It's Friday!

Whew...it's Friday! Wow what a long week. Have ya ever had the feeling that your life is just flying by in a big blur? I had a week like that this week.

I logged a lot of face to face hours at work this week and had some of it affect me to some degree. That's always hard...when I feel like I am doing good but I keep walking through others lives and spending a lot of energy on helping them...at some point I start to tip over to depleting my own energy and focus on my own life...

Sometimes I wonder what the cost of all this giving is....does it just drain me of...well...whatever...or does it energize me because I know I am helping people....hmm...dunno....jury is still out on that one...

Still...it is good to help...I hope I am helping...sometimes I wonder...I like being sure of things...and sometimes all this doing for others is hard because I really don't "know" if it really is helping...it is all up in the air and we will find out in time....I guess that leaves me with my effort...and in that I do feel pretty good...I do have plenty of room for improvement of course...but I do work pretty hard as well....DO tah DO tah DO...suffice it to say...life is good...and I am tired...but it is Friday! So I can spend some time with the girls and hang out a bit...and talk with my wife cause I miss talking with her...we get so darned busy...Yeah :)

I certainly like being able to help...and hope that I am...I know I know....ya can't help everybody...and I know I don't...but I am pretty sure I do help some of them...and that my friends...is worth it...every time....now if I can just fix my own stuff LOLOL...hmm...
:)

Let me tell ya...

So in between trips to see friends and to relax with family...with kids large and small along...life is going on...up and down...good and not so good...easy and hard...and while that is the way of things...as always...I find myself confronting things that I am having real difficulties with and unsure as to how I want to handle where I am surrounding my circumstances.

Today is Saturday...average weekend day so far...I cleaned up, dressed, and fed my daughter breakfast and got her those daily vitamins we give her to get her day started...I mowed front and back lawns and wrote an Email...and the girls are currently taking pictures...I'm sure Heather will have some up later today or tomorrow...

A regular leave it to beaver type of day...

Day before yesterday I was subpoenaed and had to go testify in court for a criminal child abuse case. This is the first time I have ever had to testify in a court case. I got through it and survived...I did not like it and it had a negative affect on me that is still reverberating...but it was a learning experience...that I truly hope I never have to repeat...but a learning experience all the same. I think I did well overall. I have no idea what effect my testimony would have on this case...but they all seemed to think it very important.

It amazes me how much of a game the experience is...the courtroom. It is a production...political...full of drama kings and queens putting on performances that rival the greatest of stage and screen...a ring master who presides over the production with a mix of boredom and exuberance...a procedure for every little thing...every little word questioned and examined as if a question rephrased...ever so slightly differently...or even sarcastically...will change my opinion or testimony and warrant some sort of pivot that sends one of the two players of the game reeling...one for the worse...one for the better...

The thing that may have bothered me the most though...was a choice of one of the prosecuting attorneys...to basically force me to look at pictures of the victim of the case, 3 pages worth...not just one or two pictures...even after I had testified as to reading the reports. I know what happened...thank you very much...I do not need to see it...

I deal in my daily profession...with children who have lived these realities...and some of which who are literally in the middle of living these realities...I was offended...as well as grossed out...hurt for the child and angry...both at the perpetrator and at the attorney...it was callous of her...and...it was intentional...very intentional...which to me makes it worse.

I let no one in the room see any of this in me of course...it did not change my testimony and it did not change my opinion of what I had to testify to...they told me to tell the truth...so help me God...and that is exactly what I did to the best of my ability...even after being rudely cut off and treated...more than once...by this same attorney....it wasn't needed or necessary...in my humble opinion.

Now an attorney reading this might say welp...ya know....it's all part of the game...nothing personal....but I have to tell ya...

I took it personally...very personally...it was personal to me...it might not have been to her...but it sure was to me...and for reasons that she...I am sure....does not even understand...she treated me like I do not understand what an abused child looks like...and has gone through...when honestly...I think I have a better understanding of it than she does...it's not because of pictures and what something looks like...but because I am one of the ones that they, the survivors, turn to...to try to heal from these atrocities...it just plain pissed me off...and hurt me...on multiple levels...

My prayer is for health...that child's...every child's...my own....that attorneys...that defendant...the judge and other people in that courtroom...because I don't want to hold on to anger or the pain...

I don't want to be in the fray...I want to actually help people...don't get me wrong...I am all for getting predators and people who can not control themselves off the streets to make it safe for my wife, kids, and family...not to even mention myself...and not to mention everyone else and their families...I know we need folks to do those things...to protect us...and I do appreciate that it is a difficult job...I can't tell you how glad I am...someone is out there to do that job...I just wish that people would stop to think about who it is they are talking to and what perspective they might have...instead of trying to be heavy handed and win...without consideration as to what their own actions are...because I walked out feeling very much like I had been abused myself...by the system and a person in it...who is supposedly fighting for justice...but it felt like she was just fighting to win...because she sure did not take me into consideration...and I would bet she doesn't even know how she hurt me...or why. She doesn't get it.

But I do...I get her...and the system...I know it's all we have...but damned if it isn't seriously flawed and hurtful.

Peace, sunsets, serenity, and prayer.

And the winner is...

So...I am totally into the Olympics this four year stretch and I am not exactly even sure why. Getting totally into it and am already feeling the first pulls of them being over soon. Yikes!

I am loosing sleep over this LOL...and I am OK with it. I have gotten to see some incredible moments...and sometimes asking myself...what are you doing? But all in all...it has been worth it this time around.

I am not usually into this stuff this much. Usually I will watch some stuff on TV...but not loose sleep over it. But I gotta be honest...it has been exciting this time around...and worth it. It started with the incredible opening ceremony. Wow...

It makes me think about the things possible and I guess that makes me feel good. What it is like to fulfill a long time fought for goal.

I just watched May/Walsh win gold...again...this time in the rain...amazing. Very cool.

What is possible? If you need to dig down deep...what can you accomplish? What's out there for ya?

Indeed...

For fun...

Welp...it has again been awhile since I last posted so I haven't improved that much...ahh vell...and nobody had any advice to give from my last post...hmm...everyone reading this must be as poor minded as I am LOL...or nobody's checkin in LOL...I guess I'm on my own to learn...

Today...momma's down visiting G with aunty Kymn so Harmony and I took Sarah Bear out to the zoo for a little fun in the sun. We had a good time mostly....although close to 1:00 Sarah, hot and very tired, started to cry...then it turned into a full on meltdown.

Daddy tried to make it better...Sissy tried to make it better...but the Boo Bear just wasn't havin any of it so we left and came home to put the big girl in bed. She had fun for awhile at least.














Getting some well needed warm sun!















This is Sissy trying to get Sarah to play like a goat and say Baahh! She never would lower herself to such nonsense LOL ;)

But sissy would!















This was Sarah's imitation of the monkeys we were looking at.














Our beautiful girl...with a mouthful of fingers.














And then things started to get hot...and someone started to get tired...soon after this...














things went south rather quickly...someone needed a nap.

There was a couple of folks from a program called Wild Things and they had a few animals there that they were presenting and showing off. Very cool and held Sarah's interests for a few minutes at least! :)

Here is a fairly large moniter lizard and a baby black bear.




























We had fun...mostly. The folks are bringing animals in for show at noon and 2:00 every weekend until Labor day. Fun stuff!

It's about time!

Welp...
Last week and the week before, Heather and I crossed milestones on our new jobs. Both of us hit the 6 months mark and are doing well. Both of us are having success and having struggles but we are making it...sure 'nuff.

I am currently less than 100 hours away of being 1/2 way to completing my 3000 hours and that is exciting. 1500+ hours and two tests away from being licensed and having some freedom to decide what I want to do next.

I haven't written in a while and haven't posted much this year so far. I am feeling bad about that because I should be sharing more and so I apologize to the two people who look at this LOL...I will try to do better in the second half of 2008.

Some of the problem for me has been stress. I am soo stressed out and I have not been doing great about releasing the pressure valves to relieve the problem for myself. I know better than this of course and so in recognizing this I am taking this as a step to try to start rectifying the problem.

One of the many things I am stressed about is money. I have been relegated to being a back up in my second job, which means they did not fire me, I am still an employee there for now...but they did take my groups and give them to another facilitator who is full time because the agency is "in financial straights" which basically eliminates me from making money from them...and in effect reducing my income.

The money I made from that 2nd job, for the last 6 months, has all gone into a savings account to be put into an investment...although I have not invested yet because I am unsure as to what to do what with the markets being what they are now...

Is there anyone out there who has a clue about making money and has a realistic suggestion as to what I can invest this money in before it is gone?...from good intentions...of course...but gone all the same.

Right now...we are $1,600 down out of the money that I put away just....cuz....pay bills...pay this...buy that....whatever...but the money is still gone and it is not being replaced. I was able to put back $600 into the account so that the amount rifled wasn't $2,200 but well...you get the point...I want a good chunk of this into a strong investment right away...so the temptation isn't there...to get lazy...

I have spent time reading, studying, & educating myself about finance and the markets, real estate, and basic financial literacy. I have a B.S. in business from a well respected private school. But I am not a financial planner, I do not know any financial planners, and I do not know anyone who is actually wealthy.

My definition of wealthy is when... one has passive income (this is income that comes in from assets and investments that one does NOT work for) that exceeds one's expenses. = Wealthy. I do not care about being rich...having fancy this or that...I mean it would be nice...but that isn't what I really want...I want my time...so if I have assets and investments that pay enough to pay my expenses...I will be a wealthy man...

This is my financial goal for me and my family. I KNOW it is do-able. I'm just not sure where to get started.

Is there anyone who has a clue as to what I am talking about and can help me get started? Please? What do I take a look at or who can I talk to? Any advice...anything that might help...throw a dog a bone...woof!

Anywah....this is where I want to go...got advice? :)

blog blog blog....

I'm not sure what it is that draws me to be so interested in the study of human nature...but I often attribute it to a study of my self and the people in my life. Ultimately though, I think it is because I relate what I learn to how I feel, what I see, those things I believe, and how I relate who I am in the framework of the world I live in. Me. But...

What are we supposed to be doing in our lives? Each of us has to figure that out for ourselves of course, but for me, I am all over the map and I am truly not sure.

I play, write, record, and create my own music. I also write in literary terms. I blog. I draw pictures and paint. I photograph and paint with light.

I teach. I counsel. I listen. I am a student always.

I problem solve. I am a seeker and I organize. I observe. I lead.

In all these things I have done almost all of them professionally.

With all this said...I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I am good at all this stuff. My passion is in the arts...music primarily...but I truly believe I would be good at other arts I haven't even done much of yet...drama...sculpture...but the point being I feel like this is really who I am. But it is not who I live to be professionally and that is at odds with what I actually live...on the inside.

So how do I resolve this? What do I need to do? I hate living the example for my kids of being someone that is not who I was put here to be...but is that really true? Am I really on the wrong track? Am I really supposed to be doing something else or am I exactly where I should be?

Hell if I know...

I go on photo shoots with my wife and I consciously try to take a lesser role often...because I want her to shine...and she does...because she is good. She is really good. So am I, but I want her to have the glory and praise.

I have pulled out of playing music professionally for the last two years...in part because it hurts me...to fiddle with it like it's some sort of hobby...when it is such a huge part of who I am. It feels like pouring salt into a wound at times...and of course at times it is a blast and I remember why I started it in the first place.

I have several book ideas and I want to be published...in something other than a blog LOL...something that I can actually make money at and have more than 3 or 4 people read LOL...but I really don't pursue this either...same with my art...my drawing...I fold it up and lock it away in me...I hide.

I hate that part of me. I feel like a coward. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I don't deserve it. The therapist in me knows where all that crappy thinking comes from...I know exactly where it comes from in me...although it still doesn't stop me from feeling it...just allows me to know intellectually it isn't true...but emotionally...it is often a different story...and that is a hard admission to make...because it is shaming...self shaming...but it is the truth. I feel how I feel.

So in the larger frame...who am I really? What am I really here to do?

I am here to tell the truth. My truth. Through my words. Through my music. Through my pictures. Through my artwork. Through my life. I am here to tell the truth... as best I can...to anyone that'll listen.

Hmm. I'm not sure that really helped me...but at least it is something. A direction. A place to start...so as not to stay corn-fused.

So I will tell the truth...and do my best to touch people wherever I can in my life...but I will fight to be healthy...and that means to tell the truth.

It's that time again...

So it has been awhile since I posted last and I thought I might toss another out there. Since it has been a whole 6 weeks or so since getting back from Hawaii this last time, I have talked to two people at work, who in that time either have just gone or are about to go and I am already jealous...I think I'm hooked LOL.

This coming week I face that annual date where certain things just stare you back in the face and I must admit...normally I try...I mean I really do put effort...into trying to be positive...but this week....with this date...it is really hard for me to keep that up and I do have a hard time with it.

I know I know...I should look to the positive...the good things in my life...those things that I really am remarkably grateful for...

and I am grateful...but I guess this is the one time in the year that...well...I just simply have to look at my own personal reality...as an individual....not just as a father/husband/professional/etc. etc.

Outside of my roles and relationships I am an individual and I sometimes struggle with my own reality. I think it was Henry David Thoreau that said, "most men live lives of quiet desperation". I may not have it exact but it is along those lines and I believe I agree with this. This is where the feeling of a loss of control in one's life comes into play and certainly part of that loss is in the aging process and the fact that we are all....and more objectively....I am....approaching an eventual end.

While that does come out a bit morbidly I must admit there is a variety of different levels of desperation and fear attached to this for me. The fear of some illness taking over my body...a sudden accident which will hurt me...or I think the thing I fear the most...the losing of my intellectual capabilities...not being who I am anymore....ack!

We all have these things to look forward at...not to of course but definitely at...and decide how we will proceed. I teach and even preach to people that one needs to think about who they are and who they want to be before one gets into the position of being faced with decisions and change. How you decide and what you act on do actually make up who you are.

Even though I have reached my dawn...and I have moved on...I forever watch the changing of the guard...and I see...how I will forever be losing me.

Piece by piece, mile by mile, I go the course of time, but I stay strong, because I am forever where I belong.

It's funny how creative expression...no matter how old one becomes...still holds strength in the message and a personal truth...which reigns.

Gina & Walt...please pray for them...

We have gotten back home from Maui (as of last night) and I miss it again already...but that is the least of where my mind is tonight. I have just left a note on my friend Gina's blog for her...because she is not able to do it at this time...thanking everyone for the support and love they have offered in the most terrible of times.

Late...last Tuesday night...the 12th...in Maui...after a great day of fun and sun...G & Walt got the phone call that no one can imagine getting. An accident...two sons...one survived...one in the hospital...critical...Walt was a trooper on the phone and getting information and thank God that Heather was there to comfort Gina...she was a life saver that night. G was devastated...and I can not...I will not...even allow myself...to imagine it. To be in her shoes. But there it was...a reality for G...

I felt helpless...numb...dumbstruck....how could this happen? Damn....OMG....I can't even think about it...we sat up for hours....trying to let it sink in...and trying to be there for Gina & Walt. Surreal....

I am human...I sat wanting this to not be true for G...hoping there was a mistake...and selfishly thinking of my own children...one son whom is approximately the same age...and I get sick to my stomach...I can't wrap my brain around all of it...the...all...of it....and it hit me square in the face...the reality and finality of it all...

Walt & G were on a plane the next day...their trip cut short...a pivot in their lives...nothing will ever be the same again...this is a fundamental shift in a person's reality...forever...and it will someday be all right again...but it ain't ever gonna be OK.

It's weird because I wrote the lyrics for this song...awhile ago...maybe a couple years or more...about this very thing...and this very sentiment...and it just brought it all back. I'd like to share it with you...

It Is Gonna Be All Right ©

Chorus:

It will never be OK…but it is gonna be all right

Yeah It ain’t ever gonna be OK…but it is gonna be all right

1 .And when those moments happen…and all the darkness seems like it’s night
2. And in those momentous moments…and all the blackness shows no light
3. And if those moments happen…where your heart just don’t want to fight

It ain’t ever gonna be OK…but it is/you are gonna be all right

Verse:

In all my days and selfish ways taking for granted the life I own
I looked upon the path I was on and didn’t realize how I’d grown
And in a flash of crimson ash and blackness I’d never known
I got the call that ended it all as I dropped the phone like a stone

I thought I knew what hurt could do until I heard that you had died
I never knew the depth that grew from knowing you’d never be by my side

Verse:

If I’d known I’d be on my own and living life without you
I’m not so sure that I could cure the sinking feeling of despair which grew
But in the light that I’d be right if I learned to live with love anew
I saw the fact that I’d attract the life that God gave me in real truth

I can never be so clever as to pretend that I will be the same
My life has changed and rearranged my portrait in my tear stained frame

Bridge:

But we are the chosen ones who have to take the lead
To tell the luckiest ones if not for those who really have the need
To rise above and live with love that passes through our hearts
And mending all those broken lives by telling where our story starts



Gina & Walt...I wish nothing but the best for you both and my heart goes out to you. May God bless you both for all of your days.

Namaste

Soon now...

Soon...

Soon we are Hawaii bound...soon...

Soon we are Maui bound....my home away from home...I can wait brah...I can't wait.

I just keep breathing...waiting...wanting...trying to be patient...and having such a hard time...but it will be over soon...the waiting...and I'll be able to breathe...

I'm not sure what it is about Maui...there is something spiritual about the place...something sacred...and I feel free there...except for those moments when I think about having to come back...and so it goes...I keep listening to bruddah IZ...his high sweet tenor booming in my ears from my Ipod while he takes me away to the green wet humid island...and the tradewinds of the Pacific....and the voice of God on that wind...calling me home...it is more than just a vacation...

My job is still going pretty good...still very stressed there because of deadlines and just trying to do my best...still in a huge enormous learning curve...but it is good...I am just learning sooo much.

I miss playing...my musical life is stifled...and I feel strangled by the loss of it...but I am not sure I have the time or energy to do anything big about it at least right now...which makes me feel like I am letting myself down...but I also know I will find the time to jumpstart myself like I always do when anything else takes a lot of my time...and that part of my life suffers...I always come back to it...always...it is in my soul...I can not help it...it is a part of me...a part of who I am...if only....if only....

Dreams are funny things...careful what you wish for...and be careful of what you aim for...because you will most likely hit it...and you may not be too happy with where you end up...especially if you aim too low...I need to follow my own damn advice...

What's left? What is there now? What's next? It seems like...to me...I should be shooting for something bigger now...raising my sights...and then I have this other part of me...who wants to go to Maui...to the west coast...to visit Kihei...and see my old friend...the beloved and sacred isle...to let my heart sing again...

I can't wait to see my daughters enjoying the sand and sea...my wife stand on the beach where we were married again...the green lush tropics...and the sights of humpback whales....the tattoo shop...the sunset over the neigboring isle...and the dream...I can feel it calling already...come on Brah...it's nutting over heeyah...it is truly all....good.

Honestly...

Ya know, I am pretty sure that where ever one goes in life, the issues and problems one has is taken with them and that as much as it is a possibility to change for us...and we do change...we are still who we are underneath it all.

I say this because no matter how much good I try to do...and no matter how much changing I actually do...there is something out there...always...that is just waiting to rear it's ugly head and try to convince me that somehow or another...I am in some way screwing something up.

But my question is why does it always seem to be about deficiencies? I mean honestly...why is it that it is so easy to focus on the negative in our lives and relationships? It is truly a more unhealthy means of communicating and when we talk to each other in these kinds of ways we end up tearing each other down. So what is the point of it really? Frustration? Envy? Spite? Resentment? A general lack of our own self-esteem? Not being able to be more creative in our approach? What is it?

It is about fulfilling a need of some sort...I do know that much...but what the payoff is I am not sure. I guess it is different for each individual and even each situation. But honestly...it is tiring. I so want to focus on the good in my life. The positive stuff that helps me to keep on going. I mean really...why is that so hard to do?

I want to be honest. With myself and with everyone else. But honestly...I hurt people and scare people when I am totally honest...so...there ends up being some sort of a balance there...a filter. I will be honest...but not tell you everything necessarily...and then we can still be OK with each other. But honestly...that sucks.

I would much rather just tell you like it is...and then hear it back the same way from others...so that I can know what I need to work on...and give you the same...but not be told in some demeaning fashion...that is out of wanting to jab at me...but to help me change...in a way that supports and even facilitates change in me...it seems like people are so concerned with their own stuff...that we forget how we are making others feel when we tell them what we think...so where is the middle ground? Where does it become balanced? How do I balance my needs with those of others?

I guess these are the eternal questions...this is life...it is messy...and real...but it is what it is. Honestly...