Honestly...

Ya know, I am pretty sure that where ever one goes in life, the issues and problems one has is taken with them and that as much as it is a possibility to change for us...and we do change...we are still who we are underneath it all.

I say this because no matter how much good I try to do...and no matter how much changing I actually do...there is something out there...always...that is just waiting to rear it's ugly head and try to convince me that somehow or another...I am in some way screwing something up.

But my question is why does it always seem to be about deficiencies? I mean honestly...why is it that it is so easy to focus on the negative in our lives and relationships? It is truly a more unhealthy means of communicating and when we talk to each other in these kinds of ways we end up tearing each other down. So what is the point of it really? Frustration? Envy? Spite? Resentment? A general lack of our own self-esteem? Not being able to be more creative in our approach? What is it?

It is about fulfilling a need of some sort...I do know that much...but what the payoff is I am not sure. I guess it is different for each individual and even each situation. But honestly...it is tiring. I so want to focus on the good in my life. The positive stuff that helps me to keep on going. I mean really...why is that so hard to do?

I want to be honest. With myself and with everyone else. But honestly...I hurt people and scare people when I am totally honest...so...there ends up being some sort of a balance there...a filter. I will be honest...but not tell you everything necessarily...and then we can still be OK with each other. But honestly...that sucks.

I would much rather just tell you like it is...and then hear it back the same way from others...so that I can know what I need to work on...and give you the same...but not be told in some demeaning fashion...that is out of wanting to jab at me...but to help me change...in a way that supports and even facilitates change in me...it seems like people are so concerned with their own stuff...that we forget how we are making others feel when we tell them what we think...so where is the middle ground? Where does it become balanced? How do I balance my needs with those of others?

I guess these are the eternal questions...this is life...it is messy...and real...but it is what it is. Honestly...