Money problems, house problems, health issues, work issues, I haven't had a traffic ticket in like...20 years or something like that and then recently I got 2 in one week...luckily one is just a fix-it-ticket...all my stuff from my garage is still in my back yard...and it's raining...and earlier this week my son and his wife tell me they are moving far away in two weeks (far away is a 3 hour drive from here)...along with what he is planning to do concerning his health. He has Cystic Fibrosis and could definitely be a lot healthier...he isn't doing all that great.
I want the best for them and I want him to be healthy. I am glad that they are doing what they feel they need to do...and they are getting help from friends of mine...which is very nice of them to offer it up...but it breaks my heart in some ways...and I will miss them...more than either of them could ever know.
They are no longer going to be a phone call away...dinners or visits...and especially not here for Sarah to enjoy. I know they are doing what they need to do...and I am proud of them for having the guts to do that...but I would be lying if I said it doesn't bother me...quite a lot.
Of course nothing is ever simple. Later in the week I have a conversation with someone else concerning a matter of the same magnitude but regarding a different person very close to me. Sorry to be so cryptic but information has not been shared with all parties so I therefore must be secretive for now. None the less it was news of the same proportion and magnitude and thereby carried with it the same weight.
A lot of meaningful change in a short amount of time.
All this at a time when we are struggling in my household with basic things as well. Heather is struggling with what she can and can't eat, worried about her weight loss and health, concerned about whether or not she is where she is supposed to be. Both of us are concerned for Sarah and how to decide the next phases of her development, education, and growth. We are both so concerned about this little girl being alone...we want to make sure she is surrounded with love and people she can love and will learn good things from.
Both of us are stressed about our jobs...both on multiple levels...meaning...will we still have jobs considering the national economy and the health of our state here in California...and that we both work for governmental entities...as well as the fact that we both are having personal struggles on our own individual jobs...for individual reasons. Neither of us have easy jobs...and we struggle often with just getting through the week.
The stress is overwhelming at times...
I am sleeping less and less. I can't seem to even get 6 hours a night at this point...and it is getting worse. I woke up today before 5:00 AM and this is a Saturday...after going to bed at midnight. I have health things going on as well...and that isn't helping.
To top it all off I am not doing what I know to do to make my own personal stress level better. The stuff I teach and preach for a living. We need places to vent and express. We need ways to release or it builds. Why?!? you might be asking yourself...aren't I doing what I do know?...and truthfully...if I knew that I wouldn't be feeling like this. Of course I can rationalize...and I do sometimes....but the truth is...I personally believe it is the stress itself coming from so many different directions with a force that I am almost constantly feeling build inside and against me...leaves me feeling drained. I do mindfulness, meditative, and stress relieving exercises at times but the current and pressure is too swift and I can't keep up.
One of the best vents I ever discovered in my life has been music and playing guitar. I have had a passion for it for decades. Sometimes...I just hold on to my guitar...and feel the fretboard...under my fingers...because I am truly in love with it. The guitar is a part of me. Now though...I still play but I am struggling with it...again on multiple levels...including having physical problems with my hands...and it is becoming more and more difficult for me...so at this point playing is as much physical therapy for me and less about venting or creating...which changes the experience greatly. I also have nobody that I play with and I greatly miss that...as well as missing performing. I love to play for people and watch them groove to my melody...my beat. There's nothing like it.
For a time many years ago...I was struggling with the feeling of letting myself down concerning music and so I turned to drawing. I had a passion for drawing and loved it...for years and through art classes and drawing groups...now...I barely pick up a pen or pencil. When I do...I still get compliments on the work I produce...but I feel cut off. I have loved to read since I was very little and I got to love writing...and at least I am doing some writing on my two blogs...but it has become increasingly infrequent and I have had a harder time focusing to be able to write the way I would like to.
I love photography and capturing people and places...moments...moments in the meantime...and the creative focusing while taking the picture is fun...and feels creative...and I am still doing this with Heather in our business...although I think it is correct to say that I have not been shooting very much outside of business or family times...which again...bothers me.
I am a man of many passions and this reality has always been one of the personal truths I have really liked about myself and been proud of...but lately...I am feeling deflated and out of touch with my own creativity and inner strength.
I know I probably sound like I'm whining...I am a blessed man with a good family, a job where I get to help people for a living, relatively good health, a good marriage, and I have at least half a brain and a few talents to enjoy. All this is true. But I am feeling like I am not completely here...with all my passions firing...and I am less for it.
And...I miss Maui...
Anybody got any suggestions?
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