So in between trips to see friends and to relax with family...with kids large and small along...life is going on...up and down...good and not so good...easy and hard...and while that is the way of things...as always...I find myself confronting things that I am having real difficulties with and unsure as to how I want to handle where I am surrounding my circumstances.
Today is Saturday...average weekend day so far...I cleaned up, dressed, and fed my daughter breakfast and got her those daily vitamins we give her to get her day started...I mowed front and back lawns and wrote an Email...and the girls are currently taking pictures...I'm sure Heather will have some up later today or tomorrow...
A regular leave it to beaver type of day...
Day before yesterday I was subpoenaed and had to go testify in court for a criminal child abuse case. This is the first time I have ever had to testify in a court case. I got through it and survived...I did not like it and it had a negative affect on me that is still reverberating...but it was a learning experience...that I truly hope I never have to repeat...but a learning experience all the same. I think I did well overall. I have no idea what effect my testimony would have on this case...but they all seemed to think it very important.
It amazes me how much of a game the experience is...the courtroom. It is a production...political...full of drama kings and queens putting on performances that rival the greatest of stage and screen...a ring master who presides over the production with a mix of boredom and exuberance...a procedure for every little thing...every little word questioned and examined as if a question rephrased...ever so slightly differently...or even sarcastically...will change my opinion or testimony and warrant some sort of pivot that sends one of the two players of the game reeling...one for the worse...one for the better...
The thing that may have bothered me the most though...was a choice of one of the prosecuting attorneys...to basically force me to look at pictures of the victim of the case, 3 pages worth...not just one or two pictures...even after I had testified as to reading the reports. I know what happened...thank you very much...I do not need to see it...
I deal in my daily profession...with children who have lived these realities...and some of which who are literally in the middle of living these realities...I was offended...as well as grossed out...hurt for the child and angry...both at the perpetrator and at the attorney...it was callous of her...and...it was intentional...very intentional...which to me makes it worse.
I let no one in the room see any of this in me of course...it did not change my testimony and it did not change my opinion of what I had to testify to...they told me to tell the truth...so help me God...and that is exactly what I did to the best of my ability...even after being rudely cut off and treated...more than once...by this same attorney....it wasn't needed or necessary...in my humble opinion.
Now an attorney reading this might say welp...ya know....it's all part of the game...nothing personal....but I have to tell ya...
I took it personally...very personally...it was personal to me...it might not have been to her...but it sure was to me...and for reasons that she...I am sure....does not even understand...she treated me like I do not understand what an abused child looks like...and has gone through...when honestly...I think I have a better understanding of it than she does...it's not because of pictures and what something looks like...but because I am one of the ones that they, the survivors, turn to...to try to heal from these atrocities...it just plain pissed me off...and hurt me...on multiple levels...
My prayer is for health...that child's...every child's...my own....that attorneys...that defendant...the judge and other people in that courtroom...because I don't want to hold on to anger or the pain...
I don't want to be in the fray...I want to actually help people...don't get me wrong...I am all for getting predators and people who can not control themselves off the streets to make it safe for my wife, kids, and family...not to even mention myself...and not to mention everyone else and their families...I know we need folks to do those things...to protect us...and I do appreciate that it is a difficult job...I can't tell you how glad I am...someone is out there to do that job...I just wish that people would stop to think about who it is they are talking to and what perspective they might have...instead of trying to be heavy handed and win...without consideration as to what their own actions are...because I walked out feeling very much like I had been abused myself...by the system and a person in it...who is supposedly fighting for justice...but it felt like she was just fighting to win...because she sure did not take me into consideration...and I would bet she doesn't even know how she hurt me...or why. She doesn't get it.
But I do...I get her...and the system...I know it's all we have...but damned if it isn't seriously flawed and hurtful.
Peace, sunsets, serenity, and prayer.
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3 comments:
Ah, I'm sorry it was so difficult. I'm so glad to live in the U.S., but truly we do have things to fix. The court system being one of them.
We add our prayers to yours - for the victims, the perpetrators and those in our legal system who sometimes seem to add to the problems they say they're trying to fix.
Much love, peace and hugs
Lori xoxoxoxo
The “Maintaining the Household” Partner – Babe, (wait, this persona wouldn’t probably say ‘babe’) Kim, I am sorry that you had a rough day. I can imagine it sucked, can you take the trash out for me because it is nearly to the ceiling. Also, we need to go to Costco, call the contractor, clean the garage, get rid of our pet water, do the laundry, pay bills, mow the yards, get Sarah some breakfast, think of what we will do for Christmas, wash the filters of the air-conditioners, mop the floors, vacuum the living room, and figure out our financial mess before it gets worse. Oh, and can you also fix the dripping faucet, please get my ironing board from the back lawn, and change your pants cause we have a wedding to go to. After we fix dinner.
Not much help – it sucks – I wish life would slow down for us so we can deal with some of the major things are day throws at us.
The “Wife With Responsibilities” Partner – Babe, (cause now it would be more appropriate) I am sorry that you had a rough day. What can we do to help your evening? I still have a lot of things I need to do before Sarah goes to bed, but if you help me then we can maybe focus on your day a little when she is down? Can you help me fix dinner by occupying Sarah for a half hour – try to get in the moment till we can talk later tonight. I love you.
Hmmm… still sucks. Not much help here either! A possibility of help later – but sometimes WE need help in the moment – and again, life doesn’t afford us the time to deal with it. GRRRrrrr.
The “I Have a Psychology Degree Too and I Am Your Wife” Partner – Babe, (cause he is still my husband and the word shows the verb of caring) I am sorry you had a rough day (stop doing dishes), want me to call in pizza and start a movie for Sarah so we can talk about it? (This is a rhetorical question because in the moment I am sure he doesn’t want to make decisions, he just wants to feel better – so while asking, get the phonebook for Round Table – comfort food). Then I should say “Why don’t you go put on Ariel for Sarah and then meet back in the kitchen, I will get you a cold water.”
I know this would immediately “calm” the emotion because most people, Kim for sure, likes to be tended to when he feels like he is out of control – as do I. The goal here is to get out of my own Maintaining the Household and Wife With Responsibilities roles and get into the I Love You role. I should focus on what he needs. As hard as it sometimes is, I need to put my “to-do’s” aside and help with him at this moment. It just will make life easier in the long run and besides, he is more important than any “to-do” that exists.
“Babe, tell me all about it, I want to hear about your day, it must have been kinda sucky for you to bring it home and still have it bother you, I know you and usually you can let things go.” This would have been a good statement for a couple reasons. One – IT’S TRUE! Kim is good about letting things go for the most part – he really doesn’t like to carry crap around and he doesn’t like bringing into the home. That’s one reason, the other reason it is important to say this is because now, despite what the day has done to him, the idea that he HAS brought it home is only irritating him MORE. So if I at least try to let him off the hook by acknowledging that it is ok and that it is not his norm, he can let that part go and get back to talking about the day instead of all the subsequent crap feelings that come about.
LET HIM TALK! It could take a moment, an hour, all night – either way – let him. Don’t ask too many, if any, questions, don’t fix it, don’t tell him how he could do better, or justify what others did – just listen.
Why? Because Kim is a bright man. He already “knows” stuff – and this has nothing to do with “knowing” it has everything to do with “feeling”. If I talk about the process or the protocol – it will just shut him down and add to the misery. If I let him talk – he will let the emotion out – and then it has a chance of subsiding - as opposed to building. Besides, because he is emotional, if I say or do something that is not caring, he will just shut me out – not good. I want to be on his side, not his adversary. There will be plenty of time for intellectual discussion regarding all of this later, once he deals with the emotion that is overwhelming.
When he is done talking, or seems to be cooling down, this is the time for touch. Up until now I should just let him talk with the focus being on eye contact and hearing him, bits of validation through words, but now – it’s all about touch – it is healing. I would give him a hug, a kiss, and I love you, a reaffirmation of his intelligence, his caring nature, his willingness to help, and then I would say – I am sorry he had a sucky day – again.
Now – throughout this rant, you notice that in describing the most positive and effective role I used words in the past tense – should have, could have, etcetera. WHY? Because I am an idiot and I get absorbed with my own grief, emotion, turmoil, to-do’s and other unproductive crap.
The good news – I KNOW better and therefore I can DO better. I am sorry, babe, that you are so incredibly tormented right now. I know that it is a myriad of things that has you going and when one event that is so incredibly negative takes place, it let’s the flood gates open to be overall frustrated and disappointed in many things. I love you and I am sorry that I was not more there for you to let some of it out so it wouldn’t reside in your spirit and in your heart.
I speak from experience when I say, “…if I say or do something that is not caring, he will just shut me out.” We had a crappy weekend and I am sorry. I know better. I hope that we can make time tonight to heal us and heal you – or at least make some progress in that direction. I hope you are getting through your day to the best of your ability and that there will be some solace to know that you are coming home to a woman that loves you and has the same degree as you – we know what to do – it is just my turn to do it!
In good times and in bad,
Heather
THIS would upset anyones applecart eh? I'm sorry you had to deal with this. I am in hopes that it helps you down the road, to help someone else. Hopes nothing, I KNOW that it will. I have come to know that wisedom is what we get, to help others with.
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