blog blog blog....

I'm not sure what it is that draws me to be so interested in the study of human nature...but I often attribute it to a study of my self and the people in my life. Ultimately though, I think it is because I relate what I learn to how I feel, what I see, those things I believe, and how I relate who I am in the framework of the world I live in. Me. But...

What are we supposed to be doing in our lives? Each of us has to figure that out for ourselves of course, but for me, I am all over the map and I am truly not sure.

I play, write, record, and create my own music. I also write in literary terms. I blog. I draw pictures and paint. I photograph and paint with light.

I teach. I counsel. I listen. I am a student always.

I problem solve. I am a seeker and I organize. I observe. I lead.

In all these things I have done almost all of them professionally.

With all this said...I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I am good at all this stuff. My passion is in the arts...music primarily...but I truly believe I would be good at other arts I haven't even done much of yet...drama...sculpture...but the point being I feel like this is really who I am. But it is not who I live to be professionally and that is at odds with what I actually live...on the inside.

So how do I resolve this? What do I need to do? I hate living the example for my kids of being someone that is not who I was put here to be...but is that really true? Am I really on the wrong track? Am I really supposed to be doing something else or am I exactly where I should be?

Hell if I know...

I go on photo shoots with my wife and I consciously try to take a lesser role often...because I want her to shine...and she does...because she is good. She is really good. So am I, but I want her to have the glory and praise.

I have pulled out of playing music professionally for the last two years...in part because it hurts me...to fiddle with it like it's some sort of hobby...when it is such a huge part of who I am. It feels like pouring salt into a wound at times...and of course at times it is a blast and I remember why I started it in the first place.

I have several book ideas and I want to be published...in something other than a blog LOL...something that I can actually make money at and have more than 3 or 4 people read LOL...but I really don't pursue this either...same with my art...my drawing...I fold it up and lock it away in me...I hide.

I hate that part of me. I feel like a coward. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I don't deserve it. The therapist in me knows where all that crappy thinking comes from...I know exactly where it comes from in me...although it still doesn't stop me from feeling it...just allows me to know intellectually it isn't true...but emotionally...it is often a different story...and that is a hard admission to make...because it is shaming...self shaming...but it is the truth. I feel how I feel.

So in the larger frame...who am I really? What am I really here to do?

I am here to tell the truth. My truth. Through my words. Through my music. Through my pictures. Through my artwork. Through my life. I am here to tell the truth... as best I can...to anyone that'll listen.

Hmm. I'm not sure that really helped me...but at least it is something. A direction. A place to start...so as not to stay corn-fused.

So I will tell the truth...and do my best to touch people wherever I can in my life...but I will fight to be healthy...and that means to tell the truth.