Wow...what can I say...life is rolling hard and fast and it is a bumpy ride...I am just trying to hang on. Since my last post...Josh came out of ICU and his CO2 levels came down which helped his severe headaches...and eventually OKed being put on the list for transplant...turned 26 yrs old...and then got back out of the hospital. We started doing fundraising for Josh...
We went to a Magnet schools fair for Sarah for kindergarten...hopefully she will get in...crossing our fingers...
Then we found out Heather...my wife...is pregnant! Number 5 for me and 2 for her. Sarah our 4 year old will have a little sister or brother...due in September. Wow! Two sonograms later and we can see a sack...but no baby inside....welp...it is still early...we just can't see it yet says the Doc and the sonogram nurse...ManOman! Yikes...what is going on here? Finally...the 3rd sonogram...there they are (they meaning 1 baby....but not an "it")...the little peanut...and a flashing little heartbeat...this is real!
Then...the call came. Exactly 1 month after Josh's birthday he is on the table having his double lung transplant. He gets through the surgery...including having the surgeon stitch a whole in his heart closed....in his words....since he was in the neighborhood LOL...only took about 15 minutes he says....WOW!
Two days later my eldest son turned 28...but we were all too distracted...(for good reason)...to celebrate Jacob...we still need to do this...he was a major trooper in helping Joshua and Breanna (Josh's wife) post-op. Same day I also find out that I have had my hours accepted by the Board of Behavioral Sciences...so I am ready to start the testing faze...
The day after Josh's surgery...Sarah starts a little cough. Holy crap! She is sick and she can't be around him...and we can't avoid being around her...so we can't be around him either! Damn! She has a cold...she is sick for a week and as she is getting better...Heather gets sick. AAHHH!...double damn! As Heather starts getting better after a week...I get sick! AAAAHHHHHH!!! Aww Comeon!! This is killing me...
We call and find out Sarah didn't get into the Magnet schools we were hoping for...bummer....what are we gonna do for her because she starts kindergarten this summer...
We get a letter in the mail....Heather's OBGYN...the same we just saw with the little flashing heartbeat...talking about when he plans on taking the baby...the same Doc that delivered Sarah...Dr. E's last day at this practice is the 5th...the end of that week. What?!?
Find out Sarah did get into a charter school...we have to research it...this is after already getting her set up to attend the local public school...not the greatest of choices but at least she will be in somewhere.
I am at work and I hear a voice over the intercom describing a car that sounds just like mine and they say, "go to your car immediately"! I know this is bad...nothing good comes from these words LOL...sure enough...the passenger window is smashed...glass everywhere...I cut myself and get glass slivers trying to clean the glass out of the car...and almost $200 out of pocket to replace it...have a bad experience with making the police report...that sucked...the people stole our registration and insurance information...
Next up...Heather starts getting sick....again....as I am getting better...shaking head...MAN!
Josh...is still in Stanford....still draining from the surgery...still there...in a lot of pain...and having his pain meds reduced...and now...they want to do a second surgery on him...to remove the sack one of his lungs is in and scrape the inside of his chest to make the lung attach to the chest wall....so he will stop the drain. You have GOT to be kidding!?!?! Hasn't this kid been through enough?
Just to catch anyone up who might be interested LOL...I am tired. Next up? More medical adventures and fund raising...the hockey game with the Stockton Thunder...
And tomorrow...Heather goes to see the new Dr...the one we don't know...alone...because I can't go...this is the first time she has had to go to a Dr. appointment in 2 pregnancies where I will not be there....argh!
Babe...I love you...crazy life...never boring...whew....welp...breathe....there we are :)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
First 2010 post...
So...a new year is upon us and here we are in 2010. I still feel the same way I did in my last post although I will say I have finished my 3000 hours for my license and gathered my paperwork, paid my money, and await the decision of the BBS (Board of Behavioral Sciences). What are they deciding? They are deciding whether or not I have completed everything needed in order to move forward and get on to the testing faze of this pursuit. If they write back and say yeaup!...you have done everything you need to do to test...then I will set up my first of two tests that I must pass to earn my license.
That is exciting stuff and I am relieved to be here at this point. I am hopeful that I will be allowed to pass and go forward to test. I know that something like this isn't everything in the world...but it sure would mean a lot to me. So here's to crossing fingers and toes...crossing my eyes as I look at my nose...and hopefully...get to move on to the next stage.
I still feel the same way as I did in the last post...maybe even more so...but I have not moved forward musically. I did see another orthopedist and he wanted to give me the same shot in the same hand...or do surgery. Hmm....scary...
I spent half of yesterday sitting in the ICU of Stanford because my son Joshua is in there. He is very ill and they are really putting pressure on him to make a decision about having a double lung transplant. His numbers are not good and he could use prayer and lots of it. Thank you if you have already been putting in time as one of his prayer warriors.
I will go back up to see him tomorrow...I hate...absolutely hate...watching what is going on with him...it makes me sick and feels like I am powerless to help...I know that's not completely true...attitude is everything...but it is very very...very hard to watch your child suffer and deteriorate...and not be able to fix his needs...even financially...because if he does have the transplant...he and his wife will need to live within 20 minutes of the hospital and not leave because of the possibilities of and logistics of getting to the hospital once there is a donor...which brings up the fact that he is waiting on someone else to die in order for him to live...I don't know how to feel about that...I know it is a natural process and we can't do anything about his deterioration on some level...but it is still a harsh reality.
There is a wide range of things that trouble me...my daughter who also has CF...and how is she feelings watching her big brother go through this and relating to it...and wondering about her future...and her health...my four year old daughter Sarah and how she will deal with this process as it progresses. My oldest son Jake who keeps his emotions buried so that he doesn't really have to deal with how he really feels about his brother and his sister and what is going on with each of them...my wife Heather and how all this affects her, knowing that it takes a huge toll...and my own feelings which are jumbled and strong...over the top and often sudden and out of nowhere. And all of this is the short and in my face list...not mentioning my job, our financial mess, my license pursuit, my feelings about my music, my stress, other family, friends, and on trying to find it's place in my attention and I am struggling with it all. So what now?
So here we are.
That is exciting stuff and I am relieved to be here at this point. I am hopeful that I will be allowed to pass and go forward to test. I know that something like this isn't everything in the world...but it sure would mean a lot to me. So here's to crossing fingers and toes...crossing my eyes as I look at my nose...and hopefully...get to move on to the next stage.
I still feel the same way as I did in the last post...maybe even more so...but I have not moved forward musically. I did see another orthopedist and he wanted to give me the same shot in the same hand...or do surgery. Hmm....scary...
I spent half of yesterday sitting in the ICU of Stanford because my son Joshua is in there. He is very ill and they are really putting pressure on him to make a decision about having a double lung transplant. His numbers are not good and he could use prayer and lots of it. Thank you if you have already been putting in time as one of his prayer warriors.
I will go back up to see him tomorrow...I hate...absolutely hate...watching what is going on with him...it makes me sick and feels like I am powerless to help...I know that's not completely true...attitude is everything...but it is very very...very hard to watch your child suffer and deteriorate...and not be able to fix his needs...even financially...because if he does have the transplant...he and his wife will need to live within 20 minutes of the hospital and not leave because of the possibilities of and logistics of getting to the hospital once there is a donor...which brings up the fact that he is waiting on someone else to die in order for him to live...I don't know how to feel about that...I know it is a natural process and we can't do anything about his deterioration on some level...but it is still a harsh reality.
There is a wide range of things that trouble me...my daughter who also has CF...and how is she feelings watching her big brother go through this and relating to it...and wondering about her future...and her health...my four year old daughter Sarah and how she will deal with this process as it progresses. My oldest son Jake who keeps his emotions buried so that he doesn't really have to deal with how he really feels about his brother and his sister and what is going on with each of them...my wife Heather and how all this affects her, knowing that it takes a huge toll...and my own feelings which are jumbled and strong...over the top and often sudden and out of nowhere. And all of this is the short and in my face list...not mentioning my job, our financial mess, my license pursuit, my feelings about my music, my stress, other family, friends, and on trying to find it's place in my attention and I am struggling with it all. So what now?
So here we are.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Where do I go from here?
I wish I knew where I fell off the path in my life...took a left turn that was subtle...not a pivot at the time...just a step...and then another....and then another. Where I am now I sometimes don't recognize. How the heck did I get here? I'm not sure where I put things down and picked other things up...wandering in my own dark forest...looking...searching...for something...for balance...for self...for freedom...
There was a point in my life where playing music was hard for me because I felt like a failure. I beat myself up over it all the time and everytime I played it was a reminder...I never stopped playing...I kept my chops up...but I became emotionally cut off...so I switched my emotional release to art...and drawing...I worked for 3 years to develop that skill...and this was where I was able to take that...
I am chasing a license to practice as a marriage and family therapist and in order to do that I have to complete 3,000 hours as an intern. As of today...I have only 50 hours left to go. I am so close I can taste it...and yet...even as I close in on my goal...I feel like I am fulfilling only part of who I am or what I offer. I have more to give...and utilize...more to offer...more to explore...
What do I expect of myself? Why do I yearn for so much more...am I being realistic?
I've spent sooo much of my life playing guitar...playing music...and currently I am hiding from it...but every time I pick up a guitar...today...this afternoon...night before last...and I listen...my words...my notes...my music...my life...I am there...and I speak...
What the hell did I let go of? I am pissed off about it...hurt by it...twisted by it...and it is of my own doing.
Now...my hands hurt...and putting my hands on her...my old friend...my other wife or mistress...the one whom I share all my intimacies with...all my emotions bared...and who doesn't judge me...but partners with me to bring God's work forth...His gift....to me...through my hands...through the wood...and the steel...to my ears...and others hearts...to the world...this is THE only place...where my hands don't hurt as much.
Last May...a doctor...an orthopedist...diagnosed me with carpel tunnel...and I have it in both hands...gave me a shot in my left palm....that hurt like hell...and then he sent me to a neurologist...who tested me...who confirmed...yeup...carpel tunnel...you got it...both hands...right hand is worse...but it is my left that has more pain...a trigger finger with my middle finger...and I am certain that it has to do with using the old, outdated, computer systems and non-ergonomic desks at my workplace...because that is where I have the most pain...not at home...not playing the guitar...actually playing is the one place...the only place...that actually relieves my pain...both physically and emotionally...spiritually...using whatever level of gift God has given me...
I am not saying that I am the most talented or gifted...but there is something there...something that is beyond little old me...something more...because I feel it...feel Him...when I play.
I am a father...I am a teacher...I am a mentor...I am a therapist and counselor...I am a business owner...I am an artist...I am a photographer...I am a writer....I am a philosopher...I am a student...I am more than all these things...but all that said and done...I am a guitarist...I am a musician...I am called to it...it speaks to me...it calls me...and frankly...I am not heeding the call...and I feel the lessened for it...I feel the tear in my heart and soul...it pulls at my spirit...and I know...I know...
There was a point in my life where playing music was hard for me because I felt like a failure. I beat myself up over it all the time and everytime I played it was a reminder...I never stopped playing...I kept my chops up...but I became emotionally cut off...so I switched my emotional release to art...and drawing...I worked for 3 years to develop that skill...and this was where I was able to take that...
But....
Whatever else I am....whatever else I can do...at heart...I am a guitarist...and I am a musician...even if it isn't how I make my living today...this is who I am...but almost no one knows it...only those that are closest to me...and only those that are truly closest to me...have heard MY music...know my voice from those strings...and I question why haven't I believed my contribution is worth it? Why am I not enough?
I hear songs on the radio that sound like things I have already written...listen to guitar solos that sound as if I could have played them...even before they have been put out...I was playing similar pieces...that was part of how I knew I was headed in the right direction musically...
I may not be the greatest...but I am no worse than those that the world listens to...those that are out there...those that everyone...including myself...admire...and yet...here I am...an unknown...unimportant...unnoticed...I will not be remembered...not for my music...which is such a HUGE part of who I am...and not even my family will remember...will know...there is something fundamentally wrong with that...I think...
Maybe I can't make the world stand up and listen...maybe I will never have the attention and validation I crave publicly...but my kids should know me...they should know who their father could have been...
My daughter in law...Breanna...said to me a year ago or less...and this is someone I have known now for 10 years at least..."I never got to see you play...I mean with a band...I know you play rock and roll and blues...but I have never seen it...I've never heard it"...she is my son's wife...and she has never even seen what I can do...who I am...she hears me play my acoustic guitars...but has no clue as to what I am capable of musically...for goodness sakes...for someone that has invested most of their life's desire in the pursuit of musical recognition...and to have nothing to show for it...there is something really....really...wrong with that...and it makes me look at something I hate to see in myself...I quit. I gave up. I let the dream drift over me...like a warm summer's breeze...to quote a song I like LOL...and I sit here tonight missing it...and regretting...
So where do I go from here? Pursue another career...I am doing that...concentrate on becoming a better dad and husband...I am doing that too...search for balance in my life....I am working on that front as well. But those things just aren't healing my heart. I miss who I was trying to be...who I aspired to be...and I know...I let myself down...I let my dream drift away from me...and I am poorer for it. The bigger question is though...
Where do I go from here?
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I was jez thinking...
Anytime I stop long enough to think about it...I see my life and environment as supportive...but also volatile...and while I know that in times where things are going well...I think it is fitting that my thoughts and focus remain on those things positive in my life...I also know that when there come those times where things are not going the best they can be...in those moments...I tend to try to stay focused on those things that are healthy. I am not nearly as concerned about right or wrong....good or bad...as much as I am concerned about healthy...
In my life...especially in my work...I see a lot of unhealthy...but I am there to try to help people help themselves so it makes sense to me that I work at keeping my focus on my own balance and trying to stay healthy...and in the spirit of this sentiment...I write tonight...though yawning and dead tired...I guess I am looking to reach out and get myself out here...it's been awhile.
Seems to be a theme for me...a good deal of time goes by and then I write again...hmm...wonder if that is healthy or not LOL...
Lately I have been killer busy...racking up a lot of countable hours at work...as of today I have less than 130 hours left of the 3,000 to go in this chase for my license...and it feels great....but I am tired and this work is hard. There are so many folks having hard times...it really is hard to believe how tough things are. But that's what keeps me in business I guess.
I am worried about my kids...all four of them...for different reasons of course...but they weigh on my mind...it's hard not to worry about them...but it actually helps me to relate to the parents I counsel...and keeps me humble...so it is OK that I think about them all the time and worry about them...pray for them...that's what we dads do...
I guess that is the foundation of it all really isn't it? As stressed out as I sometimes get...and we all do...I love my bubbies...from 27 to 4 they are all my heart and I love them always...
I love you guys...with all my heart.
In my life...especially in my work...I see a lot of unhealthy...but I am there to try to help people help themselves so it makes sense to me that I work at keeping my focus on my own balance and trying to stay healthy...and in the spirit of this sentiment...I write tonight...though yawning and dead tired...I guess I am looking to reach out and get myself out here...it's been awhile.
Seems to be a theme for me...a good deal of time goes by and then I write again...hmm...wonder if that is healthy or not LOL...
Lately I have been killer busy...racking up a lot of countable hours at work...as of today I have less than 130 hours left of the 3,000 to go in this chase for my license...and it feels great....but I am tired and this work is hard. There are so many folks having hard times...it really is hard to believe how tough things are. But that's what keeps me in business I guess.
I am worried about my kids...all four of them...for different reasons of course...but they weigh on my mind...it's hard not to worry about them...but it actually helps me to relate to the parents I counsel...and keeps me humble...so it is OK that I think about them all the time and worry about them...pray for them...that's what we dads do...
I guess that is the foundation of it all really isn't it? As stressed out as I sometimes get...and we all do...I love my bubbies...from 27 to 4 they are all my heart and I love them always...
I love you guys...with all my heart.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Wrong number...
This blog is a little different but I felt like I just needed to share...and for some maybe warn a bit...
I know that most everyone is aware of what some people do with the cameras in their cell phones and texting...and as long as they are consenting adults...hey...it's a free country...have fun if that appeals to ya...go for it...but...one suggestion here...make sure you dial the right number when sending private photos...because one digit off...and you could be sharing yourself with anyone out there.
I was the recipient of one of these types of texts...four actually...three pics and a follow up question...Hmm says me....
Last Wednesday I am minding my own business driving Sarah home from swimming class and my phone starts going off...blowing up...and I wondered what was going on...is Heather trying to get a hold of me or is someone in trouble or what....
I was close to home so I just waited until I pulled in the driveway...I didn't want to be checking text messages while driving...and as I am getting out to go around the car and get Sarah out...I open it up and WHOA! Who is she...she sure looks like she is having fun and all...but why am I WHOA! close up...um...why am I getting this?!?...WHOA! even closer...yikes! Of course this stops me in my tracks....before I get to where Sarah is in the car and get her out...I can't have this open on my phone around her...I click the next one and it is just a question that is something like...hope you like...send me one of yours....or whatever...and I am thrown...WTF?!?
I get out of the texting part of my phone so that Sarah won't see anything she shouldn't...and get Sarah inside and send her to get her swim suit off and go in to show Heather what just came over my phone...she looked and started deleting and asking me questions...LOL...and I told her what had happened...
Now a few things occurred to me here. I don't have any idea who this is...in the pics one could see everything there is to see...except her face...and so I have no idea...who they are...how old they are...who they are trying to send this to...why I got it...and then it occurs to me...this might not be coming from the girl in the pics...it might be coming from some guy who is sharing photos of someone he has been with...whatever...and he is trying to share this with a buddy or whatever...
I dunno...Heather deleted 3 and I deleted the last one and we talked a bit about it...but I gotta tell ya...there is a part of this that really bothered me.
One...I didn't want my wife thinking that I had anything to do with receiving these pics...it was random and nothing like this has ever happened to me before. That's why I showed her myself and talked to her about it because I didn't want her to see anything and come questioning me...thinking I did anything wrong.
Two...I don't know the age of the person and thinking that it could have been a minor makes me sick to my stomach...not only for seeing it but for the person in the pic as well as her parents.
Third...if this was some guy spreading pics of a girl that let him take pics of her so that he could share them with his buddies...at least without her knowing...I know some people do it...but it isn't respectful to her...not cool...
Maybe none of this was the case...maybe the girl was sending something of herself to a boyfriend or spouse...trying to spice things up...maybe...actually...I hope so...but the other possibilities bother me....and I felt bad for her because I know I wasn't the person she meant to see those pics...I am thinking...it was a wrong number.
DOH! LOLOL...Yikes!
So for those that text...be careful opening up things from a number that you don't recognize...like Forrest Gump said...ya never know what you're gonna get...and secondly...parents...of kids that have cell phones...with texting and a camera...take a look through your kids' phones regularly...make sure they aren't doing anything like this...talk to them about it...even if they are in college...talk to your kids about this...cause...welp....they never know who is looking in on what they send out...especially if it is a wrong number or on someone else's phone...and they send it out to share without her knowledge...even if they "think" they can "trust" that person.
Things that me ya go Hmm...
DOH! LOL...
I know that most everyone is aware of what some people do with the cameras in their cell phones and texting...and as long as they are consenting adults...hey...it's a free country...have fun if that appeals to ya...go for it...but...one suggestion here...make sure you dial the right number when sending private photos...because one digit off...and you could be sharing yourself with anyone out there.
I was the recipient of one of these types of texts...four actually...three pics and a follow up question...Hmm says me....
Last Wednesday I am minding my own business driving Sarah home from swimming class and my phone starts going off...blowing up...and I wondered what was going on...is Heather trying to get a hold of me or is someone in trouble or what....
I was close to home so I just waited until I pulled in the driveway...I didn't want to be checking text messages while driving...and as I am getting out to go around the car and get Sarah out...I open it up and WHOA! Who is she...she sure looks like she is having fun and all...but why am I WHOA! close up...um...why am I getting this?!?...WHOA! even closer...yikes! Of course this stops me in my tracks....before I get to where Sarah is in the car and get her out...I can't have this open on my phone around her...I click the next one and it is just a question that is something like...hope you like...send me one of yours....or whatever...and I am thrown...WTF?!?
I get out of the texting part of my phone so that Sarah won't see anything she shouldn't...and get Sarah inside and send her to get her swim suit off and go in to show Heather what just came over my phone...she looked and started deleting and asking me questions...LOL...and I told her what had happened...
Now a few things occurred to me here. I don't have any idea who this is...in the pics one could see everything there is to see...except her face...and so I have no idea...who they are...how old they are...who they are trying to send this to...why I got it...and then it occurs to me...this might not be coming from the girl in the pics...it might be coming from some guy who is sharing photos of someone he has been with...whatever...and he is trying to share this with a buddy or whatever...
I dunno...Heather deleted 3 and I deleted the last one and we talked a bit about it...but I gotta tell ya...there is a part of this that really bothered me.
One...I didn't want my wife thinking that I had anything to do with receiving these pics...it was random and nothing like this has ever happened to me before. That's why I showed her myself and talked to her about it because I didn't want her to see anything and come questioning me...thinking I did anything wrong.
Two...I don't know the age of the person and thinking that it could have been a minor makes me sick to my stomach...not only for seeing it but for the person in the pic as well as her parents.
Third...if this was some guy spreading pics of a girl that let him take pics of her so that he could share them with his buddies...at least without her knowing...I know some people do it...but it isn't respectful to her...not cool...
Maybe none of this was the case...maybe the girl was sending something of herself to a boyfriend or spouse...trying to spice things up...maybe...actually...I hope so...but the other possibilities bother me....and I felt bad for her because I know I wasn't the person she meant to see those pics...I am thinking...it was a wrong number.
DOH! LOLOL...Yikes!
So for those that text...be careful opening up things from a number that you don't recognize...like Forrest Gump said...ya never know what you're gonna get...and secondly...parents...of kids that have cell phones...with texting and a camera...take a look through your kids' phones regularly...make sure they aren't doing anything like this...talk to them about it...even if they are in college...talk to your kids about this...cause...welp....they never know who is looking in on what they send out...especially if it is a wrong number or on someone else's phone...and they send it out to share without her knowledge...even if they "think" they can "trust" that person.
Things that me ya go Hmm...
DOH! LOL...
Saturday, July 11, 2009
My old friend...
I picked up my guitar last night for the first time in awhile and I started going through riffs and scales warming my hands up. Since I was diagnosed with carpel tunnel in May I have been more hesitant to pick it up since the Dr and the nurse at the office there kept telling me that playing guitar contributes and with some can even cause carpel tunnel. Personally I think that it wasn't playing guitar that did this to me. It "might" have been a contributing factor...I'll give ya that...but I think "the cause" is the computer work I do at my job. I have had this job for a year and a half now...and during that time...I have had many periods of pain while sitting at my cube that caused me to get up and walk away from the desk. It hurts.
As I played and got re-familiar with my neck and fretboard I started to notice things. It's kinda like any other kind of workout...when you are just starting to do your warm up with any kind of exercise, your mind kinda has the tendency to drift and you do certain things by rote. As you attention returns...if you are paying attention....you start picking up on certain things...form...the way things feel...the fact that you are doing things on autopilot instead of thinking things through...the tone...
As I meandered through several things I started to experiment and fool around. I can't say it was truly creative or productive but I will say it brought me back to a place I need to be. I started to feel as I was playing. Ahh...I remember this...my best friend...my old friend...the wood...the steel...this fretboard...I can play one note...and I could cry...or I could fill with joy...
This is an important point because I can play whole passages of music...including music I have written...with no thought or emotional tie to it because I have played it for so long...my hands just do this by physical memory and I fly through things unattached...personal note here...I hate it when I do this...there is no emotion and it is purely structured ritualism...going through a motion...and this is something I dislike doing...but I will say it is natural and normal...and every artist knows exactly what I am describing...especially musicians...because it is common...but I don't like it. It's like just phoning it in...and I try never to do this while performing...but when practicing...it isn't uncommon to slip into that space.
When there...personally...I need to pull myself out of it because music...specifically...and art...generally...is about being creative and expressing emotional output and feeling.
If you ain't feeling it then you ain't playing it right.
So somehow I wondered over to one of my songs...and I started humming along to it as I played...and I was stirring inside. After playing this way for a short while...I went to get my binder and pulled out my lyrics and started to play my songs in earnest. I played one song after another...singing...playing...feeling.
It's been awhile since I have done this and it felt really good. As I played I was listening at the same time...and as I listened...I found myself reconnecting with my own music...with my own art. Now...most of my music...very few people have ever heard. My wife...knows a good deal of it...my children to varying degrees...are familiar with at least some of it...Harmony probably knows my songs better than my sons since she has lived with me and been present in the most recent years. Some of the stuff is old...some is not. However I feel bad because none of this has been recorded...old and newer...and I need to get this stuff recorded just for posterity's sake if nothing else. I want to be able to gift it to my kids...so that they can remember...
I don't know if anyone else will ever hear my music. I am not so sure anyone would care...
As I listened to the songs myself...I kept feeling it and thinking...this stuff is pretty good...I don't know about my renditions of it LOLOL...but the songs are pretty good. The ideas are there. Then as I play and sing I think about where some of the songs came from...different people in my life...and I started thinking about how others might relate to what I am saying in some of these songs...how some people have related to my songs in the past...and it started occurring to me that...as personal as my music is to me...it will mean different things to different people and I started seeing how things that I've written could be taken in by other people...and they would make their own meanings to the music.
Then I remembered a conversation that I had with a very good friend of mine...Tracy...many many years ago...sitting at a food joint...I told him that I wanted to get my music out to people...without even putting my name on it...so that the focus is the music and not me...and I had a flood of these memories come back...feelings and impressions...desires...hopes and dreams...and a reconnect...for me...with my artist inside.
I could certainly use extra income...we are really tight and the stress is high over finances in our home...we both have jobs and we have a side photography business...but I am always looking for ways for us to help ourselves out of the financial bind that we are in...the business man in me wants to make money from my hard work...but I sometimes...often times....wonder...if anyone would care or be interested in my art...I often doubt it...but it does make me wonder...the artist in me is starved for the pats on the back...the attention....but my heart and soul is about moving people and helping others...and in that...it makes me wonder if my music could help...could my music move people?....could my music move you?
It moves me...so maybe...just maybe...it might be bigger than me...
As I played and got re-familiar with my neck and fretboard I started to notice things. It's kinda like any other kind of workout...when you are just starting to do your warm up with any kind of exercise, your mind kinda has the tendency to drift and you do certain things by rote. As you attention returns...if you are paying attention....you start picking up on certain things...form...the way things feel...the fact that you are doing things on autopilot instead of thinking things through...the tone...
As I meandered through several things I started to experiment and fool around. I can't say it was truly creative or productive but I will say it brought me back to a place I need to be. I started to feel as I was playing. Ahh...I remember this...my best friend...my old friend...the wood...the steel...this fretboard...I can play one note...and I could cry...or I could fill with joy...
This is an important point because I can play whole passages of music...including music I have written...with no thought or emotional tie to it because I have played it for so long...my hands just do this by physical memory and I fly through things unattached...personal note here...I hate it when I do this...there is no emotion and it is purely structured ritualism...going through a motion...and this is something I dislike doing...but I will say it is natural and normal...and every artist knows exactly what I am describing...especially musicians...because it is common...but I don't like it. It's like just phoning it in...and I try never to do this while performing...but when practicing...it isn't uncommon to slip into that space.
When there...personally...I need to pull myself out of it because music...specifically...and art...generally...is about being creative and expressing emotional output and feeling.
If you ain't feeling it then you ain't playing it right.
So somehow I wondered over to one of my songs...and I started humming along to it as I played...and I was stirring inside. After playing this way for a short while...I went to get my binder and pulled out my lyrics and started to play my songs in earnest. I played one song after another...singing...playing...feeling.
It's been awhile since I have done this and it felt really good. As I played I was listening at the same time...and as I listened...I found myself reconnecting with my own music...with my own art. Now...most of my music...very few people have ever heard. My wife...knows a good deal of it...my children to varying degrees...are familiar with at least some of it...Harmony probably knows my songs better than my sons since she has lived with me and been present in the most recent years. Some of the stuff is old...some is not. However I feel bad because none of this has been recorded...old and newer...and I need to get this stuff recorded just for posterity's sake if nothing else. I want to be able to gift it to my kids...so that they can remember...
I don't know if anyone else will ever hear my music. I am not so sure anyone would care...
As I listened to the songs myself...I kept feeling it and thinking...this stuff is pretty good...I don't know about my renditions of it LOLOL...but the songs are pretty good. The ideas are there. Then as I play and sing I think about where some of the songs came from...different people in my life...and I started thinking about how others might relate to what I am saying in some of these songs...how some people have related to my songs in the past...and it started occurring to me that...as personal as my music is to me...it will mean different things to different people and I started seeing how things that I've written could be taken in by other people...and they would make their own meanings to the music.
Then I remembered a conversation that I had with a very good friend of mine...Tracy...many many years ago...sitting at a food joint...I told him that I wanted to get my music out to people...without even putting my name on it...so that the focus is the music and not me...and I had a flood of these memories come back...feelings and impressions...desires...hopes and dreams...and a reconnect...for me...with my artist inside.
I could certainly use extra income...we are really tight and the stress is high over finances in our home...we both have jobs and we have a side photography business...but I am always looking for ways for us to help ourselves out of the financial bind that we are in...the business man in me wants to make money from my hard work...but I sometimes...often times....wonder...if anyone would care or be interested in my art...I often doubt it...but it does make me wonder...the artist in me is starved for the pats on the back...the attention....but my heart and soul is about moving people and helping others...and in that...it makes me wonder if my music could help...could my music move people?....could my music move you?
It moves me...so maybe...just maybe...it might be bigger than me...
Sunday, July 5, 2009
One wedding, one moving out, one job loss, & one possible transplant...
Today is a good day...and a sad day...for me.
I had the honor of walking my little girl down the isle yesterday...watching her wed her love and taking a huge step into adulthood. I woke up this morning feeling the absence of her in our home and wishing it weren't so...and yet...happy for my little girl....who is not a little girl anymore...she is an adult embarking on her life...with hope and expectation. She worked very hard yesterday making sure everything was getting done and was out there in the morning working in the sun to ensure a good evening. She had fun and she worked hard...what more could a parent ask for...I was very proud of her. I am very proud of her. She is a grown woman and she is a good woman.
My son...Joshua...officiated the ceremony and he did an amazing job. He was nervous but well prepared and made us laugh and cry and think. He took on the honor of doing this for Harmony very seriously and he took on the commitment with passion. He also did this with a sense of humor and humility. I was proud of him. He is a good man.
My son Jacob was there to celebrate with us and acted as a witness for Harmony...signing his good name to say that he was there and supported his sister...even when he didn't feel well and he is going through a very tough time in his life right now. He was present and participated and laughed...and made others smile. He was in the moment and present. I am proud of him...he is a good brother and son....he is a good man.
Sarah was so cute...running around blowing bubbles and playing with Bella and another little girl close to Bella's age...taking pictures of everyone in the crowd with her Dora camera...enjoying the crowd and the day...taking full advantage of being a kid and being the oldest of the little girls who kept following her...never slowing down and laughing all the day through...especially...when her brothers, her new brother in law, and his friends and family started this cacophony of fart noises with the neon colored putty in a jar called Flarp! which sounded very much like Blazing Saddles when they sat around the campfire eating beans. Heather bought a case of these things at the dollar store so that everyone could join in the fun. Sarah was in the moment and had a blast...she kept saying...that's disgusting!...pphhhtt!...LOL...she was very good with the kids younger than she...I was very proud of her. She is a very good girl.
Breanna...Joshua's wife...was very supportive and present in the moment. She supported Josh and took care of Zeus...their big dog...so that Josh could focus on what he was there to do. I was proud of her and she is a good woman. My son is blessed to have her as a wife and in his life and I am very happy that she is there with him.
Alicia...Jacob's partner and long time girlfriend...did a fantastic job of making the cake, red white and blue complete with an American flag fitting for the occasion, and being there, being present, and having a good time. I was proud of her and she is a good woman. My son is blessed to have her in his life and as his partner and I am very happy that she is there with him.
Brian...my new son in law...has been a big help in getting ready for the day...he mowed our front and back lawn twice in preparation for the upcoming day...no small feat since our back yard alone is 70' x 70'. He was out there helping yesterday morning and he helped me get my P. A. gear from storage and I greatly appreciated that. He manned up and he is trying to do right by my daughter and I appreciate that more than he knows...I was proud of him. He is a good man. My daughter is blessed to have him as a husband and in her life and I am very happy that he is there with her.
Heather worked very hard and long to make the day special for Harmony...trying to take care of me...thinking about Jacob and wanted to make sure he felt included...thinking about Joshua and supporting what he needed to do...trying to keep people on task while being a good Mommy to Sarah as well...she put out a lot of effort and I noticed...and appreciated it...she did good...ya did good buttercup! I was proud of her...and she is a good woman. I am glad to have her in my life...in our lives.
Harmony's mom Sandy and her husband Mark were here in the morning working on the back yard and putting in long hot hours and hard work helping out and getting everything prepared...and they did a great job. I was so grateful for their help and effort. Everything looked wonderful and things went off well. I was proud of their teamwork and they are good people. Thank you guys for your efforts.
Kymn was there with bells on and camera in hand...snapping pics and catching the moments during the ceremony so that we could focus more on what was happening...we took some pics and video anyway but it was so nice not to "HAVE TO"...and we could focus on Harmony and what the event was all about...we both appreciate her efforts and we are blessed to have had her help. Thank you so much for being there and helping us out...as well as your spicy turkey.
Both families seemed to get along and have a good time. Brian's dad serenaded the group after the ceremony with a couple of songs on his acoustic guitar and harmonica. Heather took pictures and I took videos...and everyone mingled and then got to the buffet table and got down to the food. I cranked up the music through my P. A. and we all had a good time. We created a nice time but more importantly a great memory.
We capped off the night with conversation with Josh as everyone dwindled away and went off on their own ways...saying goodbye to Harmony was hard...and it signified the end of an era for us...for me...the youngest of my earlier set of kids...has officially moved out....and moved on. That was hard. That still is hard.
The conversation with Josh hit a lot of areas but a good deal of it was about his recent trip to Stanford and what the Cystic Fibrosis Dr's and transplant team there told him, his recent positive test for TB, and what he plans on doing with his life if he actually has the surgery. I feel like my life is surreal and I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around everything...it is all so much.
How come I seem to have to have the great...side by side with the crappy and scary....I mean really...can't it just be one good day...and leave it at that? WTF?
I am tired of being scared and worried...I do have faith in God and God has blessed me immeasurably. He has blessed me and blessed my family....but damn...it is sometimes exhausting...the push and pull of emotion and the conditionality of it all...
Maybe I am whining...but it is how I feel...and that is real.
It would be nice to have a day where I don't have to be reminded how close I am to having my whole world turned upside down...where I can celebrate without any negativity or negative feeling.
I know some will read that statement and say Hmm...it is all a choice...and I guess that's true...but I would invite you to stand in my shoes and look through my eyes for a minute before too much judgement against me. I feel like I am a positive person...I make a very concerted effort to stay positive in my life...but dangitall...come on!...LOL.
Life is indeed good...I just wish I felt better about all this. It is tough...and I would be lying if I said otherwise.
PS....we missed you guys...shell and Tracy....G & Walt...I'm sorry you guys couldn't be here...you were missed...and I hope things get better for each of you guys. I know things are tough...I hear ya ;)
God bless this mess...
I had the honor of walking my little girl down the isle yesterday...watching her wed her love and taking a huge step into adulthood. I woke up this morning feeling the absence of her in our home and wishing it weren't so...and yet...happy for my little girl....who is not a little girl anymore...she is an adult embarking on her life...with hope and expectation. She worked very hard yesterday making sure everything was getting done and was out there in the morning working in the sun to ensure a good evening. She had fun and she worked hard...what more could a parent ask for...I was very proud of her. I am very proud of her. She is a grown woman and she is a good woman.
My son...Joshua...officiated the ceremony and he did an amazing job. He was nervous but well prepared and made us laugh and cry and think. He took on the honor of doing this for Harmony very seriously and he took on the commitment with passion. He also did this with a sense of humor and humility. I was proud of him. He is a good man.
My son Jacob was there to celebrate with us and acted as a witness for Harmony...signing his good name to say that he was there and supported his sister...even when he didn't feel well and he is going through a very tough time in his life right now. He was present and participated and laughed...and made others smile. He was in the moment and present. I am proud of him...he is a good brother and son....he is a good man.
Sarah was so cute...running around blowing bubbles and playing with Bella and another little girl close to Bella's age...taking pictures of everyone in the crowd with her Dora camera...enjoying the crowd and the day...taking full advantage of being a kid and being the oldest of the little girls who kept following her...never slowing down and laughing all the day through...especially...when her brothers, her new brother in law, and his friends and family started this cacophony of fart noises with the neon colored putty in a jar called Flarp! which sounded very much like Blazing Saddles when they sat around the campfire eating beans. Heather bought a case of these things at the dollar store so that everyone could join in the fun. Sarah was in the moment and had a blast...she kept saying...that's disgusting!...pphhhtt!...LOL...she was very good with the kids younger than she...I was very proud of her. She is a very good girl.
Breanna...Joshua's wife...was very supportive and present in the moment. She supported Josh and took care of Zeus...their big dog...so that Josh could focus on what he was there to do. I was proud of her and she is a good woman. My son is blessed to have her as a wife and in his life and I am very happy that she is there with him.
Alicia...Jacob's partner and long time girlfriend...did a fantastic job of making the cake, red white and blue complete with an American flag fitting for the occasion, and being there, being present, and having a good time. I was proud of her and she is a good woman. My son is blessed to have her in his life and as his partner and I am very happy that she is there with him.
Brian...my new son in law...has been a big help in getting ready for the day...he mowed our front and back lawn twice in preparation for the upcoming day...no small feat since our back yard alone is 70' x 70'. He was out there helping yesterday morning and he helped me get my P. A. gear from storage and I greatly appreciated that. He manned up and he is trying to do right by my daughter and I appreciate that more than he knows...I was proud of him. He is a good man. My daughter is blessed to have him as a husband and in her life and I am very happy that he is there with her.
Heather worked very hard and long to make the day special for Harmony...trying to take care of me...thinking about Jacob and wanted to make sure he felt included...thinking about Joshua and supporting what he needed to do...trying to keep people on task while being a good Mommy to Sarah as well...she put out a lot of effort and I noticed...and appreciated it...she did good...ya did good buttercup! I was proud of her...and she is a good woman. I am glad to have her in my life...in our lives.
Harmony's mom Sandy and her husband Mark were here in the morning working on the back yard and putting in long hot hours and hard work helping out and getting everything prepared...and they did a great job. I was so grateful for their help and effort. Everything looked wonderful and things went off well. I was proud of their teamwork and they are good people. Thank you guys for your efforts.
Kymn was there with bells on and camera in hand...snapping pics and catching the moments during the ceremony so that we could focus more on what was happening...we took some pics and video anyway but it was so nice not to "HAVE TO"...and we could focus on Harmony and what the event was all about...we both appreciate her efforts and we are blessed to have had her help. Thank you so much for being there and helping us out...as well as your spicy turkey.
Both families seemed to get along and have a good time. Brian's dad serenaded the group after the ceremony with a couple of songs on his acoustic guitar and harmonica. Heather took pictures and I took videos...and everyone mingled and then got to the buffet table and got down to the food. I cranked up the music through my P. A. and we all had a good time. We created a nice time but more importantly a great memory.
We capped off the night with conversation with Josh as everyone dwindled away and went off on their own ways...saying goodbye to Harmony was hard...and it signified the end of an era for us...for me...the youngest of my earlier set of kids...has officially moved out....and moved on. That was hard. That still is hard.
The conversation with Josh hit a lot of areas but a good deal of it was about his recent trip to Stanford and what the Cystic Fibrosis Dr's and transplant team there told him, his recent positive test for TB, and what he plans on doing with his life if he actually has the surgery. I feel like my life is surreal and I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around everything...it is all so much.
How come I seem to have to have the great...side by side with the crappy and scary....I mean really...can't it just be one good day...and leave it at that? WTF?
I am tired of being scared and worried...I do have faith in God and God has blessed me immeasurably. He has blessed me and blessed my family....but damn...it is sometimes exhausting...the push and pull of emotion and the conditionality of it all...
Maybe I am whining...but it is how I feel...and that is real.
It would be nice to have a day where I don't have to be reminded how close I am to having my whole world turned upside down...where I can celebrate without any negativity or negative feeling.
I know some will read that statement and say Hmm...it is all a choice...and I guess that's true...but I would invite you to stand in my shoes and look through my eyes for a minute before too much judgement against me. I feel like I am a positive person...I make a very concerted effort to stay positive in my life...but dangitall...come on!...LOL.
Life is indeed good...I just wish I felt better about all this. It is tough...and I would be lying if I said otherwise.
PS....we missed you guys...shell and Tracy....G & Walt...I'm sorry you guys couldn't be here...you were missed...and I hope things get better for each of you guys. I know things are tough...I hear ya ;)
God bless this mess...
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