Where do I go from here?

I wish I knew where I fell off the path in my life...took a left turn that was subtle...not a pivot at the time...just a step...and then another....and then another. Where I am now I sometimes don't recognize. How the heck did I get here? I'm not sure where I put things down and picked other things up...wandering in my own dark forest...looking...searching...for something...for balance...for self...for freedom...

I am chasing a license to practice as a marriage and family therapist and in order to do that I have to complete 3,000 hours as an intern. As of today...I have only 50 hours left to go. I am so close I can taste it...and yet...even as I close in on my goal...I feel like I am fulfilling only part of who I am or what I offer. I have more to give...and utilize...more to offer...more to explore...

What do I expect of myself? Why do I yearn for so much more...am I being realistic?

I've spent sooo much of my life playing guitar...playing music...and currently I am hiding from it...but every time I pick up a guitar...today...this afternoon...night before last...and I listen...my words...my notes...my music...my life...I am there...and I speak...

What the hell did I let go of? I am pissed off about it...hurt by it...twisted by it...and it is of my own doing.

Now...my hands hurt...and putting my hands on her...my old friend...my other wife or mistress...the one whom I share all my intimacies with...all my emotions bared...and who doesn't judge me...but partners with me to bring God's work forth...His gift....to me...through my hands...through the wood...and the steel...to my ears...and others hearts...to the world...this is THE only place...where my hands don't hurt as much.

Last May...a doctor...an orthopedist...diagnosed me with carpel tunnel...and I have it in both hands...gave me a shot in my left palm....that hurt like hell...and then he sent me to a neurologist...who tested me...who confirmed...yeup...carpel tunnel...you got it...both hands...right hand is worse...but it is my left that has more pain...a trigger finger with my middle finger...and I am certain that it has to do with using the old, outdated, computer systems and non-ergonomic desks at my workplace...because that is where I have the most pain...not at home...not playing the guitar...actually playing is the one place...the only place...that actually relieves my pain...both physically and emotionally...spiritually...using whatever level of gift God has given me...

I am not saying that I am the most talented or gifted...but there is something there...something that is beyond little old me...something more...because I feel it...feel Him...when I play.

I am a father...I am a teacher...I am a mentor...I am a therapist and counselor...I am a business owner...I am an artist...I am a photographer...I am a writer....I am a philosopher...I am a student...I am more than all these things...but all that said and done...I am a guitarist...I am a musician...I am called to it...it speaks to me...it calls me...and frankly...I am not heeding the call...and I feel the lessened for it...I feel the tear in my heart and soul...it pulls at my spirit...and I know...I know...

There was a point in my life where playing music was hard for me because I felt like a failure. I beat myself up over it all the time and everytime I played it was a reminder...I never stopped playing...I kept my chops up...but I became emotionally cut off...so I switched my emotional release to art...and drawing...I worked for 3 years to develop that skill...and this was where I was able to take that...

But....

Whatever else I am....whatever else I can do...at heart...I am a guitarist...and I am a musician...even if it isn't how I make my living today...this is who I am...but almost no one knows it...only those that are closest to me...and only those that are truly closest to me...have heard MY music...know my voice from those strings...and I question why haven't I believed my contribution is worth it? Why am I not enough?

I hear songs on the radio that sound like things I have already written...listen to guitar solos that sound as if I could have played them...even before they have been put out...I was playing similar pieces...that was part of how I knew I was headed in the right direction musically...

I may not be the greatest...but I am no worse than those that the world listens to...those that are out there...those that everyone...including myself...admire...and yet...here I am...an unknown...unimportant...unnoticed...I will not be remembered...not for my music...which is such a HUGE part of who I am...and not even my family will remember...will know...there is something fundamentally wrong with that...I think...

Maybe I can't make the world stand up and listen...maybe I will never have the attention and validation I crave publicly...but my kids should know me...they should know who their father could have been...

My daughter in law...Breanna...said to me a year ago or less...and this is someone I have known now for 10 years at least..."I never got to see you play...I mean with a band...I know you play rock and roll and blues...but I have never seen it...I've never heard it"...she is my son's wife...and she has never even seen what I can do...who I am...she hears me play my acoustic guitars...but has no clue as to what I am capable of musically...for goodness sakes...for someone that has invested most of their life's desire in the pursuit of musical recognition...and to have nothing to show for it...there is something really....really...wrong with that...and it makes me look at something I hate to see in myself...I quit. I gave up. I let the dream drift over me...like a warm summer's breeze...to quote a song I like LOL...and I sit here tonight missing it...and regretting...

So where do I go from here? Pursue another career...I am doing that...concentrate on becoming a better dad and husband...I am doing that too...search for balance in my life....I am working on that front as well. But those things just aren't healing my heart. I miss who I was trying to be...who I aspired to be...and I know...I let myself down...I let my dream drift away from me...and I am poorer for it. The bigger question is though...

Where do I go from here?

I was jez thinking...

Anytime I stop long enough to think about it...I see my life and environment as supportive...but also volatile...and while I know that in times where things are going well...I think it is fitting that my thoughts and focus remain on those things positive in my life...I also know that when there come those times where things are not going the best they can be...in those moments...I tend to try to stay focused on those things that are healthy. I am not nearly as concerned about right or wrong....good or bad...as much as I am concerned about healthy...

In my life...especially in my work...I see a lot of unhealthy...but I am there to try to help people help themselves so it makes sense to me that I work at keeping my focus on my own balance and trying to stay healthy...and in the spirit of this sentiment...I write tonight...though yawning and dead tired...I guess I am looking to reach out and get myself out here...it's been awhile.

Seems to be a theme for me...a good deal of time goes by and then I write again...hmm...wonder if that is healthy or not LOL...

Lately I have been killer busy...racking up a lot of countable hours at work...as of today I have less than 130 hours left of the 3,000 to go in this chase for my license...and it feels great....but I am tired and this work is hard. There are so many folks having hard times...it really is hard to believe how tough things are. But that's what keeps me in business I guess.

I am worried about my kids...all four of them...for different reasons of course...but they weigh on my mind...it's hard not to worry about them...but it actually helps me to relate to the parents I counsel...and keeps me humble...so it is OK that I think about them all the time and worry about them...pray for them...that's what we dads do...

I guess that is the foundation of it all really isn't it? As stressed out as I sometimes get...and we all do...I love my bubbies...from 27 to 4 they are all my heart and I love them always...

I love you guys...with all my heart.