Where do I go from here?

I wish I knew where I fell off the path in my life...took a left turn that was subtle...not a pivot at the time...just a step...and then another....and then another. Where I am now I sometimes don't recognize. How the heck did I get here? I'm not sure where I put things down and picked other things up...wandering in my own dark forest...looking...searching...for something...for balance...for self...for freedom...

I am chasing a license to practice as a marriage and family therapist and in order to do that I have to complete 3,000 hours as an intern. As of today...I have only 50 hours left to go. I am so close I can taste it...and yet...even as I close in on my goal...I feel like I am fulfilling only part of who I am or what I offer. I have more to give...and utilize...more to offer...more to explore...

What do I expect of myself? Why do I yearn for so much more...am I being realistic?

I've spent sooo much of my life playing guitar...playing music...and currently I am hiding from it...but every time I pick up a guitar...today...this afternoon...night before last...and I listen...my words...my notes...my music...my life...I am there...and I speak...

What the hell did I let go of? I am pissed off about it...hurt by it...twisted by it...and it is of my own doing.

Now...my hands hurt...and putting my hands on her...my old friend...my other wife or mistress...the one whom I share all my intimacies with...all my emotions bared...and who doesn't judge me...but partners with me to bring God's work forth...His gift....to me...through my hands...through the wood...and the steel...to my ears...and others hearts...to the world...this is THE only place...where my hands don't hurt as much.

Last May...a doctor...an orthopedist...diagnosed me with carpel tunnel...and I have it in both hands...gave me a shot in my left palm....that hurt like hell...and then he sent me to a neurologist...who tested me...who confirmed...yeup...carpel tunnel...you got it...both hands...right hand is worse...but it is my left that has more pain...a trigger finger with my middle finger...and I am certain that it has to do with using the old, outdated, computer systems and non-ergonomic desks at my workplace...because that is where I have the most pain...not at home...not playing the guitar...actually playing is the one place...the only place...that actually relieves my pain...both physically and emotionally...spiritually...using whatever level of gift God has given me...

I am not saying that I am the most talented or gifted...but there is something there...something that is beyond little old me...something more...because I feel it...feel Him...when I play.

I am a father...I am a teacher...I am a mentor...I am a therapist and counselor...I am a business owner...I am an artist...I am a photographer...I am a writer....I am a philosopher...I am a student...I am more than all these things...but all that said and done...I am a guitarist...I am a musician...I am called to it...it speaks to me...it calls me...and frankly...I am not heeding the call...and I feel the lessened for it...I feel the tear in my heart and soul...it pulls at my spirit...and I know...I know...

There was a point in my life where playing music was hard for me because I felt like a failure. I beat myself up over it all the time and everytime I played it was a reminder...I never stopped playing...I kept my chops up...but I became emotionally cut off...so I switched my emotional release to art...and drawing...I worked for 3 years to develop that skill...and this was where I was able to take that...

But....

Whatever else I am....whatever else I can do...at heart...I am a guitarist...and I am a musician...even if it isn't how I make my living today...this is who I am...but almost no one knows it...only those that are closest to me...and only those that are truly closest to me...have heard MY music...know my voice from those strings...and I question why haven't I believed my contribution is worth it? Why am I not enough?

I hear songs on the radio that sound like things I have already written...listen to guitar solos that sound as if I could have played them...even before they have been put out...I was playing similar pieces...that was part of how I knew I was headed in the right direction musically...

I may not be the greatest...but I am no worse than those that the world listens to...those that are out there...those that everyone...including myself...admire...and yet...here I am...an unknown...unimportant...unnoticed...I will not be remembered...not for my music...which is such a HUGE part of who I am...and not even my family will remember...will know...there is something fundamentally wrong with that...I think...

Maybe I can't make the world stand up and listen...maybe I will never have the attention and validation I crave publicly...but my kids should know me...they should know who their father could have been...

My daughter in law...Breanna...said to me a year ago or less...and this is someone I have known now for 10 years at least..."I never got to see you play...I mean with a band...I know you play rock and roll and blues...but I have never seen it...I've never heard it"...she is my son's wife...and she has never even seen what I can do...who I am...she hears me play my acoustic guitars...but has no clue as to what I am capable of musically...for goodness sakes...for someone that has invested most of their life's desire in the pursuit of musical recognition...and to have nothing to show for it...there is something really....really...wrong with that...and it makes me look at something I hate to see in myself...I quit. I gave up. I let the dream drift over me...like a warm summer's breeze...to quote a song I like LOL...and I sit here tonight missing it...and regretting...

So where do I go from here? Pursue another career...I am doing that...concentrate on becoming a better dad and husband...I am doing that too...search for balance in my life....I am working on that front as well. But those things just aren't healing my heart. I miss who I was trying to be...who I aspired to be...and I know...I let myself down...I let my dream drift away from me...and I am poorer for it. The bigger question is though...

Where do I go from here?

I was jez thinking...

Anytime I stop long enough to think about it...I see my life and environment as supportive...but also volatile...and while I know that in times where things are going well...I think it is fitting that my thoughts and focus remain on those things positive in my life...I also know that when there come those times where things are not going the best they can be...in those moments...I tend to try to stay focused on those things that are healthy. I am not nearly as concerned about right or wrong....good or bad...as much as I am concerned about healthy...

In my life...especially in my work...I see a lot of unhealthy...but I am there to try to help people help themselves so it makes sense to me that I work at keeping my focus on my own balance and trying to stay healthy...and in the spirit of this sentiment...I write tonight...though yawning and dead tired...I guess I am looking to reach out and get myself out here...it's been awhile.

Seems to be a theme for me...a good deal of time goes by and then I write again...hmm...wonder if that is healthy or not LOL...

Lately I have been killer busy...racking up a lot of countable hours at work...as of today I have less than 130 hours left of the 3,000 to go in this chase for my license...and it feels great....but I am tired and this work is hard. There are so many folks having hard times...it really is hard to believe how tough things are. But that's what keeps me in business I guess.

I am worried about my kids...all four of them...for different reasons of course...but they weigh on my mind...it's hard not to worry about them...but it actually helps me to relate to the parents I counsel...and keeps me humble...so it is OK that I think about them all the time and worry about them...pray for them...that's what we dads do...

I guess that is the foundation of it all really isn't it? As stressed out as I sometimes get...and we all do...I love my bubbies...from 27 to 4 they are all my heart and I love them always...

I love you guys...with all my heart.

Wrong number...

This blog is a little different but I felt like I just needed to share...and for some maybe warn a bit...

I know that most everyone is aware of what some people do with the cameras in their cell phones and texting...and as long as they are consenting adults...hey...it's a free country...have fun if that appeals to ya...go for it...but...one suggestion here...make sure you dial the right number when sending private photos...because one digit off...and you could be sharing yourself with anyone out there.

I was the recipient of one of these types of texts...four actually...three pics and a follow up question...Hmm says me....

Last Wednesday I am minding my own business driving Sarah home from swimming class and my phone starts going off...blowing up...and I wondered what was going on...is Heather trying to get a hold of me or is someone in trouble or what....

I was close to home so I just waited until I pulled in the driveway...I didn't want to be checking text messages while driving...and as I am getting out to go around the car and get Sarah out...I open it up and WHOA! Who is she...she sure looks like she is having fun and all...but why am I WHOA! close up...um...why am I getting this?!?...WHOA! even closer...yikes! Of course this stops me in my tracks....before I get to where Sarah is in the car and get her out...I can't have this open on my phone around her...I click the next one and it is just a question that is something like...hope you like...send me one of yours....or whatever...and I am thrown...WTF?!?

I get out of the texting part of my phone so that Sarah won't see anything she shouldn't...and get Sarah inside and send her to get her swim suit off and go in to show Heather what just came over my phone...she looked and started deleting and asking me questions...LOL...and I told her what had happened...

Now a few things occurred to me here. I don't have any idea who this is...in the pics one could see everything there is to see...except her face...and so I have no idea...who they are...how old they are...who they are trying to send this to...why I got it...and then it occurs to me...this might not be coming from the girl in the pics...it might be coming from some guy who is sharing photos of someone he has been with...whatever...and he is trying to share this with a buddy or whatever...

I dunno...Heather deleted 3 and I deleted the last one and we talked a bit about it...but I gotta tell ya...there is a part of this that really bothered me.

One...I didn't want my wife thinking that I had anything to do with receiving these pics...it was random and nothing like this has ever happened to me before. That's why I showed her myself and talked to her about it because I didn't want her to see anything and come questioning me...thinking I did anything wrong.

Two...I don't know the age of the person and thinking that it could have been a minor makes me sick to my stomach...not only for seeing it but for the person in the pic as well as her parents.

Third...if this was some guy spreading pics of a girl that let him take pics of her so that he could share them with his buddies...at least without her knowing...I know some people do it...but it isn't respectful to her...not cool...

Maybe none of this was the case...maybe the girl was sending something of herself to a boyfriend or spouse...trying to spice things up...maybe...actually...I hope so...but the other possibilities bother me....and I felt bad for her because I know I wasn't the person she meant to see those pics...I am thinking...it was a wrong number.

DOH! LOLOL...Yikes!

So for those that text...be careful opening up things from a number that you don't recognize...like Forrest Gump said...ya never know what you're gonna get...and secondly...parents...of kids that have cell phones...with texting and a camera...take a look through your kids' phones regularly...make sure they aren't doing anything like this...talk to them about it...even if they are in college...talk to your kids about this...cause...welp....they never know who is looking in on what they send out...especially if it is a wrong number or on someone else's phone...and they send it out to share without her knowledge...even if they "think" they can "trust" that person.

Things that me ya go Hmm...
DOH! LOL...

My old friend...

I picked up my guitar last night for the first time in awhile and I started going through riffs and scales warming my hands up. Since I was diagnosed with carpel tunnel in May I have been more hesitant to pick it up since the Dr and the nurse at the office there kept telling me that playing guitar contributes and with some can even cause carpel tunnel. Personally I think that it wasn't playing guitar that did this to me. It "might" have been a contributing factor...I'll give ya that...but I think "the cause" is the computer work I do at my job. I have had this job for a year and a half now...and during that time...I have had many periods of pain while sitting at my cube that caused me to get up and walk away from the desk. It hurts.

As I played and got re-familiar with my neck and fretboard I started to notice things. It's kinda like any other kind of workout...when you are just starting to do your warm up with any kind of exercise, your mind kinda has the tendency to drift and you do certain things by rote. As you attention returns...if you are paying attention....you start picking up on certain things...form...the way things feel...the fact that you are doing things on autopilot instead of thinking things through...the tone...

As I meandered through several things I started to experiment and fool around. I can't say it was truly creative or productive but I will say it brought me back to a place I need to be. I started to feel as I was playing. Ahh...I remember this...my best friend...my old friend...the wood...the steel...this fretboard...I can play one note...and I could cry...or I could fill with joy...

This is an important point because I can play whole passages of music...including music I have written...with no thought or emotional tie to it because I have played it for so long...my hands just do this by physical memory and I fly through things unattached...personal note here...I hate it when I do this...there is no emotion and it is purely structured ritualism...going through a motion...and this is something I dislike doing...but I will say it is natural and normal...and every artist knows exactly what I am describing...especially musicians...because it is common...but I don't like it. It's like just phoning it in...and I try never to do this while performing...but when practicing...it isn't uncommon to slip into that space.

When there...personally...I need to pull myself out of it because music...specifically...and art...generally...is about being creative and expressing emotional output and feeling.

If you ain't feeling it then you ain't playing it right.

So somehow I wondered over to one of my songs...and I started humming along to it as I played...and I was stirring inside. After playing this way for a short while...I went to get my binder and pulled out my lyrics and started to play my songs in earnest. I played one song after another...singing...playing...feeling.

It's been awhile since I have done this and it felt really good. As I played I was listening at the same time...and as I listened...I found myself reconnecting with my own music...with my own art. Now...most of my music...very few people have ever heard. My wife...knows a good deal of it...my children to varying degrees...are familiar with at least some of it...Harmony probably knows my songs better than my sons since she has lived with me and been present in the most recent years. Some of the stuff is old...some is not. However I feel bad because none of this has been recorded...old and newer...and I need to get this stuff recorded just for posterity's sake if nothing else. I want to be able to gift it to my kids...so that they can remember...

I don't know if anyone else will ever hear my music. I am not so sure anyone would care...

As I listened to the songs myself...I kept feeling it and thinking...this stuff is pretty good...I don't know about my renditions of it LOLOL...but the songs are pretty good. The ideas are there. Then as I play and sing I think about where some of the songs came from...different people in my life...and I started thinking about how others might relate to what I am saying in some of these songs...how some people have related to my songs in the past...and it started occurring to me that...as personal as my music is to me...it will mean different things to different people and I started seeing how things that I've written could be taken in by other people...and they would make their own meanings to the music.

Then I remembered a conversation that I had with a very good friend of mine...Tracy...many many years ago...sitting at a food joint...I told him that I wanted to get my music out to people...without even putting my name on it...so that the focus is the music and not me...and I had a flood of these memories come back...feelings and impressions...desires...hopes and dreams...and a reconnect...for me...with my artist inside.

I could certainly use extra income...we are really tight and the stress is high over finances in our home...we both have jobs and we have a side photography business...but I am always looking for ways for us to help ourselves out of the financial bind that we are in...the business man in me wants to make money from my hard work...but I sometimes...often times....wonder...if anyone would care or be interested in my art...I often doubt it...but it does make me wonder...the artist in me is starved for the pats on the back...the attention....but my heart and soul is about moving people and helping others...and in that...it makes me wonder if my music could help...could my music move people?....could my music move you?

It moves me...so maybe...just maybe...it might be bigger than me...

One wedding, one moving out, one job loss, & one possible transplant...

Today is a good day...and a sad day...for me.

I had the honor of walking my little girl down the isle yesterday...watching her wed her love and taking a huge step into adulthood. I woke up this morning feeling the absence of her in our home and wishing it weren't so...and yet...happy for my little girl....who is not a little girl anymore...she is an adult embarking on her life...with hope and expectation. She worked very hard yesterday making sure everything was getting done and was out there in the morning working in the sun to ensure a good evening. She had fun and she worked hard...what more could a parent ask for...I was very proud of her. I am very proud of her. She is a grown woman and she is a good woman.

My son...Joshua...officiated the ceremony and he did an amazing job. He was nervous but well prepared and made us laugh and cry and think. He took on the honor of doing this for Harmony very seriously and he took on the commitment with passion. He also did this with a sense of humor and humility. I was proud of him. He is a good man.

My son Jacob was there to celebrate with us and acted as a witness for Harmony...signing his good name to say that he was there and supported his sister...even when he didn't feel well and he is going through a very tough time in his life right now. He was present and participated and laughed...and made others smile. He was in the moment and present. I am proud of him...he is a good brother and son....he is a good man.

Sarah was so cute...running around blowing bubbles and playing with Bella and another little girl close to Bella's age...taking pictures of everyone in the crowd with her Dora camera...enjoying the crowd and the day...taking full advantage of being a kid and being the oldest of the little girls who kept following her...never slowing down and laughing all the day through...especially...when her brothers, her new brother in law, and his friends and family started this cacophony of fart noises with the neon colored putty in a jar called Flarp! which sounded very much like Blazing Saddles when they sat around the campfire eating beans. Heather bought a case of these things at the dollar store so that everyone could join in the fun. Sarah was in the moment and had a blast...she kept saying...that's disgusting!...pphhhtt!...LOL...she was very good with the kids younger than she...I was very proud of her. She is a very good girl.

Breanna...Joshua's wife...was very supportive and present in the moment. She supported Josh and took care of Zeus...their big dog...so that Josh could focus on what he was there to do. I was proud of her and she is a good woman. My son is blessed to have her as a wife and in his life and I am very happy that she is there with him.

Alicia...Jacob's partner and long time girlfriend...did a fantastic job of making the cake, red white and blue complete with an American flag fitting for the occasion, and being there, being present, and having a good time. I was proud of her and she is a good woman. My son is blessed to have her in his life and as his partner and I am very happy that she is there with him.

Brian...my new son in law...has been a big help in getting ready for the day...he mowed our front and back lawn twice in preparation for the upcoming day...no small feat since our back yard alone is 70' x 70'. He was out there helping yesterday morning and he helped me get my P. A. gear from storage and I greatly appreciated that. He manned up and he is trying to do right by my daughter and I appreciate that more than he knows...I was proud of him. He is a good man. My daughter is blessed to have him as a husband and in her life and I am very happy that he is there with her.

Heather worked very hard and long to make the day special for Harmony...trying to take care of me...thinking about Jacob and wanted to make sure he felt included...thinking about Joshua and supporting what he needed to do...trying to keep people on task while being a good Mommy to Sarah as well...she put out a lot of effort and I noticed...and appreciated it...she did good...ya did good buttercup! I was proud of her...and she is a good woman. I am glad to have her in my life...in our lives.

Harmony's mom Sandy and her husband Mark were here in the morning working on the back yard and putting in long hot hours and hard work helping out and getting everything prepared...and they did a great job. I was so grateful for their help and effort. Everything looked wonderful and things went off well. I was proud of their teamwork and they are good people. Thank you guys for your efforts.

Kymn was there with bells on and camera in hand...snapping pics and catching the moments during the ceremony so that we could focus more on what was happening...we took some pics and video anyway but it was so nice not to "HAVE TO"...and we could focus on Harmony and what the event was all about...we both appreciate her efforts and we are blessed to have had her help. Thank you so much for being there and helping us out...as well as your spicy turkey.

Both families seemed to get along and have a good time. Brian's dad serenaded the group after the ceremony with a couple of songs on his acoustic guitar and harmonica. Heather took pictures and I took videos...and everyone mingled and then got to the buffet table and got down to the food. I cranked up the music through my P. A. and we all had a good time. We created a nice time but more importantly a great memory.

We capped off the night with conversation with Josh as everyone dwindled away and went off on their own ways...saying goodbye to Harmony was hard...and it signified the end of an era for us...for me...the youngest of my earlier set of kids...has officially moved out....and moved on. That was hard. That still is hard.

The conversation with Josh hit a lot of areas but a good deal of it was about his recent trip to Stanford and what the Cystic Fibrosis Dr's and transplant team there told him, his recent positive test for TB, and what he plans on doing with his life if he actually has the surgery. I feel like my life is surreal and I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around everything...it is all so much.

How come I seem to have to have the great...side by side with the crappy and scary....I mean really...can't it just be one good day...and leave it at that? WTF?

I am tired of being scared and worried...I do have faith in God and God has blessed me immeasurably. He has blessed me and blessed my family....but damn...it is sometimes exhausting...the push and pull of emotion and the conditionality of it all...

Maybe I am whining...but it is how I feel...and that is real.

It would be nice to have a day where I don't have to be reminded how close I am to having my whole world turned upside down...where I can celebrate without any negativity or negative feeling.

I know some will read that statement and say Hmm...it is all a choice...and I guess that's true...but I would invite you to stand in my shoes and look through my eyes for a minute before too much judgement against me. I feel like I am a positive person...I make a very concerted effort to stay positive in my life...but dangitall...come on!...LOL.

Life is indeed good...I just wish I felt better about all this. It is tough...and I would be lying if I said otherwise.

PS....we missed you guys...shell and Tracy....G & Walt...I'm sorry you guys couldn't be here...you were missed...and I hope things get better for each of you guys. I know things are tough...I hear ya ;)

God bless this mess...

What it all means...

Sooo...

Stockton....California...has been nationally....in the top 3 or so...and number 1 several times for over the past year...on the list of highest home foreclosures...as I said....in the nation...this town has one of the highest illiteracy rates in the entire country...probably because of being in the valley of growers and we have a high population of farm workers...many of whom are illiterate...then we recently get the news by some one's research (a big company like Forbes but I don't remember who it was exactly) and reporting...again nationally...that Stockton California is one of if not "the" unhappiest cities "in the nation"...and then recently...within the last week...I heard on the news that one of the high schools here in town (it happens to be the one I attended and sent 3 of my 4 children to) has one of the worst rates of graduation in the state...in...the entire state....and other high schools here in this city are not far behind it...with less than 50 %...average currently here in town at like a 46 % or below graduation rate...and then to top it all off...I hear on the news this last week...that this city is one of the most violent in the nation...within the top 3...THE TOP 3!....IN THE NATION!....

The news caster goes on...that means we are worse than Detroit........Philadelphia........etc. etc. and I am thinking now...hmm...things that make me go...Hmm...

My 25 year old son was hit in the face by a stranger outside a liquor store on this last New Years Eve...over like $1.30...because the person (read bum/loser/jerk@#%) asked for this odd amount as my son and daughter-in-law went in and again as they went out...and then as my son came out...this....person...sucker punched him....from behind...like the coward he is...as hard as he could...coming from in back of and behind my son, splitting my son's lip and causing his teeth to come through below his lower lip and needing a host of stitches...inside and out...all this in front of his wife.....he then ran away. He was caught quickly...the perpetrator was prosecuted on a reduced and lesser charge than the aggravated assault and battery that it was...to a simple battery...a misdemeanor...after causing fairly serious and permanent injury to my son...who already has Cystic Fibrosis and spends a good deal of his time on oxygen from a tank (although he wasn't using it at that particular moment)......so that the D. A.'s office can process it quickly, easily, and unencumbered. There are too many people out at the county jail and they are routinely letting people out to release the congestion. The same for our prisons. I know this from having been a facilitator for 3 years of court ordered domestic violence and anger management classes. This is the reality we live in.

The D.A.'s office tells my son that the attorneys don't want or need to talk to him or his wife...the witness to the crime...no need...they will call if the D.A. needs to talk to them and BTW please do not come down here and try to talk with anyone or come to court...no need...no need for going after a felony either BTW...even though there is a permanent scar on my son's face...even though a police officer taking their statements on the scene told them that they had caught this same guy doing this same thing to someone else at an earlier date...and that person refused to file charges (probably out of fear). So he was back out on the street and able to do it again...this disgusts me.

The guy spent 30 days or less in the county jail...and then he will most likely have to do a 16 week program...just like or maybe even the same one's I used to teach...and probably pay fines...and that will be it....except for one little problem...this whole insane thing happened because this jerk was panhandling for a buck thirty...Do you think he will pay his restitution? I do not. The county...will never get their money.

I counseled folks like this for three years and I can not even tell you how many times I listened to grown adults talk about not needing to take responsibility...because they can skirt the system and get away with it...and they laugh about it...it is a joke to many of them because they know the game...and I promise you folks...from someone that has worked inside that system...it is a game. It is not about justice...it is about numbers. I tried my best....to make a difference in the lives of the people I counseled...and some of them told me that I did exactly that. But I could not get to everybody...and I can not make anyone else change. I did what I could in the 3 years I worked in that system...I tried...and succeeded...at least to some degree.

Then I think about the shooting right outside my home less than two years ago...50 feet from my bedroom. My car took a bullet....which was headed into my neighbor's children's room if it hadn't hit my car...and my neighbor's car took a bullet....which was headed into my brother's bedroom if it had not hit their car...and a young man took a bullet and lay in the street across the street diagonally from my house. I heard that he was paralyzed from the ribs or waist down. June will be two years ago. I blogged about it then.

http://docsdoxology.blogspot.com/2007/06/911what-is-your-emergency.html

What's more...only about four months after that...I was very near another shooting while doing my domestic violence and anger management classes at work. Praise God no one was injured in that one but it happened as a drive by...they sprayed one of my group member's car with bullets...13 to be exact...I counted...and there were people on the porch in front of the house that the car was parked at and children around in the neighborhood. I blogged about that one too.

http://docsdoxology.blogspot.com/2007/10/bang-bang.html

So with all that stuff running around in my head...I am thinking...dang...I don't want to raise Sarah in this mess. Who's afraid of Compton, south central, or Harlem? I have heard that some of the tough guys from south bay...around San Jose area...where gangs run rampant...are afraid to come up into Stockton...because they know it's the real deal here.

My brother calls a couple weeks ago with a business idea. Good idea I tell him...something on order of an idea we have discussed for years. But he wants to do it here. Yikes. I tell him how I am feeling and we have a long discussion.

I don't want to have another incident happen to one of my family. My son that was attacked and his wife are leaving and while that is very hard for Heather and I we are also jealous because we want to move towards the coast ourselves. I want to raise Sarah in a place where this cute, fun, very smart and talented girl will thrive...and not just exist. But it just isn't that simple. No matter how much we might want to get out of here...we don't exactly have a support network anyplace that we might go to...so we will mostly be on our own...and we don't want to get too far away from any of my kids...not to mention the finances for doing something like that. It feels as if...no matter which way we go...there is a piece of something that we will have to leave behind...and it will be a hard financial road to get there.

This has been my home. All of my life...I was born here...I grew up here...buried my father here (so to speak)...I had my own children here...got married here...the first time at least LOL...the second time around I got smarter. I asked myself...why NOT get married on a white sandy beach...in Hawaii? I couldn't think of an answer! Heather couldn't think of an answer! So that is exactly what we did!

We were even blessed enough to have another couple with us...good friends...that were able to share the experience with us. Then a year later we did it all over again with all my kids and both our moms and Heather's step-dad and other friends and family in attendance at a beautiful B&B in Point Reyes...all of this was April 28th (Maui) and April 29th (Point Reyes) 3 and 4 years ago respectively. Our anniversary...the 28th of April...was chosen because that signifies the day we actually met...11 years ago. Tomorrow. This...has been quite and adventure.

So tomorrow H and I will make it officially 11 years...and in that time we have had real ups and real downs...but we have stayed strong through it all...even in the nation's most foreclosed, illiterate, drop out ridden, depressed, and dangerously violent places in these United Stated.

Between us there are four amazing people that we have been blessed by being able to call them our children, a home, 3 master's degrees, careers, a growing photography business, music, art, web sites and blogs, and more blessings and memories than we can count.

Maybe...someday...we will be able to make a leap...a leap of faith...and who knows what will come from it...but I bet...no matter what...it will be a great adventure...and create fantastic new memories...and hopefully...God willing...lead us to an even better example to the people that we come in contact with in our lives.

Babe...I love you.
Happy anniversary.
May the next 11 years be even more rewarding and may the 11 years after that raise the bar even further.
May we always strive to be better people, better parents, and better citizens of the world.

Surreal...

I had a weird experience this week. It was just...surreal.

As I mentioned in the blog prior to this one I recently got a couple of traffic tickets and so they were due to be paid and taken care of this week. On my lunch from work Tuesday I went down to the court house to pay them and take care of business.

As I approach the building I see the police have the small parking lot next to the court house blocked off and as I get closer I see a glut of vans and trucks with tall antennas and every news logo you can imagine. I drive around to go to the back side of the building. That road is also blocked off and filled with more news crews. What is going on here?!? I have to travel another two blocks to go around to try to reach the parking structure...I go in, park, and start walking to the court house.

As I am approaching the building I am struck with the feeling that I am very close to the middle of something...something big. There is excitement in the air...the people are buzzing around and the photographers, both still and video, are lined up along the walkway as if there is an invisible red carpet laid out in front of my path. They are huddled in packs...shoulder to shoulder...and they have a hungry look in their eyes. I might have even seen one drool a little...not sure.

The good news is they are looking straight past me and I am very OK with that. This is an uneasy feeling. The air is heavy with anticipation and the crews are thick and ready. There are news reporters actually doing stories all around me...all three networks...locals...etc. talking into microphones and looking earnestly into cameras...answering questions from their anchors...it is about 12:05 and they are all broadcasting. As I walk up the ramp to the court house, to my left I see a small forest of video camera tripods standing in front of a large row of microphones...clearly there is going to be a press conference at some point...but the cameras are on shoulders and pointed in all different directions...moving and searching. There is anticipation in the air. They smell something coming.


I asked people to let me through because they were excited and adrenalin was pumping...there was a semi-politeness to it...they were not rude...but it was evident that they could be...and they appeared like blood hounds on a trail...alert...anxious...blood pumping...ready. I made it through with only being bumped into twice...and I realized why they were there.

I realized that today...that Tuesday...they were bringing in to court the woman they have arrested and accused of murdering that little 8 year old girl...Sandra Cantu...in Tracy. I hadn't thought about it when I left home that morning...or work just prior...that this was happening here this day. I just wanted to pay my traffic and brake light fines and go on about my business and day...I didn't know that I would get exposed to this...circus...this sick...negative...bloodthirsty gathering.

I make it to the security gate where I have to take off my belt, watch, and lanyard for work and empty pockets. As I get ready to go through the metal detector someone ahead of me is telling the security guard that, "if she really did it I hope that they kill her". I go through the metal detector and as I am retrieving my stuff from the other side I look up to my left and see Tim so and so from News 10 being hassled about his belt. I look up to my right and it is Mike Lesalle from KCRA News 3 coming through and putting his belt back on literally shoulder to shoulder to me. I am taking my time. These guys are in an all out hurry.

Then I look up and there is commotion and movement from outside. A lot of noise coming through and all the cameras are focused in one direction. There is pushing and shoving...yelling...the blood hounds are barking. Then I see what all the commotion is about. I see the Cantu family. I see the large man first...he is the slain girls uncle and he is trying to make a path for the aunt and the mom. There is a woman in a bright blue blazer with them. I recognize her but I can't exactly place the face. I thought because of the way she was dressed that maybe she was a lawyer. Later I realized...this was the mother of Shondra Levy...the intern who went missing and was eventually found dead. I am still pulling my belt on...looping it through my pants and feeling rather exposed by all the cameras and attention...I am in the background but I can feel the heat of it...and frankly...it is most unpleasant.

At earlier times in my life I dreamed of getting press attention for making movies...making music...cameras...reporters...my name in lights...but surely not like this. This...is...something quite different. Surreal. A month ago...the family of Sandra Cantu from Tracy was living their lives...unaware...blissfully unaware....that they would be facing this on this Tuesday.

I saw a couple of the 11:00 news reports and I saw the family...walking up the same path as I had just moments prior...I saw the uncle barking at the photographers because they were impeding their entry into the court house. They are not respectful...in the way they treat these people...they are doing their job...I understand that...but they are so hungry and thirsty for that shot that they get rude...disrespectful...and they lose their humanity and dignity...because of the frenzy...it is truly surreal.

I was surprised by several things but I think the thing that stuck with me...that affected me...was being that close to it. I see it on the TV all the time...news stories and journalists trying to get the shot or story...but that is the closest I have been to the actual...and I gotta tell ya...as an outsider looking in...I really felt bad for the family. Haven't they been through enough? It was weird.

May God be with them and all of us...and may we really look at why we do what we do.

Venting...phew...

I am kind of feeling...well...sort of out of sorts...and I am not exactly sure if this is the place to bring it out but I will vent a bit anyway. Not that I even really know exactly what the heck the point is...other than to just vent...I have several things going on and so it isn't a simple thing...I have a lot on my plate. Don't we all?



Money problems, house problems, health issues, work issues, I haven't had a traffic ticket in like...20 years or something like that and then recently I got 2 in one week...luckily one is just a fix-it-ticket...all my stuff from my garage is still in my back yard...and it's raining...and earlier this week my son and his wife tell me they are moving far away in two weeks (far away is a 3 hour drive from here)...along with what he is planning to do concerning his health. He has Cystic Fibrosis and could definitely be a lot healthier...he isn't doing all that great.


I want the best for them and I want him to be healthy. I am glad that they are doing what they feel they need to do...and they are getting help from friends of mine...which is very nice of them to offer it up...but it breaks my heart in some ways...and I will miss them...more than either of them could ever know.


They are no longer going to be a phone call away...dinners or visits...and especially not here for Sarah to enjoy. I know they are doing what they need to do...and I am proud of them for having the guts to do that...but I would be lying if I said it doesn't bother me...quite a lot.



Of course nothing is ever simple. Later in the week I have a conversation with someone else concerning a matter of the same magnitude but regarding a different person very close to me. Sorry to be so cryptic but information has not been shared with all parties so I therefore must be secretive for now. None the less it was news of the same proportion and magnitude and thereby carried with it the same weight.



A lot of meaningful change in a short amount of time.



All this at a time when we are struggling in my household with basic things as well. Heather is struggling with what she can and can't eat, worried about her weight loss and health, concerned about whether or not she is where she is supposed to be. Both of us are concerned for Sarah and how to decide the next phases of her development, education, and growth. We are both so concerned about this little girl being alone...we want to make sure she is surrounded with love and people she can love and will learn good things from.



Both of us are stressed about our jobs...both on multiple levels...meaning...will we still have jobs considering the national economy and the health of our state here in California...and that we both work for governmental entities...as well as the fact that we both are having personal struggles on our own individual jobs...for individual reasons. Neither of us have easy jobs...and we struggle often with just getting through the week.



The stress is overwhelming at times...



I am sleeping less and less. I can't seem to even get 6 hours a night at this point...and it is getting worse. I woke up today before 5:00 AM and this is a Saturday...after going to bed at midnight. I have health things going on as well...and that isn't helping.



To top it all off I am not doing what I know to do to make my own personal stress level better. The stuff I teach and preach for a living. We need places to vent and express. We need ways to release or it builds. Why?!? you might be asking yourself...aren't I doing what I do know?...and truthfully...if I knew that I wouldn't be feeling like this. Of course I can rationalize...and I do sometimes....but the truth is...I personally believe it is the stress itself coming from so many different directions with a force that I am almost constantly feeling build inside and against me...leaves me feeling drained. I do mindfulness, meditative, and stress relieving exercises at times but the current and pressure is too swift and I can't keep up.



One of the best vents I ever discovered in my life has been music and playing guitar. I have had a passion for it for decades. Sometimes...I just hold on to my guitar...and feel the fretboard...under my fingers...because I am truly in love with it. The guitar is a part of me. Now though...I still play but I am struggling with it...again on multiple levels...including having physical problems with my hands...and it is becoming more and more difficult for me...so at this point playing is as much physical therapy for me and less about venting or creating...which changes the experience greatly. I also have nobody that I play with and I greatly miss that...as well as missing performing. I love to play for people and watch them groove to my melody...my beat. There's nothing like it.



For a time many years ago...I was struggling with the feeling of letting myself down concerning music and so I turned to drawing. I had a passion for drawing and loved it...for years and through art classes and drawing groups...now...I barely pick up a pen or pencil. When I do...I still get compliments on the work I produce...but I feel cut off. I have loved to read since I was very little and I got to love writing...and at least I am doing some writing on my two blogs...but it has become increasingly infrequent and I have had a harder time focusing to be able to write the way I would like to.



I love photography and capturing people and places...moments...moments in the meantime...and the creative focusing while taking the picture is fun...and feels creative...and I am still doing this with Heather in our business...although I think it is correct to say that I have not been shooting very much outside of business or family times...which again...bothers me.



I am a man of many passions and this reality has always been one of the personal truths I have really liked about myself and been proud of...but lately...I am feeling deflated and out of touch with my own creativity and inner strength.



I know I probably sound like I'm whining...I am a blessed man with a good family, a job where I get to help people for a living, relatively good health, a good marriage, and I have at least half a brain and a few talents to enjoy. All this is true. But I am feeling like I am not completely here...with all my passions firing...and I am less for it.



And...I miss Maui...



Anybody got any suggestions?

Welp...it's kinda like...

In today's world...we have many choices and many things we have to decide on everyday. Choices, choices, and more choices...we can get bogged down with decisions and options...which way do we go and what would be better...left....or right...should we this or should we that...which is better...which is worse...on and on.

I find myself sometimes creating an overwhelming array of obstacles for myself based on deteriorating processing power with my ever taxed brain, feeling about as up to speed as a caricatured cartoon of myself.

Have you ever wondered about what you would look like as a cartoon? I think I would still be round...but more bouncy :)

Hmm...I wonder if things get easier somewhere down the line...I'm thinking that I need to switch tracks if I want it easier but then I wonder if that would give me what I really want. I tend to doubt it...I think it would simply create a new set of the same ol' same ol'.

So what then...can one do...without making one's self crazy?

Have you ever been on vacation and not brought your watch? I did that once...we went on a cruise...and I didn't bring my watch...on purpose...a choice...cause I didn't want to be reminded of schedules and timetables...and we went on a nice relaxing cruise...where every 5 minutes...a new activity was starting somewhere on the ship...tons of things to do...if you can simply get to them on time...I had to buy a stupid cheap watch...just to be able to keep up LOL...

So much for spontaneous...

Kinda reminds me of hanging out the window of a car...when I was all of about 3-4 years old...butt on the car door and hanging out the window...hands on the roof of the car...traveling down highway 50 coming back from Tahoe snaking along the river with the wind in my hair and patting my hands on the roof of the car...feeling free...until my dad looked back at me from behind the wheel and freaked out...seeing his kid hanging out the back window of a car speeding down a winding highway LOL...I thought it was a good idea at the time...

Hmm...choices...kinda makes me wonder...what if I would have...manOman do I have some doosies...LOL...

Isn't it absurd how time flies by...and what's up with this having it go faster as you get older stuff. It seems to me that it really ought to be the other way around. Somehow that feels like we're being ripped off.

How's about a downshift? Maybe it would be better to hit the clutch and grab the gearshift and get into 3rd gear...slow 'er down...not to coast...of course...but damn...I was so much more peddle down 20 years ago...LOL...now I keep looking for some other way...

Have you ever had a label that you didn't like? Most of us have at some time or another...sometimes we adjust and grow accustomed to the label and sometimes it gets worse as time goes on...I have one like that...more than one actually...it's my own doing mind you...no one elses...this one label...but I am not liking it...I need to change it...needing to DO something about it...

Choices...hmm...

Decisions decisions

Sooo...I'm fat. I'm not 800 pounds...but I am fat...

Now...I know I'm fat...but it is a weird thing to see pictures of myself because I do not see myself as how fat I really am...and when I see the reality of it...well...it is disturbing to see at the least...and at most it is just plain out and out scary. I had that experience this week...a picture of Sarah and I together...and it wasn't expected.

My lovely wife Heather just got home today after having the gastric bypass surgery and she is just beginning this journey...but in the next year she is profoundly going to change physically. She keeps asking me how I feel about going through the same thing myself...and I keep telling her that I am still thinking about it...which is the truth.

The catch is...I have a preexisting colon problem that I was born with...and this surgery could/would impact that condition...and I asked her surgeon about this and he confirmed it...so it is not simply a fear of mine...it is a reality....however he also told me that he could do a similar but different form of the surgery on me (a procedure called "the sleeve" which effectively actually removes most of the stomach from the body but does not involve the smaller intestine, therefore it's form and method is not malabsorbtion as Heather's surgery but restriction) and then given some time...a few months...he would reevaluate for a second surgery to remove some of my colon to fix the colon problem I was born with.

This was...to say the least....shocking to me...I was told by a surgeon at the age of 12 years that this was inoperable...that I would live with this the rest of my life and there wasn't much I could do about it. I have learned through my own personal growth that there are things I can do about my condition and it has made an enormous difference for me both in function and in overall health in this regard (Heather's surgeon was impressed when I told him how much I have improved on my own just in the last 4-5 years). I can be proactive and it does make a difference. But I have operated (no pun intended) under the belief all these years, that I would just have to live with this forever and try to do my best. Now...I find out that this belief is no longer true.

That is profound for me. The thought of being normal in that regard has always been a dream that is completely unattainable for me. Now...the idea is no longer unattainable but very real and the surgeon was very frank and casual about this, telling stories of others whom he has done similar things for, albeit not for the same reason.

So I am left with a great big void of uncertainty...and an even more daunting question...do I go through two major surgeries...risk my life twice...to loose this weight and to get rid of a lifelong digestive problem? Would I truly be better off by all of the pain and risk...the possibilities are exciting and scary as hell.

I would be the ideal candidate for a gastric bypass type of surgery...other than the colon thing...I have three of the four conditions they ask about and use as qualifying factors, I have lost 75 pounds on my own and put it all back on plus more...and then lost 30 pounds through weight watchers last year ...and have put it all back on plus...and concerning the surgery her surgeon told me..."ya gotta do it"...and I am still trying to figure out if that is the sales pitch of a businessman plying his trade....or if he is actually right...and if he is correct...then maybe I should be doing everything I can so that I can be here and be healthy for decades to come.

My goal...at this point in my life...is to still be here and have a good and positive quality of life...by the time Sarah is my age...which would put me well into my 80's...and in order to accomplish this task...I need to get this stinkin weight off...and keep it off.

I am in a weird position because...realistically...I have lost 75 pounds before on my own...using a book I bought as a guide...a book called, "Weigh Less, Live Longer" by Dr. Arrone. Good book and I used it effectively, it works. I now "know" I could get this weight off. I do not question whether or not I could get it off. The problem I have is that I can't seem to keep it off. I am an addict and I use food as a drug to relieve my stress and use it as a friend when I need to feel better or differently. Maybe cutting my stomach out and having it completely removed, except for a 2-3 oz. pouch, is the answer. That is scary though. Even the surgery that Heather has had does not remove the organ from the body...they just place it to the side but it is still there.

Should I just....basically...loose/amputate my stomach....and for that matter some of my colon while I am at it? Is this really my only way? Or should I be allowing my weight and the medical complications from it to take me down slowly? Yuck...

How the hell did I end up here? Not in a million years would I have guessed earlier in my life that I would have this as a decision to face. There seems to me to be no clear and easy answer here. Everything is still on the table as for this moment...but I gotta tell ya...I am really struggling with this one...

Both paths are scary. Even if I lost all my weight through diet and exercise...which is still on the table too BTW...could I keep it off? Could I change me so much that I never go back to the way that I have lived the last several years? That...is the final question...and I am in no way reassured that I would be able to accomplish the long term goal. I "know" I could do the short term goal...but could I keep it off? That...that is the real question...hmm....I wish I knew...