I am chasing a license to practice as a marriage and family therapist and in order to do that I have to complete 3,000 hours as an intern. As of today...I have only 50 hours left to go. I am so close I can taste it...and yet...even as I close in on my goal...I feel like I am fulfilling only part of who I am or what I offer. I have more to give...and utilize...more to offer...more to explore...
What do I expect of myself? Why do I yearn for so much more...am I being realistic?
I've spent sooo much of my life playing guitar...playing music...and currently I am hiding from it...but every time I pick up a guitar...today...this afternoon...night before last...and I listen...my words...my notes...my music...my life...I am there...and I speak...
What the hell did I let go of? I am pissed off about it...hurt by it...twisted by it...and it is of my own doing.
Now...my hands hurt...and putting my hands on her...my old friend...my other wife or mistress...the one whom I share all my intimacies with...all my emotions bared...and who doesn't judge me...but partners with me to bring God's work forth...His gift....to me...through my hands...through the wood...and the steel...to my ears...and others hearts...to the world...this is THE only place...where my hands don't hurt as much.
Last May...a doctor...an orthopedist...diagnosed me with carpel tunnel...and I have it in both hands...gave me a shot in my left palm....that hurt like hell...and then he sent me to a neurologist...who tested me...who confirmed...yeup...carpel tunnel...you got it...both hands...right hand is worse...but it is my left that has more pain...a trigger finger with my middle finger...and I am certain that it has to do with using the old, outdated, computer systems and non-ergonomic desks at my workplace...because that is where I have the most pain...not at home...not playing the guitar...actually playing is the one place...the only place...that actually relieves my pain...both physically and emotionally...spiritually...using whatever level of gift God has given me...
I am not saying that I am the most talented or gifted...but there is something there...something that is beyond little old me...something more...because I feel it...feel Him...when I play.
I am a father...I am a teacher...I am a mentor...I am a therapist and counselor...I am a business owner...I am an artist...I am a photographer...I am a writer....I am a philosopher...I am a student...I am more than all these things...but all that said and done...I am a guitarist...I am a musician...I am called to it...it speaks to me...it calls me...and frankly...I am not heeding the call...and I feel the lessened for it...I feel the tear in my heart and soul...it pulls at my spirit...and I know...I know...
There was a point in my life where playing music was hard for me because I felt like a failure. I beat myself up over it all the time and everytime I played it was a reminder...I never stopped playing...I kept my chops up...but I became emotionally cut off...so I switched my emotional release to art...and drawing...I worked for 3 years to develop that skill...and this was where I was able to take that...
But....
Whatever else I am....whatever else I can do...at heart...I am a guitarist...and I am a musician...even if it isn't how I make my living today...this is who I am...but almost no one knows it...only those that are closest to me...and only those that are truly closest to me...have heard MY music...know my voice from those strings...and I question why haven't I believed my contribution is worth it? Why am I not enough?
I hear songs on the radio that sound like things I have already written...listen to guitar solos that sound as if I could have played them...even before they have been put out...I was playing similar pieces...that was part of how I knew I was headed in the right direction musically...
I may not be the greatest...but I am no worse than those that the world listens to...those that are out there...those that everyone...including myself...admire...and yet...here I am...an unknown...unimportant...unnoticed...I will not be remembered...not for my music...which is such a HUGE part of who I am...and not even my family will remember...will know...there is something fundamentally wrong with that...I think...
Maybe I can't make the world stand up and listen...maybe I will never have the attention and validation I crave publicly...but my kids should know me...they should know who their father could have been...
My daughter in law...Breanna...said to me a year ago or less...and this is someone I have known now for 10 years at least..."I never got to see you play...I mean with a band...I know you play rock and roll and blues...but I have never seen it...I've never heard it"...she is my son's wife...and she has never even seen what I can do...who I am...she hears me play my acoustic guitars...but has no clue as to what I am capable of musically...for goodness sakes...for someone that has invested most of their life's desire in the pursuit of musical recognition...and to have nothing to show for it...there is something really....really...wrong with that...and it makes me look at something I hate to see in myself...I quit. I gave up. I let the dream drift over me...like a warm summer's breeze...to quote a song I like LOL...and I sit here tonight missing it...and regretting...
So where do I go from here? Pursue another career...I am doing that...concentrate on becoming a better dad and husband...I am doing that too...search for balance in my life....I am working on that front as well. But those things just aren't healing my heart. I miss who I was trying to be...who I aspired to be...and I know...I let myself down...I let my dream drift away from me...and I am poorer for it. The bigger question is though...
Where do I go from here?
4 comments:
I CERTAINLY UNDERSTAND LOSING YOUR ART DUE TO A PAIN IN YOUR HEART.. iN MY CASE, A VERY BROKEN HEART. iT WAS VIA hEATHER WHO GAVE ME THIS aha MOMENT. Having said that, I must say that I refuse to quit, for it is a passion and I wish for it to continue to grow. Grow where or how, who the hell knows... For me...giving is a good jumping off point. Giving of my gifts.. which brings me to my point, cause it aint all about me right?
Why not consider a ministry of your own Kim? No, really, your degrees, certs, coupled with your artistry , talents,it just seems crystal clear to me where you could bless those around you and in turn,be blessed as well. Youth musical ministry. Dare I say... church? How many teens could you reach, teach, inspire, or even redirect? While I'm sure that it wouldnt be monetarily profitable, but success is measured in many ways eh? I can see ya up there on the stage in the sanctuary!
Just an idea while sitting here reading and relating to your post. I'll shuddup now and go work on my Epilepsy foundation quilt. Every year I do this quilt from the kids annual camping trip and it "gives" to me, more than they will ever know.
Bingo, Gina. And don't sabotage yourself, Kim, in your current almost-to-the-goal-post success. That was my first concern in reading your post. (I know cause I do it.)
Pray. He'll answer.
Loving you all from Colorado . . . xoxoxoxoxoxo
DOC HOLIDAY,
Now we both know you have me at a disadvantage, in both the wisdom of age and the knowledge from experience. And while I’ve not been directly involved in your day to day… I’ve been a satellite to your orbit…for around twenty years…(Pun intended) Ya, that long.
So, give me my inferior position.
And lend me only that which I deserve.
You that you have achieved recognition…ah, yes…but you are unaware.
Now..I’m not just blowing smoke…With truth I tell you.
I walked into a professional business office…to see your youngest daughter on the cover of the magazine displayed on the office coffee table …
When I remarked to the office staff; “Wow ! That’s something unexpected…A thrill and warmth that knowing the beautiful little girl on that cover and her parents extends...”
To which the office staff replied….”Oh, you know Kim??”
Ah, yes…you are getting recognition that you have yet to realize.
I suggest this...
That the prides we pursue…
May never become the pride we have earned…
Lasting and meaningful recognition…
Isn’t with the cheering crowds…
At the end of the show, where are they…
Your recognition…a meaningful one
will be an enduring sentiment extended amongst those who have known you...
too those yet to have known OF you
Your ART is the manifestation of your sole into this world
Therefore, so long as your putting sole into all that you do
So long as your sole is in the ART of your Endeavors
Then you are ACHIVING a meaningfulness that extends
Forever…
As to the question: Where do I go from here?
Well, you know of my miserable situation…
And you know how with all intent and effort…
I’ve never placed the smallest amount of effort in arriving HERE…
However, HERE I am…And some years from now…I’ll be somewhere else
Perhaps, wondering…How the HELL did I get HERE…
THAT IS…I mean to say…this IS life…we are in…for now
So the position of WHERE is only relevant in Discovering FROM
THAT WHICH I HAVE COME…NOT in reveling to WHERE YOU WILL BE…that is yet to occur…
Be patient…Be kind…LOVE your children…GIVE LOVE to your wife…KEEP YOUR BROTHER…HONOR YOUR PARENTS
Manifest in your artful sole…and your recognition will endure for generations…ab aeterno
WYATT
P.S. What the hell do I know anyway? LOL
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