And now for something completely different...

I do love Monty Python...

I just reread my last blog...amazingly indulgent...I must say...but I still feel good about it weeks later...so I think I am on the right path. Yeah G...I want it all too.

You know...sometimes I get lost in my own life...in myself...and that isn't such a good thing...although I do believe it isn't such a bad thing to have happen occasionally...but I for one certainly don't want to live there. I have been going about my life for the last few weeks...I haven't written...blogged...progressed much at all from that last blog...just living...experiencing...trying to move forward...and I feel like I have made a step or two in the right direction...things that I feel good about...but I do still feel the same...in a word...stuck.

I don't mean to sound negative because really...I'm not. But...I'm not really...truely...on a positive front either...I am kinda just stuck in a place...and feeling it. Deeply at this point.

I need to move on professionally from where I am at and I think that has me feeling a great void because I know I am not growing in my current placement. I am troubled by that...but I think I am troubled even more by my reluctance to move on...I am just staying there...why? I think because it is safe and comfortable...I have fallen into a groove and I have learned it...but I am not growing there...and not feeling like those there care about me or my needs...because I am meeting their purpose...even though I am not meeting my own...and that feels terribly stifling and lonely.

The hard part of that is I am in the caring profession so when those employing me don't...well...that is hard to accept...I keep hoping that things are different than they are...but it is just time passing...without the situation changing for me...so...I think I really need to move on...and even writing it is hard for me. Change can be hard...oh but change is sooo good...and I do learn from it and enjoy the new challenges...and I always do my best to make the best of it...I always learn tremendously...so why does it scare me so much? I guess it's because I have to let go of my safety and security...those things I find comfortable...and become uncomfortable for awhile.

But heck...why should I look at that as such a bad thing?...well I guess I don't exactly...just a scary thing...and scary can be bad...so maybe I was right in the first place...but I digress LOL...what's so great about being comfortable? What's so great about being safe and secure? There is a big part of that which I am adverse to in some ways because I like taking risks...I enjoy the edge...so why do I get so locked into this safety security thing...WOW that's weird to me...I feel like I am two different people...one holding on for dear life and the other pushing away from the edge to see what it will bring...I'm not sure how to reconcile these two halves of myself. To get my balance here...I need to have a bit of both I guess...

Balance...ahh balance...Do you ever find yourself asking these same questions? Am I alone here?

I have actually been writing about this for months...quite a bit of my blogs talk about the same things...just different angles...but the same subject...why is it so hard to take that leap of faith?

Change is a constant...something we can actually depend on...safety and security is an illusion...we are sitting atop a spinning rock hurling through space around a huge ball of gas which has ignited and sends us deadly radiation as well as warmth...with a thin layer of gas in our atmosphere that protects us from harm...all the while oblivious because some pop star drank too much the night before she performs at an awards show and the flying nun gets bleeped by another awards show..and finally....finally...OJ might actually go to jail for awhile. ManOman....What am I worried about?!? LOL.

Maybe....just maybe...it is my gut telling me to let it go...do what I need to do to be healthy and to go for it...instead of trying to hold on to my stupid illusion of the idea of being safe and secure. Maybe it is even God telling me in my gut....whispering....let go stupid!....OK....He probably wouldn't say stupid....LOL...but He might think it :)

I think I am being stupid...just get on with it already...get another job...build a business...get on with it and quit complaining...whine whine whine...have a little cheddar with that whine? Good grief....I think it's pretty bad when you make yourself sick LOLOL...