A new beginning...

I'm not sure how my life will unfold from this point on...but I am pretty sure at this point in my life that I am on a path that will take me to a place I will be happy about and at least feel good about my choices.

Today is Sunday evening and I finished my third week last Friday at the county as a clinician. I am overwhelmed but my supervisors and peers are telling me that I am doing very well and right on track. Awesome!!! One supervisor told me that she has heard only good comments from everyone about me at this point. I am managing with a few speed bumps but I am surviving so far and I am learning so much. This is truly a gift.

I am starting to see that I just need to settle in to a groove just like I did with being a professional musician...just like being an instructor at a college...just like being a business owner...just like running my own domestic violence and anger management groups...just like being an academic advisor...or a job coach...or several of the other jobs that I have had...it is just a matter of patience and persistence...of perspective...and adaptation.

Christmas has passed and we had a blast. You would have seen some of this and heard about it on Heather's blog by now I'm sure. We had such a good time with each other and with all the kids at Josh and Bree's house. It is so cool to have the chance to give each of them things that you can see in their eyes that they truly appreciate...I...just....love that. Everyone felt good and enjoyed themselves I believe. A few were a little under the weather but aside from that I think it was a great day.

Today was another great day. The boys weren't there for different reasons and Harmony is visiting family out of state...but we had a great time with family members and Sarah today. Again there are lots of things about it all on Heather's blog so I won't be redundant but suffice it to say that I am, as Heather is...so proud of that little girl and I love her so much. She has brought so much joy into the world and I am so grateful to be her dad. What an honor.

I am really really proud of all of my kids and I know that most parents wax on about their kids and all...but I frankly have real reasons to be proud of each and every one of them. They are all awesome people and I am just a blessed man for having been given the opportunity to have these great people in my life. It is an honor and I am humbled by the gift from God.

In my work now...I am spending time with a wide variety of people and some of them are really struggling with issues I would not wish on my worst enemy. I am trying to attempt to help them and I know in a few cases for sure I have been able to already...at least a little bit for now. But I wouldn't want to trade places with them. I do not know how I was so blessed...but boyOHboy am I glad I have been. Even with all the junk that has gone along with it...cause it has not been an easy road...and there are things to face in the future I refuse to look at currently...I still see more blessing than anything...and days and weeks like this just go to reinforce this belief in me.

All this and I have an awesome wife to boot. We have our struggles as everyone does...and there are things that we work on to improve...but we are a team...rough around the edges...but a team...and we are family. I can't think of anything better in the world...anything more important...anything more valuable...and anything more worth...my time and effort. It is my family that makes my world worth living in...and I mean...living in...being engaged in...plugged into...part of...present...in every meaning of the word.

It is this way...because I care. It is this way because WE care....and that....makes all the difference...

This is not new...but there isn't anything more important. I wish and hope for all that read these words...that you may find or have found these things in your own life. I hope for you a life of caring and commitment...a life of new beginnings...and of realizing the importance of home...being in your families...and the work that it takes...to make them healthy and strong...the work never ends...the effort is as alive and breathes as any of the members of the whole...you don't forget...to love each other...love is a verb...an action...and when it is acted upon...it is returned. May God bless you and yours...belated Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year...and a safe and sober one...

The new job...and Heather's birthday!

Welp...I made it! I have Oh-ficially survived my first week as a clinician in a county mental health office. I have had quite the experience already and my learning curve is just absolutely HUGE! But I am so appreciative for the opportunity and I look forward to the next year with excitement and fear...knowing that I am going to grow exponentially.

I just amazes me that as much as I know...I can clearly see how much I don't know...and when it is put in my face like it was this week it is challenging to keep up. But I am. I feel great because as much as I am unsure about what I want to do with the rest of my life....I do know that I want to get these hours finished and get on with getting my license and life.

I chose to leave the classroom for the moment and I did that very reluctantly. But I knew that if I am ever to get moving with this professional pursuit I need to get my hours finished. Now I will be able to. I already have done five intakes and therefore I now have 5 clients. This is only my first week. Woof. I hit the ground running...and I am still on my feet...on my feet so far...and I will go back to a classroom someday....somewhere...

Today was Heather's birthday. We went out last night and had a good time...went to dinner and we saw Larry the cable guy...and we laughed a lot...and tomorrow we will get together with everyone to celebrate. I am a very blessed person to have her as a wife. She is a blessing in my life. Happy birthday babe...I love you.

Doing well...

Today...I sat with one of my current bosses and listened to some advice...parting advice...since I am leaving that position roughly at the end of this week.

I say roughly because although my last day in one of his classrooms will be at the end of this week...I have papers...so many papers...to grade for the students...so he is checking in on extending my last pay period by a week so that I can get paid for finishing the work...instead of making him do it LOL...

Anywah...he tells me that in the year and a half that I have worked there...teaching for them...he has never had one student complain about me. Not even one! I was thankful to hear this and really pleased. I mean...I didn't expect a lot of complaints...but heck...not even one?!? WOW! He told me how much he has appreciated me and reflected on his hiring me...saying it was my personality that sold them. He could joke with me and I with them (he and the other deans)....and they felt like I would bring in that way of being into the classroom. He was absolutely right of course. Several times with my first four classes I asked for his advice on different things...and he told me several things that all seemed to boil down to one assertion...just...be...yourself! He was and is...sooo right about that.

As I listened to him today...he tells me that I am gold now...with my graduate degrees and teaching and counseling experience...I can get a management position at a community college or university. Pull in more money and move up. It was really nice to hear and I felt like it was just at the right time for me. The other thing was it was unsolicited. He just opened up to me...about me...and I appreciated it.

He has always treated me well and I have always felt good about that relationship. He gave me a shot...and I ran with it...and it is tough giving it up now. I told him that I was really struggling with the decision because I really don't want to leave it behind. He said well...call me in a couple months and we can reevaluate...he said I am welcome back there any time I please...with open arms. That was really nice to hear...it really did feel good to be valued like that.

So why am I not staying? I keep going back and forth about it. I am starting my new job with the county as a clinician on the 10th. It is a good job and will give me that oh so hard to get and ever present pain in the neck piece of getting licensed...my precious hours...with lots of supervision...AND...I will learn....learn a ton...and quickly...so it is good...really good...but I am still going to moonlight a couple nights a week. As for now it will be doing the domestic violence groups...it is just down the street and it does actually pay a little bit better...and I will look for an online teaching gig...something I can do from my home computer.

But it is hard...giving up the classroom...and as rewarding as doing those groups can be...it is a tough choice. But it is one that I feel I had to make...for money....for experience...for convenience...well...maybe that is really what it is...I will see how it pans out for a while and reevaluate as he suggested. It is just nice to be valued by one's boss. It is a good example for me to follow in the future...when I have employees of my own. I guess for now...I will just appreciate that next week I start a whole new journey...and support Heather in her new journey...which she started today! Go Heather! She's a manager for the city now! It's good to be the King!

The Follow Up...

So...I need to apologize for this update taking so long....I'm sorry for the wait...

OK...let's see...on the following Wednesday from the last blog I spoke with the same manager in the morning and she offered me the position. Yeah!!! It was contingent on me passing a background check...which I knew I would...

But before I had spoken with that manager...I believe the same morning before I got the offer....I had gotten another call from a different manager and was asked for a third interview...which I said I would be happy to go to. So after I accepted the one position on Wednesday morning...I went to a third interview that afternoon...I told the folks that I was offered the other position but I went through the interview anyway...and I was glad I did...it was interesting and informative...as well as good practice...and about 3/4 of the way through I told them... I had actually accepted the other position because I realized I had forgotten to mention that part initially...but it was a good experience...

Last week...on Wednesday...I spoke with the supervisor I accepted the position with...and I passed the background check...so I am set!....and I'm starting the new gig on the 10th of next month! So now I am working through the transition...trying to make sure it goes smoothly...at least as much as I can...

Ya know...it's weird...there are things I am certainly going to miss...and some things are really going to change around here...Heather starts her new job on the 3rd...and I start mine one week later...so December will be a real month of change for us...big changes...but all for a lot of good stuff...and even though there will be things I will miss...I am looking forward to learning new things and growing...becoming more than who and what I am now...and that growth will create new opportunities for us. All good stuff.

As for the other parts of life...we got to spend this last weekend in Carmel/Monterey...do a photo shoot that we both felt very good about and had fun with...got to enjoy each others company as well as time with our daughters...got to go to the aquarium...and even got to drop in on some friends for a good visit...

I wonder...what will the next year bring? I hope it will be filled with happiness and love...learning and growth...peace...sunsets...serenity...and prayer...

As the story unfolds...

Yesterday...I was told late in the day...after business hours...that I received a phone call from one of the other managers from my first interview from last week...asking to talk to me. I thought since I had interviewed a second time with another department...well....really....that it was kind of somehow decided that this manager who called me for the second interview was the only manager I had met from that first interview that was interested in me. Then I get this call from the other manager....

I was not able to call her back until today...and mid day at that...once I had taught my classes, picked up Sarah, picked up Heather...and the lot of us traveled to the Dr. office for Sarah because of an ear issue...I called and left a message and after maybe 20 minutes...if that...she calls back.

I was hoping it might even be an offer...nope...no such luck...she just called to ask if I was still interested in her department and if she could call my references......well...of course you may...by all means...please do....she tells me that she plans on having her decision by the middle of next week....sure! says me....thinking all the while about the first manager who told me this last Monday at the second interview...that she would try to get back to me by the end of this week...which leaves just tomorrow at this point...or to call her if I have not heard from her by Monday...

So...now...this leaves me with a weekend that will be fraught with wondering if it will go either way...which way...and do I have a choice in picking where I may "want" to go?...of course I know that situation may not even present itself...but apparently...I am in the running for both...which at least feels good...or will it come down to timing...hmm....I did tell the manager that I spoke with today...that I had done the other interview on Monday...and that manager had already called some of my references....so she asked if that would be my preference....to work with that population...and I said...well...no not really...I am open to anything right now...and I could go to either population...I am still very interested...and she says great! and then makes the comment about when she will reach her decision...oiy vay...nothing like being in limbo LOL...ahh vell...good stuff is coming...may God lead me as to what He wants for me...His will....I just wonder if I will get a call tomorrow...what to do if I do...man I can over complicate things easily...LOL...

It's hard though...in other ways...as I am teaching my classes...and running my groups...comments are being made to me...about me staying and being there for my clients and students...that I can't leave them....and it makes it a bit hard because I know that within the next month things might change...for me...and for them.

I have a training on Monday and Tuesday...for one of my jobs...which means I can not be at the other job and I have someone covering for me...and in telling people over the last two days...they were making sure it was just for that single day for them....and reassuring themselves and each other...that it is really only for one day...so it is OK....it is hard to hear those comments...knowing that in another 3-4 weeks that might change drastically....and they of course are not aware of anything right now...because I am still in the dark...and I don't know what will happen...I am just hopeful...

and so it is...and so it goes...

Life is funny...ya know?....things get crazy and I wonder what is right and what would I really want and prefer....and what will it be like...and what is right for me...which way will be better and how do you decide....or will things just fall into place and move in the direction that they should...so why put so much energy into worrying about it...because I can't do anything about it...not yet...and why worry about something that hasn't even happened yet...that seems so anti-productive...what a waste of my time, energy, and focus...when I could be focusing on something I am passionate about and need to be "in" within my life....it's better to focus in something that really matters...things that are truly important to me...regardless of how this thing goes for a job...live in my moment instead of the future...and what the future will bring...to live in my now...and focus my attention on that...right here....right now....

and on that note right there...I think I will...

Interviews...round two...

OK...so yesterday...Monday...I had my second interview with these folks and this time it was with one of the managers I had met before...plus two other folks. Apparently there are 11 different jobs open that they are hiring for and I am hoping to get blessed with one of them. We shall see...I am hopeful...

The 11 positions...are for several different departments...but all the same category basically...so the differences consist of working within different populations...but they are all clinician positions...so any one of them would mean I would start counting my face to face hours again...which means I will be working towards getting closer to my license....which will be awesome...and a huge deal for me.

I felt like the interview went well...we sat around and basically had a conversation for about an hour and fifteen minutes...and again....as I wrote in a previous blog...I just concentrated on being myself...and staying in the moment...so that I could do my best to shine...to the best of my ability...and I walked away feeling like I was able to do that...so once again...I feel like I did my part...I did what I could do....I did my best....and now it is what it is...and I just have to wait and see. This is hard to do...because I want to know...but I have to be patient...and trust that whatever happens will be for the best.

The funny thing is though...that getting this job would be a big deal for me...no matter which population that I worked with...because I would be back on the road towards achieving my goal...and I would be learning more in the field...and I would be getting better at one of the things I do...and I would be earning more money...and I would feel more secure again...which would help in certain areas around home...it would be a big deal for me...and it would be a big deal for Heather...and it would be a big deal for us.

Everything has two sides to it and so there will be frustrations and hard parts to it as well...I know that....and that can be a bit scary...but there would be some big pros as changes if this happens...especially since Heather has gotten a new job for the city...and will start that in early December...which again will be a big deal for us in many ways...

She will have a job that she is going to absolutely love...doing things that she has dreamt of...and it will actually be a management position for her...so that is a really big deal...because that opens up so many possibilities....as well as more money...and better insurance...which is not only better...but also cheaper...it's all good...all good...

So now...we will see what happens...and hope for the best...

Even after everything happens it will be hard for me to change the life I have built in the last year and a half...it will be a change but as I have written in recent blogs...I need a change and this would be great experience...so we shall see...

Long live our lives of balance and change...whose ideas wander and courage ponders the greatest wonder of our lively luxurious lustfully passionate lives...and may our minds render the heart's surrender of loving our clinging relief to our safest security when at once and for all time we find that we were never...ever...who we feared we would become...by being who we truly...and completely are. I am.....me.

I need to figure out what I want to get tattooed on my next trip to Maui...life is too short...and we need to make the most of it while we are here. I have some ideas...and I am jonesing to get more ink...I ab...so....lute....ly....can...not...wait.

I love Maui...

I love Maui....

The west coast of Maui to be specific...

This is me on a beach right across the street from our timeshare there. It was early morning...everyone we were there with on this trip last November ('06) went over to the beach with us at 8:30 AM. This is how our day started...

Hallo....

I am not even sure what it is about Maui that made me fall in love with the island...but I would if I could.....own a place there and be there at least three months out of the year....at least...

This was the view that same morning from our room before everyone else was up...awesome sunrise...and view of a construction site LOL...no worries...it was still absolutely beautiful...

Banyon trees are absolutely awesome...and huge...and not found anywhere else to my knowledge...

Everytime we go...we have been there three times in the last three years....and each time...it is getting harder to come back home...and I hear that from every person that travels there...they don't want to come home...some of the people that we have met there....welp...they never did...they just found jobs in the paper and they just never came back to the mainland...it is truly paradise...I would want to travel back and forth regularly just to avoid island fever....but man....what a life...and when I am there...it "feels" like home...and when I do come back...I am just trying to figure out how to get back...

Interviewitas...

So the interview has come and went...

and I am still here...

I started freaking myself out about it for awhile...and then somewhere along the line I remembered...breath....breath dummy....just....breath....the night before...I was full of anxiety...the next morning....when I went to work and taught my class...that was the only peace I got...because I could get my mind off of the situation....and then I finally went....and they made me wait there...I was fifteen minutes early...so they made me wait there....for another ten or fifteen minutes...beyond the fifteen minutes I had arrived there early...so I sit there for close to if not a half hour...devouring a package of Breath Savor mints...and trying to remember everything I know...and then it hit me...well...I'd say about ten minutes into the half hour...hey....I need to just be in this moment...

Not in the moments to come...but in this moment..."mindfulness"....stay in this moment right here....right now....not in the future....not anywhere in the past....but in this moment...and just....breath....

Ya know....it's silly...but this is such a huge lesson...get out of your head...and just be.....be in the moment...because that is really all we have anyway...just right now...so BE present...fully...and things will work themselves out......and they did.

I was nervous until I remembered all this...and then I looked up and out a window...I could just barely see the top of a tree...and I just stayed there...in that place and in that moment....and I breathed....letting the panicky feeling wash over me and out of me...and I said to myself...ya know...self....I am just gonna be....me.....I am just gonna be who I am....and I managed to stay in that place....that frame of mind...until they came out and met me and invited me in to the interview room.

From there I felt in control of myself...I answered their questions....asked my own...listened and paid attention...made them laugh a few times...and walked out of there feeling like I did a good job at representing myself.

We will see how they felt LOLOL...but I felt good...and so...der it be mon....it is wat it is...and I be dah bettah fer it mon...eder way it goes...cuz I did me best...an I feel guuud ah bout it mon....nuff said...

If I am fortunate enough to get it.....one of the 11 positions they are hiring for...it is almost a guarantee that I will get the rest of my hours towards my license pretty quickly...which will be a good thing...a good thing indeed.

Thank you for your support...I do appreciate it! ;)

New Risk...

So...tomorrow...I have a job interview...which could be good if things go well...it is a risk...and it will be an adventure...wish me luck...and say a prayer for me if you are so inclined...I definitely appreciate it.

Thanks...and we will see what happens!

Bang bang...

OK.....so....um...I go to work Tuesday afternoon/night right? Everything is normal and moving along like any other Tuesday night. Questions are asked and answered...role is taken...check ins are done and things are moving along. I run three groups back to back and each are two hours.

We are in the second of the night and in comes a familiar face...I have seen him only once before. He was very somber the first time...acts as if he is not interested and just not really a part of the process. I have seen this before...more than once or twice. Apathy...anger for being there...the you ain't gonna control me attitude...the you're just another one of "them" vibe...but at the end of this second group...this night...after sitting through two thirds of the night as stated above...his face changed. He grinned from ear to ear and his face lit up...he was animated and alive...and quite different. I got a check in he says. He has met a girl.

He carries on about this for some time and I do my usual thing...listen and look for areas he might not be conscious of or thinking about...areas where he might be able to improve on how he is treating this relationship, his partner, and himself...so that I can advise him and teach....so that I can find a way to help....in other words do my job...

I let the class go at the end of the two hours and I have another group coming in...about 7:00 in the evening...and as they are passing each other in the parking lot...this individual heads to his car...the following is told to me from members of both groups...because I remained in the group room.

Apparently...as he approached his car which is parked on the street right next to the parking lot where all the other group members are parked...he approaches his car on the passenger side. No one else is with him or in the car. Suddenly a black truck whips around the nearest corner...drives straight up to his car and opens fire. This is located directly in front of a house which houses young kids...adult teens mostly...who are pregnant or having other life issues and troubles...two of which are standing on the porch of the house as this happens. Of course everyone ducks and runs for cover.

I still do not know at this time what happened to my group member. I went out and inspected the scene about an hour later when my current group was on break. There was a lot of broken glass and shell casings covering the ground right next to the car. The shooters could not have been more than approximately five or six feet from the vehicle when they opened fire. There was no blood and no bodies thank God. Not like the last shooting...the one by my house. My group guy must have gotten away...but of course that is my assumption based on the evidence I viewed at the scene.

There was a line of bullet holes approximately three to four feet wide and maybe eight to ten inches high along the middle of the drivers side door. One bullet hole through the center of the drivers window. Approximately thirteen bullet holes and shots fired in all. I took a flashlight and peered in without touching anything from the passengers side window which was intact. The bullets clearly went all the way through the drivers side door of the vehicle. If anyone had been actually in the car...they would have been killed...no doubt about it in my mind.

This was no warning. They were trying to murder this man.

As I said...on the groups break...I was out there an hour after the shooting for about ten minutes. The police had not yet arrived. There were approximately eight to ten neighbors standing around in the street looking at the car and surrounding scene...two of them...two women were on their cell phones with 911. They reported to the group that they were both being told that the police would not come out until the owner of the vehicle called in. I told my group that we needed to finish and so we went back in and finished our last hour.

As I left for home...one hour later...after inspecting the scene...and two hours after the shooting had happened...I walked out and found one police car parked next to the shot up vehicle. I approached the police car and gave the police officer the information I knew...and he requested...with one exception...I just let him know I wasn't positive about the constraints of confidentiality in regards to the group members which "might" have been witnesses to the crime. I gave him contact information for myself and the agency and he told me that detectives would be in touch. Somewhere in the middle of all that I had called Heather to let her know I would be late coming back from work and that I was OK.

So...anywah...once again...twice within the past three months...I am left with the feeling of being ultimately disrespected and overwhelmed because other people...my suspicion is young males...possibly even young adult males....who do not understand what actual self-respect is...and how to define themselves as men...and instead think....as thugs...that respect and being a man has something to do with violence. We are in a need to call to arms...the lack of real "men" in our society...men who will take care of their business....not by endangering other people and children...but will be there to parent and raise their children...because a "man" can not be a "father" from a jail cell or from a casket.

For those fathers out there...who might be reading this...please...please....be there to raise your children...and do a good job at doing that...because the consequences that we all pay...when your child does something like this violent act...simply because they did not have a "real man" around while growing up...is the worst sin a father can commit...and the heaviest burden a man can carry...knowing that your child is living this kind of life...

Sorry to be so heavy handed...maybe I am really feeling it right now...because it is all so fresh...no maybe about it...I am fairly stressed out by being exposed to two shootings in three months...but I am working through it...I just wish....wish...it would stop...before anyone else gets hurt...or worse...God forbid...

And now for something completely different...

I do love Monty Python...

I just reread my last blog...amazingly indulgent...I must say...but I still feel good about it weeks later...so I think I am on the right path. Yeah G...I want it all too.

You know...sometimes I get lost in my own life...in myself...and that isn't such a good thing...although I do believe it isn't such a bad thing to have happen occasionally...but I for one certainly don't want to live there. I have been going about my life for the last few weeks...I haven't written...blogged...progressed much at all from that last blog...just living...experiencing...trying to move forward...and I feel like I have made a step or two in the right direction...things that I feel good about...but I do still feel the same...in a word...stuck.

I don't mean to sound negative because really...I'm not. But...I'm not really...truely...on a positive front either...I am kinda just stuck in a place...and feeling it. Deeply at this point.

I need to move on professionally from where I am at and I think that has me feeling a great void because I know I am not growing in my current placement. I am troubled by that...but I think I am troubled even more by my reluctance to move on...I am just staying there...why? I think because it is safe and comfortable...I have fallen into a groove and I have learned it...but I am not growing there...and not feeling like those there care about me or my needs...because I am meeting their purpose...even though I am not meeting my own...and that feels terribly stifling and lonely.

The hard part of that is I am in the caring profession so when those employing me don't...well...that is hard to accept...I keep hoping that things are different than they are...but it is just time passing...without the situation changing for me...so...I think I really need to move on...and even writing it is hard for me. Change can be hard...oh but change is sooo good...and I do learn from it and enjoy the new challenges...and I always do my best to make the best of it...I always learn tremendously...so why does it scare me so much? I guess it's because I have to let go of my safety and security...those things I find comfortable...and become uncomfortable for awhile.

But heck...why should I look at that as such a bad thing?...well I guess I don't exactly...just a scary thing...and scary can be bad...so maybe I was right in the first place...but I digress LOL...what's so great about being comfortable? What's so great about being safe and secure? There is a big part of that which I am adverse to in some ways because I like taking risks...I enjoy the edge...so why do I get so locked into this safety security thing...WOW that's weird to me...I feel like I am two different people...one holding on for dear life and the other pushing away from the edge to see what it will bring...I'm not sure how to reconcile these two halves of myself. To get my balance here...I need to have a bit of both I guess...

Balance...ahh balance...Do you ever find yourself asking these same questions? Am I alone here?

I have actually been writing about this for months...quite a bit of my blogs talk about the same things...just different angles...but the same subject...why is it so hard to take that leap of faith?

Change is a constant...something we can actually depend on...safety and security is an illusion...we are sitting atop a spinning rock hurling through space around a huge ball of gas which has ignited and sends us deadly radiation as well as warmth...with a thin layer of gas in our atmosphere that protects us from harm...all the while oblivious because some pop star drank too much the night before she performs at an awards show and the flying nun gets bleeped by another awards show..and finally....finally...OJ might actually go to jail for awhile. ManOman....What am I worried about?!? LOL.

Maybe....just maybe...it is my gut telling me to let it go...do what I need to do to be healthy and to go for it...instead of trying to hold on to my stupid illusion of the idea of being safe and secure. Maybe it is even God telling me in my gut....whispering....let go stupid!....OK....He probably wouldn't say stupid....LOL...but He might think it :)

I think I am being stupid...just get on with it already...get another job...build a business...get on with it and quit complaining...whine whine whine...have a little cheddar with that whine? Good grief....I think it's pretty bad when you make yourself sick LOLOL...

What do I want? I want...

Every once in awhile I feel the need to voice an opinion or shout something out...and this is a healthy thing I think...to do in my life. I am glad to have this blog to share what is happening with me...with the world...even if not many folks ever see it...or even with a flood of people...it doesn't really matter...it is my world and I get to express myself here.

I have been reading a good amount this summer and spring because it is the first time in several years I have not been in school. I have gotten to read all kinds of stuff that I wanted to read...and I have been loving it. I just finished a short book that has been around for awhile...The Alchemist...which was very good and had me thinking...and I just picked up...The Secret...which I have started...and it also has me thinking...some of the things the two books talk about dovetail...which is really nice because it reinforces what I am learning in my life.

I am not sure how I will implement this new information yet...I am still soaking it in...but I know it will change me. I have decided that it will.

My own opinion is that I will find...a path if you will...that will allow me to focus my energy and concentrate my intention...so that I will move in the direction that I choose...but as of yet...that is my biggest obstacle. What is my choice? What do I want?

What...do...I...want?

Hmm...I want a variety of things...and I want certain things more than others...not necessarily in this order...

I want to be healthy. Both in my body and in my mind. In my heart as well as my spirit. I want to live a long time...and have a rich quality of life. But I know that my heart and my spirit will be healthy if I get my mind straight. I want to be a good model and mentor to my children. All my children...all four. I want to be loved...and cared about. I want to be important to someone...I think I am so maybe I already have what I want there...but it is always nice to be appreciated. On that note...I want to be better at appreciating others...to making them feel as if I love them...because this is very important. I also want to become a better communicator.

I...want...time. I want the time I have in this life. I do not want to give away my time...in a wasteful and meaningless manner. I want my time to mean something. I want my effort to mean something. I want my time. I love being able to help other people...and I love being able to teach other people...and I want to continue doing those things...but I want my time.

I want to travel. I absolutely adore the West coast of Maui. I am in love with the place. I want to see more of the world though...go back to Europe...to Spain where I have family and to Rome...and to Paris...I would love to travel for two years...and just soak up the world...I would love to see a few different places in the Middle East and Africa and Asia...to go Down Under...there is soooo much to see and experience...

I want to play and write more music...to record another CD...I have so much still in me to do...I want to become better at drawing portraits...and painting. I want to better my photographic skills and start doing meaningful work with it...something that makes me feel.

I want to learn. I LOVE to learn. I will never know enough. I will search to learn something in this life until I am not in this life any more. That is why I love to read. That is why I love stories so much. I want to learn. I want to learn to better myself. I want to learn how to be a better husband and father. I want to learn how to be a better communicator. I want to learn how to counsel and to teach better than I do now. I want to learn to make more money. I want to learn to spend less money. I want to learn what it feels like to work because I WANT to and not because I HAVE to. I want to learn Spanish. I want to learn two different martial arts. I want to learn how to fly. I want to learn how to play a particular piece of Mozart's music on the piano...although I am not sure what it is called...I just know it when I hear it...it is a more famous piece.

I want to write professionally. I want to be published. I want to be read by other people. I want my opinion to matter to someone other than myself. I want to write different kinds of material as well. Fiction, functional self-help, educational and inspirational work, and maybe even a children's book or two.

I also want a doctorate. I want either a Ph. D. or an Ed. D. or a J. D. I have not yet decided but I am planning on going after at least one of those three.

I want to be a person that has not allowed fear to rule their life...I want to be fearless. I want to be a risk taker. I want to truly live my life and savor it. I want to be...who God intended me to be...and I know in my gut...that is someone who is fearless and without barrier...but also humble and caring...I want to be that person...

I want to watch my wife laugh...out loud. I love to see that. She makes me feel good when she is feeling good. I want to see Sarah Bear grow up and become the most awesome woman I know she will be...just like her big Sissy...Harmony. I want to....someday...not saying any day soon...but someday LOL...be a grandpa...I think I will be really good at it...and I want to see Heather be a grandma....someday LOL...

I want to see all of my children be taken care of and safe...and they are not. Not yet anyway. Health care is a major issue in this country and especially in this state that I love...California. We are in danger and our leaders...both state and federal are dropping the ball on this issue. It is bad enough if a person is healthy and risks having an accident...but if you live with someone who is in chronic pain...or has a chronic illness...well...the health care industry and our political structure are just plain letting us down...I should not have to worry so much about having patients with Cystic Fibrosis having medical coverage and seeing the Dr they choose. I want to be able to provide for my children...even my grown children...because my government refuses.

I want to live by the coast. I want to get out of this valley...my allergies are getting worse and I am positive it is because of what blows through here. I love the ocean.

I want more tattoos. I want a lot more tattoos. I want to cover my back with a sunrise and I want two full sleeves. I want both my legs done from "at least" the knee down to my feet...but probably more...I want the money to get more without hurting my family. I want to get a tattoo for my father. He was a great man and I love him and I miss him. I want to commemorate him on my body. I want to get another piece done with all my children's names in it and I want something that will represent all of my family. I already have eagle feathers that represents my four children. I want more and I do not mind the pain. I don't exactly enjoy it...but it feels like I am earning that artwork that I will wear forever on my body...it becomes a part of me that I take with me where ever I go. I find peace in that. A certain comfort that I understand not everyone understands. But that is OK.

I want to own and run my own businesses. Yeah...that's right...it's plural LOL. It is how I think I can finally provide for my family since my society won't (I only mean health care here...not money). I want to build....something. I want to help people and build and strengthen communities. I want to help feed and educate people. I am not sure what to start with and so I sit here writing about all the things I want...but have nothing to show for it. The only thing I know for sure that I want to own...is real estate...and lots of it. That will in itself be a separate company someday...but I need something that will provide a vehicle...a machine...for cashflow. That is where it will start...and that is what I want to find. I want to find my cash machine. Ultimately...this will provide more than just health care for my family...this...will give me my time...which is to say...my freedom...I want my freedom...I want to be free.

This...believe it or not...is the short list...of what I want in my life. I have loads of stuff to be thankful for...so don't misunderstand...I am a blessed man in many ways and on many levels...and I know this. But....that does not stop me from growing...from reaching for more...becoming more...wanting more...as it should be...so...it is...

Welp...you've read mine...What is it that you want? What do you want?

4 Things...

In answer to G's tag...

4 things you may not know about me:

1. I want to be a writer and would love to be published someday.

2. I want to become involved in Martial Arts.

3. I have always wanted to become an actor in the movies. I think that being an actor doing movies would be an awesome way to make a living and a very creative process. I have actually been in one movie which has aired on TNT several times. It is called Karate Cop and I am briefly in two scenes in the beginning of the movie...don't blink or you'll miss me LOL...but my name is in the credits.

4. I wish there were healthy avenues that men could gather in groups, create close friendships, and grow emotionally without feeling like they are somehow not being true to their own nature…and I include myself in this group.

4 Jobs I have had:

1. Musician (My passion and the heart of my art…I wish I could make a living at performing, writing, and recording)

2. Counselor (This is where I got “Doc” when I was 12…what can I say…I am really good at listening and telling other people what they need to do)

3. Teacher (Couldn't get away from it…I fought it for a long time…runs in the family)

4. Sales (hated parts of it…but I was good at it…glad to have the experience)

4 Movies I could watch over and over:

The Sandlot (This is not my childhood…and yet it is my childhood…all at the same time…it has and reminds me of all the stuff I loved and miss about being a kid)

Sleepless In Seattle/City Slickers (First…I love romantic comedies…and second I love to laugh…but choosing between these two I couldn't do…City Slickers was the first movie I went and saw in a theater alone…just after my first marriage failed…and it hit home for me…and made me laugh)

Shawshank Redemption, (Have to agree with G on this one…excellent movie)

Unforgiven (This is in some ways to me…the ultimate Western…and my favorite)

4 TV Shows I watch:

Miami Ink (Chris Garver just absolutely rocks...the guy is a true artist and I would love to have some work done by him)

L.A. Ink (Kat is an amazing artist and I would love to get inked by her someday)

Heroes (Who doesn't want to have a superhero power?!)

Numbers (I love art mixed with intelligence, logic, rationality, set in a good drama…good work)

4 Hobbies:

Photography (Would love to make more money at it…have to say the same about music as well)

Drawing/painting (It still amazes me that I can start with nothing literally and coax, prod, embellish, and pull something out of clear space with a pencil, pen, piece of charcoal, or paint)

Writing (I would love to be published someday…I absolutely LOVE to read…I love stories)

Traveling (If I could I would spend 6 months a year traveling to different places and visiting different family and friends)

4 Places I have lived:

Stockton, CA (My whole life)

In my mind:
Maui (West coast)
Carmel, CA
Italy…somewhere close to but not IN Rome…


4 Favorite Foods:

Home made tacos (love them so much I lost 75 lbs with them 10 years ago)
Pizza (Many kinds)
BBQ (I love stuff right off the grill…especially meat…beef in particular)
Mexican (I could eat this stuff every day…spicy…with guacamole)

4 Places I would rather be:

On the beach in Maui
On the beach in Carmel/Monterey
On the beach in Cabo
On the beach in San Diego (Seeing a theme here? :)

4 Websites I visit daily:

My 2 Blogs
The Sarah Bear
Yahoo News
Weight Watchers (when I am being good)

The Portal...

I love to read....I love stories. I mean I really love to invest myself in the search and discovery of a story...finding something...somewhere in it....a morsel...a tidbit...a little treasure...something I can learn and grow from...something that I can feel....something that I can attach to...at least for a little while...and loose myself in thought and let my imagination run as free and energetic as the wind with a message attached to it's meaning and meandering in a journey towards an uncertain end.

Reading to me...is a window...a portal...to anothers perspective...anothers world. I can imagine without the boundary of sight and sound... I can see with my mind and capture the words from the page as they grace my vision and gloss the edge of my own perception with just a hint of meaning and understanding. Just when I am not looking and open to whatever will come...the author will throw a curve...an unexpected but completely welcome avenue towards a whole new perspective and as I travel with the author's voice in my mind...sitting at the feet of the great story and imagined path...I find myself living a different life...a different perspective...with different meanings and thoughts that are not totally and wholly my own. In these instances and moments I find myself thoroughly lost and engulfed...overwhelmingly underneath the rim of my reality and succumbed to my creative self...a self that defies my normal and rational logic and manages to actually ask the question.....WHAT IF?!?

What if the world didn't work the way I know it does? What if the future was actually somewhere and something that was not ordinary and unexplained? What if I could be anything I desired and it could come true? What if my hope was meant for a purpose? What if my purpose was bigger than I am? What if the whole and sum of my experience was actually enough to be complete in and of itself? What if I could actually see the cycles and patterns of anything I desired to see and see into the future? What if the sky were orange and the sunset blue? What if gravity was not actually based on the scientific law that physics tells us it is based on? What if I could travel back or forward in time? What if I could make myself invisible...and then visible...at will? What if I had unlimited wealth, fame, and fortunes beyond my imagination? What if I...was not myself but something...or someone else?

I just finished the latest and last Harry Potter book and then right on the heels of that I just finished "The Road" and I am in the middle of about five other different books right now.

It makes me want to write. What if I could write? What if someone actually liked what I wrote...and had to say? What if it was my imagination that took you on a journey...a path into the unknown...to laugh and giggle...to contemplate and to suffer...to see through my minds eye...what could be?

What if?

Interesting thought....

I just wanted to say...

Some days are created just so that we remember that we are NOT the most important person in the world...and that in the best of times we can hope for being treated with some dignity and respect but not in any amount that will go to our heads because it is false. In the times that are not the best we must make due with the simple understanding that we are not always the person that is most important...and it is OK for life to be so sometimes. But either way...remembering the things which are more important to one's growth and forward motion...most often return to the idea that it is people...and relationships in one's life...that are most important.

Today was a good day...and yet there were things in my day that had me in pain...wincing and limping...hoping for some part of balance to visit my furrowed busy mind with a break from the stress and pressure that I put myself under. But all in all...this was a really good day.

I got to go to a movie with my daughter...just her and I...the big daughter....something we do not get or take might be a better way of putting it...the time to do often...and I had a good time...we laughed and talked...shared each others company...and in the end I am glad and even honored for even the possibility to spend that time together alone with her...much needed and not often enough taken...and I will say...thank you Harmony...for being such a great person...and you are fun...and funny...and while I am at it...thank you Heather...for watching short stuff for us so that we could get this chance to enjoy each other's company for an evening. I had a blast! Thank you ;)

Sarah is two!!!

I am continually amazed at the way time invades my sense of security and safety and yet, I am always rewarded by how much the work I have put in previously in my life comes back in ways I haven't even expected...and that is to say there is a legacy and I have at least done some things right.

Sarah turned two yesterday...and all my children were there. I was proud of Sarah...and I was very proud of her brothers and sister...and her two sisters Bree and Alicia. They were all there and celebrated Sarah with their time...their effort...presents...but most of all their love and attention. Seeing them all love her and be so open about their appreciation of her...well...it just made my heart swell.

I can't believe my little girl is two. I am so proud of that little girl...she is awesome!

Sarah...I love you...and Jake...Josh...Harmony...I love you guys all very much...thank you for being who you are...and being so open to share that with Sarah...you guys all do my heart good...I am very proud of you guys.




These are my girls...The Sarah Bear...and her Sissy Harmony above...and her Mommy below.



Heather...our baby girl is getting big...and I am proud not only of her...but of you as well. You are a wonderful mother to her and step-mom to Jake, Josh, and Harmony...and all of their significant others...Bree...Alicia...and Brian...and I want to thank you for who you are with them...you are important to them all and you do a wonderful job of respecting them and loving them and giving them all a great example and I am proud of you for that...thank you...I love you babe.

Ahh Fridays...

Ahh...Friday...the end of the work week...the beginning of the weekend...it even sounds nice doesn't it? Friday...hmm...it just feels like a breath of fresh air....TGIF....the day of division...separating the time of profession and transitioning into the time with the family...to ourselves...fun, sun, sleep, bleep, anything we want in an over the top relaxation or time to get some work done in an area in our lives that we would prefer to work in...gardening...building a deck...cleaning of the weeks worth of living in a home filled with busy lives...cleaning the swimming pool...tree trimming...lawn maintenance...computer work...playing music...taking pictures...drawing/painting pictures...watching movies...listening to music...reading a great book...doing yoga...BBQ's...family time...playing/watching sports...camping...short term travel...day dreaming...and on and on.

Ahh...Friday...the beginning of the freedom that we work so hard to get...the entrance to our lives apart from making money...the gateway to our life...the soft place to land in the week...the date for dates and mate for mates...the feel good, dreamy, take a deep breath day of sunsets and new beginnings. I think it is the day to celebrate because it is the day where work and play are simultaneous...we get to dress down...feel good...get relief from a harried and stress filled week and the time when we can turn our weary eyes from the world's woes to our own lives and finally...gratefully...thankfully...leave all that "stuff" at the doorstep and...breathe!

Back to it...

Ya know the more I do in my life and the older I get...the more I seem to gain more knowledge and feel dumber all at the same time. I have lots of degrees...2 Masters of Arts, 1 Bachelors of Science, 4 Associates of Arts...Certificates in Technical Drafting and Real Estate...lots of education...the only thing I don't have yet...and I say yet because I plan on going forward to earn at least one in my lifetime...is a Doctoral degree...and yet I feel like I am getting further behind...not ahead...

At this point in my life I thought I would be feeling better about where I am in my life...my "lot" in life...and yet I am unsatisfied in so many areas...feeling like I need to hurry up because time is against me...feeling like I know myself so well...and yet I still can't help doing some things that still bother me...and not doing things that I know I need to in order to feel better...to feel good...to feel like I have forward motion...but maybe this is the way in life...some things are great...and some things...not so much...

I have a wonderful family....awesome kids...awesome wife...awesome marriage...I have never been happier in so many ways...and we are all doing better...Heather got out of that situation that she felt so stuck in at work...even though they did wrong her and I am still wondering if it is actionable...Sarah is just so awesome I can't stand it...I really love that little girl...she is so bright...and loving...so cute...and her future is so bright...I am excited for her because I know she will be great...no matter where she goes or what she does...she isn't even two yet...but I can see it in her...she is so awesome...and Sarah's brothers and sister are all doing really well too...I am so blessed as a father...I am such a blessed man...

I have my mind...I have my health for the most part...I have an awesome marriage...I am talented in at least a couple of areas and I am doing pretty good in the things that I do as far as jobs...my clients and my students seem to appreciate me...and the job I do for them...what am I missing?

Maybe...a little of this...

I took these shots a couple of weeks ago...actually the day of the shooting...These guys are attached to kites...and it looked like so much fun...cold....but fun...just North of Santa Cruz...

Maybe what I need is more time in my life...maybe more money so I can have that time....maybe the freedom that comes with it.....or maybe the control...feeling like I am in control of my own life...

Maybe I need to do something else...because I am screaming inside...Let me out! Let me out! I don't want to be a prisoner in my own life...set up by my own hand...How cool would it be to suddenly just break out of an old life and into a new one...oh before you get worried I'm not talking about my marriage or responsibilities as a father and husband...as I already have said...I love that part of my life...but man...we only go around once...and I am supposed to be having more fun...being more authentic...being more...welp...ME!

So...hmm...how do I do that?

Maybe....

I need to get back to it...OK...so I have been out of a band for a year now...maybe it is time...anybody out there looking for a guitarist?

Update ~ 911

OK so...this week while running my groups I talked about what happened last weekend with my guys in a few of the groups and I did this for a couple of reasons...one being therapeutic and one being a bit curious...even a bit selfish...

Therapeutically I used the events of last weekend to talk about violence in general and in the decisions that we as individuals make in specific and how they affect us, our children, our relationships, our families, our communities, and ultimately our society. The fact that each and every decision that one makes affects many others lives...and we have a choice as to what kind of force we will be in the world...someone known for and respected as a positive force and influence...or one known for and feared as a negative force and influence. We also talked about what those affects can be and the level of or lack of respect and self-respect that are connected with those affects. In other words...how one affects other people around one and how that reflects back on to the individual.

The curious...and a bit selfish reason was...I was curious and interested if any of my guys might have heard anything about the incident. Now I will say I never asked....I never directly asked anyone or any group...if they knew anything...I simply told my story and was trying to use it to illustrate a point...but three different times...in three different groups...individuals spoke up without being questioned...as to not only hearing about the incident....but knowing the young man that was shot...and all three gave me a report as to who he was (no names thank God) and what they had heard...about his condition. All three men were in different groups and so each told me what they told me independently and freely...but all three told me the same exact thing.

The young man shot on our street last week did in fact NOT die...thank God and praise the Lord for him and his family...however...he was paralyzed from the waist down. Also two of the individuals reported to me that this young Hispanic man is a gang-banger who has been shot before. They last time he was shot was apparently some time within the last year to two years and he was actually shot in the head...from the back...and had lost an eye...apparently where the bullet had exited. Left eye I believe...and all three individuals tell me that the young man is, "kinda crazy" in his behavior.

What a waste. What an absolute waste of life. A waste of time, effort, and energy. An absolute reason to change. What a story. What disrespect. What a waste.

I'm still too angry to look at what I might be able to take from this with a disconnected objective view. I am still too shattered in my view of my safe and secure world...my safe and secure home...to be separated from all the emotions that came with this...and I feel OK with that. I think I am right where I should be considering the gravity of the events. I liked my wife's recent blog...it is very close to home for me because she and I feel approximately the same way...definitely in the same ballpark.

I have to say that this whole event has changed me...as it should. But...I will not loose my positive energy in the world...I will not succumb to fear and the folly of racing imagination...looking over my shoulder to see when it might happen again. I have always been cautious...and I will remain how I have always been...but I will not give in to the risk of constant fear. We live in a dangerous world and in a dangerous time...and yet as true as that is...I live a life of peace...in the search for serenity...and balance...and no one...will push me off my path because of their selfish and self-serving ways. I will rebuild my world but I am determined that it will be better...somehow...someway...I will find the way to make things better...I mean really...what choice have I got? I have to make things better...at least to try to...that is the right thing to do...and that is who I am...and who I choose to be...in the world...and in me.

911...what is your emergency?

OK...so...last night...we ended up with a brand spankin new bullet hole in our car...and blood on our street from a shooting.

Heather, Sarah, & I went for a long drive and had a great time...went to the beach and drove along the coast...took a few pictures and a little bit of video of Sarah on the beach freezing...watched wind surfers and people surfing with these really cool kites strapped to their bodies...it was fun...and we all had a great time and a great day.

We pull up into town at 1:00 AM (later than we would have wanted but still having a good time w/Sarah asleep) having traveled from Santa Cruz to Santa Rosa...and as we pulled up to our street we noticed a large party going on at a corner house close to our own. There were spinning colored lights and tons of people (at LEAST 50) inside and outside with cars going half way down the block...but I didn't hear any real noise so we went home gathered the Sarah Bear and our things from the car and went on inside.

Being very tired we all went straight to bed. About 2:30AM we awoke to the sound of rapid fire gunshots going on very (read...way too...maybe 50 feet) close to our house. Yelling, chaos, car lights shining, and the gunfire woke all of us up including the baby. I recognized it as gunfire right away...about 15 shots in rapid fire succession and then people shouting. I ran out of bed for the phone and immediately called 911 to report as Heather scooped up the baby and headed for Harmony's room towards the back of our house. As I wrapped up the call I told Heather and the girls to get on the floor and the gunfire started all over again...this time approximately 10 - 12 shots and more yelling, chaos, and people running. I watched people dashing into backyards and trying to get away. I heard a woman screaming. I saw at least two people limping trying to get away. I called 911 again. I reported...they took the info...and then they put me on hold...waiting...waiting...I watched through the window as one car drove away...and another drove up...pulled into a driveway directly from my house and dropped neighbors off across the street...they ran huddling into their doorway...trying to get into the house as quick as possible. Whomever dropped them off left as quickly as they could. Maybe three minutes after I heard a siren. The law enforcement folks caused more people to try to scatter and I watched someone run up the driveway of my next door neighbors and Heather heard him climbing fences. We found a chair out of place in our back yard the next day (out by our back fence)...obviously the persons route through our yard and into someone elses.

Then another cop shows...and a third...then an ambulance and a fire truck...the chaos has changed into chaos with officials in charge now...I put a shirt and shoes on...turned on a light in my house and my porch light...and grab my keys and wallet and head out to talk to the cops...since I called them. I gave information to one and watched paramedics working on someone laying in the middle of the street...right across the street from my next door neighbors house. Glass covering the ground next to him beneath the car whose window had been shot out, blue and red lights dancing off of glass and metal, men working furiously to prepare the victim for the ride to the hospital. Surreal. Disturbing. What a waste. What the hell?!? I asked the cop if he would live and he said, "oh he'll be alright...don't worry about it"...and I knew...it was his way of saying...nothing to see here...on your way now as he walked away from me...

I heard from a neighbor the next morning the man didn't live...although I have no idea how accurate that information is...no news in the paper yet...


We live in a middle class neighborhood...usually quiet...neighbors are polite and friendly...average by all standards...older homes...decent value to the neighborhood...we do not live in "the hood"...I've spent a fair amount of time in "the hood" when I was a teenager...and this...is not "the hood"...but last night...and bullet holes in my car and my next door neighbors car this morning....the hood came to my block...

I grew up two doors down from where I currently live...my mom and brother still reside in that home...we bought two doors away...and in all my years in this area apart from the 7 years I lived elsewhere...this is the only time I have ever seen this kind of violence on my street...at my home...with my children asleep in my home. My brother called from two doors away when it all went down and said that he had called the cops around 12:30AM because there were 30 - 40 people gathered in front of his house...half a block away from the party...yelling and making noise...drinking...being...well...what people are when they are partying...and young...in the middle of a wild Saturday night...

I am pissed off...because of the carelessness of it...because of the disregard for others...and the babies here...ours is not the only child within a two to three house area here...because of the disrespect...the absolute unequivocal disrespect...and lack of self-respect of the people involved...but mostly...at this point...I am most pissed off about the absolute feeling of helplessness. I am not helpless...far from it....but when someone gets shot...almost right in front of my own house...in the middle of the night...I feel helpless. Especially when the police were called 2 hours before the shooting...and told of the behaviors and crowd gathered...at that time of night...and the cops never came to see...never showed up...had they shown up...that young man might not have gotten shot...might still be alive.

Helpless...sick...disrespected...that's how I feel...

I know it happens every day...as a therapist/counselor I run 8 court ordered domestic violence groups per week at a local agency here in this town. I deal with my guys coming to group having this type of thing happen in their lives all the time because many of them do live in "the hood". I am fully aware of the pain and burden that those folks are living with...and I am sick about it when they come in talking about the funerals, shootings, wakes, drive-bys, parties, and senseless violence that they endure every day.

But it really doesn't matter where one lives does it? The level of disrespect in this country is amazing to me...it is as high up as the White House and as low down as the streets and I am consistently amazed at the lack of integrity and self-respect of the people in our "advanced" society.

The truth is...that we are OK with it...not all of us are...because some of us are trying to "DO" something about it...I know I am...but many of us are complacent...and because of NIMBY (not in my back yard) we accept that the disrespect shown to people is acceptable because it isn't affecting us.

It is time...it is time to take a stand and have personal integrity...self-respect...and deal with these problems at the level that they exist...in our homes. As parents...and as neighbors...let these young people know...it ain't gonna happen on my watch...not on my watch...

Because somewhere...somehow...someday...we are all accountable...both for the things we have done...and for the things we have not done...

So I say...not on my watch...it ain't gonna go down like that on my watch...not if there is anything I CAN DO about it...not on my watch.

Somehow...someway...someday...

Have you ever had just "one of those experiences" where your life is passing by and you are in it but you are seeing it pass by as if you are watching someone else's life go by? Almost as if it were a movie you are just observing and that you are somehow separated and distanced in the experience. A separation that although an illusion...feels in the moment as if it is surreal. Some sort of a deja vu... a dream like state that is almost as if you have experienced it before...but you know this is the moment that you are in...and not another.

Sometimes...I feel as if my life has been lived before...as if I am not original in my being...that somehow...my soul is old...and that the energy that is me...the image that I possess to the outside world...is actually a review...or a recreation...of something that was once bold and new...fresh as the morning springtime dew on the light filled mint green leaf of an apple tree not positioned in an orchard but next to a small quiet stream running gently towards a bend in a sun drenched ravine with billowy cotton balls stuffed into a floating corner of an aqua sky...

Maybe I am a new soul...with new energy and I am a new creation...or....maybe I am an old soul.....rekindled and reborn...because I am not sure if it is real or imagined...if I am somehow someway so creative that I can conjure up knowledge, emotions, and wisdom that is beyond what I was sure of myself being capable of...because in some vague way I have the ability to see things as they are...and pull that knowledge at will...not all the time of course...but this happens to me in my life...I just see what is going on...the path...and I do not have access to the mechanism that creates this wellspring...there seems to be this faucet I am somehow someway always in fear of being suddenly turned off...and I am denied access to what I have always known as me...or my ability...which is a large part of who I am...and it...just.......goes........away....

Maybe I am an old soul...some...how....some...way...some...thing...inside of me...sees...there is a sense...of the prior...and therefore shines a light on the path...shows me what is going on...shows me where things are headed...and yet...I don't really know...am I illuminating a path...or just my own ego...hmm maybe somehow....someway...someday...I'll learn or know...

As time goes by...

One thing I am feeling today is honored. I had someone talk about a recent change in their life and told me that it was through information that came from me that this change took shape...which was very gratifying. I was not a party to it...but my comments were. That was nice.

I sat through an interview today and it was kind of an amazing experience because it was in front of a panel of 9 people and I was nervous however I was mindful throughout the experience and felt as if I actually did my best in that moment. Maybe I could have done better in another moment however I think I did well and that made me feel positive.

I keep thinking that I will find a way to move forward to the place I wish for or want to be...and then wondering if that place actually exists at all. I keep thinking it does...and then I keep questioning myself...

I thank God for the time I have had in this life...because in many ways I am continually surprised by how much I don't know and how much I don't understand. I am always learning...and always growing...even in bad times...especially in bad times would be more appropriate...since we learn our greatest lessons from our pain. Ahh but how many times I have wished for such knowledge and wisdom without the struggle...and I always come back to the same answer...full circle...it is because of the struggle that my life stays interesting...the challenge...is the journey.

It reminds me of watching a clock...how the hands go around and around...in a circle...covering the same ground...again and again...only to repeat the same chime...the same song...the same lesson...and yet...it is always new...as time goes by...

But seriously folks....

One thing after another....one foot in front of the other....living in a virtual treadmill...stress is as stress does...looking forward without looking back...just to keep myself on track...just like it aught to be...a blend of substance and insanity....

When did it happen that I brought myself to a place where the simple mention of...or a statement about...oh....just fill in the blank here....was enough to raise my blood pressure...send a signal to my brain that I should jump to an emotional response which is wholly inappropriate for the moment or situation...we call it "emotional reactivity" in the profession...and indulge and allow myself to reduce my behavior to....well....I guess one could say...being human....humph....

I really try to live my life and treat others in such a way that I can respect and feel good about...and I constantly find myself doing things that I didn't mean to go the way that they eventually end up...and I find myself repetitively having to diplomatically fix messes I have made...not major stuff usually...although we all have our moments...it is really annoying...and seriously consistent...which begs the question of me...will I ever get this stuff right?

OK...it is Oh-ficial!....I am a human being after all...in all my consistently honest fumbling bumbling and mind-numbingly self-admitted dim-witted well meaning slip ups...I still try to make things better...and sometimes I actually accomplish it...but through it all...I am who I am...consistantly...I am OK with it all...I work on bettering those things I can...and drive myself crazy occasionally...only to come back in balance...and find that even though I sometimes tank myself...I am valuable...I am worth something...I am lovable...I am likable...and I am loved.

And so it is...and so it goes...

Blahg, blahg, blahg...

Sometimes I think that the things I am discovering about myself aren't really new but somehow recycled ideas and views from earlier in my life and somehow regenerated into something I think is new...but really isn't. I think I am looking for something...searching for an idea or plan that will be a vehicle to get me where I "want to go"...yet...the idea of where that is....keeps changing...rearranging...evolving...expanding...and sometimes I feel like it is hard to keep up with myself.

Sometimes...I feel like I am chasing my own tail...and sometimes...I feel focused and in control...funny thing is...it is all an illusion...and none of it is really true except for in a moment...which is relieving...and frustrating LOL...all at the same time...

I guess I need to get back to my guitar...where things make sense...and I am connected to the greater universe...a place where my voice can be heard...even when there is no one around...and I can channel whatever creative energy is floating in my general vicinity at the moment...and play...as the wise Frank Zappa once said...."shut up and play yer guitar"! :)

I think I will...

Hindsight...

Last week I had a day of counseling that was great...and hard...but in the end...made me feel as if I made some kind of a difference in at least a couple of lives. I watched a person cry...and watched them literally feel the pain that they are in deep in their bones...over the apparent end of a marriage...this is someone who would traditionally never be one to express their emotions in this manner...and yet...here they were feeling...openly and deeply...

The thing about someone being able to express themselves in this manner...is that they release things...physically and emotionally...that can allow them to reach a point where forward motion is possible. It is through the pain that we are in that we find and learn our greatest lessons...and in doing so teach each other and remind ourselves of what we are really trying to do in this life.

I walked away from the experience feeling...first of all...which is a good thing...and secondly feeling hopeful that with some encouragement and some small guidance there will be...hopefully...some future forward motion for others because of my being there and hopefully...maybe...my words. I will not and can not take credit for their motion...but I will take credit for my being there and sharing the experience with them...and sharing some tools and guidance with them. But the progress they make is theirs and theirs alone to take credit for...and I like that...because they can own it...and it is right that they do...and it is right for me to celebrate their achievement with them.

Teacher learns twice...

Today I got to honor someone for doing the right thing in a moment where they did not feel like doing the right thing...because they were emotionally hurting...and someone else had said something that triggered them....but they got up and did what they knew was right. They showed someone respect even when they themself felt disrespected. So...I honored this person publicly for it. Afterwards...I honored them again...privately for it...so that I could make sure they had gotten the message...and it did them good...I could see it in their eyes and hear it in their voice.

It made me think about what I do...and the way that I do it. I travel down my path often thinking that what I do...the way that I do it...is not really that consequential...that although I do matter in the big picture...I sometimes am not making the impact I wish I could. Then I come upon a moment where I do something instinctively...because I feel I should in a moment...and then I step back and see the impact on someone else.

Maybe the impact will be lasting...maybe it is fleeting...I don't know...I may never know...but I know I made a difference in someones life tonight...and maybe several someones...and from that...I take away an impact with me...on me....it has impacted me and in my life. The impact that helping others has on me is something that I can not measure. I have tried to find a way to measure it...but have not found it yet. I just know...that when I tell someone else a truth...it comes back to me...teacher learns twice...and thank God for it...because I have sooo much to learn...there is soo much I don't know...we are all teachers...we are all counselors...we are all healers...we are all students...and I find myself hungry to learn...and be....more...

What it is...

I have this blog as a way to move through self discovery and personal growth...a way of seeking to know me in a deeper way...with a possibility of finding a thing or two out about the journey. I am wondering about moving through a couple of major changes in my life and I think this is a good way to track and work out how the process will go.

Everything has a process and this blog is a record and relation to the process that is me. I guess it is a way for me to figure out and search myself in an honest but also public way so that I can keep myself accountable.

I can't say that the honesty will be brutal or that I will disclose every thought or feeling...I would not be respecting my self or family if I was that brutal or open...I have seen what happens to those that do not respect themselves in this way and I will at all times try to keep my self respect intact. However I will be as honest as I can allow myself to be and I will be who I actually am...throughout. Hopefully in this commitment I will find a way to my deeper self through self disclosure. This is the hope...this is the process...this is the experiment....this is me.