OK so...this week while running my groups I talked about what happened last weekend with my guys in a few of the groups and I did this for a couple of reasons...one being therapeutic and one being a bit curious...even a bit selfish...
Therapeutically I used the events of last weekend to talk about violence in general and in the decisions that we as individuals make in specific and how they affect us, our children, our relationships, our families, our communities, and ultimately our society. The fact that each and every decision that one makes affects many others lives...and we have a choice as to what kind of force we will be in the world...someone known for and respected as a positive force and influence...or one known for and feared as a negative force and influence. We also talked about what those affects can be and the level of or lack of respect and self-respect that are connected with those affects. In other words...how one affects other people around one and how that reflects back on to the individual.
The curious...and a bit selfish reason was...I was curious and interested if any of my guys might have heard anything about the incident. Now I will say I never asked....I never directly asked anyone or any group...if they knew anything...I simply told my story and was trying to use it to illustrate a point...but three different times...in three different groups...individuals spoke up without being questioned...as to not only hearing about the incident....but knowing the young man that was shot...and all three gave me a report as to who he was (no names thank God) and what they had heard...about his condition. All three men were in different groups and so each told me what they told me independently and freely...but all three told me the same exact thing.
The young man shot on our street last week did in fact NOT die...thank God and praise the Lord for him and his family...however...he was paralyzed from the waist down. Also two of the individuals reported to me that this young Hispanic man is a gang-banger who has been shot before. They last time he was shot was apparently some time within the last year to two years and he was actually shot in the head...from the back...and had lost an eye...apparently where the bullet had exited. Left eye I believe...and all three individuals tell me that the young man is, "kinda crazy" in his behavior.
What a waste. What an absolute waste of life. A waste of time, effort, and energy. An absolute reason to change. What a story. What disrespect. What a waste.
I'm still too angry to look at what I might be able to take from this with a disconnected objective view. I am still too shattered in my view of my safe and secure world...my safe and secure home...to be separated from all the emotions that came with this...and I feel OK with that. I think I am right where I should be considering the gravity of the events. I liked my wife's recent blog...it is very close to home for me because she and I feel approximately the same way...definitely in the same ballpark.
I have to say that this whole event has changed me...as it should. But...I will not loose my positive energy in the world...I will not succumb to fear and the folly of racing imagination...looking over my shoulder to see when it might happen again. I have always been cautious...and I will remain how I have always been...but I will not give in to the risk of constant fear. We live in a dangerous world and in a dangerous time...and yet as true as that is...I live a life of peace...in the search for serenity...and balance...and no one...will push me off my path because of their selfish and self-serving ways. I will rebuild my world but I am determined that it will be better...somehow...someway...I will find the way to make things better...I mean really...what choice have I got? I have to make things better...at least to try to...that is the right thing to do...and that is who I am...and who I choose to be...in the world...and in me.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
911...what is your emergency?
OK...so...last night...we ended up with a brand spankin new bullet hole in our car...and blood on our street from a shooting.
Heather, Sarah, & I went for a long drive and had a great time...went to the beach and drove along the coast...took a few pictures and a little bit of video of Sarah on the beach freezing...watched wind surfers and people surfing with these really cool kites strapped to their bodies...it was fun...and we all had a great time and a great day.
We pull up into town at 1:00 AM (later than we would have wanted but still having a good time w/Sarah asleep) having traveled from Santa Cruz to Santa Rosa...and as we pulled up to our street we noticed a large party going on at a corner house close to our own. There were spinning colored lights and tons of people (at LEAST 50) inside and outside with cars going half way down the block...but I didn't hear any real noise so we went home gathered the Sarah Bear and our things from the car and went on inside.
Being very tired we all went straight to bed. About 2:30AM we awoke to the sound of rapid fire gunshots going on very (read...way too...maybe 50 feet) close to our house. Yelling, chaos, car lights shining, and the gunfire woke all of us up including the baby. I recognized it as gunfire right away...about 15 shots in rapid fire succession and then people shouting. I ran out of bed for the phone and immediately called 911 to report as Heather scooped up the baby and headed for Harmony's room towards the back of our house. As I wrapped up the call I told Heather and the girls to get on the floor and the gunfire started all over again...this time approximately 10 - 12 shots and more yelling, chaos, and people running. I watched people dashing into backyards and trying to get away. I heard a woman screaming. I saw at least two people limping trying to get away. I called 911 again. I reported...they took the info...and then they put me on hold...waiting...waiting...I watched through the window as one car drove away...and another drove up...pulled into a driveway directly from my house and dropped neighbors off across the street...they ran huddling into their doorway...trying to get into the house as quick as possible. Whomever dropped them off left as quickly as they could. Maybe three minutes after I heard a siren. The law enforcement folks caused more people to try to scatter and I watched someone run up the driveway of my next door neighbors and Heather heard him climbing fences. We found a chair out of place in our back yard the next day (out by our back fence)...obviously the persons route through our yard and into someone elses.
Then another cop shows...and a third...then an ambulance and a fire truck...the chaos has changed into chaos with officials in charge now...I put a shirt and shoes on...turned on a light in my house and my porch light...and grab my keys and wallet and head out to talk to the cops...since I called them. I gave information to one and watched paramedics working on someone laying in the middle of the street...right across the street from my next door neighbors house. Glass covering the ground next to him beneath the car whose window had been shot out, blue and red lights dancing off of glass and metal, men working furiously to prepare the victim for the ride to the hospital. Surreal. Disturbing. What a waste. What the hell?!? I asked the cop if he would live and he said, "oh he'll be alright...don't worry about it"...and I knew...it was his way of saying...nothing to see here...on your way now as he walked away from me...
I heard from a neighbor the next morning the man didn't live...although I have no idea how accurate that information is...no news in the paper yet...
We live in a middle class neighborhood...usually quiet...neighbors are polite and friendly...average by all standards...older homes...decent value to the neighborhood...we do not live in "the hood"...I've spent a fair amount of time in "the hood" when I was a teenager...and this...is not "the hood"...but last night...and bullet holes in my car and my next door neighbors car this morning....the hood came to my block...
I grew up two doors down from where I currently live...my mom and brother still reside in that home...we bought two doors away...and in all my years in this area apart from the 7 years I lived elsewhere...this is the only time I have ever seen this kind of violence on my street...at my home...with my children asleep in my home. My brother called from two doors away when it all went down and said that he had called the cops around 12:30AM because there were 30 - 40 people gathered in front of his house...half a block away from the party...yelling and making noise...drinking...being...well...what people are when they are partying...and young...in the middle of a wild Saturday night...
I am pissed off...because of the carelessness of it...because of the disregard for others...and the babies here...ours is not the only child within a two to three house area here...because of the disrespect...the absolute unequivocal disrespect...and lack of self-respect of the people involved...but mostly...at this point...I am most pissed off about the absolute feeling of helplessness. I am not helpless...far from it....but when someone gets shot...almost right in front of my own house...in the middle of the night...I feel helpless. Especially when the police were called 2 hours before the shooting...and told of the behaviors and crowd gathered...at that time of night...and the cops never came to see...never showed up...had they shown up...that young man might not have gotten shot...might still be alive.
Helpless...sick...disrespected...that's how I feel...
I know it happens every day...as a therapist/counselor I run 8 court ordered domestic violence groups per week at a local agency here in this town. I deal with my guys coming to group having this type of thing happen in their lives all the time because many of them do live in "the hood". I am fully aware of the pain and burden that those folks are living with...and I am sick about it when they come in talking about the funerals, shootings, wakes, drive-bys, parties, and senseless violence that they endure every day.
But it really doesn't matter where one lives does it? The level of disrespect in this country is amazing to me...it is as high up as the White House and as low down as the streets and I am consistently amazed at the lack of integrity and self-respect of the people in our "advanced" society.
The truth is...that we are OK with it...not all of us are...because some of us are trying to "DO" something about it...I know I am...but many of us are complacent...and because of NIMBY (not in my back yard) we accept that the disrespect shown to people is acceptable because it isn't affecting us.
It is time...it is time to take a stand and have personal integrity...self-respect...and deal with these problems at the level that they exist...in our homes. As parents...and as neighbors...let these young people know...it ain't gonna happen on my watch...not on my watch...
Because somewhere...somehow...someday...we are all accountable...both for the things we have done...and for the things we have not done...
So I say...not on my watch...it ain't gonna go down like that on my watch...not if there is anything I CAN DO about it...not on my watch.
Heather, Sarah, & I went for a long drive and had a great time...went to the beach and drove along the coast...took a few pictures and a little bit of video of Sarah on the beach freezing...watched wind surfers and people surfing with these really cool kites strapped to their bodies...it was fun...and we all had a great time and a great day.
We pull up into town at 1:00 AM (later than we would have wanted but still having a good time w/Sarah asleep) having traveled from Santa Cruz to Santa Rosa...and as we pulled up to our street we noticed a large party going on at a corner house close to our own. There were spinning colored lights and tons of people (at LEAST 50) inside and outside with cars going half way down the block...but I didn't hear any real noise so we went home gathered the Sarah Bear and our things from the car and went on inside.
Being very tired we all went straight to bed. About 2:30AM we awoke to the sound of rapid fire gunshots going on very (read...way too...maybe 50 feet) close to our house. Yelling, chaos, car lights shining, and the gunfire woke all of us up including the baby. I recognized it as gunfire right away...about 15 shots in rapid fire succession and then people shouting. I ran out of bed for the phone and immediately called 911 to report as Heather scooped up the baby and headed for Harmony's room towards the back of our house. As I wrapped up the call I told Heather and the girls to get on the floor and the gunfire started all over again...this time approximately 10 - 12 shots and more yelling, chaos, and people running. I watched people dashing into backyards and trying to get away. I heard a woman screaming. I saw at least two people limping trying to get away. I called 911 again. I reported...they took the info...and then they put me on hold...waiting...waiting...I watched through the window as one car drove away...and another drove up...pulled into a driveway directly from my house and dropped neighbors off across the street...they ran huddling into their doorway...trying to get into the house as quick as possible. Whomever dropped them off left as quickly as they could. Maybe three minutes after I heard a siren. The law enforcement folks caused more people to try to scatter and I watched someone run up the driveway of my next door neighbors and Heather heard him climbing fences. We found a chair out of place in our back yard the next day (out by our back fence)...obviously the persons route through our yard and into someone elses.
Then another cop shows...and a third...then an ambulance and a fire truck...the chaos has changed into chaos with officials in charge now...I put a shirt and shoes on...turned on a light in my house and my porch light...and grab my keys and wallet and head out to talk to the cops...since I called them. I gave information to one and watched paramedics working on someone laying in the middle of the street...right across the street from my next door neighbors house. Glass covering the ground next to him beneath the car whose window had been shot out, blue and red lights dancing off of glass and metal, men working furiously to prepare the victim for the ride to the hospital. Surreal. Disturbing. What a waste. What the hell?!? I asked the cop if he would live and he said, "oh he'll be alright...don't worry about it"...and I knew...it was his way of saying...nothing to see here...on your way now as he walked away from me...
I heard from a neighbor the next morning the man didn't live...although I have no idea how accurate that information is...no news in the paper yet...
We live in a middle class neighborhood...usually quiet...neighbors are polite and friendly...average by all standards...older homes...decent value to the neighborhood...we do not live in "the hood"...I've spent a fair amount of time in "the hood" when I was a teenager...and this...is not "the hood"...but last night...and bullet holes in my car and my next door neighbors car this morning....the hood came to my block...
I grew up two doors down from where I currently live...my mom and brother still reside in that home...we bought two doors away...and in all my years in this area apart from the 7 years I lived elsewhere...this is the only time I have ever seen this kind of violence on my street...at my home...with my children asleep in my home. My brother called from two doors away when it all went down and said that he had called the cops around 12:30AM because there were 30 - 40 people gathered in front of his house...half a block away from the party...yelling and making noise...drinking...being...well...what people are when they are partying...and young...in the middle of a wild Saturday night...
I am pissed off...because of the carelessness of it...because of the disregard for others...and the babies here...ours is not the only child within a two to three house area here...because of the disrespect...the absolute unequivocal disrespect...and lack of self-respect of the people involved...but mostly...at this point...I am most pissed off about the absolute feeling of helplessness. I am not helpless...far from it....but when someone gets shot...almost right in front of my own house...in the middle of the night...I feel helpless. Especially when the police were called 2 hours before the shooting...and told of the behaviors and crowd gathered...at that time of night...and the cops never came to see...never showed up...had they shown up...that young man might not have gotten shot...might still be alive.
Helpless...sick...disrespected...that's how I feel...
I know it happens every day...as a therapist/counselor I run 8 court ordered domestic violence groups per week at a local agency here in this town. I deal with my guys coming to group having this type of thing happen in their lives all the time because many of them do live in "the hood". I am fully aware of the pain and burden that those folks are living with...and I am sick about it when they come in talking about the funerals, shootings, wakes, drive-bys, parties, and senseless violence that they endure every day.
But it really doesn't matter where one lives does it? The level of disrespect in this country is amazing to me...it is as high up as the White House and as low down as the streets and I am consistently amazed at the lack of integrity and self-respect of the people in our "advanced" society.
The truth is...that we are OK with it...not all of us are...because some of us are trying to "DO" something about it...I know I am...but many of us are complacent...and because of NIMBY (not in my back yard) we accept that the disrespect shown to people is acceptable because it isn't affecting us.
It is time...it is time to take a stand and have personal integrity...self-respect...and deal with these problems at the level that they exist...in our homes. As parents...and as neighbors...let these young people know...it ain't gonna happen on my watch...not on my watch...
Because somewhere...somehow...someday...we are all accountable...both for the things we have done...and for the things we have not done...
So I say...not on my watch...it ain't gonna go down like that on my watch...not if there is anything I CAN DO about it...not on my watch.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Somehow...someway...someday...
Have you ever had just "one of those experiences" where your life is passing by and you are in it but you are seeing it pass by as if you are watching someone else's life go by? Almost as if it were a movie you are just observing and that you are somehow separated and distanced in the experience. A separation that although an illusion...feels in the moment as if it is surreal. Some sort of a deja vu... a dream like state that is almost as if you have experienced it before...but you know this is the moment that you are in...and not another.
Sometimes...I feel as if my life has been lived before...as if I am not original in my being...that somehow...my soul is old...and that the energy that is me...the image that I possess to the outside world...is actually a review...or a recreation...of something that was once bold and new...fresh as the morning springtime dew on the light filled mint green leaf of an apple tree not positioned in an orchard but next to a small quiet stream running gently towards a bend in a sun drenched ravine with billowy cotton balls stuffed into a floating corner of an aqua sky...
Maybe I am a new soul...with new energy and I am a new creation...or....maybe I am an old soul.....rekindled and reborn...because I am not sure if it is real or imagined...if I am somehow someway so creative that I can conjure up knowledge, emotions, and wisdom that is beyond what I was sure of myself being capable of...because in some vague way I have the ability to see things as they are...and pull that knowledge at will...not all the time of course...but this happens to me in my life...I just see what is going on...the path...and I do not have access to the mechanism that creates this wellspring...there seems to be this faucet I am somehow someway always in fear of being suddenly turned off...and I am denied access to what I have always known as me...or my ability...which is a large part of who I am...and it...just.......goes........away....
Maybe I am an old soul...some...how....some...way...some...thing...inside of me...sees...there is a sense...of the prior...and therefore shines a light on the path...shows me what is going on...shows me where things are headed...and yet...I don't really know...am I illuminating a path...or just my own ego...hmm maybe somehow....someway...someday...I'll learn or know...
Sometimes...I feel as if my life has been lived before...as if I am not original in my being...that somehow...my soul is old...and that the energy that is me...the image that I possess to the outside world...is actually a review...or a recreation...of something that was once bold and new...fresh as the morning springtime dew on the light filled mint green leaf of an apple tree not positioned in an orchard but next to a small quiet stream running gently towards a bend in a sun drenched ravine with billowy cotton balls stuffed into a floating corner of an aqua sky...
Maybe I am a new soul...with new energy and I am a new creation...or....maybe I am an old soul.....rekindled and reborn...because I am not sure if it is real or imagined...if I am somehow someway so creative that I can conjure up knowledge, emotions, and wisdom that is beyond what I was sure of myself being capable of...because in some vague way I have the ability to see things as they are...and pull that knowledge at will...not all the time of course...but this happens to me in my life...I just see what is going on...the path...and I do not have access to the mechanism that creates this wellspring...there seems to be this faucet I am somehow someway always in fear of being suddenly turned off...and I am denied access to what I have always known as me...or my ability...which is a large part of who I am...and it...just.......goes........away....
Maybe I am an old soul...some...how....some...way...some...thing...inside of me...sees...there is a sense...of the prior...and therefore shines a light on the path...shows me what is going on...shows me where things are headed...and yet...I don't really know...am I illuminating a path...or just my own ego...hmm maybe somehow....someway...someday...I'll learn or know...
Monday, June 11, 2007
As time goes by...
One thing I am feeling today is honored. I had someone talk about a recent change in their life and told me that it was through information that came from me that this change took shape...which was very gratifying. I was not a party to it...but my comments were. That was nice.
I sat through an interview today and it was kind of an amazing experience because it was in front of a panel of 9 people and I was nervous however I was mindful throughout the experience and felt as if I actually did my best in that moment. Maybe I could have done better in another moment however I think I did well and that made me feel positive.
I keep thinking that I will find a way to move forward to the place I wish for or want to be...and then wondering if that place actually exists at all. I keep thinking it does...and then I keep questioning myself...
I thank God for the time I have had in this life...because in many ways I am continually surprised by how much I don't know and how much I don't understand. I am always learning...and always growing...even in bad times...especially in bad times would be more appropriate...since we learn our greatest lessons from our pain. Ahh but how many times I have wished for such knowledge and wisdom without the struggle...and I always come back to the same answer...full circle...it is because of the struggle that my life stays interesting...the challenge...is the journey.
It reminds me of watching a clock...how the hands go around and around...in a circle...covering the same ground...again and again...only to repeat the same chime...the same song...the same lesson...and yet...it is always new...as time goes by...
I sat through an interview today and it was kind of an amazing experience because it was in front of a panel of 9 people and I was nervous however I was mindful throughout the experience and felt as if I actually did my best in that moment. Maybe I could have done better in another moment however I think I did well and that made me feel positive.
I keep thinking that I will find a way to move forward to the place I wish for or want to be...and then wondering if that place actually exists at all. I keep thinking it does...and then I keep questioning myself...
I thank God for the time I have had in this life...because in many ways I am continually surprised by how much I don't know and how much I don't understand. I am always learning...and always growing...even in bad times...especially in bad times would be more appropriate...since we learn our greatest lessons from our pain. Ahh but how many times I have wished for such knowledge and wisdom without the struggle...and I always come back to the same answer...full circle...it is because of the struggle that my life stays interesting...the challenge...is the journey.
It reminds me of watching a clock...how the hands go around and around...in a circle...covering the same ground...again and again...only to repeat the same chime...the same song...the same lesson...and yet...it is always new...as time goes by...
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