What it all means...

Sooo...

Stockton....California...has been nationally....in the top 3 or so...and number 1 several times for over the past year...on the list of highest home foreclosures...as I said....in the nation...this town has one of the highest illiteracy rates in the entire country...probably because of being in the valley of growers and we have a high population of farm workers...many of whom are illiterate...then we recently get the news by some one's research (a big company like Forbes but I don't remember who it was exactly) and reporting...again nationally...that Stockton California is one of if not "the" unhappiest cities "in the nation"...and then recently...within the last week...I heard on the news that one of the high schools here in town (it happens to be the one I attended and sent 3 of my 4 children to) has one of the worst rates of graduation in the state...in...the entire state....and other high schools here in this city are not far behind it...with less than 50 %...average currently here in town at like a 46 % or below graduation rate...and then to top it all off...I hear on the news this last week...that this city is one of the most violent in the nation...within the top 3...THE TOP 3!....IN THE NATION!....

The news caster goes on...that means we are worse than Detroit........Philadelphia........etc. etc. and I am thinking now...hmm...things that make me go...Hmm...

My 25 year old son was hit in the face by a stranger outside a liquor store on this last New Years Eve...over like $1.30...because the person (read bum/loser/jerk@#%) asked for this odd amount as my son and daughter-in-law went in and again as they went out...and then as my son came out...this....person...sucker punched him....from behind...like the coward he is...as hard as he could...coming from in back of and behind my son, splitting my son's lip and causing his teeth to come through below his lower lip and needing a host of stitches...inside and out...all this in front of his wife.....he then ran away. He was caught quickly...the perpetrator was prosecuted on a reduced and lesser charge than the aggravated assault and battery that it was...to a simple battery...a misdemeanor...after causing fairly serious and permanent injury to my son...who already has Cystic Fibrosis and spends a good deal of his time on oxygen from a tank (although he wasn't using it at that particular moment)......so that the D. A.'s office can process it quickly, easily, and unencumbered. There are too many people out at the county jail and they are routinely letting people out to release the congestion. The same for our prisons. I know this from having been a facilitator for 3 years of court ordered domestic violence and anger management classes. This is the reality we live in.

The D.A.'s office tells my son that the attorneys don't want or need to talk to him or his wife...the witness to the crime...no need...they will call if the D.A. needs to talk to them and BTW please do not come down here and try to talk with anyone or come to court...no need...no need for going after a felony either BTW...even though there is a permanent scar on my son's face...even though a police officer taking their statements on the scene told them that they had caught this same guy doing this same thing to someone else at an earlier date...and that person refused to file charges (probably out of fear). So he was back out on the street and able to do it again...this disgusts me.

The guy spent 30 days or less in the county jail...and then he will most likely have to do a 16 week program...just like or maybe even the same one's I used to teach...and probably pay fines...and that will be it....except for one little problem...this whole insane thing happened because this jerk was panhandling for a buck thirty...Do you think he will pay his restitution? I do not. The county...will never get their money.

I counseled folks like this for three years and I can not even tell you how many times I listened to grown adults talk about not needing to take responsibility...because they can skirt the system and get away with it...and they laugh about it...it is a joke to many of them because they know the game...and I promise you folks...from someone that has worked inside that system...it is a game. It is not about justice...it is about numbers. I tried my best....to make a difference in the lives of the people I counseled...and some of them told me that I did exactly that. But I could not get to everybody...and I can not make anyone else change. I did what I could in the 3 years I worked in that system...I tried...and succeeded...at least to some degree.

Then I think about the shooting right outside my home less than two years ago...50 feet from my bedroom. My car took a bullet....which was headed into my neighbor's children's room if it hadn't hit my car...and my neighbor's car took a bullet....which was headed into my brother's bedroom if it had not hit their car...and a young man took a bullet and lay in the street across the street diagonally from my house. I heard that he was paralyzed from the ribs or waist down. June will be two years ago. I blogged about it then.

http://docsdoxology.blogspot.com/2007/06/911what-is-your-emergency.html

What's more...only about four months after that...I was very near another shooting while doing my domestic violence and anger management classes at work. Praise God no one was injured in that one but it happened as a drive by...they sprayed one of my group member's car with bullets...13 to be exact...I counted...and there were people on the porch in front of the house that the car was parked at and children around in the neighborhood. I blogged about that one too.

http://docsdoxology.blogspot.com/2007/10/bang-bang.html

So with all that stuff running around in my head...I am thinking...dang...I don't want to raise Sarah in this mess. Who's afraid of Compton, south central, or Harlem? I have heard that some of the tough guys from south bay...around San Jose area...where gangs run rampant...are afraid to come up into Stockton...because they know it's the real deal here.

My brother calls a couple weeks ago with a business idea. Good idea I tell him...something on order of an idea we have discussed for years. But he wants to do it here. Yikes. I tell him how I am feeling and we have a long discussion.

I don't want to have another incident happen to one of my family. My son that was attacked and his wife are leaving and while that is very hard for Heather and I we are also jealous because we want to move towards the coast ourselves. I want to raise Sarah in a place where this cute, fun, very smart and talented girl will thrive...and not just exist. But it just isn't that simple. No matter how much we might want to get out of here...we don't exactly have a support network anyplace that we might go to...so we will mostly be on our own...and we don't want to get too far away from any of my kids...not to mention the finances for doing something like that. It feels as if...no matter which way we go...there is a piece of something that we will have to leave behind...and it will be a hard financial road to get there.

This has been my home. All of my life...I was born here...I grew up here...buried my father here (so to speak)...I had my own children here...got married here...the first time at least LOL...the second time around I got smarter. I asked myself...why NOT get married on a white sandy beach...in Hawaii? I couldn't think of an answer! Heather couldn't think of an answer! So that is exactly what we did!

We were even blessed enough to have another couple with us...good friends...that were able to share the experience with us. Then a year later we did it all over again with all my kids and both our moms and Heather's step-dad and other friends and family in attendance at a beautiful B&B in Point Reyes...all of this was April 28th (Maui) and April 29th (Point Reyes) 3 and 4 years ago respectively. Our anniversary...the 28th of April...was chosen because that signifies the day we actually met...11 years ago. Tomorrow. This...has been quite and adventure.

So tomorrow H and I will make it officially 11 years...and in that time we have had real ups and real downs...but we have stayed strong through it all...even in the nation's most foreclosed, illiterate, drop out ridden, depressed, and dangerously violent places in these United Stated.

Between us there are four amazing people that we have been blessed by being able to call them our children, a home, 3 master's degrees, careers, a growing photography business, music, art, web sites and blogs, and more blessings and memories than we can count.

Maybe...someday...we will be able to make a leap...a leap of faith...and who knows what will come from it...but I bet...no matter what...it will be a great adventure...and create fantastic new memories...and hopefully...God willing...lead us to an even better example to the people that we come in contact with in our lives.

Babe...I love you.
Happy anniversary.
May the next 11 years be even more rewarding and may the 11 years after that raise the bar even further.
May we always strive to be better people, better parents, and better citizens of the world.

Surreal...

I had a weird experience this week. It was just...surreal.

As I mentioned in the blog prior to this one I recently got a couple of traffic tickets and so they were due to be paid and taken care of this week. On my lunch from work Tuesday I went down to the court house to pay them and take care of business.

As I approach the building I see the police have the small parking lot next to the court house blocked off and as I get closer I see a glut of vans and trucks with tall antennas and every news logo you can imagine. I drive around to go to the back side of the building. That road is also blocked off and filled with more news crews. What is going on here?!? I have to travel another two blocks to go around to try to reach the parking structure...I go in, park, and start walking to the court house.

As I am approaching the building I am struck with the feeling that I am very close to the middle of something...something big. There is excitement in the air...the people are buzzing around and the photographers, both still and video, are lined up along the walkway as if there is an invisible red carpet laid out in front of my path. They are huddled in packs...shoulder to shoulder...and they have a hungry look in their eyes. I might have even seen one drool a little...not sure.

The good news is they are looking straight past me and I am very OK with that. This is an uneasy feeling. The air is heavy with anticipation and the crews are thick and ready. There are news reporters actually doing stories all around me...all three networks...locals...etc. talking into microphones and looking earnestly into cameras...answering questions from their anchors...it is about 12:05 and they are all broadcasting. As I walk up the ramp to the court house, to my left I see a small forest of video camera tripods standing in front of a large row of microphones...clearly there is going to be a press conference at some point...but the cameras are on shoulders and pointed in all different directions...moving and searching. There is anticipation in the air. They smell something coming.


I asked people to let me through because they were excited and adrenalin was pumping...there was a semi-politeness to it...they were not rude...but it was evident that they could be...and they appeared like blood hounds on a trail...alert...anxious...blood pumping...ready. I made it through with only being bumped into twice...and I realized why they were there.

I realized that today...that Tuesday...they were bringing in to court the woman they have arrested and accused of murdering that little 8 year old girl...Sandra Cantu...in Tracy. I hadn't thought about it when I left home that morning...or work just prior...that this was happening here this day. I just wanted to pay my traffic and brake light fines and go on about my business and day...I didn't know that I would get exposed to this...circus...this sick...negative...bloodthirsty gathering.

I make it to the security gate where I have to take off my belt, watch, and lanyard for work and empty pockets. As I get ready to go through the metal detector someone ahead of me is telling the security guard that, "if she really did it I hope that they kill her". I go through the metal detector and as I am retrieving my stuff from the other side I look up to my left and see Tim so and so from News 10 being hassled about his belt. I look up to my right and it is Mike Lesalle from KCRA News 3 coming through and putting his belt back on literally shoulder to shoulder to me. I am taking my time. These guys are in an all out hurry.

Then I look up and there is commotion and movement from outside. A lot of noise coming through and all the cameras are focused in one direction. There is pushing and shoving...yelling...the blood hounds are barking. Then I see what all the commotion is about. I see the Cantu family. I see the large man first...he is the slain girls uncle and he is trying to make a path for the aunt and the mom. There is a woman in a bright blue blazer with them. I recognize her but I can't exactly place the face. I thought because of the way she was dressed that maybe she was a lawyer. Later I realized...this was the mother of Shondra Levy...the intern who went missing and was eventually found dead. I am still pulling my belt on...looping it through my pants and feeling rather exposed by all the cameras and attention...I am in the background but I can feel the heat of it...and frankly...it is most unpleasant.

At earlier times in my life I dreamed of getting press attention for making movies...making music...cameras...reporters...my name in lights...but surely not like this. This...is...something quite different. Surreal. A month ago...the family of Sandra Cantu from Tracy was living their lives...unaware...blissfully unaware....that they would be facing this on this Tuesday.

I saw a couple of the 11:00 news reports and I saw the family...walking up the same path as I had just moments prior...I saw the uncle barking at the photographers because they were impeding their entry into the court house. They are not respectful...in the way they treat these people...they are doing their job...I understand that...but they are so hungry and thirsty for that shot that they get rude...disrespectful...and they lose their humanity and dignity...because of the frenzy...it is truly surreal.

I was surprised by several things but I think the thing that stuck with me...that affected me...was being that close to it. I see it on the TV all the time...news stories and journalists trying to get the shot or story...but that is the closest I have been to the actual...and I gotta tell ya...as an outsider looking in...I really felt bad for the family. Haven't they been through enough? It was weird.

May God be with them and all of us...and may we really look at why we do what we do.

Venting...phew...

I am kind of feeling...well...sort of out of sorts...and I am not exactly sure if this is the place to bring it out but I will vent a bit anyway. Not that I even really know exactly what the heck the point is...other than to just vent...I have several things going on and so it isn't a simple thing...I have a lot on my plate. Don't we all?



Money problems, house problems, health issues, work issues, I haven't had a traffic ticket in like...20 years or something like that and then recently I got 2 in one week...luckily one is just a fix-it-ticket...all my stuff from my garage is still in my back yard...and it's raining...and earlier this week my son and his wife tell me they are moving far away in two weeks (far away is a 3 hour drive from here)...along with what he is planning to do concerning his health. He has Cystic Fibrosis and could definitely be a lot healthier...he isn't doing all that great.


I want the best for them and I want him to be healthy. I am glad that they are doing what they feel they need to do...and they are getting help from friends of mine...which is very nice of them to offer it up...but it breaks my heart in some ways...and I will miss them...more than either of them could ever know.


They are no longer going to be a phone call away...dinners or visits...and especially not here for Sarah to enjoy. I know they are doing what they need to do...and I am proud of them for having the guts to do that...but I would be lying if I said it doesn't bother me...quite a lot.



Of course nothing is ever simple. Later in the week I have a conversation with someone else concerning a matter of the same magnitude but regarding a different person very close to me. Sorry to be so cryptic but information has not been shared with all parties so I therefore must be secretive for now. None the less it was news of the same proportion and magnitude and thereby carried with it the same weight.



A lot of meaningful change in a short amount of time.



All this at a time when we are struggling in my household with basic things as well. Heather is struggling with what she can and can't eat, worried about her weight loss and health, concerned about whether or not she is where she is supposed to be. Both of us are concerned for Sarah and how to decide the next phases of her development, education, and growth. We are both so concerned about this little girl being alone...we want to make sure she is surrounded with love and people she can love and will learn good things from.



Both of us are stressed about our jobs...both on multiple levels...meaning...will we still have jobs considering the national economy and the health of our state here in California...and that we both work for governmental entities...as well as the fact that we both are having personal struggles on our own individual jobs...for individual reasons. Neither of us have easy jobs...and we struggle often with just getting through the week.



The stress is overwhelming at times...



I am sleeping less and less. I can't seem to even get 6 hours a night at this point...and it is getting worse. I woke up today before 5:00 AM and this is a Saturday...after going to bed at midnight. I have health things going on as well...and that isn't helping.



To top it all off I am not doing what I know to do to make my own personal stress level better. The stuff I teach and preach for a living. We need places to vent and express. We need ways to release or it builds. Why?!? you might be asking yourself...aren't I doing what I do know?...and truthfully...if I knew that I wouldn't be feeling like this. Of course I can rationalize...and I do sometimes....but the truth is...I personally believe it is the stress itself coming from so many different directions with a force that I am almost constantly feeling build inside and against me...leaves me feeling drained. I do mindfulness, meditative, and stress relieving exercises at times but the current and pressure is too swift and I can't keep up.



One of the best vents I ever discovered in my life has been music and playing guitar. I have had a passion for it for decades. Sometimes...I just hold on to my guitar...and feel the fretboard...under my fingers...because I am truly in love with it. The guitar is a part of me. Now though...I still play but I am struggling with it...again on multiple levels...including having physical problems with my hands...and it is becoming more and more difficult for me...so at this point playing is as much physical therapy for me and less about venting or creating...which changes the experience greatly. I also have nobody that I play with and I greatly miss that...as well as missing performing. I love to play for people and watch them groove to my melody...my beat. There's nothing like it.



For a time many years ago...I was struggling with the feeling of letting myself down concerning music and so I turned to drawing. I had a passion for drawing and loved it...for years and through art classes and drawing groups...now...I barely pick up a pen or pencil. When I do...I still get compliments on the work I produce...but I feel cut off. I have loved to read since I was very little and I got to love writing...and at least I am doing some writing on my two blogs...but it has become increasingly infrequent and I have had a harder time focusing to be able to write the way I would like to.



I love photography and capturing people and places...moments...moments in the meantime...and the creative focusing while taking the picture is fun...and feels creative...and I am still doing this with Heather in our business...although I think it is correct to say that I have not been shooting very much outside of business or family times...which again...bothers me.



I am a man of many passions and this reality has always been one of the personal truths I have really liked about myself and been proud of...but lately...I am feeling deflated and out of touch with my own creativity and inner strength.



I know I probably sound like I'm whining...I am a blessed man with a good family, a job where I get to help people for a living, relatively good health, a good marriage, and I have at least half a brain and a few talents to enjoy. All this is true. But I am feeling like I am not completely here...with all my passions firing...and I am less for it.



And...I miss Maui...



Anybody got any suggestions?

Welp...it's kinda like...

In today's world...we have many choices and many things we have to decide on everyday. Choices, choices, and more choices...we can get bogged down with decisions and options...which way do we go and what would be better...left....or right...should we this or should we that...which is better...which is worse...on and on.

I find myself sometimes creating an overwhelming array of obstacles for myself based on deteriorating processing power with my ever taxed brain, feeling about as up to speed as a caricatured cartoon of myself.

Have you ever wondered about what you would look like as a cartoon? I think I would still be round...but more bouncy :)

Hmm...I wonder if things get easier somewhere down the line...I'm thinking that I need to switch tracks if I want it easier but then I wonder if that would give me what I really want. I tend to doubt it...I think it would simply create a new set of the same ol' same ol'.

So what then...can one do...without making one's self crazy?

Have you ever been on vacation and not brought your watch? I did that once...we went on a cruise...and I didn't bring my watch...on purpose...a choice...cause I didn't want to be reminded of schedules and timetables...and we went on a nice relaxing cruise...where every 5 minutes...a new activity was starting somewhere on the ship...tons of things to do...if you can simply get to them on time...I had to buy a stupid cheap watch...just to be able to keep up LOL...

So much for spontaneous...

Kinda reminds me of hanging out the window of a car...when I was all of about 3-4 years old...butt on the car door and hanging out the window...hands on the roof of the car...traveling down highway 50 coming back from Tahoe snaking along the river with the wind in my hair and patting my hands on the roof of the car...feeling free...until my dad looked back at me from behind the wheel and freaked out...seeing his kid hanging out the back window of a car speeding down a winding highway LOL...I thought it was a good idea at the time...

Hmm...choices...kinda makes me wonder...what if I would have...manOman do I have some doosies...LOL...

Isn't it absurd how time flies by...and what's up with this having it go faster as you get older stuff. It seems to me that it really ought to be the other way around. Somehow that feels like we're being ripped off.

How's about a downshift? Maybe it would be better to hit the clutch and grab the gearshift and get into 3rd gear...slow 'er down...not to coast...of course...but damn...I was so much more peddle down 20 years ago...LOL...now I keep looking for some other way...

Have you ever had a label that you didn't like? Most of us have at some time or another...sometimes we adjust and grow accustomed to the label and sometimes it gets worse as time goes on...I have one like that...more than one actually...it's my own doing mind you...no one elses...this one label...but I am not liking it...I need to change it...needing to DO something about it...

Choices...hmm...

Decisions decisions

Sooo...I'm fat. I'm not 800 pounds...but I am fat...

Now...I know I'm fat...but it is a weird thing to see pictures of myself because I do not see myself as how fat I really am...and when I see the reality of it...well...it is disturbing to see at the least...and at most it is just plain out and out scary. I had that experience this week...a picture of Sarah and I together...and it wasn't expected.

My lovely wife Heather just got home today after having the gastric bypass surgery and she is just beginning this journey...but in the next year she is profoundly going to change physically. She keeps asking me how I feel about going through the same thing myself...and I keep telling her that I am still thinking about it...which is the truth.

The catch is...I have a preexisting colon problem that I was born with...and this surgery could/would impact that condition...and I asked her surgeon about this and he confirmed it...so it is not simply a fear of mine...it is a reality....however he also told me that he could do a similar but different form of the surgery on me (a procedure called "the sleeve" which effectively actually removes most of the stomach from the body but does not involve the smaller intestine, therefore it's form and method is not malabsorbtion as Heather's surgery but restriction) and then given some time...a few months...he would reevaluate for a second surgery to remove some of my colon to fix the colon problem I was born with.

This was...to say the least....shocking to me...I was told by a surgeon at the age of 12 years that this was inoperable...that I would live with this the rest of my life and there wasn't much I could do about it. I have learned through my own personal growth that there are things I can do about my condition and it has made an enormous difference for me both in function and in overall health in this regard (Heather's surgeon was impressed when I told him how much I have improved on my own just in the last 4-5 years). I can be proactive and it does make a difference. But I have operated (no pun intended) under the belief all these years, that I would just have to live with this forever and try to do my best. Now...I find out that this belief is no longer true.

That is profound for me. The thought of being normal in that regard has always been a dream that is completely unattainable for me. Now...the idea is no longer unattainable but very real and the surgeon was very frank and casual about this, telling stories of others whom he has done similar things for, albeit not for the same reason.

So I am left with a great big void of uncertainty...and an even more daunting question...do I go through two major surgeries...risk my life twice...to loose this weight and to get rid of a lifelong digestive problem? Would I truly be better off by all of the pain and risk...the possibilities are exciting and scary as hell.

I would be the ideal candidate for a gastric bypass type of surgery...other than the colon thing...I have three of the four conditions they ask about and use as qualifying factors, I have lost 75 pounds on my own and put it all back on plus more...and then lost 30 pounds through weight watchers last year ...and have put it all back on plus...and concerning the surgery her surgeon told me..."ya gotta do it"...and I am still trying to figure out if that is the sales pitch of a businessman plying his trade....or if he is actually right...and if he is correct...then maybe I should be doing everything I can so that I can be here and be healthy for decades to come.

My goal...at this point in my life...is to still be here and have a good and positive quality of life...by the time Sarah is my age...which would put me well into my 80's...and in order to accomplish this task...I need to get this stinkin weight off...and keep it off.

I am in a weird position because...realistically...I have lost 75 pounds before on my own...using a book I bought as a guide...a book called, "Weigh Less, Live Longer" by Dr. Arrone. Good book and I used it effectively, it works. I now "know" I could get this weight off. I do not question whether or not I could get it off. The problem I have is that I can't seem to keep it off. I am an addict and I use food as a drug to relieve my stress and use it as a friend when I need to feel better or differently. Maybe cutting my stomach out and having it completely removed, except for a 2-3 oz. pouch, is the answer. That is scary though. Even the surgery that Heather has had does not remove the organ from the body...they just place it to the side but it is still there.

Should I just....basically...loose/amputate my stomach....and for that matter some of my colon while I am at it? Is this really my only way? Or should I be allowing my weight and the medical complications from it to take me down slowly? Yuck...

How the hell did I end up here? Not in a million years would I have guessed earlier in my life that I would have this as a decision to face. There seems to me to be no clear and easy answer here. Everything is still on the table as for this moment...but I gotta tell ya...I am really struggling with this one...

Both paths are scary. Even if I lost all my weight through diet and exercise...which is still on the table too BTW...could I keep it off? Could I change me so much that I never go back to the way that I have lived the last several years? That...is the final question...and I am in no way reassured that I would be able to accomplish the long term goal. I "know" I could do the short term goal...but could I keep it off? That...that is the real question...hmm....I wish I knew...

It's Friday!

Whew...it's Friday! Wow what a long week. Have ya ever had the feeling that your life is just flying by in a big blur? I had a week like that this week.

I logged a lot of face to face hours at work this week and had some of it affect me to some degree. That's always hard...when I feel like I am doing good but I keep walking through others lives and spending a lot of energy on helping them...at some point I start to tip over to depleting my own energy and focus on my own life...

Sometimes I wonder what the cost of all this giving is....does it just drain me of...well...whatever...or does it energize me because I know I am helping people....hmm...dunno....jury is still out on that one...

Still...it is good to help...I hope I am helping...sometimes I wonder...I like being sure of things...and sometimes all this doing for others is hard because I really don't "know" if it really is helping...it is all up in the air and we will find out in time....I guess that leaves me with my effort...and in that I do feel pretty good...I do have plenty of room for improvement of course...but I do work pretty hard as well....DO tah DO tah DO...suffice it to say...life is good...and I am tired...but it is Friday! So I can spend some time with the girls and hang out a bit...and talk with my wife cause I miss talking with her...we get so darned busy...Yeah :)

I certainly like being able to help...and hope that I am...I know I know....ya can't help everybody...and I know I don't...but I am pretty sure I do help some of them...and that my friends...is worth it...every time....now if I can just fix my own stuff LOLOL...hmm...
:)

Let me tell ya...

So in between trips to see friends and to relax with family...with kids large and small along...life is going on...up and down...good and not so good...easy and hard...and while that is the way of things...as always...I find myself confronting things that I am having real difficulties with and unsure as to how I want to handle where I am surrounding my circumstances.

Today is Saturday...average weekend day so far...I cleaned up, dressed, and fed my daughter breakfast and got her those daily vitamins we give her to get her day started...I mowed front and back lawns and wrote an Email...and the girls are currently taking pictures...I'm sure Heather will have some up later today or tomorrow...

A regular leave it to beaver type of day...

Day before yesterday I was subpoenaed and had to go testify in court for a criminal child abuse case. This is the first time I have ever had to testify in a court case. I got through it and survived...I did not like it and it had a negative affect on me that is still reverberating...but it was a learning experience...that I truly hope I never have to repeat...but a learning experience all the same. I think I did well overall. I have no idea what effect my testimony would have on this case...but they all seemed to think it very important.

It amazes me how much of a game the experience is...the courtroom. It is a production...political...full of drama kings and queens putting on performances that rival the greatest of stage and screen...a ring master who presides over the production with a mix of boredom and exuberance...a procedure for every little thing...every little word questioned and examined as if a question rephrased...ever so slightly differently...or even sarcastically...will change my opinion or testimony and warrant some sort of pivot that sends one of the two players of the game reeling...one for the worse...one for the better...

The thing that may have bothered me the most though...was a choice of one of the prosecuting attorneys...to basically force me to look at pictures of the victim of the case, 3 pages worth...not just one or two pictures...even after I had testified as to reading the reports. I know what happened...thank you very much...I do not need to see it...

I deal in my daily profession...with children who have lived these realities...and some of which who are literally in the middle of living these realities...I was offended...as well as grossed out...hurt for the child and angry...both at the perpetrator and at the attorney...it was callous of her...and...it was intentional...very intentional...which to me makes it worse.

I let no one in the room see any of this in me of course...it did not change my testimony and it did not change my opinion of what I had to testify to...they told me to tell the truth...so help me God...and that is exactly what I did to the best of my ability...even after being rudely cut off and treated...more than once...by this same attorney....it wasn't needed or necessary...in my humble opinion.

Now an attorney reading this might say welp...ya know....it's all part of the game...nothing personal....but I have to tell ya...

I took it personally...very personally...it was personal to me...it might not have been to her...but it sure was to me...and for reasons that she...I am sure....does not even understand...she treated me like I do not understand what an abused child looks like...and has gone through...when honestly...I think I have a better understanding of it than she does...it's not because of pictures and what something looks like...but because I am one of the ones that they, the survivors, turn to...to try to heal from these atrocities...it just plain pissed me off...and hurt me...on multiple levels...

My prayer is for health...that child's...every child's...my own....that attorneys...that defendant...the judge and other people in that courtroom...because I don't want to hold on to anger or the pain...

I don't want to be in the fray...I want to actually help people...don't get me wrong...I am all for getting predators and people who can not control themselves off the streets to make it safe for my wife, kids, and family...not to even mention myself...and not to mention everyone else and their families...I know we need folks to do those things...to protect us...and I do appreciate that it is a difficult job...I can't tell you how glad I am...someone is out there to do that job...I just wish that people would stop to think about who it is they are talking to and what perspective they might have...instead of trying to be heavy handed and win...without consideration as to what their own actions are...because I walked out feeling very much like I had been abused myself...by the system and a person in it...who is supposedly fighting for justice...but it felt like she was just fighting to win...because she sure did not take me into consideration...and I would bet she doesn't even know how she hurt me...or why. She doesn't get it.

But I do...I get her...and the system...I know it's all we have...but damned if it isn't seriously flawed and hurtful.

Peace, sunsets, serenity, and prayer.