the ICU of Stanford because my son Joshua is in there. He is very ill and they are really putting pressure on him to make a decision about having a double lung transplant. His numbers are not good and he could use prayer and lots of it. Thank you if you have already been putting in time as one of his prayer warriors.

I will go back up to see him tomorrow...I hate...absolutely hate...watching what is going on with him...it makes me sick and feels like I am powerless to help...I know that's not completely true...attitude is everything...but it is very very...very hard to watch your child suffer and deteriorate...and not be able to fix his needs...even financially...because if he does have the transplant...he and his wife will need to live within 20 minutes of the hospital and not leave because of the possibilities of and logistics of getting to the hospital once there is a donor...which brings up the fact that he is waiting on someone else to die in order for him to live...I don't know how to feel about that...I know it is a natural process and we can't do anything about his deterioration on some level...but it is still a harsh reality.

There is a wide range of things that trouble me...my daughter who also has CF...and how is she feelings watching her big brother go through this and relating to it...and wondering about her future...and her health...my four year old daughter Sarah and how she will deal with this process as it progresses. My oldest son Jake who keeps his emotions buried so that he doesn't really have to deal with how he really feels about his brother and his sister and what is going on with each of them...my wife Heather and how all this affects her, knowing that it takes a huge toll...and my own feelings which are jumbled and strong...over the top and often sudden and out of nowhere. And all of this is the short and in my face list...not mentioning my job, our financial mess, my license pursuit, my feelings about my music, my stress, other family, friends, and on trying to find it's place in my attention and I am struggling with it all. So what now?


So here we are.

Where do I go from here?

I wish I knew where I fell off the path in my life...took a left turn that was subtle...not a pivot at the time...just a step...and then another....and then another. Where I am now I sometimes don't recognize. How the heck did I get here? I'm not sure where I put things down and picked other things up...wandering in my own dark forest...looking...searching...for something...for balance...for self...for freedom...

I am chasing a license to practice as a marriage and family therapist and in order to do that I have to complete 3,000 hours as an intern. As of today...I have only 50 hours left to go. I am so close I can taste it...and yet...even as I close in on my goal...I feel like I am fulfilling only part of who I am or what I offer. I have more to give...and utilize...more to offer...more to explore...

What do I expect of myself? Why do I yearn for so much more...am I being realistic?

I've spent sooo much of my life playing guitar...playing music...and currently I am hiding from it...but every time I pick up a guitar...today...this afternoon...night before last...and I listen...my words...my notes...my music...my life...I am there...and I speak...

What the hell did I let go of? I am pissed off about it...hurt by it...twisted by it...and it is of my own doing.

Now...my hands hurt...and putting my hands on her...my old friend...my other wife or mistress...the one whom I share all my intimacies with...all my emotions bared...and who doesn't judge me...but partners with me to bring God's work forth...His gift....to me...through my hands...through the wood...and the steel...to my ears...and others hearts...to the world...this is THE only place...where my hands don't hurt as much.

Last May...a doctor...an orthopedist...diagnosed me with carpel tunnel...and I have it in both hands...gave me a shot in my left palm....that hurt like hell...and then he sent me to a neurologist...who tested me...who confirmed...yeup...carpel tunnel...you got it...both hands...right hand is worse...but it is my left that has more pain...a trigger finger with my middle finger...and I am certain that it has to do with using the old, outdated, computer systems and non-ergonomic desks at my workplace...because that is where I have the most pain...not at home...not playing the guitar...actually playing is the one place...the only place...that actually relieves my pain...both physically and emotionally...spiritually...using whatever level of gift God has given me...

I am not saying that I am the most talented or gifted...but there is something there...something that is beyond little old me...something more...because I feel it...feel Him...when I play.

I am a father...I am a teacher...I am a mentor...I am a therapist and counselor...I am a business owner...I am an artist...I am a photographer...I am a writer....I am a philosopher...I am a student...I am more than all these things...but all that said and done...I am a guitarist...I am a musician...I am called to it...it speaks to me...it calls me...and frankly...I am not heeding the call...and I feel the lessened for it...I feel the tear in my heart and soul...it pulls at my spirit...and I know...I know...

There was a point in my life where playing music was hard for me because I felt like a failure. I beat myself up over it all the time and everytime I played it was a reminder...I never stopped playing...I kept my chops up...but I became emotionally cut off...so I switched my emotional release to art...and drawing...I worked for 3 years to develop that skill...and this was where I was able to take that...

But....

Whatever else I am....whatever else I can do...at heart...I am a guitarist...and I am a musician...even if it isn't how I make my living today...this is who I am...but almost no one knows it...only those that are closest to me...and only those that are truly closest to me...have heard MY music...know my voice from those strings...and I question why haven't I believed my contribution is worth it? Why am I not enough?

I hear songs on the radio that sound like things I have already written...listen to guitar solos that sound as if I could have played them...even before they have been put out...I was playing similar pieces...that was part of how I knew I was headed in the right direction musically...

I may not be the greatest...but I am no worse than those that the world listens to...those that are out there...those that everyone...including myself...admire...and yet...here I am...an unknown...unimportant...unnoticed...I will not be remembered...not for my music...which is such a HUGE part of who I am...and not even my family will remember...will know...there is something fundamentally wrong with that...I think...

Maybe I can't make the world stand up and listen...maybe I will never have the attention and validation I crave publicly...but my kids should know me...they should know who their father could have been...

My daughter in law...Breanna...said to me a year ago or less...and this is someone I have known now for 10 years at least..."I never got to see you play...I mean with a band...I know you play rock and roll and blues...but I have never seen it...I've never heard it"...she is my son's wife...and she has never even seen what I can do...who I am...she hears me play my acoustic guitars...but has no clue as to what I am capable of musically...for goodness sakes...for someone that has invested most of their life's desire in the pursuit of musical recognition...and to have nothing to show for it...there is something really....really...wrong with that...and it makes me look at something I hate to see in myself...I quit. I gave up. I let the dream drift over me...like a warm summer's breeze...to quote a song I like LOL...and I sit here tonight missing it...and regretting...

So where do I go from here? Pursue another career...I am doing that...concentrate on becoming a better dad and husband...I am doing that too...search for balance in my life....I am working on that front as well. But those things just aren't healing my heart. I miss who I was trying to be...who I aspired to be...and I know...I let myself down...I let my dream drift away from me...and I am poorer for it. The bigger question is though...

Where do I go from here?

I was jez thinking...

Anytime I stop long enough to think about it...I see my life and environment as supportive...but also volatile...and while I know that in times where things are going well...I think it is fitting that my thoughts and focus remain on those things positive in my life...I also know that when there come those times where things are not going the best they can be...in those moments...I tend to try to stay focused on those things that are healthy. I am not nearly as concerned about right or wrong....good or bad...as much as I am concerned about healthy...

In my life...especially in my work...I see a lot of unhealthy...but I am there to try to help people help themselves so it makes sense to me that I work at keeping my focus on my own balance and trying to stay healthy...and in the spirit of this sentiment...I write tonight...though yawning and dead tired...I guess I am looking to reach out and get myself out here...it's been awhile.

Seems to be a theme for me...a good deal of time goes by and then I write again...hmm...wonder if that is healthy or not LOL...

Lately I have been killer busy...racking up a lot of countable hours at work...as of today I have less than 130 hours left of the 3,000 to go in this chase for my license...and it feels great....but I am tired and this work is hard. There are so many folks having hard times...it really is hard to believe how tough things are. But that's what keeps me in business I guess.

I am worried about my kids...all four of them...for different reasons of course...but they weigh on my mind...it's hard not to worry about them...but it actually helps me to relate to the parents I counsel...and keeps me humble...so it is OK that I think about them all the time and worry about them...pray for them...that's what we dads do...

I guess that is the foundation of it all really isn't it? As stressed out as I sometimes get...and we all do...I love my bubbies...from 27 to 4 they are all my heart and I love them always...

I love you guys...with all my heart.