But seriously folks....

One thing after another....one foot in front of the other....living in a virtual treadmill...stress is as stress does...looking forward without looking back...just to keep myself on track...just like it aught to be...a blend of substance and insanity....

When did it happen that I brought myself to a place where the simple mention of...or a statement about...oh....just fill in the blank here....was enough to raise my blood pressure...send a signal to my brain that I should jump to an emotional response which is wholly inappropriate for the moment or situation...we call it "emotional reactivity" in the profession...and indulge and allow myself to reduce my behavior to....well....I guess one could say...being human....humph....

I really try to live my life and treat others in such a way that I can respect and feel good about...and I constantly find myself doing things that I didn't mean to go the way that they eventually end up...and I find myself repetitively having to diplomatically fix messes I have made...not major stuff usually...although we all have our moments...it is really annoying...and seriously consistent...which begs the question of me...will I ever get this stuff right?

OK...it is Oh-ficial!....I am a human being after all...in all my consistently honest fumbling bumbling and mind-numbingly self-admitted dim-witted well meaning slip ups...I still try to make things better...and sometimes I actually accomplish it...but through it all...I am who I am...consistantly...I am OK with it all...I work on bettering those things I can...and drive myself crazy occasionally...only to come back in balance...and find that even though I sometimes tank myself...I am valuable...I am worth something...I am lovable...I am likable...and I am loved.

And so it is...and so it goes...

Blahg, blahg, blahg...

Sometimes I think that the things I am discovering about myself aren't really new but somehow recycled ideas and views from earlier in my life and somehow regenerated into something I think is new...but really isn't. I think I am looking for something...searching for an idea or plan that will be a vehicle to get me where I "want to go"...yet...the idea of where that is....keeps changing...rearranging...evolving...expanding...and sometimes I feel like it is hard to keep up with myself.

Sometimes...I feel like I am chasing my own tail...and sometimes...I feel focused and in control...funny thing is...it is all an illusion...and none of it is really true except for in a moment...which is relieving...and frustrating LOL...all at the same time...

I guess I need to get back to my guitar...where things make sense...and I am connected to the greater universe...a place where my voice can be heard...even when there is no one around...and I can channel whatever creative energy is floating in my general vicinity at the moment...and play...as the wise Frank Zappa once said...."shut up and play yer guitar"! :)

I think I will...

Hindsight...

Last week I had a day of counseling that was great...and hard...but in the end...made me feel as if I made some kind of a difference in at least a couple of lives. I watched a person cry...and watched them literally feel the pain that they are in deep in their bones...over the apparent end of a marriage...this is someone who would traditionally never be one to express their emotions in this manner...and yet...here they were feeling...openly and deeply...

The thing about someone being able to express themselves in this manner...is that they release things...physically and emotionally...that can allow them to reach a point where forward motion is possible. It is through the pain that we are in that we find and learn our greatest lessons...and in doing so teach each other and remind ourselves of what we are really trying to do in this life.

I walked away from the experience feeling...first of all...which is a good thing...and secondly feeling hopeful that with some encouragement and some small guidance there will be...hopefully...some future forward motion for others because of my being there and hopefully...maybe...my words. I will not and can not take credit for their motion...but I will take credit for my being there and sharing the experience with them...and sharing some tools and guidance with them. But the progress they make is theirs and theirs alone to take credit for...and I like that...because they can own it...and it is right that they do...and it is right for me to celebrate their achievement with them.

Teacher learns twice...

Today I got to honor someone for doing the right thing in a moment where they did not feel like doing the right thing...because they were emotionally hurting...and someone else had said something that triggered them....but they got up and did what they knew was right. They showed someone respect even when they themself felt disrespected. So...I honored this person publicly for it. Afterwards...I honored them again...privately for it...so that I could make sure they had gotten the message...and it did them good...I could see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice.

It made me think about what I do...and the way that I do it. I travel down my path often thinking that what I do...the way that I do it...is not really that consequential...that although I do matter in the big picture...I sometimes am not making the impact I wish I could. Then I come upon a moment where I do something instinctively...because I feel I should in a moment...and then I step back and see the impact on someone else.

Maybe the impact will be lasting...maybe it is fleeting...I don't know...I may never know...but I know I made a difference in someones life tonight...and maybe several someones...and from that...I take away an impact with me...on me....it has impacted me and in my life. The impact that helping others has on me is something that I can not measure. I have tried to find a way to measure it...but have not found it yet. I just know...that when I tell someone else a truth...it comes back to me...teacher learns twice...and thank God for it...because I have sooo much to learn...there is soo much I don't know...we are all teachers...we are all counselors...we are all healers...we are all students...and I find myself hungry to learn...and be....more...

What it is...

I have this blog as a way to move through self discovery and personal growth...a way of seeking to know me in a deeper way...with a possibility of finding a thing or two out about the journey. I am wondering about moving through a couple of major changes in my life and I think this is a good way to track and work out how the process will go.

Everything has a process and this blog is a record and relation to the process that is me. I guess it is a way for me to figure out and search myself in an honest but also public way so that I can keep myself accountable.

I can't say that the honesty will be brutal or that I will disclose every thought or feeling...I would not be respecting my self or family if I was that brutal or open...I have seen what happens to those that do not respect themselves in this way and I will at all times try to keep my self respect intact. However I will be as honest as I can allow myself to be and I will be who I actually am...throughout. Hopefully in this commitment I will find a way to my deeper self through self disclosure. This is the hope...this is the process...this is the experiment....this is me.