Decisions decisions

Sooo...I'm fat. I'm not 800 pounds...but I am fat...

Now...I know I'm fat...but it is a weird thing to see pictures of myself because I do not see myself as how fat I really am...and when I see the reality of it...well...it is disturbing to see at the least...and at most it is just plain out and out scary. I had that experience this week...a picture of Sarah and I together...and it wasn't expected.

My lovely wife Heather just got home today after having the gastric bypass surgery and she is just beginning this journey...but in the next year she is profoundly going to change physically. She keeps asking me how I feel about going through the same thing myself...and I keep telling her that I am still thinking about it...which is the truth.

The catch is...I have a preexisting colon problem that I was born with...and this surgery could/would impact that condition...and I asked her surgeon about this and he confirmed it...so it is not simply a fear of mine...it is a reality....however he also told me that he could do a similar but different form of the surgery on me (a procedure called "the sleeve" which effectively actually removes most of the stomach from the body but does not involve the smaller intestine, therefore it's form and method is not malabsorbtion as Heather's surgery but restriction) and then given some time...a few months...he would reevaluate for a second surgery to remove some of my colon to fix the colon problem I was born with.

This was...to say the least....shocking to me...I was told by a surgeon at the age of 12 years that this was inoperable...that I would live with this the rest of my life and there wasn't much I could do about it. I have learned through my own personal growth that there are things I can do about my condition and it has made an enormous difference for me both in function and in overall health in this regard (Heather's surgeon was impressed when I told him how much I have improved on my own just in the last 4-5 years). I can be proactive and it does make a difference. But I have operated (no pun intended) under the belief all these years, that I would just have to live with this forever and try to do my best. Now...I find out that this belief is no longer true.

That is profound for me. The thought of being normal in that regard has always been a dream that is completely unattainable for me. Now...the idea is no longer unattainable but very real and the surgeon was very frank and casual about this, telling stories of others whom he has done similar things for, albeit not for the same reason.

So I am left with a great big void of uncertainty...and an even more daunting question...do I go through two major surgeries...risk my life twice...to loose this weight and to get rid of a lifelong digestive problem? Would I truly be better off by all of the pain and risk...the possibilities are exciting and scary as hell.

I would be the ideal candidate for a gastric bypass type of surgery...other than the colon thing...I have three of the four conditions they ask about and use as qualifying factors, I have lost 75 pounds on my own and put it all back on plus more...and then lost 30 pounds through weight watchers last year ...and have put it all back on plus...and concerning the surgery her surgeon told me..."ya gotta do it"...and I am still trying to figure out if that is the sales pitch of a businessman plying his trade....or if he is actually right...and if he is correct...then maybe I should be doing everything I can so that I can be here and be healthy for decades to come.

My goal...at this point in my life...is to still be here and have a good and positive quality of life...by the time Sarah is my age...which would put me well into my 80's...and in order to accomplish this task...I need to get this stinkin weight off...and keep it off.

I am in a weird position because...realistically...I have lost 75 pounds before on my own...using a book I bought as a guide...a book called, "Weigh Less, Live Longer" by Dr. Arrone. Good book and I used it effectively, it works. I now "know" I could get this weight off. I do not question whether or not I could get it off. The problem I have is that I can't seem to keep it off. I am an addict and I use food as a drug to relieve my stress and use it as a friend when I need to feel better or differently. Maybe cutting my stomach out and having it completely removed, except for a 2-3 oz. pouch, is the answer. That is scary though. Even the surgery that Heather has had does not remove the organ from the body...they just place it to the side but it is still there.

Should I just....basically...loose/amputate my stomach....and for that matter some of my colon while I am at it? Is this really my only way? Or should I be allowing my weight and the medical complications from it to take me down slowly? Yuck...

How the hell did I end up here? Not in a million years would I have guessed earlier in my life that I would have this as a decision to face. There seems to me to be no clear and easy answer here. Everything is still on the table as for this moment...but I gotta tell ya...I am really struggling with this one...

Both paths are scary. Even if I lost all my weight through diet and exercise...which is still on the table too BTW...could I keep it off? Could I change me so much that I never go back to the way that I have lived the last several years? That...is the final question...and I am in no way reassured that I would be able to accomplish the long term goal. I "know" I could do the short term goal...but could I keep it off? That...that is the real question...hmm....I wish I knew...

It's Friday!

Whew...it's Friday! Wow what a long week. Have ya ever had the feeling that your life is just flying by in a big blur? I had a week like that this week.

I logged a lot of face to face hours at work this week and had some of it affect me to some degree. That's always hard...when I feel like I am doing good but I keep walking through others lives and spending a lot of energy on helping them...at some point I start to tip over to depleting my own energy and focus on my own life...

Sometimes I wonder what the cost of all this giving is....does it just drain me of...well...whatever...or does it energize me because I know I am helping people....hmm...dunno....jury is still out on that one...

Still...it is good to help...I hope I am helping...sometimes I wonder...I like being sure of things...and sometimes all this doing for others is hard because I really don't "know" if it really is helping...it is all up in the air and we will find out in time....I guess that leaves me with my effort...and in that I do feel pretty good...I do have plenty of room for improvement of course...but I do work pretty hard as well....DO tah DO tah DO...suffice it to say...life is good...and I am tired...but it is Friday! So I can spend some time with the girls and hang out a bit...and talk with my wife cause I miss talking with her...we get so darned busy...Yeah :)

I certainly like being able to help...and hope that I am...I know I know....ya can't help everybody...and I know I don't...but I am pretty sure I do help some of them...and that my friends...is worth it...every time....now if I can just fix my own stuff LOLOL...hmm...
:)

Let me tell ya...

So in between trips to see friends and to relax with family...with kids large and small along...life is going on...up and down...good and not so good...easy and hard...and while that is the way of things...as always...I find myself confronting things that I am having real difficulties with and unsure as to how I want to handle where I am surrounding my circumstances.

Today is Saturday...average weekend day so far...I cleaned up, dressed, and fed my daughter breakfast and got her those daily vitamins we give her to get her day started...I mowed front and back lawns and wrote an Email...and the girls are currently taking pictures...I'm sure Heather will have some up later today or tomorrow...

A regular leave it to beaver type of day...

Day before yesterday I was subpoenaed and had to go testify in court for a criminal child abuse case. This is the first time I have ever had to testify in a court case. I got through it and survived...I did not like it and it had a negative affect on me that is still reverberating...but it was a learning experience...that I truly hope I never have to repeat...but a learning experience all the same. I think I did well overall. I have no idea what effect my testimony would have on this case...but they all seemed to think it very important.

It amazes me how much of a game the experience is...the courtroom. It is a production...political...full of drama kings and queens putting on performances that rival the greatest of stage and screen...a ring master who presides over the production with a mix of boredom and exuberance...a procedure for every little thing...every little word questioned and examined as if a question rephrased...ever so slightly differently...or even sarcastically...will change my opinion or testimony and warrant some sort of pivot that sends one of the two players of the game reeling...one for the worse...one for the better...

The thing that may have bothered me the most though...was a choice of one of the prosecuting attorneys...to basically force me to look at pictures of the victim of the case, 3 pages worth...not just one or two pictures...even after I had testified as to reading the reports. I know what happened...thank you very much...I do not need to see it...

I deal in my daily profession...with children who have lived these realities...and some of which who are literally in the middle of living these realities...I was offended...as well as grossed out...hurt for the child and angry...both at the perpetrator and at the attorney...it was callous of her...and...it was intentional...very intentional...which to me makes it worse.

I let no one in the room see any of this in me of course...it did not change my testimony and it did not change my opinion of what I had to testify to...they told me to tell the truth...so help me God...and that is exactly what I did to the best of my ability...even after being rudely cut off and treated...more than once...by this same attorney....it wasn't needed or necessary...in my humble opinion.

Now an attorney reading this might say welp...ya know....it's all part of the game...nothing personal....but I have to tell ya...

I took it personally...very personally...it was personal to me...it might not have been to her...but it sure was to me...and for reasons that she...I am sure....does not even understand...she treated me like I do not understand what an abused child looks like...and has gone through...when honestly...I think I have a better understanding of it than she does...it's not because of pictures and what something looks like...but because I am one of the ones that they, the survivors, turn to...to try to heal from these atrocities...it just plain pissed me off...and hurt me...on multiple levels...

My prayer is for health...that child's...every child's...my own....that attorneys...that defendant...the judge and other people in that courtroom...because I don't want to hold on to anger or the pain...

I don't want to be in the fray...I want to actually help people...don't get me wrong...I am all for getting predators and people who can not control themselves off the streets to make it safe for my wife, kids, and family...not to even mention myself...and not to mention everyone else and their families...I know we need folks to do those things...to protect us...and I do appreciate that it is a difficult job...I can't tell you how glad I am...someone is out there to do that job...I just wish that people would stop to think about who it is they are talking to and what perspective they might have...instead of trying to be heavy handed and win...without consideration as to what their own actions are...because I walked out feeling very much like I had been abused myself...by the system and a person in it...who is supposedly fighting for justice...but it felt like she was just fighting to win...because she sure did not take me into consideration...and I would bet she doesn't even know how she hurt me...or why. She doesn't get it.

But I do...I get her...and the system...I know it's all we have...but damned if it isn't seriously flawed and hurtful.

Peace, sunsets, serenity, and prayer.

And the winner is...

So...I am totally into the Olympics this four year stretch and I am not exactly even sure why. Getting totally into it and am already feeling the first pulls of them being over soon. Yikes!

I am loosing sleep over this LOL...and I am OK with it. I have gotten to see some incredible moments...and sometimes asking myself...what are you doing? But all in all...it has been worth it this time around.

I am not usually into this stuff this much. Usually I will watch some stuff on TV...but not loose sleep over it. But I gotta be honest...it has been exciting this time around...and worth it. It started with the incredible opening ceremony. Wow...

It makes me think about the things possible and I guess that makes me feel good. What it is like to fulfill a long time fought for goal.

I just watched May/Walsh win gold...again...this time in the rain...amazing. Very cool.

What is possible? If you need to dig down deep...what can you accomplish? What's out there for ya?

Indeed...

For fun...

Welp...it has again been awhile since I last posted so I haven't improved that much...ahh vell...and nobody had any advice to give from my last post...hmm...everyone reading this must be as poor minded as I am LOL...or nobody's checkin in LOL...I guess I'm on my own to learn...

Today...momma's down visiting G with aunty Kymn so Harmony and I took Sarah Bear out to the zoo for a little fun in the sun. We had a good time mostly....although close to 1:00 Sarah, hot and very tired, started to cry...then it turned into a full on meltdown.

Daddy tried to make it better...Sissy tried to make it better...but the Boo Bear just wasn't havin any of it so we left and came home to put the big girl in bed. She had fun for awhile at least.














Getting some well needed warm sun!















This is Sissy trying to get Sarah to play like a goat and say Baahh! She never would lower herself to such nonsense LOL ;)

But sissy would!















This was Sarah's imitation of the monkeys we were looking at.














Our beautiful girl...with a mouthful of fingers.














And then things started to get hot...and someone started to get tired...soon after this...














things went south rather quickly...someone needed a nap.

There was a couple of folks from a program called Wild Things and they had a few animals there that they were presenting and showing off. Very cool and held Sarah's interests for a few minutes at least! :)

Here is a fairly large moniter lizard and a baby black bear.




























We had fun...mostly. The folks are bringing animals in for show at noon and 2:00 every weekend until Labor day. Fun stuff!

It's about time!

Welp...
Last week and the week before, Heather and I crossed milestones on our new jobs. Both of us hit the 6 months mark and are doing well. Both of us are having success and having struggles but we are making it...sure 'nuff.

I am currently less than 100 hours away of being 1/2 way to completing my 3000 hours and that is exciting. 1500+ hours and two tests away from being licensed and having some freedom to decide what I want to do next.

I haven't written in a while and haven't posted much this year so far. I am feeling bad about that because I should be sharing more and so I apologize to the two people who look at this LOL...I will try to do better in the second half of 2008.

Some of the problem for me has been stress. I am soo stressed out and I have not been doing great about releasing the pressure valves to relieve the problem for myself. I know better than this of course and so in recognizing this I am taking this as a step to try to start rectifying the problem.

One of the many things I am stressed about is money. I have been relegated to being a back up in my second job, which means they did not fire me, I am still an employee there for now...but they did take my groups and give them to another facilitator who is full time because the agency is "in financial straights" which basically eliminates me from making money from them...and in effect reducing my income.

The money I made from that 2nd job, for the last 6 months, has all gone into a savings account to be put into an investment...although I have not invested yet because I am unsure as to what to do what with the markets being what they are now...

Is there anyone out there who has a clue about making money and has a realistic suggestion as to what I can invest this money in before it is gone?...from good intentions...of course...but gone all the same.

Right now...we are $1,600 down out of the money that I put away just....cuz....pay bills...pay this...buy that....whatever...but the money is still gone and it is not being replaced. I was able to put back $600 into the account so that the amount rifled wasn't $2,200 but well...you get the point...I want a good chunk of this into a strong investment right away...so the temptation isn't there...to get lazy...

I have spent time reading, studying, & educating myself about finance and the markets, real estate, and basic financial literacy. I have a B.S. in business from a well respected private school. But I am not a financial planner, I do not know any financial planners, and I do not know anyone who is actually wealthy.

My definition of wealthy is when... one has passive income (this is income that comes in from assets and investments that one does NOT work for) that exceeds one's expenses. = Wealthy. I do not care about being rich...having fancy this or that...I mean it would be nice...but that isn't what I really want...I want my time...so if I have assets and investments that pay enough to pay my expenses...I will be a wealthy man...

This is my financial goal for me and my family. I KNOW it is do-able. I'm just not sure where to get started.

Is there anyone who has a clue as to what I am talking about and can help me get started? Please? What do I take a look at or who can I talk to? Any advice...anything that might help...throw a dog a bone...woof!

Anywah....this is where I want to go...got advice? :)

blog blog blog....

I'm not sure what it is that draws me to be so interested in the study of human nature...but I often attribute it to a study of my self and the people in my life. Ultimately though, I think it is because I relate what I learn to how I feel, what I see, those things I believe, and how I relate who I am in the framework of the world I live in. Me. But...

What are we supposed to be doing in our lives? Each of us has to figure that out for ourselves of course, but for me, I am all over the map and I am truly not sure.

I play, write, record, and create my own music. I also write in literary terms. I blog. I draw pictures and paint. I photograph and paint with light.

I teach. I counsel. I listen. I am a student always.

I problem solve. I am a seeker and I organize. I observe. I lead.

In all these things I have done almost all of them professionally.

With all this said...I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I am good at all this stuff. My passion is in the arts...music primarily...but I truly believe I would be good at other arts I haven't even done much of yet...drama...sculpture...but the point being I feel like this is really who I am. But it is not who I live to be professionally and that is at odds with what I actually live...on the inside.

So how do I resolve this? What do I need to do? I hate living the example for my kids of being someone that is not who I was put here to be...but is that really true? Am I really on the wrong track? Am I really supposed to be doing something else or am I exactly where I should be?

Hell if I know...

I go on photo shoots with my wife and I consciously try to take a lesser role often...because I want her to shine...and she does...because she is good. She is really good. So am I, but I want her to have the glory and praise.

I have pulled out of playing music professionally for the last two years...in part because it hurts me...to fiddle with it like it's some sort of hobby...when it is such a huge part of who I am. It feels like pouring salt into a wound at times...and of course at times it is a blast and I remember why I started it in the first place.

I have several book ideas and I want to be published...in something other than a blog LOL...something that I can actually make money at and have more than 3 or 4 people read LOL...but I really don't pursue this either...same with my art...my drawing...I fold it up and lock it away in me...I hide.

I hate that part of me. I feel like a coward. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I don't deserve it. The therapist in me knows where all that crappy thinking comes from...I know exactly where it comes from in me...although it still doesn't stop me from feeling it...just allows me to know intellectually it isn't true...but emotionally...it is often a different story...and that is a hard admission to make...because it is shaming...self shaming...but it is the truth. I feel how I feel.

So in the larger frame...who am I really? What am I really here to do?

I am here to tell the truth. My truth. Through my words. Through my music. Through my pictures. Through my artwork. Through my life. I am here to tell the truth... as best I can...to anyone that'll listen.

Hmm. I'm not sure that really helped me...but at least it is something. A direction. A place to start...so as not to stay corn-fused.

So I will tell the truth...and do my best to touch people wherever I can in my life...but I will fight to be healthy...and that means to tell the truth.