Let me tell ya...

So in between trips to see friends and to relax with family...with kids large and small along...life is going on...up and down...good and not so good...easy and hard...and while that is the way of things...as always...I find myself confronting things that I am having real difficulties with and unsure as to how I want to handle where I am surrounding my circumstances.

Today is Saturday...average weekend day so far...I cleaned up, dressed, and fed my daughter breakfast and got her those daily vitamins we give her to get her day started...I mowed front and back lawns and wrote an Email...and the girls are currently taking pictures...I'm sure Heather will have some up later today or tomorrow...

A regular leave it to beaver type of day...

Day before yesterday I was subpoenaed and had to go testify in court for a criminal child abuse case. This is the first time I have ever had to testify in a court case. I got through it and survived...I did not like it and it had a negative affect on me that is still reverberating...but it was a learning experience...that I truly hope I never have to repeat...but a learning experience all the same. I think I did well overall. I have no idea what effect my testimony would have on this case...but they all seemed to think it very important.

It amazes me how much of a game the experience is...the courtroom. It is a production...political...full of drama kings and queens putting on performances that rival the greatest of stage and screen...a ring master who presides over the production with a mix of boredom and exuberance...a procedure for every little thing...every little word questioned and examined as if a question rephrased...ever so slightly differently...or even sarcastically...will change my opinion or testimony and warrant some sort of pivot that sends one of the two players of the game reeling...one for the worse...one for the better...

The thing that may have bothered me the most though...was a choice of one of the prosecuting attorneys...to basically force me to look at pictures of the victim of the case, 3 pages worth...not just one or two pictures...even after I had testified as to reading the reports. I know what happened...thank you very much...I do not need to see it...

I deal in my daily profession...with children who have lived these realities...and some of which who are literally in the middle of living these realities...I was offended...as well as grossed out...hurt for the child and angry...both at the perpetrator and at the attorney...it was callous of her...and...it was intentional...very intentional...which to me makes it worse.

I let no one in the room see any of this in me of course...it did not change my testimony and it did not change my opinion of what I had to testify to...they told me to tell the truth...so help me God...and that is exactly what I did to the best of my ability...even after being rudely cut off and treated...more than once...by this same attorney....it wasn't needed or necessary...in my humble opinion.

Now an attorney reading this might say welp...ya know....it's all part of the game...nothing personal....but I have to tell ya...

I took it personally...very personally...it was personal to me...it might not have been to her...but it sure was to me...and for reasons that she...I am sure....does not even understand...she treated me like I do not understand what an abused child looks like...and has gone through...when honestly...I think I have a better understanding of it than she does...it's not because of pictures and what something looks like...but because I am one of the ones that they, the survivors, turn to...to try to heal from these atrocities...it just plain pissed me off...and hurt me...on multiple levels...

My prayer is for health...that child's...every child's...my own....that attorneys...that defendant...the judge and other people in that courtroom...because I don't want to hold on to anger or the pain...

I don't want to be in the fray...I want to actually help people...don't get me wrong...I am all for getting predators and people who can not control themselves off the streets to make it safe for my wife, kids, and family...not to even mention myself...and not to mention everyone else and their families...I know we need folks to do those things...to protect us...and I do appreciate that it is a difficult job...I can't tell you how glad I am...someone is out there to do that job...I just wish that people would stop to think about who it is they are talking to and what perspective they might have...instead of trying to be heavy handed and win...without consideration as to what their own actions are...because I walked out feeling very much like I had been abused myself...by the system and a person in it...who is supposedly fighting for justice...but it felt like she was just fighting to win...because she sure did not take me into consideration...and I would bet she doesn't even know how she hurt me...or why. She doesn't get it.

But I do...I get her...and the system...I know it's all we have...but damned if it isn't seriously flawed and hurtful.

Peace, sunsets, serenity, and prayer.