First 2010 post...

So...a new year is upon us and here we are in 2010. I still feel the same way I did in my last post although I will say I have finished my 3000 hours for my license and gathered my paperwork, paid my money, and await the decision of the BBS (Board of Behavioral Sciences). What are they deciding? They are deciding whether or not I have completed everything needed in order to move forward and get on to the testing faze of this pursuit. If they write back and say yeaup!...you have done everything you need to do to test...then I will set up my first of two tests that I must pass to earn my license.

That is exciting stuff and I am relieved to be here at this point. I am hopeful that I will be allowed to pass and go forward to test. I know that something like this isn't everything in the world...but it sure would mean a lot to me. So here's to crossing fingers and toes...crossing my eyes as I look at my nose...and hopefully...get to move on to the next stage.

I still feel the same way as I did in the last post...maybe even more so...but I have not moved forward musically. I did see another orthopedist and he wanted to give me the same shot in the same hand...or do surgery. Hmm....scary...

I spent half of yesterday sitting in the ICU of Stanford because my son Joshua is in there. He is very ill and they are really putting pressure on him to make a decision about having a double lung transplant. His numbers are not good and he could use prayer and lots of it. Thank you if you have already been putting in time as one of his prayer warriors.

I will go back up to see him tomorrow...I hate...absolutely hate...watching what is going on with him...it makes me sick and feels like I am powerless to help...I know that's not completely true...attitude is everything...but it is very very...very hard to watch your child suffer and deteriorate...and not be able to fix his needs...even financially...because if he does have the transplant...he and his wife will need to live within 20 minutes of the hospital and not leave because of the possibilities of and logistics of getting to the hospital once there is a donor...which brings up the fact that he is waiting on someone else to die in order for him to live...I don't know how to feel about that...I know it is a natural process and we can't do anything about his deterioration on some level...but it is still a harsh reality.

There is a wide range of things that trouble me...my daughter who also has CF...and how is she feelings watching her big brother go through this and relating to it...and wondering about her future...and her health...my four year old daughter Sarah and how she will deal with this process as it progresses. My oldest son Jake who keeps his emotions buried so that he doesn't really have to deal with how he really feels about his brother and his sister and what is going on with each of them...my wife Heather and how all this affects her, knowing that it takes a huge toll...and my own feelings which are jumbled and strong...over the top and often sudden and out of nowhere. And all of this is the short and in my face list...not mentioning my job, our financial mess, my license pursuit, my feelings about my music, my stress, other family, friends, and on trying to find it's place in my attention and I am struggling with it all. So what now?


So here we are.