Gina & Walt...please pray for them...

We have gotten back home from Maui (as of last night) and I miss it again already...but that is the least of where my mind is tonight. I have just left a note on my friend Gina's blog for her...because she is not able to do it at this time...thanking everyone for the support and love they have offered in the most terrible of times.

Late...last Tuesday night...the 12th...in Maui...after a great day of fun and sun...G & Walt got the phone call that no one can imagine getting. An accident...two sons...one survived...one in the hospital...critical...Walt was a trooper on the phone and getting information and thank God that Heather was there to comfort Gina...she was a life saver that night. G was devastated...and I can not...I will not...even allow myself...to imagine it. To be in her shoes. But there it was...a reality for G...

I felt helpless...numb...dumbstruck....how could this happen? Damn....OMG....I can't even think about it...we sat up for hours....trying to let it sink in...and trying to be there for Gina & Walt. Surreal....

I am human...I sat wanting this to not be true for G...hoping there was a mistake...and selfishly thinking of my own children...one son whom is approximately the same age...and I get sick to my stomach...I can't wrap my brain around all of it...the...all...of it....and it hit me square in the face...the reality and finality of it all...

Walt & G were on a plane the next day...their trip cut short...a pivot in their lives...nothing will ever be the same again...this is a fundamental shift in a person's reality...forever...and it will someday be all right again...but it ain't ever gonna be OK.

It's weird because I wrote the lyrics for this song...awhile ago...maybe a couple years or more...about this very thing...and this very sentiment...and it just brought it all back. I'd like to share it with you...

It Is Gonna Be All Right ©

Chorus:

It will never be OK…but it is gonna be all right

Yeah It ain’t ever gonna be OK…but it is gonna be all right

1 .And when those moments happen…and all the darkness seems like it’s night
2. And in those momentous moments…and all the blackness shows no light
3. And if those moments happen…where your heart just don’t want to fight

It ain’t ever gonna be OK…but it is/you are gonna be all right

Verse:

In all my days and selfish ways taking for granted the life I own
I looked upon the path I was on and didn’t realize how I’d grown
And in a flash of crimson ash and blackness I’d never known
I got the call that ended it all as I dropped the phone like a stone

I thought I knew what hurt could do until I heard that you had died
I never knew the depth that grew from knowing you’d never be by my side

Verse:

If I’d known I’d be on my own and living life without you
I’m not so sure that I could cure the sinking feeling of despair which grew
But in the light that I’d be right if I learned to live with love anew
I saw the fact that I’d attract the life that God gave me in real truth

I can never be so clever as to pretend that I will be the same
My life has changed and rearranged my portrait in my tear stained frame

Bridge:

But we are the chosen ones who have to take the lead
To tell the luckiest ones if not for those who really have the need
To rise above and live with love that passes through our hearts
And mending all those broken lives by telling where our story starts



Gina & Walt...I wish nothing but the best for you both and my heart goes out to you. May God bless you both for all of your days.

Namaste

Soon now...

Soon...

Soon we are Hawaii bound...soon...

Soon we are Maui bound....my home away from home...I can wait brah...I can't wait.

I just keep breathing...waiting...wanting...trying to be patient...and having such a hard time...but it will be over soon...the waiting...and I'll be able to breathe...

I'm not sure what it is about Maui...there is something spiritual about the place...something sacred...and I feel free there...except for those moments when I think about having to come back...and so it goes...I keep listening to bruddah IZ...his high sweet tenor booming in my ears from my Ipod while he takes me away to the green wet humid island...and the tradewinds of the Pacific....and the voice of God on that wind...calling me home...it is more than just a vacation...

My job is still going pretty good...still very stressed there because of deadlines and just trying to do my best...still in a huge enormous learning curve...but it is good...I am just learning sooo much.

I miss playing...my musical life is stifled...and I feel strangled by the loss of it...but I am not sure I have the time or energy to do anything big about it at least right now...which makes me feel like I am letting myself down...but I also know I will find the time to jumpstart myself like I always do when anything else takes a lot of my time...and that part of my life suffers...I always come back to it...always...it is in my soul...I can not help it...it is a part of me...a part of who I am...if only....if only....

Dreams are funny things...careful what you wish for...and be careful of what you aim for...because you will most likely hit it...and you may not be too happy with where you end up...especially if you aim too low...I need to follow my own damn advice...

What's left? What is there now? What's next? It seems like...to me...I should be shooting for something bigger now...raising my sights...and then I have this other part of me...who wants to go to Maui...to the west coast...to visit Kihei...and see my old friend...the beloved and sacred isle...to let my heart sing again...

I can't wait to see my daughters enjoying the sand and sea...my wife stand on the beach where we were married again...the green lush tropics...and the sights of humpback whales....the tattoo shop...the sunset over the neigboring isle...and the dream...I can feel it calling already...come on Brah...it's nutting over heeyah...it is truly all....good.

Honestly...

Ya know, I am pretty sure that where ever one goes in life, the issues and problems one has is taken with them and that as much as it is a possibility to change for us...and we do change...we are still who we are underneath it all.

I say this because no matter how much good I try to do...and no matter how much changing I actually do...there is something out there...always...that is just waiting to rear it's ugly head and try to convince me that somehow or another...I am in some way screwing something up.

But my question is why does it always seem to be about deficiencies? I mean honestly...why is it that it is so easy to focus on the negative in our lives and relationships? It is truly a more unhealthy means of communicating and when we talk to each other in these kinds of ways we end up tearing each other down. So what is the point of it really? Frustration? Envy? Spite? Resentment? A general lack of our own self-esteem? Not being able to be more creative in our approach? What is it?

It is about fulfilling a need of some sort...I do know that much...but what the payoff is I am not sure. I guess it is different for each individual and even each situation. But honestly...it is tiring. I so want to focus on the good in my life. The positive stuff that helps me to keep on going. I mean really...why is that so hard to do?

I want to be honest. With myself and with everyone else. But honestly...I hurt people and scare people when I am totally honest...so...there ends up being some sort of a balance there...a filter. I will be honest...but not tell you everything necessarily...and then we can still be OK with each other. But honestly...that sucks.

I would much rather just tell you like it is...and then hear it back the same way from others...so that I can know what I need to work on...and give you the same...but not be told in some demeaning fashion...that is out of wanting to jab at me...but to help me change...in a way that supports and even facilitates change in me...it seems like people are so concerned with their own stuff...that we forget how we are making others feel when we tell them what we think...so where is the middle ground? Where does it become balanced? How do I balance my needs with those of others?

I guess these are the eternal questions...this is life...it is messy...and real...but it is what it is. Honestly...

A new beginning...

I'm not sure how my life will unfold from this point on...but I am pretty sure at this point in my life that I am on a path that will take me to a place I will be happy about and at least feel good about my choices.

Today is Sunday evening and I finished my third week last Friday at the county as a clinician. I am overwhelmed but my supervisors and peers are telling me that I am doing very well and right on track. Awesome!!! One supervisor told me that she has heard only good comments from everyone about me at this point. I am managing with a few speed bumps but I am surviving so far and I am learning so much. This is truly a gift.

I am starting to see that I just need to settle in to a groove just like I did with being a professional musician...just like being an instructor at a college...just like being a business owner...just like running my own domestic violence and anger management groups...just like being an academic advisor...or a job coach...or several of the other jobs that I have had...it is just a matter of patience and persistence...of perspective...and adaptation.

Christmas has passed and we had a blast. You would have seen some of this and heard about it on Heather's blog by now I'm sure. We had such a good time with each other and with all the kids at Josh and Bree's house. It is so cool to have the chance to give each of them things that you can see in their eyes that they truly appreciate...I...just....love that. Everyone felt good and enjoyed themselves I believe. A few were a little under the weather but aside from that I think it was a great day.

Today was another great day. The boys weren't there for different reasons and Harmony is visiting family out of state...but we had a great time with family members and Sarah today. Again there are lots of things about it all on Heather's blog so I won't be redundant but suffice it to say that I am, as Heather is...so proud of that little girl and I love her so much. She has brought so much joy into the world and I am so grateful to be her dad. What an honor.

I am really really proud of all of my kids and I know that most parents wax on about their kids and all...but I frankly have real reasons to be proud of each and every one of them. They are all awesome people and I am just a blessed man for having been given the opportunity to have these great people in my life. It is an honor and I am humbled by the gift from God.

In my work now...I am spending time with a wide variety of people and some of them are really struggling with issues I would not wish on my worst enemy. I am trying to attempt to help them and I know in a few cases for sure I have been able to already...at least a little bit for now. But I wouldn't want to trade places with them. I do not know how I was so blessed...but boyOHboy am I glad I have been. Even with all the junk that has gone along with it...cause it has not been an easy road...and there are things to face in the future I refuse to look at currently...I still see more blessing than anything...and days and weeks like this just go to reinforce this belief in me.

All this and I have an awesome wife to boot. We have our struggles as everyone does...and there are things that we work on to improve...but we are a team...rough around the edges...but a team...and we are family. I can't think of anything better in the world...anything more important...anything more valuable...and anything more worth...my time and effort. It is my family that makes my world worth living in...and I mean...living in...being engaged in...plugged into...part of...present...in every meaning of the word.

It is this way...because I care. It is this way because WE care....and that....makes all the difference...

This is not new...but there isn't anything more important. I wish and hope for all that read these words...that you may find or have found these things in your own life. I hope for you a life of caring and commitment...a life of new beginnings...and of realizing the importance of home...being in your families...and the work that it takes...to make them healthy and strong...the work never ends...the effort is as alive and breathes as any of the members of the whole...you don't forget...to love each other...love is a verb...an action...and when it is acted upon...it is returned. May God bless you and yours...belated Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year...and a safe and sober one...

The new job...and Heather's birthday!

Welp...I made it! I have Oh-ficially survived my first week as a clinician in a county mental health office. I have had quite the experience already and my learning curve is just absolutely HUGE! But I am so appreciative for the opportunity and I look forward to the next year with excitement and fear...knowing that I am going to grow exponentially.

I just amazes me that as much as I know...I can clearly see how much I don't know...and when it is put in my face like it was this week it is challenging to keep up. But I am. I feel great because as much as I am unsure about what I want to do with the rest of my life....I do know that I want to get these hours finished and get on with getting my license and life.

I chose to leave the classroom for the moment and I did that very reluctantly. But I knew that if I am ever to get moving with this professional pursuit I need to get my hours finished. Now I will be able to. I already have done five intakes and therefore I now have 5 clients. This is only my first week. Woof. I hit the ground running...and I am still on my feet...on my feet so far...and I will go back to a classroom someday....somewhere...

Today was Heather's birthday. We went out last night and had a good time...went to dinner and we saw Larry the cable guy...and we laughed a lot...and tomorrow we will get together with everyone to celebrate. I am a very blessed person to have her as a wife. She is a blessing in my life. Happy birthday babe...I love you.

Doing well...

Today...I sat with one of my current bosses and listened to some advice...parting advice...since I am leaving that position roughly at the end of this week.

I say roughly because although my last day in one of his classrooms will be at the end of this week...I have papers...so many papers...to grade for the students...so he is checking in on extending my last pay period by a week so that I can get paid for finishing the work...instead of making him do it LOL...

Anywah...he tells me that in the year and a half that I have worked there...teaching for them...he has never had one student complain about me. Not even one! I was thankful to hear this and really pleased. I mean...I didn't expect a lot of complaints...but heck...not even one?!? WOW! He told me how much he has appreciated me and reflected on his hiring me...saying it was my personality that sold them. He could joke with me and I with them (he and the other deans)....and they felt like I would bring in that way of being into the classroom. He was absolutely right of course. Several times with my first four classes I asked for his advice on different things...and he told me several things that all seemed to boil down to one assertion...just...be...yourself! He was and is...sooo right about that.

As I listened to him today...he tells me that I am gold now...with my graduate degrees and teaching and counseling experience...I can get a management position at a community college or university. Pull in more money and move up. It was really nice to hear and I felt like it was just at the right time for me. The other thing was it was unsolicited. He just opened up to me...about me...and I appreciated it.

He has always treated me well and I have always felt good about that relationship. He gave me a shot...and I ran with it...and it is tough giving it up now. I told him that I was really struggling with the decision because I really don't want to leave it behind. He said well...call me in a couple months and we can reevaluate...he said I am welcome back there any time I please...with open arms. That was really nice to hear...it really did feel good to be valued like that.

So why am I not staying? I keep going back and forth about it. I am starting my new job with the county as a clinician on the 10th. It is a good job and will give me that oh so hard to get and ever present pain in the neck piece of getting licensed...my precious hours...with lots of supervision...AND...I will learn....learn a ton...and quickly...so it is good...really good...but I am still going to moonlight a couple nights a week. As for now it will be doing the domestic violence groups...it is just down the street and it does actually pay a little bit better...and I will look for an online teaching gig...something I can do from my home computer.

But it is hard...giving up the classroom...and as rewarding as doing those groups can be...it is a tough choice. But it is one that I feel I had to make...for money....for experience...for convenience...well...maybe that is really what it is...I will see how it pans out for a while and reevaluate as he suggested. It is just nice to be valued by one's boss. It is a good example for me to follow in the future...when I have employees of my own. I guess for now...I will just appreciate that next week I start a whole new journey...and support Heather in her new journey...which she started today! Go Heather! She's a manager for the city now! It's good to be the King!

The Follow Up...

So...I need to apologize for this update taking so long....I'm sorry for the wait...

OK...let's see...on the following Wednesday from the last blog I spoke with the same manager in the morning and she offered me the position. Yeah!!! It was contingent on me passing a background check...which I knew I would...

But before I had spoken with that manager...I believe the same morning before I got the offer....I had gotten another call from a different manager and was asked for a third interview...which I said I would be happy to go to. So after I accepted the one position on Wednesday morning...I went to a third interview that afternoon...I told the folks that I was offered the other position but I went through the interview anyway...and I was glad I did...it was interesting and informative...as well as good practice...and about 3/4 of the way through I told them... I had actually accepted the other position because I realized I had forgotten to mention that part initially...but it was a good experience...

Last week...on Wednesday...I spoke with the supervisor I accepted the position with...and I passed the background check...so I am set!....and I'm starting the new gig on the 10th of next month! So now I am working through the transition...trying to make sure it goes smoothly...at least as much as I can...

Ya know...it's weird...there are things I am certainly going to miss...and some things are really going to change around here...Heather starts her new job on the 3rd...and I start mine one week later...so December will be a real month of change for us...big changes...but all for a lot of good stuff...and even though there will be things I will miss...I am looking forward to learning new things and growing...becoming more than who and what I am now...and that growth will create new opportunities for us. All good stuff.

As for the other parts of life...we got to spend this last weekend in Carmel/Monterey...do a photo shoot that we both felt very good about and had fun with...got to enjoy each others company as well as time with our daughters...got to go to the aquarium...and even got to drop in on some friends for a good visit...

I wonder...what will the next year bring? I hope it will be filled with happiness and love...learning and growth...peace...sunsets...serenity...and prayer...