What do I want? I want...

Every once in awhile I feel the need to voice an opinion or shout something out...and this is a healthy thing I think...to do in my life. I am glad to have this blog to share what is happening with me...with the world...even if not many folks ever see it...or even with a flood of people...it doesn't really matter...it is my world and I get to express myself here.

I have been reading a good amount this summer and spring because it is the first time in several years I have not been in school. I have gotten to read all kinds of stuff that I wanted to read...and I have been loving it. I just finished a short book that has been around for awhile...The Alchemist...which was very good and had me thinking...and I just picked up...The Secret...which I have started...and it also has me thinking...some of the things the two books talk about dovetail...which is really nice because it reinforces what I am learning in my life.

I am not sure how I will implement this new information yet...I am still soaking it in...but I know it will change me. I have decided that it will.

My own opinion is that I will find...a path if you will...that will allow me to focus my energy and concentrate my intention...so that I will move in the direction that I choose...but as of yet...that is my biggest obstacle. What is my choice? What do I want?

What...do...I...want?

Hmm...I want a variety of things...and I want certain things more than others...not necessarily in this order...

I want to be healthy. Both in my body and in my mind. In my heart as well as my spirit. I want to live a long time...and have a rich quality of life. But I know that my heart and my spirit will be healthy if I get my mind straight. I want to be a good model and mentor to my children. All my children...all four. I want to be loved...and cared about. I want to be important to someone...I think I am so maybe I already have what I want there...but it is always nice to be appreciated. On that note...I want to be better at appreciating others...to making them feel as if I love them...because this is very important. I also want to become a better communicator.

I...want...time. I want the time I have in this life. I do not want to give away my time...in a wasteful and meaningless manner. I want my time to mean something. I want my effort to mean something. I want my time. I love being able to help other people...and I love being able to teach other people...and I want to continue doing those things...but I want my time.

I want to travel. I absolutely adore the West coast of Maui. I am in love with the place. I want to see more of the world though...go back to Europe...to Spain where I have family and to Rome...and to Paris...I would love to travel for two years...and just soak up the world...I would love to see a few different places in the Middle East and Africa and Asia...to go Down Under...there is soooo much to see and experience...

I want to play and write more music...to record another CD...I have so much still in me to do...I want to become better at drawing portraits...and painting. I want to better my photographic skills and start doing meaningful work with it...something that makes me feel.

I want to learn. I LOVE to learn. I will never know enough. I will search to learn something in this life until I am not in this life any more. That is why I love to read. That is why I love stories so much. I want to learn. I want to learn to better myself. I want to learn how to be a better husband and father. I want to learn how to be a better communicator. I want to learn how to counsel and to teach better than I do now. I want to learn to make more money. I want to learn to spend less money. I want to learn what it feels like to work because I WANT to and not because I HAVE to. I want to learn Spanish. I want to learn two different martial arts. I want to learn how to fly. I want to learn how to play a particular piece of Mozart's music on the piano...although I am not sure what it is called...I just know it when I hear it...it is a more famous piece.

I want to write professionally. I want to be published. I want to be read by other people. I want my opinion to matter to someone other than myself. I want to write different kinds of material as well. Fiction, functional self-help, educational and inspirational work, and maybe even a children's book or two.

I also want a doctorate. I want either a Ph. D. or an Ed. D. or a J. D. I have not yet decided but I am planning on going after at least one of those three.

I want to be a person that has not allowed fear to rule their life...I want to be fearless. I want to be a risk taker. I want to truly live my life and savor it. I want to be...who God intended me to be...and I know in my gut...that is someone who is fearless and without barrier...but also humble and caring...I want to be that person...

I want to watch my wife laugh...out loud. I love to see that. She makes me feel good when she is feeling good. I want to see Sarah Bear grow up and become the most awesome woman I know she will be...just like her big Sissy...Harmony. I want to....someday...not saying any day soon...but someday LOL...be a grandpa...I think I will be really good at it...and I want to see Heather be a grandma....someday LOL...

I want to see all of my children be taken care of and safe...and they are not. Not yet anyway. Health care is a major issue in this country and especially in this state that I love...California. We are in danger and our leaders...both state and federal are dropping the ball on this issue. It is bad enough if a person is healthy and risks having an accident...but if you live with someone who is in chronic pain...or has a chronic illness...well...the health care industry and our political structure are just plain letting us down...I should not have to worry so much about having patients with Cystic Fibrosis having medical coverage and seeing the Dr they choose. I want to be able to provide for my children...even my grown children...because my government refuses.

I want to live by the coast. I want to get out of this valley...my allergies are getting worse and I am positive it is because of what blows through here. I love the ocean.

I want more tattoos. I want a lot more tattoos. I want to cover my back with a sunrise and I want two full sleeves. I want both my legs done from "at least" the knee down to my feet...but probably more...I want the money to get more without hurting my family. I want to get a tattoo for my father. He was a great man and I love him and I miss him. I want to commemorate him on my body. I want to get another piece done with all my children's names in it and I want something that will represent all of my family. I already have eagle feathers that represents my four children. I want more and I do not mind the pain. I don't exactly enjoy it...but it feels like I am earning that artwork that I will wear forever on my body...it becomes a part of me that I take with me where ever I go. I find peace in that. A certain comfort that I understand not everyone understands. But that is OK.

I want to own and run my own businesses. Yeah...that's right...it's plural LOL. It is how I think I can finally provide for my family since my society won't (I only mean health care here...not money). I want to build....something. I want to help people and build and strengthen communities. I want to help feed and educate people. I am not sure what to start with and so I sit here writing about all the things I want...but have nothing to show for it. The only thing I know for sure that I want to own...is real estate...and lots of it. That will in itself be a separate company someday...but I need something that will provide a vehicle...a machine...for cashflow. That is where it will start...and that is what I want to find. I want to find my cash machine. Ultimately...this will provide more than just health care for my family...this...will give me my time...which is to say...my freedom...I want my freedom...I want to be free.

This...believe it or not...is the short list...of what I want in my life. I have loads of stuff to be thankful for...so don't misunderstand...I am a blessed man in many ways and on many levels...and I know this. But....that does not stop me from growing...from reaching for more...becoming more...wanting more...as it should be...so...it is...

Welp...you've read mine...What is it that you want? What do you want?

4 Things...

In answer to G's tag...

4 things you may not know about me:

1. I want to be a writer and would love to be published someday.

2. I want to become involved in Martial Arts.

3. I have always wanted to become an actor in the movies. I think that being an actor doing movies would be an awesome way to make a living and a very creative process. I have actually been in one movie which has aired on TNT several times. It is called Karate Cop and I am briefly in two scenes in the beginning of the movie...don't blink or you'll miss me LOL...but my name is in the credits.

4. I wish there were healthy avenues that men could gather in groups, create close friendships, and grow emotionally without feeling like they are somehow not being true to their own nature…and I include myself in this group.

4 Jobs I have had:

1. Musician (My passion and the heart of my art…I wish I could make a living at performing, writing, and recording)

2. Counselor (This is where I got “Doc” when I was 12…what can I say…I am really good at listening and telling other people what they need to do)

3. Teacher (Couldn't get away from it…I fought it for a long time…runs in the family)

4. Sales (hated parts of it…but I was good at it…glad to have the experience)

4 Movies I could watch over and over:

The Sandlot (This is not my childhood…and yet it is my childhood…all at the same time…it has and reminds me of all the stuff I loved and miss about being a kid)

Sleepless In Seattle/City Slickers (First…I love romantic comedies…and second I love to laugh…but choosing between these two I couldn't do…City Slickers was the first movie I went and saw in a theater alone…just after my first marriage failed…and it hit home for me…and made me laugh)

Shawshank Redemption, (Have to agree with G on this one…excellent movie)

Unforgiven (This is in some ways to me…the ultimate Western…and my favorite)

4 TV Shows I watch:

Miami Ink (Chris Garver just absolutely rocks...the guy is a true artist and I would love to have some work done by him)

L.A. Ink (Kat is an amazing artist and I would love to get inked by her someday)

Heroes (Who doesn't want to have a superhero power?!)

Numbers (I love art mixed with intelligence, logic, rationality, set in a good drama…good work)

4 Hobbies:

Photography (Would love to make more money at it…have to say the same about music as well)

Drawing/painting (It still amazes me that I can start with nothing literally and coax, prod, embellish, and pull something out of clear space with a pencil, pen, piece of charcoal, or paint)

Writing (I would love to be published someday…I absolutely LOVE to read…I love stories)

Traveling (If I could I would spend 6 months a year traveling to different places and visiting different family and friends)

4 Places I have lived:

Stockton, CA (My whole life)

In my mind:
Maui (West coast)
Carmel, CA
Italy…somewhere close to but not IN Rome…


4 Favorite Foods:

Home made tacos (love them so much I lost 75 lbs with them 10 years ago)
Pizza (Many kinds)
BBQ (I love stuff right off the grill…especially meat…beef in particular)
Mexican (I could eat this stuff every day…spicy…with guacamole)

4 Places I would rather be:

On the beach in Maui
On the beach in Carmel/Monterey
On the beach in Cabo
On the beach in San Diego (Seeing a theme here? :)

4 Websites I visit daily:

My 2 Blogs
The Sarah Bear
Yahoo News
Weight Watchers (when I am being good)

The Portal...

I love to read....I love stories. I mean I really love to invest myself in the search and discovery of a story...finding something...somewhere in it....a morsel...a tidbit...a little treasure...something I can learn and grow from...something that I can feel....something that I can attach to...at least for a little while...and loose myself in thought and let my imagination run as free and energetic as the wind with a message attached to it's meaning and meandering in a journey towards an uncertain end.

Reading to me...is a window...a portal...to anothers perspective...anothers world. I can imagine without the boundary of sight and sound... I can see with my mind and capture the words from the page as they grace my vision and gloss the edge of my own perception with just a hint of meaning and understanding. Just when I am not looking and open to whatever will come...the author will throw a curve...an unexpected but completely welcome avenue towards a whole new perspective and as I travel with the author's voice in my mind...sitting at the feet of the great story and imagined path...I find myself living a different life...a different perspective...with different meanings and thoughts that are not totally and wholly my own. In these instances and moments I find myself thoroughly lost and engulfed...overwhelmingly underneath the rim of my reality and succumbed to my creative self...a self that defies my normal and rational logic and manages to actually ask the question.....WHAT IF?!?

What if the world didn't work the way I know it does? What if the future was actually somewhere and something that was not ordinary and unexplained? What if I could be anything I desired and it could come true? What if my hope was meant for a purpose? What if my purpose was bigger than I am? What if the whole and sum of my experience was actually enough to be complete in and of itself? What if I could actually see the cycles and patterns of anything I desired to see and see into the future? What if the sky were orange and the sunset blue? What if gravity was not actually based on the scientific law that physics tells us it is based on? What if I could travel back or forward in time? What if I could make myself invisible...and then visible...at will? What if I had unlimited wealth, fame, and fortunes beyond my imagination? What if I...was not myself but something...or someone else?

I just finished the latest and last Harry Potter book and then right on the heels of that I just finished "The Road" and I am in the middle of about five other different books right now.

It makes me want to write. What if I could write? What if someone actually liked what I wrote...and had to say? What if it was my imagination that took you on a journey...a path into the unknown...to laugh and giggle...to contemplate and to suffer...to see through my minds eye...what could be?

What if?

Interesting thought....

I just wanted to say...

Some days are created just so that we remember that we are NOT the most important person in the world...and that in the best of times we can hope for being treated with some dignity and respect but not in any amount that will go to our heads because it is false. In the times that are not the best we must make due with the simple understanding that we are not always the person that is most important...and it is OK for life to be so sometimes. But either way...remembering the things which are more important to one's growth and forward motion...most often return to the idea that it is people...and relationships in one's life...that are most important.

Today was a good day...and yet there were things in my day that had me in pain...wincing and limping...hoping for some part of balance to visit my furrowed busy mind with a break from the stress and pressure that I put myself under. But all in all...this was a really good day.

I got to go to a movie with my daughter...just her and I...the big daughter....something we do not get or take might be a better way of putting it...the time to do often...and I had a good time...we laughed and talked...shared each others company...and in the end I am glad and even honored for even the possibility to spend that time together alone with her...much needed and not often enough taken...and I will say...thank you Harmony...for being such a great person...and you are fun...and funny...and while I am at it...thank you Heather...for watching short stuff for us so that we could get this chance to enjoy each other's company for an evening. I had a blast! Thank you ;)

Sarah is two!!!

I am continually amazed at the way time invades my sense of security and safety and yet, I am always rewarded by how much the work I have put in previously in my life comes back in ways I haven't even expected...and that is to say there is a legacy and I have at least done some things right.

Sarah turned two yesterday...and all my children were there. I was proud of Sarah...and I was very proud of her brothers and sister...and her two sisters Bree and Alicia. They were all there and celebrated Sarah with their time...their effort...presents...but most of all their love and attention. Seeing them all love her and be so open about their appreciation of her...well...it just made my heart swell.

I can't believe my little girl is two. I am so proud of that little girl...she is awesome!

Sarah...I love you...and Jake...Josh...Harmony...I love you guys all very much...thank you for being who you are...and being so open to share that with Sarah...you guys all do my heart good...I am very proud of you guys.




These are my girls...The Sarah Bear...and her Sissy Harmony above...and her Mommy below.



Heather...our baby girl is getting big...and I am proud not only of her...but of you as well. You are a wonderful mother to her and step-mom to Jake, Josh, and Harmony...and all of their significant others...Bree...Alicia...and Brian...and I want to thank you for who you are with them...you are important to them all and you do a wonderful job of respecting them and loving them and giving them all a great example and I am proud of you for that...thank you...I love you babe.

Ahh Fridays...

Ahh...Friday...the end of the work week...the beginning of the weekend...it even sounds nice doesn't it? Friday...hmm...it just feels like a breath of fresh air....TGIF....the day of division...separating the time of profession and transitioning into the time with the family...to ourselves...fun, sun, sleep, bleep, anything we want in an over the top relaxation or time to get some work done in an area in our lives that we would prefer to work in...gardening...building a deck...cleaning of the weeks worth of living in a home filled with busy lives...cleaning the swimming pool...tree trimming...lawn maintenance...computer work...playing music...taking pictures...drawing/painting pictures...watching movies...listening to music...reading a great book...doing yoga...BBQ's...family time...playing/watching sports...camping...short term travel...day dreaming...and on and on.

Ahh...Friday...the beginning of the freedom that we work so hard to get...the entrance to our lives apart from making money...the gateway to our life...the soft place to land in the week...the date for dates and mate for mates...the feel good, dreamy, take a deep breath day of sunsets and new beginnings. I think it is the day to celebrate because it is the day where work and play are simultaneous...we get to dress down...feel good...get relief from a harried and stress filled week and the time when we can turn our weary eyes from the world's woes to our own lives and finally...gratefully...thankfully...leave all that "stuff" at the doorstep and...breathe!

Back to it...

Ya know the more I do in my life and the older I get...the more I seem to gain more knowledge and feel dumber all at the same time. I have lots of degrees...2 Masters of Arts, 1 Bachelors of Science, 4 Associates of Arts...Certificates in Technical Drafting and Real Estate...lots of education...the only thing I don't have yet...and I say yet because I plan on going forward to earn at least one in my lifetime...is a Doctoral degree...and yet I feel like I am getting further behind...not ahead...

At this point in my life I thought I would be feeling better about where I am in my life...my "lot" in life...and yet I am unsatisfied in so many areas...feeling like I need to hurry up because time is against me...feeling like I know myself so well...and yet I still can't help doing some things that still bother me...and not doing things that I know I need to in order to feel better...to feel good...to feel like I have forward motion...but maybe this is the way in life...some things are great...and some things...not so much...

I have a wonderful family....awesome kids...awesome wife...awesome marriage...I have never been happier in so many ways...and we are all doing better...Heather got out of that situation that she felt so stuck in at work...even though they did wrong her and I am still wondering if it is actionable...Sarah is just so awesome I can't stand it...I really love that little girl...she is so bright...and loving...so cute...and her future is so bright...I am excited for her because I know she will be great...no matter where she goes or what she does...she isn't even two yet...but I can see it in her...she is so awesome...and Sarah's brothers and sister are all doing really well too...I am so blessed as a father...I am such a blessed man...

I have my mind...I have my health for the most part...I have an awesome marriage...I am talented in at least a couple of areas and I am doing pretty good in the things that I do as far as jobs...my clients and my students seem to appreciate me...and the job I do for them...what am I missing?

Maybe...a little of this...

I took these shots a couple of weeks ago...actually the day of the shooting...These guys are attached to kites...and it looked like so much fun...cold....but fun...just North of Santa Cruz...

Maybe what I need is more time in my life...maybe more money so I can have that time....maybe the freedom that comes with it.....or maybe the control...feeling like I am in control of my own life...

Maybe I need to do something else...because I am screaming inside...Let me out! Let me out! I don't want to be a prisoner in my own life...set up by my own hand...How cool would it be to suddenly just break out of an old life and into a new one...oh before you get worried I'm not talking about my marriage or responsibilities as a father and husband...as I already have said...I love that part of my life...but man...we only go around once...and I am supposed to be having more fun...being more authentic...being more...welp...ME!

So...hmm...how do I do that?

Maybe....

I need to get back to it...OK...so I have been out of a band for a year now...maybe it is time...anybody out there looking for a guitarist?